I. D. Ten T. Errors

I think I read this somewhere.  When a person who doesn't know much about computers makes a simple (beginner's) mistake on a computer, the computer-literate call it an "I. D. Ten T." Error.  When written in alphanumeric language, that is an ID10T Error.  

Perhaps ID10T errors could be identified in the real (non-computer, relational) world:
- telling someone else's secret after promising to maintain confidentiality
- laughing at or diminishing someone else's pain to make them look bad or stupid
- climbing over someone else's back (or front) on the way up the corporate ladder
- using sarcasm and/or ridicule as a motivational tool
- micromanaging / being obsessed with controlling every last little thing
- blaming everyone else for one's mistakes and not taking responsibility for one's actions
- defending the rights of one minority group only to turn around and support the majority against a different minority  (example from the schoolyard: defending the kid with Down Syndrome only to turn around and ostracize the shy kid)
- overreacting / judging out of previous bad experiences rather than listening to another's perspective
- being too eager to "help" someone with their "problem" thus creating either resentment or dependence in them...


... and the list goes on.


I've made some of these mistakes, quite probably all of them at some point or other in my life.  Everyone's probably made at least some of them. The question is, what to do about them? or can anything be done about them which won't make matters worse?


All I can do is be aware that they happen and just let go of my need to take things too personally.  To let myself off the hook when I screw up. To let others off the hook when they screw up without realizing it.  And all the while, to not apologize for having feelings, living my life, having needs, or taking up space in the world.  These are core values that have been overdue in their development.

And maybe I'll be more careful to catch myself and others NOT making ID10T errors - and be consciously grateful.

Honouring Weakness

I've been doing a fair bit of thinking about our culture's tendency to pander to the needs of the minority while making the majority bend to the minority's will.

Even that choice of words is inflammatory, isn't it?

Those who complain about the minority groups having the right to do this or that - what if YOU were the minority?  What if suddenly Christianity was considered deviant? wouldn't you want those same rights extended to you? it's a 2-way street, folks; we have to live in THIS world.


Okay, here's a concrete example of what I mean.

Several years ago, we used to decorate our church with evergreen wreaths at Christmas and with Easter lilies at Easter.  It's traditional, right?  Well, there was a lady who came to our church who became very ill - needing to go to bed for days at a time - whenever she was in a room which had these items in it.  She dearly wanted to come to church but felt that she had to stay away during the most special times of the year if she wanted to stay healthy.

When it became known that this was the case, the church leadership graciously opted to purchase large ARTIFICIAL wreaths; we got the greenery and she was able to come in at Christmas time and enjoy the services.  And instead of lilies at Easter, the leadership decorated the church with other types of flowers and green things to which she was not sensitive.

Was this pandering to a minority?  Technically - yes.  Did anyone in the church feel resentful because there were no lilies or evergreens?  Of course not!

Did anyone judge her for her weakness?  Again - no - because we were more concerned about the health of our sister than whether things were the way they always had been. We were glad to see her, enjoyed her company, wanted her to be happy.   

This idea of caring for people who have a difficulty has been around since the early church (more about that later.) A perfect modern example is fragrance.  Most people have no problem with modern fragrances - those which, since the early 1980s, have been made with petrochemicals and aldehydes rather than from flowers or animal musk.  Some people, on the other hand, have developed a sensitivity to these chemicals.  Like me.  Their bodies have finally said, "Enough!"

The fragrances do smell nice.  The petroleum-based chemicals can dissolve grease, lift stains and soften clothes.  They can cover over unpleasant odors in the home and on the body.  However, when someone is made ill when these chemicals are around, is it really fair to that person to have it hanging in the air?  Those who wear fragrance could get along without it, and those who can't go near it without becoming very sick are prevented from enjoying a normal life when there is fragrance present.  It's not like there aren't fragrance-free alternatives. (Google the Nova Scotia Environmental Health Clinic and look for a list of fragrance-free products sold right here in Canada.)

People can be kind if they choose to be.  Many don't.  

I've heard people say that if there's fragrance around, people who are sensitive shouldn't go near where it is.  It sounds valid - that the person who is bothered by something owns the problem.  It would make sense as long as the fragrance and the person wearing it stayed in one spot!! Then a sensitive person could avoid that spot or that person.  But people tend to be mobile - and if they're wearing fragrance (whether in the form of perfume, hair or skin care products, or in their clothes from laundry products) they leave a cloud of it behind wherever they go, and the chemicals that are harmful to sensitive people are designed to linger long after the person has passed by. 

I've tried medications.  Antihistamines don't work for me.  My symptoms are neurological: headaches, disorientation, "brain fog" among others. These can last minutes or hours.  I've stayed away from more functions: social gatherings, church, other meetings, just because I knew that I would not be able to handle the fragrances that no doubt would be present. I've left meetings in progress - at work and other places - as a result of not being able to breathe the air thick with fragrance.  As a result, I am isolated most of the time.  I get the reputation of being "anti-social."  Or "stuck-up."  Am I?  Uh, NO.

If the chemicals were suddenly to be made visible and people could see how pervasive the problem is, the notion of the sufferer "just staying out of harm's way" would be exposed as rather ludicrous.  

