Up in the air

It's been an interesting couple of days.  An opportunity arose a week ago, right in the middle of my interpersonal saga at the office (see previous posts).  This opportunity allowed me to apply for a temporary "acting" position for the summer months. 

I spent all weekend working on my application, making sure all my T's were crossed and my I's dotted.  And yesterday, I sent in my application; with no exaggeration, I must have read it through, edited it, added to it, and compared it against what was required three dozen times in the space of those six days.  I contacted people for references, and alerted them they might get a call before the end of the week.  

Here's where I found this photo

Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work, I heard the still small voice of God probing my consciousness about this process.  "So.  How do you feel about all this?  How would you feel if you got the position?"  

I checked inside.  "Scared.  Excited of course, but scared... I guess that's kind of a good thing..." 

I could feel Him smiling. "And?  how would you feel if you DIDN'T get it?" 

This one kind of surprised me.  But I searched my feelings and discovered that although I'd be disappointed not to win, it wouldn't be devastating for me - and I wouldn't resent or be jealous of whoever DID get it. My response told me once more that I had grown in the last three years. 

When I got to work, I got the last of my "ducks" lined up, put a few tweaks into the application, read it through five or six more times and breathed a prayer.  "Your will, God.  Your will."  And I sent the application.

There have been times - many times - when there has been a huge question mark about something I wanted or something that might or might not happen.  In the past, I would stress and worry, and not let it go until I knew the answer. I'd not sleep, and I'd fret and stew about it, and eye suspiciously anyone whom I might see as my "competition."

But with this - and I hope this is the beginning of a new normal - the fact that the answer is (so to speak) "up in the air" doesn't make me lose any sleep. I'm perfectly fine with whatever happens.  

Go figure.

Living in balance

You can't give what you don't have.

It's a simple concept... but over and over again I have tried to offer help, whether emotional or practical, out of a place of want, of deficit, when I was just scraping the bottom to meet my own needs.  I ended up feeling used, put-upon, taken for granted, and yes, resentful. 

It's like the teeter-totter at the playground when the big kid gets on the other end. No matter how the smaller kid jumps up and down on his or her end, he or she is suspended, legs dangling, unable to get down and not having any fun at all.  When life is out of balance - when we pay more attention to the needs and demands of others (when they carry more weight) than our own needs, then there is the potential for a lot of resentment.

The lifestyle I've been practicing for the last three years or so is based on taking care of three central things in a specific order: 

(1) relationship with God, 

(2) relationship with the self, and 

(3) relationship with others, 

and then maintaining and strengthening those three relationships in that same order. The principle is that one must first have a full cup before one has the capacity to fill another's.  Sounds simple enough.  But the old lifestyle I had -  which still lures me back into its clutches occasionally - was just the opposite.  Give til it hurts, and then give some more. My motivation was that I wanted people to be grateful enough to do what I wanted them to do. Change, be more attentive, stop drinking, whatever.  And the result of that was that people first of all didn't change, but they expected me to keep giving, keep putting myself out, and then they wondered why I was so cranky.  Hmmm.  

When I learned that I was powerless over other people, that I was actually trying to be God in their lives - and without His permission! - things started to change.  I started focusing on what mattered most: my relationship with Him and then with myself.  Once I felt more at ease in my own skin, and was able to let go of my need to control the outcome of others' lives, I was able to have more healthy and fulfilling relationships with other people. 

I still have times when I go down that dark path and end up at the top of the teeter-totter, bouncing up and down and wasting my energies trying to look after someone who isn't budging and who might even use my people-pleasing nature against me.  At times like that I need to remind myself that I am responsible for my own actions, and that the other person is responsible for his or her actions. Then I can more easily let go, and let God do His stuff.  

That's a bit more "in balance". 

Showing it

About a month ago, while I was going through a very difficult time emotionally (to the point where I was losing sleep and having physical symptoms) I remember being in a store with my husband when we saw a friend of ours.  He stopped to talk to us and expressed his concern for me.  He'd noticed that I had lost the colour in my cheeks, was dragging myself around, and seemed very tired and/or sick. He said that he'd been praying for me, and that my husband and I were very special to him. As we parted, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Look after yourself...and feel better SOON."

The whole encounter took about five minutes.  But it felt so great to know that someone cared, someone noticed, someone wanted me to be happy, and that he took the time to SHOW that.  I hung onto that expression of loving concern for days and days.  It really meant a lot to me.  It fed my heart, so to speak.

Today, I saw him again.  He remarked how much better I was looking these days - more relaxed, more colour in my cheeks, more bounce in my step.  He said it was encouraging to see that.  Again I was reminded that I was loved, that my feelings mattered.  What a tremendous gift.  

From "The Importance of Hugging"

This fellow had learned somewhere along the line, that it's not enough to just care.  Care must be SHOWN to make a difference to someone.  It doesn't take long - five minutes during a random meeting, a few words or a smile and a wave, an encouraging text message, a short email, even a phone call.  But it can make the difference between someone feeling as though nobody cares, and borrowing a little hope to make it through another day until the sun starts to shine through. 

I really hope that the next time I am tempted to tell someone I care, I will remember to show it too ... just so the person knows I mean what I say and that it's not just empty words.  

Food for thought.

A"mazed"

When my youngest daughter was about 8 or 10 years old, we would eat out a lot at family restaurants which had children's menus and paper place-mats with activities for the children to do on the back. They'd give us a few crayons and the kids were occupied for the 20 minutes that it took for the food to arrive. It was great.

