In the last few months I've been noticing some increasingly alarming things happening in my thought life, in my attitudes and in my physical health.
However, I didn't notice the thought life or the attitudes until my physical symptoms started to show up in a big way. Incredible fatigue, crushing depression, a dread of being with people, especially people at work or church, headaches, joint aches, knots in my stomach when I thought of certain places or people, even my hair and nails drying out.
It started about six months ago or so, after I was unjustly treated by someone at work. It was a difficult experience. I felt attacked; I felt bullied. And I eventually confronted the person and we talked it through - and I thought it was resolved.
About two months ago, though, there were some changes at work that put one more step into the process of what I do. That step involved the involvement of this same individual. It wasn't long before the same thing started happening that happened last time, only more intensely. It was then that I realized that I hadn't been imagining the personal nature of the attack from the last time; it was real. And with that realization, it dawned on me that it would keep on happening, over and over with no end in sight. Now, I'm not naïve enough to believe that everyone will like me all the time. However, I do have the right to expect to be treated like a professional. This is not how I am being treated by this person. Whether real or perceived, this not-being-in-a-safe-place ... can be a cause of a mental illness known as "Adjustment Disorder."
So more and more I started to dread going to work. My confidence in my own abilities was suffering. I felt like I had to compromise my own values to conform to what this person wanted from me. This I was not prepared to do - yet that old me was still there, wanting to be approved of, needing to not make anybody mad.
Sick days, even planned holidays became refuges from the mounting stress. On weekends and days off, I'd nap at least two hours during that day, too tired to think or move. Everything was an effort. My productivity went down at work and at home. Way down. I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. My memory started to lapse; I'd forget why I was on my way to a particular spot and have to go back to my seat to try to recall what I was thinking before I stood up. And I was so tired all the time. At work I would catch myself staring into space, in that zoned-out pre-sleep state just before nodding off. It scared me.
One day last week, while researching hypothyroidism (symptoms, causes, treatment) for my work, I read about the most common symptoms and discovered with a start that I had most of them. So I booked a trip to the doctor, and had my blood tested. The results came back "normal" today. Warned by a co-worker that this might not tell the whole story, I decided to pursue this avenue until I was sure I could rule out the possibility of a lower-threshold version of the same thing. At the same time, I booked an appointment to talk to my counselor and see if there might be something else that is the matter.
This evening, while visiting a good friend, I was reminded to not give up and also to remember to look after myself first, even if I have to hound my doctor to stay on the case, and even if it means another blood test (yuck) to check for a higher percentage of white blood cells (which would indicate the possibility of leukocytic thyroiditis - which happens when the white blood cells attack the thyroid gland and cause it to slow down the production of thyroxin, a hormone that regulates growth and metabolism).
Just the basics of self-care - it felt like such a long time since I had done what I needed to do to look after me. What a tremendous gift.
And this is where I sit now, even as I have dozed off for the fifth time tonight, in gratitude for the reminder that yes, I am worth looking after and that it had better be sooner than later. A call to my doctor to discuss the test results might prove fruitful especially if he agrees to send me a copy of them. Whether it turns out to be hypothyroidism or not, I have a difficult conversation I need to prepare myself for - with much prayer - so that I can further reduce my stress and be able to get the rest and peace that I need.
And I will keep reminding myself of a few important but very basic things which are all too easy to forget when fighting an uphill battle:
This too shall pass.
Let Go and Let God.
And First Things First.
However, I didn't notice the thought life or the attitudes until my physical symptoms started to show up in a big way. Incredible fatigue, crushing depression, a dread of being with people, especially people at work or church, headaches, joint aches, knots in my stomach when I thought of certain places or people, even my hair and nails drying out.
It started about six months ago or so, after I was unjustly treated by someone at work. It was a difficult experience. I felt attacked; I felt bullied. And I eventually confronted the person and we talked it through - and I thought it was resolved.
About two months ago, though, there were some changes at work that put one more step into the process of what I do. That step involved the involvement of this same individual. It wasn't long before the same thing started happening that happened last time, only more intensely. It was then that I realized that I hadn't been imagining the personal nature of the attack from the last time; it was real. And with that realization, it dawned on me that it would keep on happening, over and over with no end in sight. Now, I'm not naïve enough to believe that everyone will like me all the time. However, I do have the right to expect to be treated like a professional. This is not how I am being treated by this person. Whether real or perceived, this not-being-in-a-safe-place ... can be a cause of a mental illness known as "Adjustment Disorder."
Sick days, even planned holidays became refuges from the mounting stress. On weekends and days off, I'd nap at least two hours during that day, too tired to think or move. Everything was an effort. My productivity went down at work and at home. Way down. I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. My memory started to lapse; I'd forget why I was on my way to a particular spot and have to go back to my seat to try to recall what I was thinking before I stood up. And I was so tired all the time. At work I would catch myself staring into space, in that zoned-out pre-sleep state just before nodding off. It scared me.
One day last week, while researching hypothyroidism (symptoms, causes, treatment) for my work, I read about the most common symptoms and discovered with a start that I had most of them. So I booked a trip to the doctor, and had my blood tested. The results came back "normal" today. Warned by a co-worker that this might not tell the whole story, I decided to pursue this avenue until I was sure I could rule out the possibility of a lower-threshold version of the same thing. At the same time, I booked an appointment to talk to my counselor and see if there might be something else that is the matter.
This evening, while visiting a good friend, I was reminded to not give up and also to remember to look after myself first, even if I have to hound my doctor to stay on the case, and even if it means another blood test (yuck) to check for a higher percentage of white blood cells (which would indicate the possibility of leukocytic thyroiditis - which happens when the white blood cells attack the thyroid gland and cause it to slow down the production of thyroxin, a hormone that regulates growth and metabolism).
Just the basics of self-care - it felt like such a long time since I had done what I needed to do to look after me. What a tremendous gift.
And this is where I sit now, even as I have dozed off for the fifth time tonight, in gratitude for the reminder that yes, I am worth looking after and that it had better be sooner than later. A call to my doctor to discuss the test results might prove fruitful especially if he agrees to send me a copy of them. Whether it turns out to be hypothyroidism or not, I have a difficult conversation I need to prepare myself for - with much prayer - so that I can further reduce my stress and be able to get the rest and peace that I need.
And I will keep reminding myself of a few important but very basic things which are all too easy to forget when fighting an uphill battle:
This too shall pass.
Let Go and Let God.
And First Things First.
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