I'm not saying that we have the right to be obnoxious about our illness; I must admit that in the past, I have been quite aggressive with people regarding this issue.  I've learned the hard way that there are gracious ways to ask for what one needs.  And in some cases, yes, it's best to avoid certain areas and people.  Sometimes, though, that's just not feasible.  People have to work together, worship together, shop together.  In the building where I work, the inside air is circulated all day long.  If there's someone laying tar outside the doors and those fumes get in the building, most everyone suffers.  Folks who have chemical sensitivities suffer in that way - some for hours or days at a time - when someone across the room walks by after having used scented mousse or hairspray even several hours previous.  The effects are cumulative too - so small exposures over a long period of time make the sensitivities more ... well, sensitive.  

In our culture, there is much talk about "rights" ... the rights of the majority, mostly.  That's not what the Bible teaches. The Bible teaches that along with rights go responsibilities.  It teaches us to honour those who have difficulties.

The apostle Paul dealt with some folks in the Roman church who were judging each other and being offended by things others were doing in the church.  I think that his words to the majority could apply to any situation where a larger group of people are in a position where a smaller group finds something offensive.  Even if there's nothing wrong with it.

Paul said, "It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything else if it might cause another believer to stumble.  You may believe there’s nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keep it between yourself and God. " (Rom 14:21) 

To the Corinthians he wrote (regarding the same contentious issue of his day), "So if what I eat causes another believer to sin, I will never eat meat again as long as I live—for I don’t want to cause another believer to stumble." (1 Cor 8:13) 

In another spot (1 Corinthians 12:22-26) he said, referring to the members of the church as parts of a body, "In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary.  And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity.  This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other.  If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad." 

In other words, Paul advocated honouring (rather than having contempt for) the weaker members of the group, and using their weakness (or "infirmity" as the King James puts it) as an opportunity to show love.  What a concept!!

I'm not naïve enough to expect everyone in the world to bend over backward to suit me or to accommodate my sensitivities in every situation.  I'm also smart enough to know that I will not knowingly expose myself to the things which will hurt me.  All I'm saying is that my world is a lot smaller than that of many other people ... and it doesn't need to be. 

Making Adjustments

For the past few weeks I've been going to see my chiropractor.  I went to him for the first time about 10 years ago after I did something at work and could hardly move my neck without pain.  He took X-rays and discovered degenerative disc disease in my neck and lower back.  He started making adjustments.

Within 2 weeks or so of treatment the pain was gone and I was able to function.  Every so often (once every 6 months to 3 years) I need to go back.

Over the years, there are some things I've learned about pain, the nature and purpose of pain, and the elimination of it.  I think that they could be applied to any kind of pain, including the emotional kind.

I have said this before, but pain is a gift, even though it doesn't feel like it!!  It is a signal that something is wrong and needs to be fixed.  The body will continue to complain about whatever is wrong until the source of the problem is addressed.

My chiropractor tells me that over half of the pain of a misalignment of the spine comes from the muscles around it overcompensating to hold the back in place and maintain some level of functioning.  The thing is, they are holding it in an unnatural position and that hurts! So the first thing is to convince the muscles in the back to relax and let go of their grip.  

After that starts to happen, the chiropractor makes an adjustment: it can't be too large or sudden, or the body just wouldn't be able to stand the pain.  So it happens by degrees.  That gives the back time to get used to the "new reality."  And after every adjustment, because the muscles have to figure out a new way to hold things in place, the affected area may seem to be worse for a while.  But if I trust the process, this worsening is temporary and the muscles adjust.  Eventually the back settles down to a lower level of pain than before the adjustment.  Usually the pain goes away completely.  In time.

The course of treatment takes the form of a series of adjustments to the muscles and eventually of the spine itself.  Every time I have a treatment, I go into the treatment room where that glorious "bed" is - and I "assume the position" - trusting that the doctor will not harm me but help me - even if it hurts more for a while. After all, he's focusing on the source of the pain ... a misalignment at the core of my body.  

It works the same way with my spiritual or emotional pain.  Adjustments in my attitudes and beliefs, in my relationships with people and especially with myself, are slow to make and they are painful.  There usually is a sense of relief once well into the process, but at the beginning it can feel like things are getting worse, not better. It's easy to get discouraged, except that the pain is a constant reminder that things are not yet as they will be.

There comes a point in every course of treatment that signals the beginning of the end of the pain.  For me it can take as much as 2 and a half weeks.  Once it happens, though, the difference from one treatment to the next is noticeable.  It takes a great deal of commitment to set aside time to look after myself, to spend time doing nothing but relaxing in the doctor's presence.  The pain and / or discomfort keeps me focused on why I am there, and I have learned that investing that time will allow me to function better and be able to help others - my family, friends, and co-workers.  

And spiritual and/or emotional pain is like that too.  It helps me concentrate better on the goal : improvement, getting better.  When I invest the time to spend with the Great Physician, relaxing in His presence, letting Him work on me at the core level, it does get better - so that I'm better able to live my life unencumbered by the nagging pain of things not addressed.

I'm finding too, that I can help things along even by resting when I need to rest, by stopping what I'm doing and going to do something completely different, just to change position or perspective.  What a relief in the physical sense just to go from seated to standing to walking! or from standing to seated!  Just so in the emotional / psychological sense  -  sometimes I just need a breath of fresh air, an infusion of new life.  Music and nature do that for me.