One of the activities on most of those place-mats was the maze.  Usually a circle, sometimes a square, it would have a mouse on the outside and a piece of cheese on the inside, or a bear looking for the honey pot, you get the idea.

This is the link for this puzzle.

Everyone I had ever seen try to navigate a maze puzzle started from the outside.  Except her.  She started from the inside where the 'prize' was - and worked her way out.  Usually she did it in far less time than we could have by doing it from the outside in.  I asked her once about why she did it from the inside out.  "It's easier that way," she said. "There aren't as many paths to choose on the inside, so I start with the easy part and work my way out to the outside. If I do that, the way looks easier for me to get back to the start."

There's a lesson in there.  Look after the inside first.

I've been thinking a lot lately about self-care.  The last couple of weeks, I've really been concentrating on looking after myself, on setting boundaries and taking responsibility for my part.  For someone who used to run from confrontation and other unpleasant things, this is never easy.  I cringe every time I do it.  It seems so daunting to just tell someone what I need if the possibility exists that I might be seen in a bad light.  I want so much for people to approve of me that I will take an unacceptable situation far too long and make false assumptions about the people involved.  This was what was happening to me the last little while.  I had myself convinced that someone was out to get me, when in fact the person was just trying to do a job and meet deadlines, that's it.  

But I had myself worked up into quite a state - four weeks ago I was walking around my workplace like a zombie, on the verge of tears the whole time. I was sleeping about three hours a night, feeling so very weary, dragging myself around, sometimes feeling so sick that I would call in - wanting to sleep but often not being able to catch a nap. The anxiety and depression were nearly overwhelming. 

That it took me as long as it did to reach out for help is something for which I take full responsibility.  I should have talked to someone sooner about how I was feeling.  Since that time, though, while following a program of self-care (looking after the inside first) I've been able to gain some perspective and a more balanced view of the situation I was in.  So this past Thursday, I made an appointment to see this person and talk. The individual listened, accepted what I said at face value, offered a few words of guidance, clarified a misconception I had, and supported me in whatever I needed to do in order to get back on my feet. 

It amazed me.  I'd been so afraid to approach this person and suddenly, within 30 minutes it was over - and the tension was nearly gone. Just like that.

And in that same time frame, other things happened over which this person would have absolutely no control... things that spoke to me and reminded me of the bigger picture, trust expressed by people I respected, fondness by someone I trust.  It almost felt to me like as soon as I took steps to look after myself and ask for what I wanted and needed, everything else seemed to fall into place - and not just at work.  Other areas started to click too - the depression began to lift about a week ago and the anxiety settled down... practicing my "breathe, unclench" exercise really helped too.  And then my confidence started to trickle back in ... culminating with the conversation Thursday.  

When I look back to the avoiding, frightened person I was as little as three and a half years ago, I am convinced that I would have been checking the job opportunities every day to get out of the situation without risking confrontation - anything but that! And it's STILL hard for me to do it - after a lifetime of running away, or being a chameleon and resenting having to change who I am to blend in - it's still a relatively new behavior for me.  That I turn instead and face my fears at all now, never ceases to surprise me - and I'm always just that surprised and amazed when I do.  (Like, who IS this person? can I get to know her?)  

My fear of people is getting less and less, gradually.  It IS taking less and less time to get to that place of looking after the inside first, working through the maze of relationships and boundaries, standing my ground, and asking for what I need.  Someday I'll learn to do it right away; someday I'll get to know that person inside and let her shine through first, instead of as a last resort.

That's when I'll really be a"mazed".

Off Centre

One of my favorite things to do with my school supplies when I was going to school was to play with my geometry set.  I'd trace around the protractor, the two triangles, and draw circle after circle with my compass.  

Drawing the circle was tricky on thin paper because it was so very easy to allow the central point of the compass to shift in the middle of drawing it. The result would be anything BUT the circle I intended. The ends wouldn't meet, and it would look sloppy.  It took practice to get it to stay put while the pencil went around and formed the circumference, touching exactly where it started. That central point was the anchor of the whole thing.  It was tricky to get it to work!

Spirograph art - here's the link

A similar diversion was my old Spirograph set. Yes, I had one!! I eventually lost the pins to hold the anchor bracket down to the paper, but that set of little plastic rings, cogs, pins and pens brought me more hours of "whoa-isn't-that-cool" than almost anything else in whatever free time I was allowed to have growing up.  

But the problem with the cogs and the ring was the same as with the compass. It depended on everything staying where it was supposed to stay.  I ruined countless Spirograph artworks because the cog - or the pins - slipped out of the anchoring ring.  The result - usually a dark mark bisecting the entire masterpiece - was not salvageable.  And that was in the days before erasable pens.  ;) So, I found the best way to do it successfully was to make sure it was all anchored well before starting, and to take my time while allowing the cogs to carry the pen - while I concentrated on keeping the pressure against the wheel steady.  Just as I had learned with the compass.  

Everyone needs an Anchor that won't slip away or shift.
I know Who mine is.
I wonder what - or who - is yours?

Level, Square and True

My husband is building a small shed to house the lawn tractor and a few other, smaller tools.  He's designed it himself, taken his time and carefully laid out the foundation, and invested a lot of energy especially in those first stages of making sure that everything was level and square.  He tested and retested those concrete blocks and the beams he placed on them with his level (okay, can't resist a joke: you know a guy's on the level if his bubble's in the middle), and made minor adjustments in the depth the concrete went into the earth, before ever he screwed in the first screw to the wood. 

