When my youngest daughter was about 8 or 10 years old, we would eat out a lot at family restaurants which had children's menus and paper place-mats with activities for the children to do on the back. They'd give us a few crayons and the kids were occupied for the 20 minutes that it took for the food to arrive. It was great.
One of the activities on most of those place-mats was the maze. Usually a circle, sometimes a square, it would have a mouse on the outside and a piece of cheese on the inside, or a bear looking for the honey pot, you get the idea.
Everyone I had ever seen try to navigate a maze puzzle started from the outside. Except her. She started from the inside where the 'prize' was - and worked her way out. Usually she did it in far less time than we could have by doing it from the outside in. I asked her once about why she did it from the inside out. "It's easier that way," she said. "There aren't as many paths to choose on the inside, so I start with the easy part and work my way out to the outside. If I do that, the way looks easier for me to get back to the start."
There's a lesson in there. Look after the inside first.
I've been thinking a lot lately about self-care. The last couple of weeks, I've really been concentrating on looking after myself, on setting boundaries and taking responsibility for my part. For someone who used to run from confrontation and other unpleasant things, this is never easy. I cringe every time I do it. It seems so daunting to just tell someone what I need if the possibility exists that I might be seen in a bad light. I want so much for people to approve of me that I will take an unacceptable situation far too long and make false assumptions about the people involved. This was what was happening to me the last little while. I had myself convinced that someone was out to get me, when in fact the person was just trying to do a job and meet deadlines, that's it.
But I had myself worked up into quite a state - four weeks ago I was walking around my workplace like a zombie, on the verge of tears the whole time. I was sleeping about three hours a night, feeling so very weary, dragging myself around, sometimes feeling so sick that I would call in - wanting to sleep but often not being able to catch a nap. The anxiety and depression were nearly overwhelming.
That it took me as long as it did to reach out for help is something for which I take full responsibility. I should have talked to someone sooner about how I was feeling. Since that time, though, while following a program of self-care (looking after the inside first) I've been able to gain some perspective and a more balanced view of the situation I was in. So this past Thursday, I made an appointment to see this person and talk. The individual listened, accepted what I said at face value, offered a few words of guidance, clarified a misconception I had, and supported me in whatever I needed to do in order to get back on my feet.
It amazed me. I'd been so afraid to approach this person and suddenly, within 30 minutes it was over - and the tension was nearly gone. Just like that.
And in that same time frame, other things happened over which this person would have absolutely no control... things that spoke to me and reminded me of the bigger picture, trust expressed by people I respected, fondness by someone I trust. It almost felt to me like as soon as I took steps to look after myself and ask for what I wanted and needed, everything else seemed to fall into place - and not just at work. Other areas started to click too - the depression began to lift about a week ago and the anxiety settled down... practicing my "breathe, unclench" exercise really helped too. And then my confidence started to trickle back in ... culminating with the conversation Thursday.
When I look back to the avoiding, frightened person I was as little as three and a half years ago, I am convinced that I would have been checking the job opportunities every day to get out of the situation without risking confrontation - anything but that! And it's STILL hard for me to do it - after a lifetime of running away, or being a chameleon and resenting having to change who I am to blend in - it's still a relatively new behavior for me. That I turn instead and face my fears at all now, never ceases to surprise me - and I'm always just that surprised and amazed when I do. (Like, who IS this person? can I get to know her?)
My fear of people is getting less and less, gradually. It IS taking less and less time to get to that place of looking after the inside first, working through the maze of relationships and boundaries, standing my ground, and asking for what I need. Someday I'll learn to do it right away; someday I'll get to know that person inside and let her shine through first, instead of as a last resort.
That's when I'll really be a"mazed".
One of the activities on most of those place-mats was the maze. Usually a circle, sometimes a square, it would have a mouse on the outside and a piece of cheese on the inside, or a bear looking for the honey pot, you get the idea.
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| This is the link for this puzzle. |
There's a lesson in there. Look after the inside first.
I've been thinking a lot lately about self-care. The last couple of weeks, I've really been concentrating on looking after myself, on setting boundaries and taking responsibility for my part. For someone who used to run from confrontation and other unpleasant things, this is never easy. I cringe every time I do it. It seems so daunting to just tell someone what I need if the possibility exists that I might be seen in a bad light. I want so much for people to approve of me that I will take an unacceptable situation far too long and make false assumptions about the people involved. This was what was happening to me the last little while. I had myself convinced that someone was out to get me, when in fact the person was just trying to do a job and meet deadlines, that's it.
But I had myself worked up into quite a state - four weeks ago I was walking around my workplace like a zombie, on the verge of tears the whole time. I was sleeping about three hours a night, feeling so very weary, dragging myself around, sometimes feeling so sick that I would call in - wanting to sleep but often not being able to catch a nap. The anxiety and depression were nearly overwhelming.
That it took me as long as it did to reach out for help is something for which I take full responsibility. I should have talked to someone sooner about how I was feeling. Since that time, though, while following a program of self-care (looking after the inside first) I've been able to gain some perspective and a more balanced view of the situation I was in. So this past Thursday, I made an appointment to see this person and talk. The individual listened, accepted what I said at face value, offered a few words of guidance, clarified a misconception I had, and supported me in whatever I needed to do in order to get back on my feet.
It amazed me. I'd been so afraid to approach this person and suddenly, within 30 minutes it was over - and the tension was nearly gone. Just like that.
And in that same time frame, other things happened over which this person would have absolutely no control... things that spoke to me and reminded me of the bigger picture, trust expressed by people I respected, fondness by someone I trust. It almost felt to me like as soon as I took steps to look after myself and ask for what I wanted and needed, everything else seemed to fall into place - and not just at work. Other areas started to click too - the depression began to lift about a week ago and the anxiety settled down... practicing my "breathe, unclench" exercise really helped too. And then my confidence started to trickle back in ... culminating with the conversation Thursday.
When I look back to the avoiding, frightened person I was as little as three and a half years ago, I am convinced that I would have been checking the job opportunities every day to get out of the situation without risking confrontation - anything but that! And it's STILL hard for me to do it - after a lifetime of running away, or being a chameleon and resenting having to change who I am to blend in - it's still a relatively new behavior for me. That I turn instead and face my fears at all now, never ceases to surprise me - and I'm always just that surprised and amazed when I do. (Like, who IS this person? can I get to know her?)
My fear of people is getting less and less, gradually. It IS taking less and less time to get to that place of looking after the inside first, working through the maze of relationships and boundaries, standing my ground, and asking for what I need. Someday I'll learn to do it right away; someday I'll get to know that person inside and let her shine through first, instead of as a last resort.
That's when I'll really be a"mazed".
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