I'm learning to look after myself and to allow myself time to get things done, to not stress out if it's about something that's non-essential or it's not done as fast as I would like. As I loosen up both physically and mentally, I'm better able to do even more of what's good for me.

His Story

It's the most powerful story in the world.  

It's changed more people's lives, done more to shape the thinking of countless generations than any one story could.

This past weekend, our church did its best to tell His Story in all its simplicity - no apologies, no excuses.  The reaction from all who have given feedback has been phenomenal. Account after account crop up of people's lives being profoundly affected just from this one simple - incredible - compelling story.

It's amazing.  

You see, we told His Story.  And then we told how His Story changed our own stories.  And it has - in many different ways.  

It's so easy to become blasé in the church.  Yeah, Jesus died for our sins and rose from the dead on the 3rd day.  Ho hum.

But put yourself in the story, fellow believer.  When that happens - when the reality of the sacrifice at the cross and the realization of the resurrection bursts upon your consciousness - the excitement of those moments can devastate your decorum and you might not be able to keep yourself from celebrating!!

Comments I've heard from this production from those who attended range from awe at the singing to "NOW I understand what it's all about!!" from a boy not yet a teen.  

Those who participated in the play were encouraged to identify with their character.  This revolutionized the cast's perceptions, no matter what part they played - from Jesus to Judas and everyone in between.  I watched someone to whom tears did not come easily, break down and weep in grief on stage during the burial scene, and be so affected that she was in tears even after the scene was over.  It is so indicative of how potent and arresting His Story is even after nearly 20 centuries, because He let His Story unfold - painful as it was physically and spiritually for Him - so that we could become part of it.

Such magnanimous, unconditional love still astounds me.

Celebration and Stress

It seems like it should be a contradiction in terms.  Yet holidays and celebrations (whether holy days or birthdays or weddings or anniversaries or graduations) are rife with stress because - well, because they involve people in close proximity to each other.

Who hasn't been disappointed or had a holiday of some sort ruined by an argument or another's attitude of ungratefulness or resentment? I think we all can think of at least one.  Some people can't think of a time when there HASN'T been strife wrecking what is "supposed" to be quality time with family and/or friends.

Why do we put ourselves through this anyway?  is it to hear the "oohs" and "ahhs" of those at the family dinner table when the main course is served?  

Unfortunately, that's the only reason why some do it, because special gatherings are always preceded by shouting, tears and/or slamming doors.  There's a proverb that says, "Better a dry crust eaten in peace than a house filled with feasting - and conflict." (Prov. 17: 1 - NLT) 

That kind of atmosphere, in spite of the luscious food to which everyone looks forward, is nothing but a sham.  

For many years now, we've had four family feasts a year: Easter, Canadian Thanksgiving, American Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  But we don't usually have them on the day most others do.  We've simplified over the years to push Easter turkey (or ham) dinner to Easter Monday, same with Canadian Thanksgiving - because there is so much else happening on the Sunday.  This is so that the stress of preparing the feast is the only stress of the day, and we don't have to squeeze a whole bunch of other things into our schedule.  It's so much more relaxing that way.  

It doesn't mean there aren't arguments - but lately they have been fewer.  A large part of that has been that both hubby and I have been on journeys of healing in our own lives, and we are more comfortable talking about our feelings and why it is we feel that way.  The kids are starting to catch on to that as well.

Like last night.  I had planned to make lemon meringue pie for Easter dinner dessert, and was dreading making the pies because of two things: the mess it creates and the lack of room in the fridge to keep the pies fresh and cool until the time came to eat them.  Daughter #2 came in to the living room when I was watching a show (it was 10 minutes from the end), and wanted to make the pies together.  I didn't feel like it. She pushed; I resisted. 

Yes - words were exchanged and someone ran down the hall and cried for a while. So ... it's not perfect. But afterward, instead of the silent treatment for 2 days, we talked.  I said what I needed in order to feel comfortable with doing some cooking with her.  She and her boyfriend cleaned the fridge, tidied the counter, and then she and I made the pies together.  It wasn't the best possible way to handle the request - but it was a start.  And the conflict was all resolved in the space of 30 minutes.  

We even had a good time - and appreciated each other for the help given and received.  And this morning, she sneaked a piece of the pie (not really - I saw her and she knew I saw her) ... and she loved it!

And yes, I am looking forward to our holiday meal!

A Merry Heart

"... does good like a medicine."

With that in mind, here's a snippet sent to me by a friend recently ... I just had to share it.  After all, I'm older now than I was when I started this blog entry (grin) and I'm finding that as I get older I take myself less and less seriously...

Texting Shorthand for Older Folks

We've all seen the texting shortcuts used by kids -- LOL (Laughing Out Loud), CUL8R (See You Later), etc. It's time older folks got in on the action -- yet our daily concerns are different from youngsters'.


With that, expect to start seeing these shortcuts from your older friends:

ATD - At The Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend Fell

BTW - Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

IMHO - Is My Hearing Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFLACGU - Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up

and...

TTYL - Talk To You Louder

=================================

Meditation

Three long spikes
holding flesh to wood
suspending 
divinity
for humanity -

Two rough beams
splintered and spike-marked
from countless
executions -
what's one more rebel?

One hung there
undeservedly -
forgiveness
through sacrifice -
death expiates... 

©2011-04-22 J.G. Gillis

Looking out for #1

Who's got time to look after the one in the mirror when there are so many other urgent priorities clamoring for attention?

