Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Up in the air

It's been an interesting couple of days.  An opportunity arose a week ago, right in the middle of my interpersonal saga at the office (see previous posts).  This opportunity allowed me to apply for a temporary "acting" position for the summer months. 

I spent all weekend working on my application, making sure all my T's were crossed and my I's dotted.  And yesterday, I sent in my application; with no exaggeration, I must have read it through, edited it, added to it, and compared it against what was required three dozen times in the space of those six days.  I contacted people for references, and alerted them they might get a call before the end of the week.  

Here's where I found this photo

Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work, I heard the still small voice of God probing my consciousness about this process.  "So.  How do you feel about all this?  How would you feel if you got the position?"  

I checked inside.  "Scared.  Excited of course, but scared... I guess that's kind of a good thing..." 

I could feel Him smiling. "And?  how would you feel if you DIDN'T get it?" 

This one kind of surprised me.  But I searched my feelings and discovered that although I'd be disappointed not to win, it wouldn't be devastating for me - and I wouldn't resent or be jealous of whoever DID get it. My response told me once more that I had grown in the last three years. 

When I got to work, I got the last of my "ducks" lined up, put a few tweaks into the application, read it through five or six more times and breathed a prayer.  "Your will, God.  Your will."  And I sent the application.

There have been times - many times - when there has been a huge question mark about something I wanted or something that might or might not happen.  In the past, I would stress and worry, and not let it go until I knew the answer. I'd not sleep, and I'd fret and stew about it, and eye suspiciously anyone whom I might see as my "competition."

But with this - and I hope this is the beginning of a new normal - the fact that the answer is (so to speak) "up in the air" doesn't make me lose any sleep. I'm perfectly fine with whatever happens.  

Go figure.

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