Of course I've been doing some major thinking about the real me lately, since an impostor posing as me sent friend requests to my friends on Facebook and then started trying to scam them in my name. I've had a couple of my friends come up to me and ask me if I'm the real me.
I laugh.
But really, as little as three years ago, I wouldn't have been able to tell you - at least not honestly - who the real me was.
Oh, I would have said what I was to the significant people in my life: Christian, wife, mother, singer, musician, church member. But I had no CLUE who I really was, what I really liked, because my entire life was about making someone else (anyone else) happy and not being mad at me. The truth was, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror and smile just to see my reflection (it had to be to check my teeth, if at all). Most times I just looked away. Sometimes - to be rigorously honest - I still do.
But not as often. In early 2009 I started a journey of self-discovery, of healing if you like. At first it was so very painful - I was used to living life a certain way (based on rules and on fear) and it was hard to start to live life from the inside out in everyday life. And through the process I did lose things - relationships that were unhealthy for me, that constant sense of dread that I would do something wrong and someone would think less of me. Or be angry with me. Or not like me. Those things slowly just dropped off me. I can't explain how it happened, I only know that on my own strength, I had been unable to change - and now it was happening automatically as I turned over my will and my life to God's care and let Him work through some very tough memories with me.
And I gained some very important things. Freedom, peace, compassion, and something that had eluded me most of my life - happiness. My relationships slowly evolved and I found myself (instead of being looked down on or looked up to) being surrounded by people who considered me an equal, and I considered them equals, which - strangely - is no longer a bad thing.
Today, I describe myself as loving, giving, intelligent, talented, grateful, and passionate. I know my weaknesses but don't focus on those except with God as we work through more and more areas in my life. I know who I am, and have discovered that I like the real me.
I laugh.
But really, as little as three years ago, I wouldn't have been able to tell you - at least not honestly - who the real me was.
Oh, I would have said what I was to the significant people in my life: Christian, wife, mother, singer, musician, church member. But I had no CLUE who I really was, what I really liked, because my entire life was about making someone else (anyone else) happy and not being mad at me. The truth was, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror and smile just to see my reflection (it had to be to check my teeth, if at all). Most times I just looked away. Sometimes - to be rigorously honest - I still do.
And I gained some very important things. Freedom, peace, compassion, and something that had eluded me most of my life - happiness. My relationships slowly evolved and I found myself (instead of being looked down on or looked up to) being surrounded by people who considered me an equal, and I considered them equals, which - strangely - is no longer a bad thing.
Today, I describe myself as loving, giving, intelligent, talented, grateful, and passionate. I know my weaknesses but don't focus on those except with God as we work through more and more areas in my life. I know who I am, and have discovered that I like the real me.
What brought your change if you don't mind me asking?
ReplyDeleteLong story - but the short answer is God. I've been a Christian since I was about 12 years old. Yet in the church, I was never taught how to live, should I say HOW to live. I was only told what the end result was supposed to be and judged when I failed to achieve it.
ReplyDeleteBut God brought about an incredible set of circumstances so that I would be pretty much forced to seek counselling. (And I'm sure He hand-picked my counsellor.) This person gave me a chapter of a book to read (during which I was saying stuff like "Get out of my head, woman!" ;p) and it was then that I realized that I had a problem just as serious, if not moreso, than my alcoholic husband. The book was "A Codependent's Guide to the Twelve Steps" by Melody Beattie. Over the course of about a year, my counsellor mentored me through the book, only giving me the next chapter when I had fully explored the one I was on. (also a God-thing cuz I tend to skip to the end and not do the work...)
I was about 9 or 10 months into recovery when I noticed that my world had changed significantly... and if I hadn't journalled through it, I would not have known how I had gotten this far. All I knew for sure was that God empowered me to take those simple but difficult steps to freedom. I love my life now.
And bonus - about 1 month into my own recovery, my hubby got (and stayed) sober through those same 12 steps... (which are a blueprint to a relationship with God) and the loving acceptance of those who had walked that same road.
I am so very grateful!