But it's important to look after ourselves. A simple matter like tooth-brushing was a luxury that for years I felt I couldn't take the time to do when someone else needed or wanted my attention. 

Until about a year ago.  I'd been on my journey for a few months and I had gotten to the stage where I was making restitution to people for the harm I had caused them.  I thought I was finished with this when God tapped me on the shoulder of my spirit and said, "Uh, you forgot someone."  Yes, He meant me.  I had (by neglecting my own needs) been hurting myself.  It was time to treat myself differently.  I came up with a whole raft of other ways in which I was mistreating myself.  It was time to correct that - to make amends to myself.

And you know, when I started treating myself with respect, I found I had more to give to others.  It's weird but it works that way (as I have said before, the Golden Rule talks about loving one's neighbor AS oneself, not better than oneself.)

Over the last few weeks I have been paying more attention to my own health.  Since about a year or so ago, I have been paying more attention to taking in vitamins and minerals that my body needs.  

I've been trying to recover from putting my back out about 2 weeks ago - the recovery has been quite slow but it's starting to turn a corner.  

And since it's getting close to Resurrection weekend and our church is putting on a passion play, I am doing my level best to be AT my best for it.  I'm taking part in the play and I don't want to let the cast down.  My part is a solo, which I am really looking forward to doing.  

By the way, if anyone wants to attend the play (called "By His Stripes") it's at Calvary Church at 7:30 Friday night, and again on Sunday morning at 10:30.

Anyway, I digress.  The last week or so I have been really ramping up my self-care regimen to include foods rich in vitamin C and - to reduce the soreness in my throat - slightly more salty, without loading up on calories.  And I have also been taking a C supplement.  I've bowed out of some of my evening commitments so that I can avoid worsening my symptoms.  The result of this plus copious amounts of prayer from myself and others on my behalf - has been a slow but steady recovery.  Today I was even able to sing for a few minutes with my daughter on the way home from work!

Self-care is a healthy thing.  Physically AND mentally.  

Adequate sleep, good nutrition and hygiene, and taking time out for things that we like to do, all contribute to a healthy mind in a healthy body.  Our families and friends can better count on us when we are living a balanced life.

If we are constantly pouring out our lives for people without taking time to replenish our energies, we will hit burnout and resent the very people we have been trying so hard to help.  I know because it's happened to me before, and to so many others.  Having enough strength to share with others can only come from a place of plenty.  That can only come from enjoying our lives, really living.

We must have in order to share.

Attraction not Promotion

One of the neatest things about this new lifestyle - something that takes a while to get used to - is the idea of refraining from using the widely accepted methods of the business world to apply to one's personal life.

The phrase "attraction rather than promotion" is one in which I've come to believe quite strongly.  Billboards and such are great to advertise products - but when it comes to things in the human spirit, often a promotional plan backfires.  How much better to be ... just be!! ... The perfect analogy of this is of a flower:  as it just is a flower, and doesn't try to seduce the bees but rather, naturally produces the nectar that will attract any bee that just happens to be close by, so our internal lives, when they are allowed to develop and grow naturally, will attract the people that need to benefit from the overflow of our well-spring of life.  There is absolutely NOTHING forced about it.  No shoulds.  No oughtas.  Just life.

I get leery of (for example) televangelists who somehow think that they have to have this or that gimmick to be able to get new followers or keep old ones, even to the point of doing the classic, "if you donate more than X number of dollars, you'll get a free authentic coaster made from the bark of an olive tree in the Holy Land."  Or whatever the gimmick is.  

Or consider the people who want you to donate to a cause so they make it into a contest where you get to put your name in a draw for money or a prize.  Shouldn't it be enough that you want to give to the cause?  

We're promoted up the wazoo.  Attraction takes time.  It takes investment in the things that matter.  Surface stuff is going to quickly fade away - people will get tired of gimmicks and someone will have to think up another one.  Or thousand. 

But attraction - well, that is something gentle - something real.  It might take more time (both to attract and to be attracted because face it, you have to be willing and open to it from both sides!) but the payoff is worth far more than any kind of reward a person could count.  It lasts longer, too.

And the fact of the matter is that it can't happen by just "trying to attract" because that's just another disguise for promoting.  Resting, letting things be what they are, letting people be who they are, accepting, and letting peace reign are important.  In the hustle and bustle of the promotional rat-race all around me, I need to remind myself that it's okay to just "be". 

Restorations

One of the most famous art restorations in history is the one done of the Mona Lisa.  It was painted on a block of poplar wood by one of the most remarkably talented painters of the Renaissance period, if not of all time.


Amazing.

In 1956, someone threw acid at Leonardo da Vinci's famous painting.  The acid landed on the lower half of the painting and the restoration took several years before the restored painting went on display in New York, Tokyo and Moscow in the 60's and 70's.  

Perhaps if it hadn't been for the acid attack, nobody would have thought of trying to restore the painting to its original beauty.  There's a thought!  Isn't it odd that it would take a seeming tragedy to bring about a means for countless people to enjoy the enhanced wonder of da Vinci's brilliance.

Someone recently did a computer scan of the Mona Lisa and found that da Vinci used over 30 layers of varnish over the painting to preserve it.  Over time, the varnish darkened, producing the yellowish cast most associate with the painting. Removing those layers - little bit by little bit - allowed the natural colours of the original work to shine through.

