Taking Shape

I think that using some of my saved-up vacation this month has been a godsend as I make the transition into my final year of my Masters degree in counselling. This is the "practicum year" and for me, launching out on this exciting but intense and potentially draining endeavour (because it IS so new) has meant that I have needed to devote more time to self-care in all things. 

Something as little as not opting to sign up for cable has had far-reaching results in my life. As most of you know, I had to move to a different province and leave my family behind while I do my practicum, and so, with a lower salary

Photo "Woman Relaxing With Her
Eyes Closed" is photostock, courtesy
of
www.freedigitalphotos.net

and increased expenses (rent AND mortgage, plus all the other expenses involved in living alone), I have had to make certain sacrifices and cable was one of them.  Yet, I can see that I now have more time to devote to feeding my spirit with positive, encouraging music in the mornings, and I have found that I have been dividing the extra time from being on vacation (AND not watching television) between spending a little extra time at my practicum site, and putting on the finishing touches to my apartment, while slowly ridding myself of the piles and piles of boxes, bags and Styrofoam inserts that have been cluttering my apartment's office all summer long (from the move). 

Today, I finally got my Internet up and running, since I will need that for school, for my practicum homework, and for my work (when I eventually start back at it again near the end of September). I had had a call into tech support and they had asked for a service call - but by the time the guy got here, I had figured out that the phone jack I was plugging the modem into was defective somehow, and relocated the modem to a room with a working jack in it.  When the guy got here, he told me that the first jack not a real phone jack at all, but a connector for sharing screens on two different televisions, which the previous tenants had set up. It was a small victory for me to solve my own problem rather than waiting for some white knight to come charging in.

And between running errands at the stores, rearranging my kitchen supplies, putting up wall decorations, and taking the extra trash out the last couple of days, I noticed today that I am not taking the stairs so slowly ... unless I have a super heavy load to carry. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless. (No pun intended).

I am also eating more sensibly. All I had to do when I was living with my family was just mention some whim I had for this or that sweet or salty treat, and it magically appeared within a day or so. Now, I have to buy everything myself, and not only that, actually make the trip to do that. In a strange city, I find I hesitate before going out, especially in the early evening. This evening, I took off to go to the Wal-Mart - but I got lost and ended up about six exits away from where I needed to be. Out came Siri (my i-Phone's GPS), and after I convinced her I wasn't going to the town of New Brunswick in New Jersey (haha) she got me to the Wal-Mart. And she got me back home again - in the dark - so if I am learning anything, it is to recognize when I am out of my league and ask for help. This too is a positive thing.  Of course the main reason I went was for a certain item - and I completely forgot it - but at least I got there and back! 

All in all, everything is taking shape - from the apartment, to my practicum, to my activity level, to my eating, to my self-care. I am tired at the end of a day, but it is a good kind of tired. I find myself looking forward to my practicum days - even though they are intense and action-packed - wondering what I will get to do that day. It is hard, and wonderful, and nerve-wracking, and exciting, and stressful, and I am reaching the end of each day knowing that, as my supervisor puts it, (1) nobody got hurt today, (2) nobody wanted to hurt themselves today, and (3) nobody wanted to hurt anyone else today. 

Yes, things are taking shape. And so am I, from the inside out.

As good as a rest

They say a change is as good as a rest.

Of course they (whoever "they" are) mean that a change that is more or less positive does as much good as taking a rest from something that is more or less negative. But they don't come out and say it. (Just saying.)

That being said, I've had the opportunity to give that saying a bit of a whirl - and I've just started 'whirling' this week.  I was offered the opportunity to take on a new role at my work for a while.  For how long, I am not sure, but it will be for at least six weeks and could be as long as four months! It involves more responsibility, using skills I haven't used regularly in a long time, and includes learning new skills and knowledge I never had before, and using them 'on the fly.' I spend a lot more time with my electronic calendar than I ever did, and I am so grateful that it is there as a tool for me to use.  A lot of things would fall off the plate without my electronic to-do lists and appointment reminders. (Whew!)

Photo "Daily Planner With Pen" by
BrandonSigma at
www.freedigitalphotos.net

I just finished a week in my new role. Wow. I'm not exactly sure about what the saying says, because it really feels like I've been thrown into the deep end of the pool - and I don't swim. I know that it feels like I have more energy at the end of the work day. However, the down side of this is that it takes me longer to decompress from it before I can attend to my school work.

Having said this, throughout this week I have noticed a few encouraging things about myself.

First, I survived.  Nobody yelled in anger at me.  And I even got some encouraging feedback from more than one person.

Second, I am spending more time up and about.  I am way more active in this new line of work: away from my desk and walking back and forth to talk to this and that person, and bring files to this and that person, I sometimes feel as though I could wear a pedometer and count my job toward my exercise count for the day. That is totally different!

