As good as a rest

They say a change is as good as a rest.

Of course they (whoever "they" are) mean that a change that is more or less positive does as much good as taking a rest from something that is more or less negative. But they don't come out and say it. (Just saying.)

That being said, I've had the opportunity to give that saying a bit of a whirl - and I've just started 'whirling' this week.  I was offered the opportunity to take on a new role at my work for a while.  For how long, I am not sure, but it will be for at least six weeks and could be as long as four months! It involves more responsibility, using skills I haven't used regularly in a long time, and includes learning new skills and knowledge I never had before, and using them 'on the fly.' I spend a lot more time with my electronic calendar than I ever did, and I am so grateful that it is there as a tool for me to use.  A lot of things would fall off the plate without my electronic to-do lists and appointment reminders. (Whew!)

Photo "Daily Planner With Pen" by
BrandonSigma at
www.freedigitalphotos.net

I just finished a week in my new role. Wow. I'm not exactly sure about what the saying says, because it really feels like I've been thrown into the deep end of the pool - and I don't swim. I know that it feels like I have more energy at the end of the work day. However, the down side of this is that it takes me longer to decompress from it before I can attend to my school work.

Having said this, throughout this week I have noticed a few encouraging things about myself.

First, I survived.  Nobody yelled in anger at me.  And I even got some encouraging feedback from more than one person.

Second, I am spending more time up and about.  I am way more active in this new line of work: away from my desk and walking back and forth to talk to this and that person, and bring files to this and that person, I sometimes feel as though I could wear a pedometer and count my job toward my exercise count for the day. That is totally different!

Third, I made mistakes.  I knew I would, and I decided ahead of time that I would adopt a teachable attitude and learn as much as possible ... and if that meant learning from my mistakes, then so be it.   And it has.  And I did. And I'm still in the process of learning - and I don't expect that I will ever stop learning. (I think that is a good sign. It means I'm alive, as my husband says.)  I used to be so afraid of failing. But I've come to understand that failing and making mistakes are two different things.

And making mistakes in procedure and protocol - like I did this week - wasn't the end of the world.  I have a wonderful manager who has taken it upon herself to teach me the ropes of my new role, and today she sat with me and went over some of the duties I had tried to do without direction, and provided that direction. Then she walked me through one of the major tasks in the job, showed me where to find what I needed to do it, told me why it was important to do it that way, and much more.  She corrected me when I told her about something that I had done that was against protocol, and she told me why it was not advisable.  At no time did she ever get angry or scold me. At no time did I ever feel as though she was NOT on my side. In fact, I got the impression that she wanted me to succeed. That was worth a LOT to me. 

Finally, as a result of that meeting today, I think I rounded a corner in understanding how it all fits together and how my cog fits into the machine.  I might still make mistakes (and probably will) but I know that I have good support people, good teachers, and good leaders. I couldn't put a price on that. Slowly it's dawning on me, as I go through this learning curve, that my confidence level is increasing even as I admit how much I have left to learn (and maybe because of it!)  That "beginner's mind" that our counselling class discussed during this past July's Summer Institute has indeed come to my aid.  

I saw this neat Maya Angelou quote that sums it up:  "Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better."  Cool huh? 

Maybe this change - which involves flying high and getting more of a bird's eye view of my work section - is just the rest I needed from the sameness of 'in-the-trenches' work that I was doing before.  I can still do that work (when I have time, and I've been encouraged to do that as well) but I think I can help more people doing what I am doing now. 

That feels good.  It really does.

Taking Care

The last part of the equation to which I referred yesterday (relationships with God, myself, and others) is the "others" part.  

I spent a lot of time in my life looking after other people to my own detriment.  I didn't know what healthy relationships looked like because I never had any to compare with ... and I certainly didn't have a relationship with myself...that would be so selfish ... right?  

Wrong.  

What I discovered is that it is out of abundance, out of a fulness within, that I could then turn and help other people - knowing where to stop and let them bear the consequences of their own actions - without ending up resenting them for robbing time away from me.  It was not without a great deal of trial and error - mostly error - that I came to understand this.  Burnout happens very quickly when the tank is dry.

I found this photo in a great article on burnout:
http://www.stewardshipoflife.org/2010/11/
burnout-a-cry-sis-of-the-spirit/

Everyone needs their tank filled.  It works best when it's filled continually: when the tap is left on! 