The process of restoration is painstaking.  Brushstroke after brushstroke, millimeter by millimeter.  It takes a great deal of skill.  It also takes time.

It takes a LONG time.

The restorer has great skill.  He knows what he's doing.  

When I get discouraged at how long my own restoration of spirit is taking, how sometimes I tend to take a step forward and then three steps back, I remember that I'm not in charge of this process, and that my Restorer IS.  I am encouraged to look back over the whole of the journey and not just the events of the last day or week or two.  When I do that, and realize how it is God who has empowered me to go through this process, I am so very grateful ... and another millimeter of yet another layer of lacquer comes off of my spirit.

I'm very, very glad He doesn't give up on me. 

Roots of Religion

I am taking a real risk here.

I know so very many adults with deeply ingrained trust issues.  I count myself among them still.  I'm not sure if I can count on people, or even on God.

I think it starts when we're little.

Our parents, wanting to control our behavior - to give us some sort of motivation for "being good" - tell us that if we aren't good, this or that fictitious character won't come to give us presents, or money, or easter eggs.  External motivations for good behavior amount to one thing and one thing only:  RELIGION.  Dress it up any way you like it, it's either earning brownie points, or it's behaving in such a way as to avoid punishment.  And ... it's wrong.  Because once the myth is exposed - and it is ALWAYS exposed - then the young heart learns that trusting in something or someone hurts in the end.  And it hurts a LOT.

Yes, even the "Christian" myth.  Oh I can hear you now - Christianity isn't a myth.  I know that.  But we Christians have made it into a religion - and religion is candy-coated myth.  What I mean is that we have made what is supposed to be a relationship with God into something that has to do with doing all the right things, saying all the right words, in order to either gain brownie points with God (so He'll do what we want Him to do) or to avoid getting slammed by Him (i.e., to avoid being punished.)  

If that is all there is to it, count me out.  

Thankfully though, I've been learning that that's not what it's about at all.  It's about a relationship built on His love, and our gratitude and trust.

Telling children that something that's make-believe is real ... is lying to them, setting them up to be hurt, and setting parents up to be mistrusted down the road.  I know it's "magical" to see their eyes light up - but is that really worth it to risk crushing their spirits later on?  Can we not make "behaving" about pleasing a loving someone (i.e., the parent) that they are in a relationship with? Would it kill us to build that relationship with our kids instead of relying on a fantasy to keep them in line?

I'm not saying we can't teach our kids about Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or the Easter Bunny.  I'm saying that we can tell them that it's a story that is fun to pretend about.  Like a game they pretend about in the back yard.  That way, when we tell them that God is real and we live in relationship with Him so they can see it, they'll be able to tell the difference ... and be able to trust.

Enjoying Life

I'm not quite sure where we got the idea that we're not allowed to enjoy life, to have a good time, to look after our own spirits.

Enjoying ourselves is crucial to being able to cope with the things life throws our way.  When we take time for ourselves, our emotional tanks are kept at "Full."  We can appreciate more fully the good things in our lives, and we can cope better with the body-blows life throws at us.  All by doing what we love to do and not letting the urgencies of life fritter away at our peace of mind.

Whether it's getting outdoors and being active, curling up with a good book, gathering with your friends, or listening to music, the human spirit responds quite well to care and nurturing.

I think that our life-long focus on productivity, while it has its place, can get in the way of us living our lives.  Taking an hour to do something we love to do needn't be cause for guilt.  Rather, it can be a reason to celebrate, and often can enrich the lives of others around us.  After all, when we're in a good mood, don't people like being around us?  Happiness and contentment are contagious!

Guess what happens to dishes that don't get washed or beds that don't get made?  They stay exactly where they are, and they don't go anywhere.  

When I get to the end of my life, I don't think I'll be obsessing about how often I did or didn't do the laundry.  Or whether I spent enough time at the office.  What I'll be thinking about will be the moments that I have spent with my family and friends, making memories with them, singing songs with them, and enjoying their presence.  And I'm the kind of person that can't enjoy someone else's presence until and unless I'm comfortable in my own presence.  

Which is why I guess I was so unhappy for such a long time.  

Now, things are different.  I take the time to look after myself, to allow myself some recreation, and to spend time with people I care about and who care about me.  I'm learning how to have fun, to lighten up, to laugh once in a while.  After decades being serious enough to make up for everyone else's frivolity, I'm learning to let go of my oppressive killjoy attitude, and to enjoy my life.  I can barely believe this, the life I now have compared to a couple of years ago.  

I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Where the wheels are

A few times when I was growing up, my dad would take it upon himself to try to teach my mother how to drive.

He didn't get very far.

She had to get someone else to teach her.  He would get too impatient with her because he would instinctively know what was the right thing to do, and he couldn't find the words to communicate to her what he wanted or how to do something he thought was so simple.

Even after she learned how to drive - at least enough to get her license -  he would get frustrated with her.  One day, in exasperation, he half-sighed, half-groaned and told her, "You don't even know where the WHEELS are!"  To which she retorted, quick as a wink, "I do so!  They're under the car!  if they were on top of the car ... we'd have a problem!"

There are a couple of young people in the house who are learning to drive.  I know myself enough to know that I would be the way my father was, so I leave the teaching to hubby.  It's interesting though, to hear the conversations they have about how frustrating it is and how important it is to practice, practice and more practice to know exactly where the front of the car is, where the back is - and - you guessed it - where the wheels are!