It might seem like a lot of trouble to go to, but that extra time and effort is going to be well worth it.  The building will be more sturdy, more reliable, and more long-lasting.  It will withstand everything that the north wind and the snow and ice will throw at it in the winter, and it will protect its contents from the rain during the rest of the year. 

Here's the link where I got this photo

Starting from a level foundation and making sure that all the parts are square - that is, perpendicular to each other and fitting the way they're supposed to fit - will only enhance the function of the shed and turn it into an asset rather than a liability.  

The process is a visual reminder of how to build a life.  Make sure the foundation is level, spend extra time, as much as you need to.  Use tools to measure and be certain that the foundation is square because you'll be building on it - if the foundation is wrong, the whole thing will be crooked.  Think about how it's going to be, plan your escape route (the door) and a way to see out (the window). Frame it out and make sure THAT is square and true. 

"True" is hard to explain - carpenters understand the term. It means that the integrity of the structure is right, that the corners are not just square (that is, coming to a 90 degree angle) but that the framing is in a straight line all the way along, and that both the framing and fitted corners, put together, will support the roof and the walls as a result. 

Plainly put, the building process is a metaphor of life and the foundation in particular, is one of relationship with God - it's the foundation for living life as it really is.  Life needs to be grounded on something that is going to stand the test of time... and relationship with God is that something.  The floor and the framing are relationship with the self.  Nothing external can hang on those for very long unless the framing is True.  Self-care, setting boundaries, letting go of the need to control or look after others to the exclusion of the self - these are good structure for what will eventually be what everyone else sees: relationships with others (the walls).  Top that off with healthy boundaries between self and others (the roof).  That keeps the floor and the framing from getting soggy and rotten (grin) and keeps the tools from rusting.

The analogy is rather loose; I only just thought of this one tonight as I heard my hubby talk about his project.   But I believe that it has merit.  

Happy building. 

Get a good grip

You probably would not guess by looking at me, but I love to golf.  I'm not very good at it, but I love to do it.  (I haven't been able to lately for two reasons: my health and my finances). 

One of the first things you learn to do is how to hold the golf club so that the ball will fly straight and long.  It's a delicate balance - you want to hold it tight enough so it doesn't slip, but loose enough so that you don't throw off your whole swing (and sacrifice both distance and accuracy) by tightening up your muscles.  Once the club is pointed in the right direction, a perfectly great golf swing can be ruined by a poor grip.  Too tight and you hook or slice the ball... or you lean back and try to give'er - as the saying goes - and end up "topping" it so it only dribbles off the tee and bouncing about thirty feet ahead.  Not good.  Too loose, and the ball might go a long way, but the club will turn at the point of impact and send the ball in the wrong direction!

I will never forget what the person who taught me said about this. "Balance. Relax your core and keep your shoulders square, your feet lined up to where you want the ball to go.  Your stance should be natural, not contrived. Keep your eye on the ball at all times through the swing.  And remember above all things: it's golf, not baseball. It's not going to go farther if you lean back and put yourself out of balance. Finesse is more important than power."  

Here's the link for this photo!

Great life lessons!  

So is this one - courtesy of my husband.  "Don't compare yourself to the other player(s).  Golf is a contest but not with them ... it's with yourself. If you flub a shot, learn from it, let it go, and move on.  You're here to have fun, not to beat up on yourself."

But of all the things that I had to learn, the grip - I believe - was by far the most important, because it would complement or throw off everything else about my game.  Knowing how to handle that club was key for me to not lose my ball in the rough or miss hitting it altogether.  The reward for a good grip was that satisfying "sssnICK!" as the club face hit that ball right on the sweet spot... and my gaze would follow that ball straight down the fairway. Usually with my mouth open in amazement.

And at first - it felt so incredibly unnatural.  Grip it tight with these fingers but let those fingers flex with the shot.  Hook this finger around that one. No, not like that, like this.  (It was easy to tense up by this point).  Keep your wrists cocked until you get to the bottom of the swing and then straighten them out for impact and let them go again as you follow through.  Confusing?  OH yeah!

It was that way in my own journey of inner healing too.  I had to learn new skills I never had before.  Yes, keep holding on to this but let go of that.  Put this priority over that one, keep it there, no, now it's too far - tighten up this a little, loosen that, adjust your sights, now practice a bit.  See how that feels... (it felt ruddy awkward!!) Ah, you see? that's a good grip! (Really? how do people live like this?)

Eventually though, after a few successful swings at life - seeing the far-reaching results of even my own feeble efforts to live life without trying to beat it (or me) to death, I got a bit more used to the new normal.  And my life-game started to improve.

By no means have I broken a hundred yet.  But at least I'm getting a good grip.  I just need more practice.

Change in Plan

It's a glorious day. The weather couldn't be better, especially here, especially for this time of year. Hubby and I had planned to spend some time together this afternoon while the kids went and did something else together.

But the plans fell through; one child assumed the other would like to do something specific and it didn't work out that way - yet tickets had already been purchased.  My husband - gallant man that he is, agreed to use that non-refundable ticket.  Which leaves me without my planned (and anticipated) afternoon with just him.