Third, I made mistakes.  I knew I would, and I decided ahead of time that I would adopt a teachable attitude and learn as much as possible ... and if that meant learning from my mistakes, then so be it.   And it has.  And I did. And I'm still in the process of learning - and I don't expect that I will ever stop learning. (I think that is a good sign. It means I'm alive, as my husband says.)  I used to be so afraid of failing. But I've come to understand that failing and making mistakes are two different things.

And making mistakes in procedure and protocol - like I did this week - wasn't the end of the world.  I have a wonderful manager who has taken it upon herself to teach me the ropes of my new role, and today she sat with me and went over some of the duties I had tried to do without direction, and provided that direction. Then she walked me through one of the major tasks in the job, showed me where to find what I needed to do it, told me why it was important to do it that way, and much more.  She corrected me when I told her about something that I had done that was against protocol, and she told me why it was not advisable.  At no time did she ever get angry or scold me. At no time did I ever feel as though she was NOT on my side. In fact, I got the impression that she wanted me to succeed. That was worth a LOT to me. 

Finally, as a result of that meeting today, I think I rounded a corner in understanding how it all fits together and how my cog fits into the machine.  I might still make mistakes (and probably will) but I know that I have good support people, good teachers, and good leaders. I couldn't put a price on that. Slowly it's dawning on me, as I go through this learning curve, that my confidence level is increasing even as I admit how much I have left to learn (and maybe because of it!)  That "beginner's mind" that our counselling class discussed during this past July's Summer Institute has indeed come to my aid.  

I saw this neat Maya Angelou quote that sums it up:  "Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better."  Cool huh? 

Maybe this change - which involves flying high and getting more of a bird's eye view of my work section - is just the rest I needed from the sameness of 'in-the-trenches' work that I was doing before.  I can still do that work (when I have time, and I've been encouraged to do that as well) but I think I can help more people doing what I am doing now. 

That feels good.  It really does.

A"mazed"

When my youngest daughter was about 8 or 10 years old, we would eat out a lot at family restaurants which had children's menus and paper place-mats with activities for the children to do on the back. They'd give us a few crayons and the kids were occupied for the 20 minutes that it took for the food to arrive. It was great.

One of the activities on most of those place-mats was the maze.  Usually a circle, sometimes a square, it would have a mouse on the outside and a piece of cheese on the inside, or a bear looking for the honey pot, you get the idea.

This is the link for this puzzle.

Everyone I had ever seen try to navigate a maze puzzle started from the outside.  Except her.  She started from the inside where the 'prize' was - and worked her way out.  Usually she did it in far less time than we could have by doing it from the outside in.  I asked her once about why she did it from the inside out.  "It's easier that way," she said. "There aren't as many paths to choose on the inside, so I start with the easy part and work my way out to the outside. If I do that, the way looks easier for me to get back to the start."

There's a lesson in there.  Look after the inside first.

I've been thinking a lot lately about self-care.  The last couple of weeks, I've really been concentrating on looking after myself, on setting boundaries and taking responsibility for my part.  For someone who used to run from confrontation and other unpleasant things, this is never easy.  I cringe every time I do it.  It seems so daunting to just tell someone what I need if the possibility exists that I might be seen in a bad light.  I want so much for people to approve of me that I will take an unacceptable situation far too long and make false assumptions about the people involved.  This was what was happening to me the last little while.  I had myself convinced that someone was out to get me, when in fact the person was just trying to do a job and meet deadlines, that's it.  

But I had myself worked up into quite a state - four weeks ago I was walking around my workplace like a zombie, on the verge of tears the whole time. I was sleeping about three hours a night, feeling so very weary, dragging myself around, sometimes feeling so sick that I would call in - wanting to sleep but often not being able to catch a nap. The anxiety and depression were nearly overwhelming. 

That it took me as long as it did to reach out for help is something for which I take full responsibility.  I should have talked to someone sooner about how I was feeling.  Since that time, though, while following a program of self-care (looking after the inside first) I've been able to gain some perspective and a more balanced view of the situation I was in.  So this past Thursday, I made an appointment to see this person and talk. The individual listened, accepted what I said at face value, offered a few words of guidance, clarified a misconception I had, and supported me in whatever I needed to do in order to get back on my feet. 

It amazed me.  I'd been so afraid to approach this person and suddenly, within 30 minutes it was over - and the tension was nearly gone. Just like that.

And in that same time frame, other things happened over which this person would have absolutely no control... things that spoke to me and reminded me of the bigger picture, trust expressed by people I respected, fondness by someone I trust.  It almost felt to me like as soon as I took steps to look after myself and ask for what I wanted and needed, everything else seemed to fall into place - and not just at work.  Other areas started to click too - the depression began to lift about a week ago and the anxiety settled down... practicing my "breathe, unclench" exercise really helped too.  And then my confidence started to trickle back in ... culminating with the conversation Thursday.  