It takes a lot of focused concentration to learn where the wheels are and what end is up.  Lots of hard work.  Eventually, driving will become second nature to these young folk and they will take their place on the public roads of Canada.  It's like learning anything.  It takes time to get used to something new, whether it's a new mattress, learning to drive, or learning a whole new lifestyle of serenity, courage and wisdom. Even with a lot of practice it sometimes feels like one step forward, two or three steps backward.  It's so easy to get discouraged and give up, to go back to the old comfort zone.  It's hard to keep trying to do things a new way - to exercise new muscles, to learn a new way to relate to people. It takes time and effort!

But the payoff is so worth it.

Level and Plumb

I've been thinking a bit about building things (like houses, sheds, structures of some kind), how it is done, what the starting point is, what tools are needed, what the principles are.  It's pretty interesting how the tools we use today have changed so very little from those used in ancient times.

Two words are crucial to constructing anything.  (1) Level.  (2) Plumb.  

The builder has to determine what's perfectly flat. To do this, he uses a tool known as a level.  But the concept has been around for ages.  When the pyramids were built, they dug deep trenches in the sand, side by side like garden rows.  Then they poured water into the trenches and waited for the ripples to subside.  The mark the water made defined "level" and they built from that point upward, using what was level as a guide. 

They knew that digging down deep and putting water in these trenches, the water would seek the lowest place possible.  This would define the base of the pyramid.

The level for those seeking a life of fulfillment and purpose is a rather unlikely one but it parallels (no pun intended) the concept of seeking the lowest place.  It is the knowledge that no matter how hard we try, living life by trying to control all the variables just doesn't work.  It is the admission that on our own we cannot do anything of lasting value.  It is the concession that we are powerless to make life work.  Once that comes to us and we are still, that marks the point at which we can be ready for the next and equally crucial concept in this process.

Once the level (horizontal line) is known, a plumb line has to be dropped to determine what is absolutely at right angles with "level."  A plumb line is a string weighted at one end.  Plumb lines have looked very much the same since they were first invented, well prior to the Egyptian dynasties.  They usually come to a point and are balanced so that the point will be directly in line with the string.  Their purpose is to draw a vertical line from the base upward, as a guide in order to keep the building from getting lopsided (and therefore unstable).  

The way this is done is that the plumb line is dropped from above, and has to come to a complete standstill.  This takes time.  The weight at the bottom has to stop swinging, be perfectly still and not be touching any surface underneath that would influence the outcome.  This is the only way to determine if there is a perfectly vertical line.  

You don't just drop one plumb line and that's it.  Over and over again the plumb line comes out and the builder checks to see that everything is square.  At every new level, the plumb line not only shows which way is up, but the builder can determine whether the structure is "true" - that is, whether the horizontal lines at each stage are parallel to the level that was determined at the beginning, and whether each piece or wall is perpendicular to that, going straight up and down.

It doesn't matter if the building is ornate or not, or even if the walls and floor are made of sturdy materials (although that helps). But even with the strongest materials, it matters most if the structure is level and plumb.  If it isn't, it will eventually crumble.

We need to keep admitting and remembering that we are powerless over our own lives - this keeps us on the level - and that without God (our plumb line) we would never be able to live lives filled with peace and happiness.

But many of us treat our relationship with God like a tire swing.  Sure, when it's just sitting there, it shows what's vertical.  But we like to get on the weight (the tire) and see how far we can go.  It's fun to push the limits.

Unfortunately, we never get anything accomplished that way.  We just keep going over and over the same things and we might end up kind of dizzy, disoriented.

Remembering to stay level - that is, recognizing that even after getting into a relationship with God, we can do nothing at all to live the way He intends - "grounds" us.  And maintaining the plumb line - which only requires that we are quiet and let Him define which way is up - reminds us that it's only because of Him that we can accomplish anything at all. After all, He's the One who dropped the plumb line in the first place. He holds it steady at His end. The only variability is at our end.  

No wonder He says, "Be still, and know that I am God." (Ps. 46:10)

When we start thinking that we've built what is in our lives by ourselves, then we're not level, and our relationship with Him is not plumb. But as long as He is at the centre, we will continue to be amazed at what He accomplishes in us.

Basics

It's kind of weird how, as we go on in our lives, we tend to accumulate so much baggage.  Strange little things remind me of this - like recently my purse strap broke and I started to transfer my "stuff" to a new purse.  I found things in the old purse that I thought, "What's THAT doing there?" and found a place for it elsewhere.  And it's true in life.  The baggage gets heavier and heavier and we don't realize we're carrying a whole whack-load of stuff around that needs clearing out. Until something breaks or comes apart, something we took for granted perhaps.

Then we understand that God is all about relationship, much as we try to make it about impressing Him - or impressing others in His name.  We figure if we spend our time doing things FOR Him that He'll be gratified.  But that's not what He wants most.  The most important word in His vocabulary is the word "WITH."  That's basic.  It's foundational.

God's promise "I am with you" appears again and again in the Bible.  It takes many forms: "I surround you, I am your rear guard (i.e., "I got your back"), I will never leave you, I have carved you on the palms of My hands, and so many more assurances of His presence, His companionship, His help.  The relationship, as stated in these passages, is not so much of a boss and employee as it is a friend or a parent.  Now I know that some have a problem with either or both of these analogies because of bad life-experiences.  But I can bet that there isn't one person among those people who hasn't fantasized about the ideal father or the ideal friend.

