Caught unawares

It was 2:40 p.m.  I'd spent the day doing housework, listening to music, watching TV... nothing spectacular.  It was a day like every other day before it and like many days after it would be as well.  

I heard the roar of the school bus going up the road.  "Won't be long now," I murmured to myself, a slow smile on my lips.  

Five minutes later, the storm door slammed.  I heard a thump as her kitbag hit the floor, a couple of flubbling sounds as the winter boots came off and rolled a bit - and, wait for it - everything drowned out in a sound that was so common now that I didn't jump anymore.

"YYYYIPPEEEEEEEEE!" she whooped at the top of her lungs.  

I smiled.  She'd held herself in all day at school and it just HAD to come out.  

She's what a lot of parents might call a "difficult" child. I'd say rather that in comparison to other children, she's always been "more." More perceptive, more intuitive, more intense, more sensitive, more adventurous. I can't say that nurturing her hasn't been a challenge when she and I are so different in personality, but I CAN say that she has brought a never-ending source of variety and spice to my life.  Her positive attitude, her faith, her humour have brightened my days and inspired me, even given me strength to face some of the hardest times in our lives. There have been times that I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't been there to say that everything was going to be okay.  

And it was.

I don't know quite how or when it happened.  I think it might have been while I was dealing with finding myself after decades of being wrapped up in other people (and not in a good way), but she just ... grew up.  All of a sudden I looked around and I was ten years older - and - so was she.  It caught me unawares.

Got this photo at THIS SITE

And now she's talking about leaving.  Not just to get her own apartment in the city, but to go half a continent away into another country.  Never mind the travel cost, the price of health care, or the rules and regulations surrounding visitors to that country and how long they can stay, or whether they can work there (I've heard the job market is fiercely competitive!) 

No, never mind all that. I will miss her presence... that indomitable, relentless, boundless optimism.  And the funny things she says and does - she's had me laughing so many times - so hard the tears stream down my face and my stomach muscles ache.  I will miss knowing about her day, her friends, her hopes and fears. I will miss watching her care for her friends, witnessing her tenacity and her loyalty first-hand.  In my mommy-heart, I still hear her coming home, shouting at the top of her lungs from the sheer joy of living, of being home.  And I wonder where that little girl went, and at what point she said goodbye.  Part of me - the part that wasted so many years - wonders what I could have done or said differently.

I hope she knows that she is loved, so very much!  I trust that she knows that her father and I believe in her, want the best for her, and will always stand our ground if we need to defend her.  I hope she understands that she can always come to us - that our door is open.  I hope that she will always WANT to come to us.  

To come home.

Still there

So after so horribly many days of rain and blech, (that last word said with a lot of phlegm - haha) the sun came out from behind the clouds and we enjoyed a few hours of unfiltered sunlight yesterday and today.

I'm told it will happen again tomorrow and all weekend. :D

Source:  http://www.photosfromfinland.com/

It's so nice to see the sun peek through the clouds or around a corner - or through the trees.

It lifts the spirits.  

Funny how such a small thing as the weather can affect how we feel.  The sun has such therapeutic properties and many of my friends - and I suspect I as well - suffer from a mild form of Seasonal Affective Disorder.  One of them says he's "solar-powered."  A warm sunny day can truly be a gift.  

It's hard to remember on those dreary, rainy, misty or foggy days that behind the clouds, the sun is still shining.  Even if we can't see the sun, the fact that there is daylight whispers the secret that the sun is shining on our side of the Earth.  (I'm reminded of Rowan and Martin Laugh-in's 'Hippie Dippie Weather Man' who stated, "The forecast for tonight is Dark - followed by scattered Light rays in the morning.")  

And it seems that with all the draining, erosive things that happen in our lives that suck the hope and the life out of us: sickness, boredom, situations that require a lot of our emotional energy, and so forth, it's so hard to remember that God is still there - shining His light into our lives and pouring out His love.  Yet the clouds of our lack of understanding, or of sheer circumstance that seems designed to siphon off our joy and hope, get in the way and we forget.  So when the sun breaks through the clouds - for me it's a reminder that things will be all right in the end, ... and if it's not all right, then it's not the end.

All I need to focus on for this 24-hour period is staying real, staying close to God, and doing the next right thing. 