Sadly, though, society and even the church tends to focus on the opposite.  We want the end result of helping others but we forget that in order to help someone, we first have to be healthy and loved.  In a consistent atmosphere of being drained, put-upon, and under-appreciated, many people are giving up, walking away from things - or people - they once held dear.  We give too much too soon.  We are encouraged to get out there and DO without realizing or being told that in order to DO we first have to BE - to know who we are and to be comfortable in our own skin, to be able to trust that others will come to their own place of health and wholeness - usually without our help.  

I like what St. Francis of Assisi said - "Preach the gospel at all times.  If necessary, use words."  He meant that living abundantly precedes everything else - the natural outflow of such a life is an attractive example in case someone wants to emulate it!  I can't count the number of times that I've been able to help people in the last year or so after first having my own emotional and relational tank filled.  

If it is true that "hurting people hurt people,"  it is also true that "cared-for people care for people."

Nothing for Something

Today at work I received an email (as did everyone else) regarding a fundraising event that is being held for a good cause.  The event coordinators are saying that for every donation to this cause, an entry will be made to win a prize.  My first thought was something like, "What?  do you have to take the internal reward of doing something nice for someone away from people by making them think they might be getting something material for their generosity?"

It's true, everybody seems to want something for nothing, and nobody wants nothing for something anymore.

The idea that a person might want to be altruistic (generous and giving without expectation of reward or thanks) is nearly unthinkable in today's society.  

Think about it.  I've even seen people applaud children who volunteer to pray aloud or sing in church.  Huh??  If we teach them that we only do something of a spiritual nature if we are rewarded, isn't that setting up an automatic "fail" when the kids grow up and are no longer "cute" when they do something we only expect adults to do?  


I've always been the kind of person that is uncomfortable with applause, especially in the church.  I believe that if I'm doing something to show my love for God, why should someone else tell me I'm doing a "good job"? As I think I've mentioned before - if it was a "job" - I'd quit.  The pay is abysmal and the hours suck.  But it's not a "job" to me.  It's an expression of worship, a ministry.  It's not something I "do" - it's something I "am" and the attitude that reduces it to a widget done for the approval of people cheapens it for me.  He has given me so much; I am grateful and this is my motivation for doing what I do for Him, not the plaudits of people.

I know that there are some who look at another's gifting or talent and wish they could do that; perhaps that is the source of comments like "Good job!"  I get that, which is one of the reasons I don't make a big issue of it when someone says it to me, especially someone who doesn't know me well.  But what these folks fail to see is that they are gifted in areas that I am not, that we all need each other and that God is delighted with the way He has made each of us.  Each of us has intrinsic value.  After all, God gave us a pretty big something for nothing anyway.

Blessings in 2011!

2010 has been an incredible year.  So many changes... so many blessings ... so many hard things.

As 2010 dawned, our family was separated - the two of us plus our oldest here, our youngest living in Ontario with her boyfriend's people.  That turned out to be a very bad situation and we made the decision to bring them back to PEI. 

They arrived back on the Island on Jan. 16, 2010 to stay with a friend of hers.  That living situation was short-lived and before three weeks had passed, they were without a place to stay.  As hubby and I had discussed this as a last resort, we opened our home to them.  They now live in our basement and share in the chores.  We are grateful to know where they are, and to be able to share family times with both of them.  His family is quite controlling so he has cut all ties with them, preferring our "laid-back" style.  (If only her boyfriend knew what I was like before he met me!)

January was also when Haiti had a major earthquake.  The whole world was affected, and people rallied to provide financial and service support.  Even our little island.  February 14 saw members of our church join together with others to do a benefit called "Love Haiti" which raised some $10,000 for earthquake relief, matched by the federal government because the tickets were sold prior to the deadline date.

I saw my doctor in March for a right shoulder problem which has been bothering me since a few months after my left shoulder surgery in 2007.  Overcompensating for my left shoulder left my right with lost range of motion.  He referred me to a specialist, whom I saw just a couple of weeks ago.  I will have an MRI sometime in June 2011 to see whether there is a tear in my rotator cuff or just osteoarthritis in my acromioclavicular joint (the one at the top of the shoulder at the tip of the collarbone).  We'll see what transpires next year.

March also saw our youngest daughter's boyfriend get his wisdom teeth out.  It was such a relief for him to be free of pain.