That's who He is. 

He's about face-to-face relationship.  Getting to know each other better and better, the feeling of being at home in each other's company, looking forward to the next encounter or the next adventure,  exploring each other's many facets ... that kind of relationship. And over time, there is a growing sense of feeling comfortable enough with each other to share innermost thoughts and feelings, to make every day a living conversation which is fulfilling to both parties.

When that is first, we will take our cues from Him and we will naturally come in contact with those whose lives we were intended to touch.  There will be nothing forced, no sense of duty involved.  It will all be love-based, gratitude-based, relationship-based.  And the artificial trappings we have built up, things based on shoulds and oughtas, musts and sposta's, will fall off like Punchinello's dots.  (see my post called "You Are Special" [yes, that's a link] if you haven't already.)

And when we get tired - and we WILL get tired - we can rest in the one thing we know is solid: His love.  We didn't have to go begging for a little attention; He took the initiative and came looking for us.  We love Him, as 1 John says, because He first loved us.  And what a love!!  We can know that He is looking out for us, that He is singing with joy over us, that He is planning wonderful things for us.

There's something validating about all of that.  It grows not only love, but trust, gratitude, grace, confidence, peace and so much more.

But it all starts - and ends - with the basics.

Mighty Meekness

The last several days have been fairly stressful for me.

I was in a situation where I was feeling attacked, bullied, trapped.  It was (to say the least) quite upsetting.

The old me would have run away, refused to face the situation until cornered, and then overreacted, braced for the situation with a chip on my shoulder, spoiling for a fight. 

To be sure, I didn't handle it perfectly, but I am amazed by the fact that I had enough self-knowledge to be able to refrain from the desire to retaliate, to just give myself time to process my emotions and to get some objectivity.  That took me 4 days.  In the meantime I talked out my feelings with people I trust - and asked for prayer support as I went into the lion's den (so to speak) to face the issue head-on.

A friend gave me some really valuable advice not long before my confronting the issue.  This person said to not go in from a defensive point of view but with a view to understanding and resolving the problem.  An open hand - this friend told me - goes way farther than a clenched fist.

I recognized the wisdom in those words.  So before meeting with the person in question, I made sure that I was as relaxed as possible and resolving not to escalate anything.  And I took about 5 to 10 deep breaths - and prayed.

And you know, it went really well.  We understood each other, apologies made on both sides, and in another area we agreed to disagree and respect each other's opinion.  But the confrontation I so feared didn't happen; everything was civil, and by the end we were even starting to banter back and forth.

Sometimes people look at the word "meekness" and read it as "weakness" - my friend had already learned that this is not the case.  And today I learned how mighty meekness can really be.  I felt the positive thoughts and the prayers that bolstered my spirit, reminding me to do the right thing for the right reasons, and be true to myself.  Meekness is power under control - the picture is of a spirited stallion held in check with just a small bit and bridle.  Or - a huge elephant, capable of stampeding, curbing his great strength and being gentle.  

When I compare my behavior today to how I would have reacted a little over two years ago, I can't believe it.  I felt my feelings (all weekend to be sure) processed them, resisted the temptation (with help) to stick to the facts and the behaviors, talked about my feelings without attacking, owned up to my part in the situation, and voilà! 


I am still amazed by how the most distressing of circumstances can be used to help us to grow inside, as long as we remain true to a serene lifestyle of honesty, openness, and willingness.

Guardians

Occasionally I have benefited from the protection of supernatural beings sent by (as "The Message" describes Him) the God-of-angel-armies (aka the Lord of Hosts).  I've known protection in perilous interpersonal situations, potentially fatal car accidents, even a near-slip on an icy sidewalk.

I firmly believe that these angelic beings exist.  But I'm not about to worship them or pray to them.  They are messengers only.  I can thank the Creator for them, though - several times in my life I have known that they were with me, doing God's will concerning me, without my even being able to see.

The simpering, wimpy image of angels popularized in the Middle Ages and the Renaissance is not what I envision.  Neither do I think of people who have passed away trying to "earn their wings".  I think of powerful spiritual beings specifically created to worship God, to do God's will, and to intervene in the lives of people.  Huge creatures - at least 10 feet tall.  

Warriors. Guardians.

They protect the innocent, shield them from worse things happening to them.  They wage war with their counterparts in battles we cannot begin to imagine in a dimension that is rarely if ever perceived by humans.  They watch us and marvel at the opportunity we have to develop a personal relationship with God.

Ministering spirits, the Bible calls them, sent to minister grace (in this context, strength) to those who are the children of God.  

Yes.  Superhuman strength.  

Frenemies

I was doing a little research tonight on how to handle a difficult situation, wondering if my perception of the problem was based in reality or just in my being oversensitive.

Turns out I was right on the money, and I learned some interesting things, and a new term (hence the title - frenemies.)  A frenemy is an enemy that says he or she is your friend.  Yet he or she finds ways to belittle you at every opportunity.  Frenemies can be in one's family, social circle, church, or work.

I ran across the term while I was reading an amazing article by Susan McClelland about workplace bullying in Canadian Living magazine; if you want to check it out please click here. I highly recommend it!! 