I. D. Ten T. Errors

I think I read this somewhere.  When a person who doesn't know much about computers makes a simple (beginner's) mistake on a computer, the computer-literate call it an "I. D. Ten T." Error.  When written in alphanumeric language, that is an ID10T Error.  

Perhaps ID10T errors could be identified in the real (non-computer, relational) world:
- telling someone else's secret after promising to maintain confidentiality
- laughing at or diminishing someone else's pain to make them look bad or stupid
- climbing over someone else's back (or front) on the way up the corporate ladder
- using sarcasm and/or ridicule as a motivational tool
- micromanaging / being obsessed with controlling every last little thing
- blaming everyone else for one's mistakes and not taking responsibility for one's actions
- defending the rights of one minority group only to turn around and support the majority against a different minority  (example from the schoolyard: defending the kid with Down Syndrome only to turn around and ostracize the shy kid)
- overreacting / judging out of previous bad experiences rather than listening to another's perspective
- being too eager to "help" someone with their "problem" thus creating either resentment or dependence in them...


... and the list goes on.


I've made some of these mistakes, quite probably all of them at some point or other in my life.  Everyone's probably made at least some of them. The question is, what to do about them? or can anything be done about them which won't make matters worse?


All I can do is be aware that they happen and just let go of my need to take things too personally.  To let myself off the hook when I screw up. To let others off the hook when they screw up without realizing it.  And all the while, to not apologize for having feelings, living my life, having needs, or taking up space in the world.  These are core values that have been overdue in their development.

And maybe I'll be more careful to catch myself and others NOT making ID10T errors - and be consciously grateful.

Take a breath

Every once in a while, after a series of emotional body-blows, it's like God calls a "time-out" in my life. The storm clears, the wind dies down, and He invites me to "take a breath." Stop. Breathe. Re-orient. Rest.

About 8 years ago I stumbled on something that King David said when he talked about how well God knew him. I read it in the New Living Translation. "You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment You know where I am." (Psalm 139:3)

The tacit permission that gave my spirit - to be where I was, to feel what I felt, and to take the time I needed to rest - has come to my aid so many times in my recovery.

This week I've needed to do that again. It's been very comforting to know that even when I think that my life is spinning out of control, He has gone ahead of me and will give me a rest stop, a place to pause and take a breath before going on. And that no matter where I am, He knows where I am and ... He's not nervous about it; He knows what's ahead.

I can trust - and rest - in Him.

Boy it's HOT!!

Don't get me wrong - I love the heat. One of my favorite places is curled up next to a fireplace on a cold winter's night. But summer - I hate to complain because it happens for such a short time in our part of the country.

I love the warm temperatures. It's the humidity and the bugs that annoy me.

I could spend a lot of time complaining about the weather, the climate, the economy, the construction that never happens except when the population triples during tourist season and people are already stressed to the max because crazy Uncle Max has decided to descend on the family (no I don't have an uncle called Max and I don't know anyone who does...) and the kids are more and more bored: "There's nothing to do!!" - so their idea of fun is going to a mall and spending our hard-earned money.

I could even spend a lot of time complaining any other time of year. In the winter it's the cold and wind. In the spring it's the wet and the muck. In the fall it's - well, it's that winter is right around the corner and autumn lasts an even shorter time than summer does.

But I can turn this whole thought process on its ear and look for the praiseworthy things. It's something I'm training myself to do.

In the summertime, the sun is nice and hot, the vitamin D is plenteous, I get to go on vacation, and I'm not encumbered with heavy coats, caps, scarves and gloves when I have to buckle myself in the car.

In the fall, - well - what's not to like about the fall? Beautiful colors, not as much lawn-mowing, the extra expenses of the summer (air conditioner, electricity, eating out because it's too hot to cook) are gone, and the neighborhood kids are back in school and not setting firecrackers off in the middle of the night.

In the winter - hallelujah, NO BUGS! The driving isn't all that bad - even the potholes are filled in with the snow and ice. And since winter lasts such a long time here, the crime rate is lower than in most places - criminals don't like the cold either.

In the spring, there is hope for warmer temperatures. The trees and crocus are the bravest souls - they bud long before I would venture out. The days are getting longer - spirits are up. The birds are coming back - one of my favorite sounds is the cooing of mourning doves early in the morning... that or the twittering of the sparrows in the hedge.

It's been said that attitude determines altitude.
I like that.