Even a couple of years ago, that change in plan would have been way too much for me to take. I am naturally the kind of person that has to have things planned out several days in advance and things have to follow a certain pre-set itinerary; deviation from that normally sends me into a tailspin.

But I've been learning much about acceptance, about unhooking from what I want and focusing on WHY things happen (in other words, the purpose for a particular activity) and on WHAT is really important.  So while I was disappointed at not being able to spend that particular time with my spouse, I was able to unhook and understand that our daughter spending some time with her dad was going to pay dividends long into the future, and that one of the errands that my husband and I  were going to do together as a couple (and it had to be done during that exact time period) could almost as easily be done by me.  Not as much fun, but there you go.  I realized that no one person actually stayed up late and schemed over how to mess up Judy's day.  The plan just changed, that's all.

And I didn't get freaked out (read: afraid) or angry.  That amazes me.  

Someone I consider very wise said once, "Don't let a bad moment turn into a bad day."  That saying has come to my rescue many more times than I thought possible - and I expect it will in the future, too.  

A lot of my time has been spent lately in the negative spiral thinking pattern I mentioned briefly above (the plotting-to-wreck-Judy's-day thing) - not actually consciously thinking it of course, but half-expecting people to treat me like that because I felt that I had this thick black cloud over my head with lightning and rain coming down from it.  But most people don't actually do that (and if they do, that's THEIR problem!) - my life isn't cursed, and people can like me for who and what I am.  Allowing myself to unclench, to loosen up, to breathe, to relax and enjoy the moments as they come without fretting about what's going to hit me next, and without punishing myself for what's past, has been a valuable skill in the last few weeks especially.  Plus, it's helped me (after a bit of a bumpy start) to begin to cope with some pretty major changes in some parts of my life.  

A change in plan doesn't mean that things have to come to a screeching halt or even go backward.  It just means a bend in the road - even though I can't see what's ahead, I know Someone's passed this way before and knows the way.  And I'll be okay.  

:D

Mini-retreats

One of the things that's been coming out of my recent attempts to pay more attention to myself and my emotional needs is the idea of 'mini-retreats' - some have called them 'breaks' or 'breathers' from the daily stress-producing facts of everyday living.

I had an unexpected one today; I was heading from the washroom at work and was going to go to the vending machine to pick out some sort of naughty treat for myself - when a friend stopped me and we chatted in the hallway briefly. She said, "You look kind of tired, like you could use a pick-me-up.  How about we go someplace nearby for some coffee?" That idea appealed to me.  

So we went next door to the coffee shop, ordered our drinks (and I even had a yogurt - much better than what I was planning on having!) and sat outside in the sunshine to chat and have our treats. We talked about our non-work lives, shared views and opinions - like regular people.

What a welcome retreat from the mounting stresses of the day!  It wasn't much, just fifteen minutes in total, but it re-energized me and allowed me to get through the next hour or so until the end of the work day.  

It truly is amazing how a little pause can set the tone for the next little while.  I need to do that more often.  Or something similar perhaps - just to remind myself that things which I might think are earth-shattering ... won't matter even in six months.  And work is only one part of my life - mind you, it takes up about a third of my time - but still, it's not the be-all and end-all.  Little reminders like that can help me get some perspective and balance back in my thinking.  

Thanks my friend.  You gave me something to think about.

"Me" time

It's been pretty stressful the last little while in a lot of areas for me: work, home, church, family relationships.  Lots of change.  Lots of uncertainty.

The stress can really get to me when I am not rested, when I've allowed the tyranny of Just One More Thing to take over.  So the last couple of weeks I have been taking every opportunity to make a little "me" time.  After a couple of days of much-needed time off from work and a change of duties, I find myself able to make small jokes where I couldn't have before that time.  Dealing with the changes in my personal life and family relationships has been challenging as well. But I do remember the principles of recovery from codependency - that it's important to make time for me because self-care is the first step to setting healthy boundaries.  

So earlier today I found myself coming back from picking up some lunch (and carrying it back to my desk - which is another issue) when I heard music coming from the other side of the door that led to the stairwell.  Singing, to be exact. Our department has a choir that sings for Veterans in nursing homes and other places. So I decided to stop, go into the stairwell and eat my lunch while I listened to the Canada Remembers Chorus practice their next performance.  It only took about ten minutes, tops, but that little interlude left me going back to my desk with a smile on my face.

Later, after work, hubby picked me up and we turned our attention to where we might go on our weekly "date" which has been a fixture since the children were old enough to look after each other at home without us.  Instead of the usual haunts, we decided to hop in the vehicle and head about 35 miles away to one of our favorite restaurants - just because we like it there and this was our night. What a lovely treat it was to be able to do something out of the ordinary. 

This photo taken last summer, late August 2011

Right now, he's out doing something he loves doing ever since last summer when our daughter and her boyfriend presented him with a ride-on lawnmower. Yes, he's mowing the lawn, wearing his hearing-protection earmuffs, with a huge grin all over his face.  I'm smiling just thinking about it.

It's those little things that count, those things that tell us that we matter, that God cares enough to give us not only what we need, but sometimes what we want - those times when we are reminded that life can be fun ... and good ... and not sucky.  