Bullying is most frequently associated with the schoolyard.  But schoolyard bullies grow older (I was going to say grow up) and become bullies as adults.  

One of the things I learned from the article was that a bully's target is not the weakest person in the group but in most cases, it is the strongest, or the most intelligent, or the most hard-working person - one who is non-confrontational by nature.  It is this last quality - wanting to avoid confrontation, on which the bully capitalizes.  The reason the workplace bully (and over 80% of workplace bullies are bosses) chooses the one who's doing a good job is that he or she sees the hard worker as a threat.  Behaviors like intimidation, manipulation, threats, and sarcasm are only a few of the things that workplace bullies use to exercise power over their victims.

One of the tenets of my new lifestyle is Acceptance.  I was struggling with how acceptance fits into how - or whether - to confront a bully.  And then I read something just today by Melody Beattie in her daily reading book, "The Language of Letting Go."  She wrote, 

"Acceptance does not mean we accept abuse or mistreatment; it does not mean we forgo boundaries, our hopes, dreams, desires, wants, or ourselves. 

It means we accept what is, so we know what to do to take care of ourselves and what boundaries we need to set."

So it comes down to this.  Nobody has to accept being the target of a workplace (or any other place) bully. If I am outraged when bullying happens to another person, I have the right to be just as outraged when it happens to me.  I am not doing anyone any favors by suffering in silence; I am only causing the bully to think that he or she can get away with it on someone else.  There is no way that anyone should have to dread going to work - use up their sick leave from being so stressed about the situation that they actually get physically sick (migraines, stomach difficulties, etc.) - just because there is someone at the job site who has decided to eliminate a perceived threat.  

Solidarity is the best defense against a workplace bully (we learned this on the playground with school bullies) because confronting one alone is professional suicide. Any confrontation needs to be done with witnesses. So, it's best to be smart about it. For example, I need to be calm and rational when confronting or exposing this kind of behavior, and setting boundaries; I can't just go into it willy-nilly without a clear picture in my mind of what happened, why it's wrong, and what specific things I want changed.  My being too emotionally distraught puts the bully at an advantage and paints me in an unprofessional light with my superiors.  

I need to confine myself to talking about the behavior, and not about the motivation behind it.  I need to refrain from mounting a "counter-attack" because this will escalate into a one-upmanship war.  A simple recital of the facts and how they have affected me, will suffice.  If the bully has involved another person in his or her vendetta, that person may need to be brought into the discussion - possibly even with a union representative or conflict resolution specialist - to put the issue to rest.

And if all else fails - there's always the Canadian Human Rights Commission, which takes a very dim view of this phenomenon.

Rare kind of friendship

Friendship is a funny thing.  You never know what will cause two people to become friends - or stay friends.

There are the friends you have because you see them every day, you share a lot in common with them, and they're fun to hang out with.  There are others, though, a rare kind that you can even see once every several years and it's like the time never passed; you pick up right where you left off, and the years melt away.  Everyone needs someone like that.  At least one someone.  Hopefully more! 

The past week has been rather difficult for me for personal reasons, especially yesterday.  The reasons are immaterial, it's just interpersonal stuff.  I was feeling attacked by someone against whom I could not retaliate for various reasons.  

This morning was weird.  Usually hubby and I would have gone out to have a coffee early in the day, but we waited for some reason - then decided on a whim (okay it was because we saw politicians in the neighborhood and didn't want to talk to them) to go right then.  Having only had one cup of coffee, we decided to head to our usual spot for another.  The cream machine was on the fritz so we had to wait until it was fixed before we got our coffee - five minutes.  

During that five minutes, someone got in the lineup to be served, and was waiting patiently.  I thought she looked familiar ... but I didn't want to stare.

Within a minute or two, I saw her out of the corner of my eye, heading briskly in my direction.  It WAS the person I thought it was - I had not seen her for over three years! She was so pleased to see me and I her, that we must have spent ten or fifteen minutes standing there talking a blue streak - like those years had vanished - catching up on our news and each being so glad the other was there.  

It was just what she needed in that moment, and just what I needed as well.  I told her afterward that this was a "God thing".  (After all, coincidences are said to be just "God's way of remaining anonymous"... but there were just way too many of them so He tipped His hand - on purpose!)

We reminisced, we laughed, we shared, we even cried a little.  It was such a wonderful gift, given when each of us needed it most.  

I don't pretend to know how these things work, but as I look at the problem I have been having all week and the events of yesterday that will need to be addressed, somehow it doesn't seem quite so overwhelming anymore.  I guess I needed to be reminded that I'm not alone and that people can like me for exactly who I am, and more than that: I can contribute to someone else's life and enrich it just by being there - and that there are people that enrich my life by their very presence, people who I like just for who they are.

That rare kind of friendship can't be quantified.  It's priceless.

Please Note

Rules for throwing knives

1. Don't.  Please.

2. If you must, first practice a LONG time (i.e., for many years) with non-living targets and make sure you miss them EVERY time.

3. Keep in mind that the idea is to MISS the person in the middle.

4. Keep knife-throwing confined to the circus.  Don't do it at work or school, and especially not at home or church ... with physical OR verbal knives.

5. Before you start, allow your intended target see you practice before deciding whether to volunteer, and ALWAYS get such informed consent (see rule number 4).  The legal ramifications could be life-long.  Or in certain instances, life-short.