Last evening I was with someone who is just beginning a journey of learning to let go of the need to fix and rescue people. This person asked me, "How can you tell the difference between generosity and unhealthy caretaking?"
Good question.
I think the difference is in where the 'generosity' comes from. If it is done to make me feel better, or to fix something in someone else so that my life will be easier - then it might not be as generous as I think. Instead, it might be downright selfish. Or it might come from a place where I feel that I have to do something for someone else in order to be accepted, approved of, and/or liked by that person. If it - instead - comes from a place of fulness, of health, of wholeness ... then it is true generosity because it is directed wholly toward the other person and comes from love and compassion. It got me to thinking about the parable of the Starfish, which you can find at this link: http://www.twilight-storm.com/musings/starfish.html
I've used this parable in several contexts (including that of my job). And with respect to my family, I can imagine myself - as little as 3 years ago - being totally frustrated and discouraged by a beach full of these things and the knowledge that it is impossible to save them all. This was because my focus was me - and not in a good way. I felt like I should be able to do the daunting task ahead of me (whether saving starfish or rescuing my kids or my husband or my friends from the evils of [fill in the blank]) just because I could see the danger and knew enough to warn them.
But after going through a healing process on the inside - which, by the way, was very slow, very hard and very draining, but worth it - I'm finding that I realize that I can't protect my loved ones from all the ills in life - that this is not my job and belongs on broader shoulders than mine .... God's. But I can go down to the beach in conversation with God, in gratitude, and trust that whichever starfish/person He leads me to, that's the one I am to crouch down beside. And that when I approach this individual (or he/she approaches me) I can trust that God is in charge of the encounter, He's the one who is working, and I can relax and enjoy the process of being part of what He has in store for that person.
Good question.
I think the difference is in where the 'generosity' comes from. If it is done to make me feel better, or to fix something in someone else so that my life will be easier - then it might not be as generous as I think. Instead, it might be downright selfish. Or it might come from a place where I feel that I have to do something for someone else in order to be accepted, approved of, and/or liked by that person. If it - instead - comes from a place of fulness, of health, of wholeness ... then it is true generosity because it is directed wholly toward the other person and comes from love and compassion. It got me to thinking about the parable of the Starfish, which you can find at this link: http://www.twilight-storm.com/musings/starfish.html I've used this parable in several contexts (including that of my job). And with respect to my family, I can imagine myself - as little as 3 years ago - being totally frustrated and discouraged by a beach full of these things and the knowledge that it is impossible to save them all. This was because my focus was me - and not in a good way. I felt like I should be able to do the daunting task ahead of me (whether saving starfish or rescuing my kids or my husband or my friends from the evils of [fill in the blank]) just because I could see the danger and knew enough to warn them.
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