Sometimes we just have to be intentional about looking after our own needs.  It's okay to do that.  It's okay to make some "me" time if we need to. We're people too; we're not invincible. I had forgotten how easy it is to slip back into those old patterns of behaving where I'd put my own need for nurturing aside and nurture someone else's stuff at my own expense, over-extend myself, and then resent the person not only for not appreciating it, but for coming to expect it!! I've had to remind myself lately that I can't do it all perfectly the first time.  And that when someone has a problem with something I do, I can acknowledge the feelings of hurt, frustration and anger that I might have, and then focus on what needs to happen so that I don't do that again or so that the person who gave me the bad news learns a more tactful way to give bad news. ;)  And to remember that what I DO doesn't define who I AM.  Huge lesson!  One I have to relearn over and over again.

When I make more time for me, though, it reduces my stress and allows me to stay grateful for the many blessings in my daily life.  Not the least of which is the ability to make some time for me in my busy schedule.  ;)

Security Blanket

We look at children who need a "lovey" or a security blanket to get to sleep at night, and we think it's quaint and cute.  But the truth is, everyone needs a security blanket of some sort.  Because we all need security.

When I was a child, and even into my teens and twenties, I had horrible flash-back nightmares of traumatic childhood experiences, as well as dream-type nightmares based on my worst fears - phobias I had, and in some areas, still have. These left me feeling so exhausted that I would eventually "crash" and go into a dreamless sleep for a few nights running.  And then they'd start again. Every time.  I'd wake up in a panic, convinced that insects were crawling all over me and into my nostrils, suffocating me... or whatever other "powerlessness" dreams my subconscious (or my conscious memory) cooked up for me.

I was at a loss as to what to do.  Then someone - I think it was a Sunday School teacher - suggested to me to sleep with my Bible under my pillow when I happened to mention that I was having bad dreams.  I was brought up in a very superstitious household and community, so that tactic made sense to me at the time.  I started sleeping with my Bible under my pillow ... and amazingly, the nightmares didn't happen nearly as often.  

In hindsight, what I think really happened is that I was aware of that Bible under my pillow all night long, and was reminded as I slept that Somebody bigger than me, Someone much larger than even the thing or things I feared most, was with me and looking after me.  It was a very small, very unusual security blanket. And I SO needed security.  And it worked.  I'm a firm believer that God uses whatever means necessary to let us know that He is looking after us because He loves us.

And yeah, I need reminding.  

I eventually grew out of my need to sleep with a Bible under my pillow - that phase lasted about three or four years.  The thing I took from that time in my life was that God's love was something that I could count on whether I was aware of it or not.  

Yet ... I still need reminding. Often.

I found myself thinking about my youthful but rather bizarre security blanket lately, because of my recent struggles with feeling overwhelmed by stress in my life.  I guess that my emotional needs haven't really changed since I was that many years younger than I am now. I still need security, security that can't be provided by other people or a regular paycheck.  I've tried to find it in other things, usually compulsive habits that make me feel better temporarily, but nothing really works except being reminded - and God always finds a way to remind me - that He loves me ... no matter what.  

No matter what.  Now THAT's a security blanket.

That Awkward Moment

My kids are really into Tumblr ... and their favorite thing to do is to read those posters that start "...that awkward moment when..."  I hear peals of giggles coming from them as they identify with commonly shared embarrassing experiences.  I've seen them spend an hour reading nothing but the awkward moment posters. 

The last little while I've been struggling with (albeit a mild version of) depression.  As word gets around my work place, or in my church, or among my friends, that I have been finding life a little overwhelming these days - I've noticed a change.  Not only in my own feelings, my energy level, and my motivation level - but also in the attitudes of others as they interact (or don't interact, which is more often the case) with me. It's kind of intriguing in a way.  

Perhaps people just don't want to run the risk that I will bleed all over them, so they avoid asking me how I am.  I understand that.  Perhaps they think that them talking to me will somehow add to my stress.  Maybe they're just uncomfortable with anyone who's in pain; it doesn't agree with their theology or their life philosophy. Maybe they are judging me.  After all, I've preached freedom from the chains of the past and living one day at a time.  And now this??   

Whatever the reason, there's a part of me that sits back and finds all this almost clinically peculiar.  I've spoken to one person who has suffered from depression for many years and it appears that this kind of reaction is not unique to my situation.  Hm.  Of course I wouldn't want people to fawn all over me and pity me. That is absolutely disgusting; it makes me cringe.

But there's another part of me crying out to be acknowledged, to know that I matter, to feel that nothing has changed in how they see me - in spite of what my eyes tell me.  Some people won't meet my gaze; they avert their eyes when they cross paths with me.  Their discomfort is palpable.  Others who used to approach me and chat, no longer do so.  If I want interaction, I have to go looking for it. I see the sidelong glances of people passing by as I chat with someone I've gone to see; I have to force myself not to wonder what they are thinking. The sense of isolation is very real.  

A rare few do brave the possibility of hearing "bad news" ... and stay in touch.  I am grateful for them and I try not to go into much detail when they ask me how I am.  I've taken to saying, (IF they ask me and IF they stay to hear the answer) "Taking one day at a time."  If they press: "I have good days and bad days.  Today is one of the ___ days." (insert adjective).  Otherwise I say, "Okay," or (if I know they won't bother to stop and talk), "Vertical." Most times I avert my eyes from them, too - preferring to alleviate their discomfort rather than my own.  

I wonder to myself if that's always been my problem.  Disappear.  Don't let the grownups see you.  I find it easier to try to analyze myself as if I was someone else.  It beats feeling some pretty unpleasant feelings.  Yet I know that I need to acknowledge those things and bring them out to the surface so they can be dealt with.  