When I look back to the avoiding, frightened person I was as little as three and a half years ago, I am convinced that I would have been checking the job opportunities every day to get out of the situation without risking confrontation - anything but that! And it's STILL hard for me to do it - after a lifetime of running away, or being a chameleon and resenting having to change who I am to blend in - it's still a relatively new behavior for me.  That I turn instead and face my fears at all now, never ceases to surprise me - and I'm always just that surprised and amazed when I do.  (Like, who IS this person? can I get to know her?)  

My fear of people is getting less and less, gradually.  It IS taking less and less time to get to that place of looking after the inside first, working through the maze of relationships and boundaries, standing my ground, and asking for what I need.  Someday I'll learn to do it right away; someday I'll get to know that person inside and let her shine through first, instead of as a last resort.

That's when I'll really be a"mazed".

On the Cusp

In a discussion with my hubby last night, I told him that I felt like I was at the beginning of a new phase in my life.  I outlined some of the things I mentioned two posts ago - how there are changes happening in my life and I'm not really sure where they will take me.  

I feel as though I am on the cusp of a transformation.  

It's exciting. It's uncomfortable.  It's terrifying.

I like the word "cusp" to describe this feeling because it means "sharp point" - and carries with it the idea of (1) not being able to go back, (2) not being able to see what's next, (3) not being able to stay still (since it's sharp, it's not all that comfortable a place to stay), and (4) requiring a great deal of faith to take the next step into what appears like nothingness.  
 

Photo taken from this website:
http://andrewsidea.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/
indiana-jones-and-the-last-crusade-new-testament-imagery/

Like Indiana Jones did in The Last Crusade.  The defining moment in the film for me is when Indy (having passed two of the three challenges) takes off his hat, clutches it over his heart, takes a deep breath, puts his foot out in mid-air, and takes a step out into what appears to be a deep chasm.  

Talk about a leap of faith.  All Indy had to go on was a dusty old book with some cryptic instructions as to how to safely reach the room in which the Grail was kept.  "Only in the leap from the lion's head will he prove his worth."  

It's hard to escape the symbolism - but I won't go there today ... ;)

It is a scary and somewhat heady feeling, being on the cusp of so many new things all at once; I've noticed that at least in my life, this is what God does.  He lays groundwork for months, sometimes decades.  Then, as He gets closer to putting it all together, there's a feeling of anticipation, of uncertainty.  One step of faith at the right time, and then bang-bang-bang - all of a sudden I'm facing in a totally different direction than the one I thought I'd be facing ... and marveling at how He has caused things to fall into place.  Well, I am pretty sure that very soon, things are going to be at the leap of faith juncture.  I can feel the anticipation, the hesitation, the sense of not knowing how it will all turn out. Before, that feeling would drive me NUTS because I had to have things planned out 5 years in advance - and the "not knowing" (lack of security) was quite maddening.  In the last couple of years though, by means of this process of healing that I've been going through, my faith factor has increased.  As I trust God more, I find I'm better able to let go of my need to control the outcome - even if I AM scared.

I guess I don't need to know what's ahead anymore.  But I'm sure glad He does.

The Rear View

There are a few schools of thought about the past. One school of thought says, "Let's get back to the good old days!" The other says, "Let's forget the past and move forward! It's in the past, we shouldn't give it another thought!"

I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. While living in the past and yearning for the way things used to be is tempting and can even sometimes inspire, it limits us from envisioning what the future can hold to what the past has already been. And while the future is still before us, unwritten, many of the past's unpleasant pages might be repeated if we don't remember it and learn its lessons. The past, even the awful parts, can be a truly powerful thing if we determine not to repeat our mistakes and to use our own journeys out of the darkness of the past to help those who are still in their dark place....right now.

There's a quote from a very old book that I like to remind myself of, frequently. It's phrased like a promise, or a series of promises, made to those who follow a lifestyle of rigorous honesty before God, within ourselves, and in front of others - and of healing from past hurts, forgiveness of resentments, and making restitution for past wrongs wherever possible. "We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word 'Serenity.' We will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. Those feelings of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things, and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves." (The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

I liken the past to what's in the rear view mirror. Some folks don't use their rear view (they ignore their pasts). And it's true that the windshield (the present and the immediate future) is much larger, intended to be used much more than the rear view mirror. Figuratively as well. But if a person doesn't know that something is creeping up behind him or her by using the mirror and either speeding up or pulling over, there could be a nasty rear-end accident, which could have been avoided with a glance every so often backward in the rear view to see what's going on where he or she came from. So with us in our spiritual lives. Once in a while it's good to remember where we've been, if only to encourage ourselves as to how far we've come and to Whom we need to be grateful - because we couldn't have gotten this far without His great love, guidance, and patience with us. And we can also be encouraged from His faithfulness in the past, that He will never give up on us. Never.

That's worth a look back once in a while.