Hi, I'm Judy and I am a codependent.
To tell you the truth, I really don't much like to use the word codependent. It's not because I don't think it's a good word. It's because when I hear it from people who don't believe themselves to be codependent, it sounds dirty and dismissive when they say it.
The problem with that is, it never works. A codependent person, by acting in this way, becomes not only a part of the problem he or she is trying to fix, but can actually CAUSE the very behaviors from which he or she is trying to rescue the sick person, whether that sickness takes the form of addiction, or mental illness, or just plain meanness (i.e., abuse).
So I thought that here I would show you a checklist for people who think they might be codependent.Here goes:
Patterns of Codependence
Denial Patterns:
• I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
• I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
• I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
• I have difficulty making decisions.
• I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
• I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
• I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
• I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviour over my own.
• I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
• I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
• I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
• I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
• I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
• I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
• I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
• I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
• I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
• I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
• I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
• I lavish gifts and favours on those I care about.
• I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
• I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Recovery from codependency is possible. I am living proof. I want to qualify this to say that recovery for me does not mean that I am "cured." To quote the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, "... what we have is a daily reprieve, contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." For codependency, I believe, is the root of all addiction.
This is the program of recovery I followed, with the help of someone who had followed it before me:
The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous
1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
As I have come along in my journey of recovery, more and more of the following promises have become a reality in my life. None of them were true in my life while I was still an active codependent. But, God is amazing - and I can now read these promises with confidence.
The Twelve Promises of Codependents Anonymous
I can expect a miraculous change in my life by working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. As I make an honest effort to work the Twelve Steps and follow the Twelve Traditions...
1. I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.
2. I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity.
3. I know a new freedom.
4. I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.
5. I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely lovable, loving and loved.
6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.
7. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.
8. I learn that it is possible to mend - to become more loving, intimate and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them.
9. I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.
10. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.
11. I trust the guidance I receive from my higher power and come to believe in my own capabilities.
12. I gradually experience serenity, strength, and spiritual growth in my daily life.
On my home page I invite you to walk with me a while as I journey on this road of recovery. Perhaps along the way, I can say something that MIGHT make a difference, that MIGHT give you some hope.
That's why I am here.