My mental cogs chug away, on and on, endlessly, while I go about my daily routine, trying desperately to keep me on target without losing myself in the stories I must read to do my work.  Produce the next widget. Write it down, let them know I produced a widget.  Stay under the radar. Play it safe. Don't think of the widgets as real people with real lives, try not to let their stories move me...and die a little more inside every time I write down a number like it was just one more piece of meaningless data. Come home.  Eat.  Avoid making decisions; even "What's for dinner?" Vegetate in front of the TV or my computer. If I have a choice to go somewhere or not to go there, I don't go - tired of the judgment, weary of the well-meaning advice given by folks who want to fix it with trite slogans or pat answers. All I need is the inner assurance that they haven't abandoned me - which is all too rare; the down side is that I do end up isolating myself and not giving those who might show their support the chance to do so. 

But these folks are the exceptions - and they usually find a way to express their love, and they don't mind if I shed a few tears when they are so kind to me.  I wish - wistfully - that the other people would quit smothering me with platitudes or their own solutions ... or stories of what happened to Uncle Fred (theme: it could be worse) or how their Aunt Mary got help. It's not any other human being's job to fix me or snap me out of it.  That's God's job.  

This is my journey; nobody can walk it but me, as difficult as that is for some people to accept. (It's difficult for ME to accept too!) To those brave souls that continue share their presence and their love with me - without offering their opinions or judgment - I give in return all I am able to offer:  my profound gratitude.

Taking the red pill

I was reminded one evening recently, through something someone said, of the premise of the movie called, "The Matrix."  Okay that was a REALLY freaky movie, but it has almost a mythic truth to it.  There are so many applications ... but they all have one thing in common: stepping from a life you thought was genuine, into a whole new world that represents reality the way it is, even though that might be something totally opposite to what you thought was the way things were.

For those who haven't seen the movie, our hero, Neo, is a computer hacker, and one day he is kidnapped by some really strange people who take him to see an even stranger individual.  This person tells him that the world he knows is not the real world.  He has suspected something was amiss, but he's given a chance to find out for himself.  His contact from the real world gives him a choice: take the blue pill and wake up in your bed and never remember any of this bizarre experience, or take the red pill and find out the true nature of existence.

Neo takes the red pill - and is instantly and literally plunged into reality - a very disturbing reality which is far beyond anything he could have envisioned.  

He learns that human beings are actually "farmed" by a master alien race who provide a virtual reality dream-state for them to experience (the Matrix) while all the while, the life is slowly sucked out of them; when they die, their bodies are converted to fuel to feed the other humans who in turn feed the aliens.  The whole concept is very disgusting; it goes against everything we hold dear.  

The moment that Neo wakes up in the real world and sees how incredibly helpless he and his fellow human beings are in those little pods of slime, he is totally confused and doesn't know who to trust.  Fortunately his link to the "collective" is severed ... and he is again rescued by the one who opened his eyes.  He is nurtured and re-educated, allowed to rebuild his atrophied muscles, and given the chance to join a resistance movement to free his fellow human beings, one at a time, from this unwitting bondage.  He has to learn a whole new way of living, a whole new mindset, to be able to re-enter the Matrix (knowing that it is only an illusion), and to overcome the aliens and their allies through a computer interface.  

That period of transition, which starts with a willingness to be shown the true nature of living (taking the red pill), is always confusing and usually painful ... at first.  The new way of living feels unnatural, uncomfortable.  It takes a while to get used to and we are constantly in the process of un-learning and re-learning things we thought we knew.  Things we thought were true, aren't. Things we thought were our imagination turn out to be real.  We need to learn new boundaries, venture out toward new frontiers. 

It's not easy.  There are bumps in the road, and there are those who have been on the path we are on, who may have been there so long that they have become bored with or tired of the struggle - and they sell out to the evil entities  who would blind us to their existence and lull us back into that dream-state.  These changing allegiances is also part of the experience, though it is a painful one; only a friend can betray a friend - a stranger has nothing to gain (as one songwriter said).  Learning to deal with and then let go of those things is part of the new reality.  

Finally, when we "take the red pill" - we learn three important truths which remain, no matter how our world changes around us in the new reality.  (1) We are born into a world at war. (2) Things are not what they seem.  And (3) we have a vital part to play in waging that war.  

It's scary.  But we are loved, we are treasured, and our Rescuer believes in us and will never abandon us.

The uphill path

Slipping into depression is a scary thing.  You don't even know you're there.  You don't recognize the signs; you don't even know you've slipped down the slope... and that thorns have sprung up behind you to bar the way back. 

First there's a same-ness that creeps into the everyday.  Life becomes monotonous.  You hesitate to try new things, meet new people.  You start thinking that frustration is an acceptable thing - that everybody has to put up with a certain amount.  The demands of others (family, friends, perhaps your church or your employer) wear at you.  You forget (in looking after their needs) to take care of your own needs. You feel guilty for not being grateful for obvious blessings.  But the unhappiness won't quit.  You begin to think that your feelings don't matter ... when those same feelings are screaming at you to pay attention to them.  And down the slope you go... faster and faster until finally you're going so fast that you are not sure how to stop - how to get back.  It's terrifying.  

The feelings - when you allow yourself to feel them - the sadness, the panic, the loneliness, the anxiety, the anger, the shame ... are overwhelming.  So you shut them off - put them out of your mind.  Then your body gets in on the act.  It gets the message from your feelings and reacts with physical symptoms: upset stomach, muscle aches, joint aches, insomnia, bone-weariness, susceptibility to viruses, and lethargy - a body at rest wanting so badly to stay at rest!  Life becomes a struggle: just to get up and get dressed in the morning takes a major effort.  At some point, you wake up and are disappointed that you woke up. You dread every moment of the upcoming day.  Everyone else always seems so happy, so chipper, while you are irritable and easily hurt. People actually DO start to leave you alone.  You take it as abandonment, perhaps even persecution.  You believe you're defective. You believe that you've grown a giant "kick me" sign on your back... and that people are taking advantage of it.  You wonder if life will ever be better. You wonder if anybody even notices how unhappy you are... and the thought of life always being like this is enough to make you wonder if your family, if the world even, might be better off without you.

That is a horrible place to live.  

The first step out of that dark place is realizing you're there.  It sounds really over-simplified but it's true.  Knowing that what you're going through is not okay is the first step in dealing with it.

Depending on how severe and/or long-lasting it is, medication may be required, but it's usually the last resort.  There are other things that you can do to climb the thorny path back to a more balanced life.

Step one is to simplify your life as much as possible.  It sounds trite, but "No" is a useful word - a good word.  Saying "no" to the non-essentials leaves you with the energy to deal with the stuff that matters. Delegate tasks that others could just as easily do if you need to. 

Then, either physically or mentally make a wish list.  Figure out what you want, what's the most important thing to you?  then the next important and so forth.  Of those things, you are the best one to determine whether you can do something to help yourself, or whether you need to ask for help, or whether you need to put in on the "back burner" for now.  

Talk to someone you trust; tell that person that you don't need them to fix anything unless you ask them to fix it.  If there is someone to whom you can talk honestly about how you feel without fearing judgment or condemnation, DO it.  And when you do, you might want to consider asking for help in a few areas that you need help to change, if they can. 

Tell yourself (whether you believe it or not) that you are worth spending a little time on. And then act on it. If a member of your family was feeling the way you are, you'd move heaven and earth to help them feel better; you'd treat them to lunch or supper, maybe a hairstyle or a massage.  Why not you? If you have to schedule some time, carve it out of your busy schedule, to look after yourself, it's worth it - you will never regret it.  

Go for a 20-minute walk, "just because."  De-stress.  Do something you enjoy doing.  Listen to music, go horseback riding, call up a friend and plan some fun time at the movies, read a good book, go golfing, or listen to a CD or watch a DVD that makes you remember that life can be good.  It's okay to pamper yourself.  

And remember that it took a while for you to get into this state of affairs.  It might take a while to get back.  But you will get back.  

I wrote this post to encourage people who are suffering from this horrible and debilitating state known as depression.  What I didn't count on was that I ended up giving a pep talk to myself.  And strengthening my resolve to look after the important things.  Starting with me.

Soaking in love

The last day or so, I've been focusing on looking after myself, doing what I need to do in order to nourish my spiritual life, taking care of my mind and my body and especially my emotions.  

This morning I had the choice to go on the morning trip to take our daughter to work and to run errands with my husband. Normally I would go without question ... but today I decided to stay home.  I needed some quiet time just to myself.  

As I sat here, the silence - broken only by the gentle breathing of sleeping creatures and the quiet tick, tick, tick of the battery-operated clock - was like a soothing balm.  I could feel my muscles relaxing, hear the sound of my own breathing, and let God love me.  

Yeah I know, I know. God loves me all the time - but often, I don't make myself stop and experience it, take notice of it, remind myself of it.  When I don't remind myself, and I don't take time to intentionally soak in His love, I start to droop spiritually.

From the website:
http://www.flowershopnetwork.com/blog/peace-lily-drooping/

Just like my peace lily, which I keep at my office.  

Sometimes when I go to work, my peace lily is limp.  It means she has run out of water and needs it ... badly.  Peace lilies need a LOT of water compared to other plants like ivies.  Yet all it takes is a good dousing of clear (preferably room-temperature) water and she will slowly soak in that moisture and her leaves will perk up.  If she has blooms, they'll stand up straight too.  But it's not immediate.  It takes a few hours for the roots to be nourished enough to allow the excess water to travel to the leaves and blooms.  I get that; I was seriously dehydrated once, about 20 years ago - close to organ failure in fact.  They had to search really hard to find a vein since they were collapsing; I was nearly past caring at that point - yet scared enough to realize how important it was ... not only for me but for my unborn child ... that they find a functioning vein! Thankfully they did find one (or I would not be here to tell about it!) - it took them ten minutes of poking around. But re-hydration was even slower.  It took five days of IV fluids to get me to the place where I was even able to take soft foods. 

That's a scary place to be, spiritually as well as physically.  And this is where I was emotionally even as little as two days ago.  I am blessed to have been able to recognize that dragging myself around for weeks and not having the energy to do anything without exhausting myself, and not wanting to interact with anyone, even my family, were all warning signs of an internal drooping that had gotten so bad that I needed external help to start to look after myself.  And I am doubly blessed that I got the help and support I needed to start that process.  So I am deliberately "soaking in love": being nourished from the roots on up, and working out ways to incorporate self-care into my daily routine, not to let everyone else's needs and opinions take priority over my own.  

The best thing is ... that lovingly working on my behalf, I have the best gardener EVER.

Breathe. Unclench.

Yesterday, as a result of some things I mentioned in my previous post, and after a discussion with a trusted colleague who suggested what to do next, I made an appointment with someone at work who potentially had the power to help me, and I let this woman know my concerns, and asked some questions, and ... yes.  Yes, I cried.  

She was wonderful.  In the course of our one-hour conversation, she allayed many of my fears, corrected some false perceptions I had regarding the individual I believed was targeting me, and gave me the freedom I needed to concentrate on looking after myself for the next couple of months.  

Most of all, she assured me that I was a valued member of the team, that my work was extremely good, and that she and the leadership team had a lot of confidence in my abilities not only in my job but also as a potential leader myself. She stressed that now it was time to take care of Judy.  (Fresh wave of tears...) She and I worked out a plan to do just that, to take the pressure off as much as possible and still allow me to do my job - just a different facet of it for a while. She authorized the use of a particular type of leave that usually requires a week's notice... so for today and tomorrow I don't have to go to work.  When I return on Monday, I will know what is waiting for me on my desk and I won't need to be afraid or concerned that someone is going to be "in my face" with anything.  

The ball of lead in my stomach has lightened ... somewhat.  At first, it was hard to believe that the cause of the stress was gone, just like that, I'd been carrying it for so long. Even now, I have to remind myself to 'breathe' and 'unclench.'  It takes a while for the body to let go, apparently.  But last night, for the first time in weeks, I took the first deep breath that wasn't a brace-yourself-for-what's-coming kind of thing.  And it felt so unusual that I did it again, just to feel that oh-so-that's-what-relaxing-feels-like sensation. 

Breathe.  Unclench.  Let go, let God.  

The tension is draining slowly away... there are still health issues that I need to look after, but in large part, my life-balance is returning to normal.  Who knows? in a few months, I might look back and think that this might have been the best thing to have happened.  

That's usually the way of it.

Back to the basics

In the last few months I've been noticing some increasingly alarming things happening in my thought life, in my attitudes and in my physical health.

However, I didn't notice the thought life or the attitudes until my physical symptoms started to show up in a big way.  Incredible fatigue, crushing depression, a dread of being with people, especially people at work or church, headaches, joint aches, knots in my stomach when I thought of certain places or people, even my hair and nails drying out.  

It started about six months ago or so, after I was unjustly treated by someone at work. It was a difficult experience.  I felt attacked; I felt bullied. And I eventually confronted the person and we talked it through - and I thought it was resolved.  

About two months ago, though, there were some changes at work that put one more step into the process of what I do.  That step involved the involvement of this same individual. It wasn't long before the same thing started happening that happened last time, only more intensely. It was then that I realized that I hadn't been imagining the personal nature of the attack from the last time; it was real.  And with that realization, it dawned on me that it would keep on happening, over and over with no end in sight. Now, I'm not naïve enough to believe that everyone will like me all the time. However, I do have the right to expect to be treated like a professional.  This is not how I am being treated by this person. Whether real or perceived, this not-being-in-a-safe-place ... can be a cause of a mental illness known as "Adjustment Disorder."

So more and more I started to dread going to work. My confidence in my own abilities was suffering. I felt like I had to compromise my own values to conform to what this person wanted from me.  This I was not prepared to do - yet that old me was still there, wanting to be approved of, needing to not make anybody mad.  

Sick days, even planned holidays became refuges from the mounting stress. On weekends and days off, I'd nap at least two hours during that day, too tired to think or move.  Everything was an effort. My productivity went down at work and at home.  Way down.  I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing.  My memory started to lapse; I'd forget why I was on my way to a particular spot and have to go back to my seat to try to recall what I was thinking before I stood up. And I was so tired all the time.  At work I would catch myself staring into space, in that zoned-out pre-sleep state just before nodding off. It scared me.

One day last week, while researching hypothyroidism (symptoms, causes, treatment) for my work, I read about the most common symptoms and discovered with a start that I had most of them.  So I booked a trip to the doctor, and had my blood tested.  The results came back "normal" today.  Warned by a co-worker that this might not tell the whole story, I decided to pursue this avenue until I was sure I could rule out the possibility of a lower-threshold version of the same thing.  At the same time, I booked an appointment to talk to my counselor and see if there might be something else that is the matter.  

This evening, while visiting a good friend, I was reminded to not give up and also to remember to look after myself first, even if I have to hound my doctor to stay on the case, and even if it means another blood test (yuck) to check for a higher percentage of white blood cells (which would indicate the possibility of leukocytic thyroiditis - which happens when the white blood cells attack the thyroid gland and cause it to slow down the production of thyroxin, a hormone that regulates growth and metabolism).  

Just the basics of self-care - it felt like such a long time since I had done what I needed to do to look after me.  What a tremendous gift.

And this is where I sit now, even as I have dozed off for the fifth time tonight, in gratitude for the reminder that yes, I am worth looking after and that it had better be sooner than later.  A call to my doctor to discuss the test results might prove fruitful especially if he agrees to send me a copy of them.  Whether it turns out to be hypothyroidism or not, I have a difficult conversation I need to prepare myself for - with much prayer - so that I can further reduce my stress and be able to get the rest and peace that I need.  

And I will keep reminding myself of a few important but very basic things which are all too easy to forget when fighting an uphill battle: 
This too shall pass.  
Let Go and Let God.  
And First Things First.