The winter/spring saw both myself and our oldest going to the chiropractor, me for my lower back and her for her neck.  X-rays showed that she has cervical spondylolisthesis (a slippage of the vertebrae) at C5 to C7, caused by a fall when she was two years old.  It might explain the cause of all those basilar artery migraines she had as a child because the basilar artery goes right through that spot in the spine. She was given a device, which she uses at home, to strengthen her neck muscles and gently push the vertebrae back into a better position. She has since gotten some normal curvature back into her neck.  

In May, my hubby and I went to Halifax so I could undergo 4 days of testing to get a diagnosis regarding my chemical sensitivities.  I needed the diagnosis so that my employer could accommodate my needs at work.  After an interesting week there, and a wait of about 2 months, I finally had my diagnosis and recommendations from the specialist I saw.  I do have Multiple Chemical Sensitivities.  It isn't a figment of my imagination.  And there are things I can do to lessen the effects of this illness.  I've been doing those things ever since, some of them daily, others off and on.

On June 7th, my oldest brother Skip passed away.  A couple of hours before his death, his youngest daughter moved the date of her wedding up and had it at the hospital so he could give away his little girl.  The loss has been such a wrenching one, especially for his widow and orphans - and for my mother.  

The next day I started this blog.  Blogging has really allowed me to explore this journey of recovery I'm on, and it's been a great vehicle to touch people who I might not otherwise have touched, develop friendships with people who really care, and get me in touch with what's really going on inside my spirit.

Three animal deaths in the next four months dealt us body-blow after body-blow. One of these was a rather slow one - after a stroke and the hope of recovery for the first one to pass away.  I pay homage to Tsuri - to her brave and tenacious spirit, to Ceçania her cage-mate left behind, whose inquisitive nature stayed with her until nearly the end, and to Cody the cat, who did his best to let us know how much we were loved and appreciated.  

September saw us take our first trip as a family to see my mom in about 6 years; our youngest had stayed away for her own reasons - and Mom celebrated with a blueberry cheesecake.  Mom returned the visit in November - but left the cheesecake home (haha).

September also saw our oldest, having decided only in August to go to college, attend her first classes at Eastern College.  She is doing so very well, enjoys her classes and plans to graduate in December 2011, as a certified Executive Assistant.  Her social life has blossomed as well, and we are so pleased to hear about her adventures.  It is like she is emerging from a long, dark tunnel into the light of day.  It is wonderful to watch.

In November we went as a couple to a spiritual retreat and stayed away for 2 nights.  What an experience!  There we met some amazing people, deepened existing friendships and were challenged by the facilitators to accept forgiveness and to forgive - God, ourselves, and others.  We are so looking forward to doing that again next fall.  It was such a needed break.

Which brings us to today.  All I can do, in keeping with my (up until now, well-hidden) Irish roots, is offer you an Irish blessing for 2011.

Precious Memories, how they linger

The centre left photo (below) is how I remember my brother. This was about 1986, long before he ever got sick, his children around him like young olive trees, tender and joyous. To the right, he's surrounded by his music on the top photo, acting the fool for his kids in the centre one, (is that the flamenco he's trying to do??) and hugging his best girl below that.

A long-time friend sent me a Scripture reference by email yesterday. When I was sharing the reference (I'd not looked it up yet) with my honey this morning, he looked it up and read it to me.

"For you shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace. The mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands." (Is. 55:12)

I sobbed like a child. The memory that Scripture brought to me was as clear and fresh as if it happened yesterday. There was no warning - I was caught completely off guard.

Years ago, in the New Christian Singers when we all sang together, I used to sing an arrangement of Wonderful Peace where there was an instrumental. Skip picked the verse (didn't strum) on his acoustic guitar, and Sandy read Isaiah 55:6-13 before we all did the last chorus as a group. It's recorded ... somewhere. I should dig out that old LP and get it digitalized if it still has no scratches. The songs we sang, so simple, still so true. So many lives were touched. So many more can still be.

Jesus is so very near, as near as breath itself.
.

Prayer for help (Psalm 40)

I was reading this past Saturday a.m. in the Word... I sometimes like to read it in French because the richness of the original language can sometimes make it better into French than into English. Anyway I was reading in “La Bible du Semeur” – The Sower’s Bible, published in 1999 as a thought-for-thought translation (much like the New Living Translation is).

This is Psalm 40 translated from the French “Sower’s Bible”:

I have put all my hope in the Eternal One.
He leaned down toward me, He lent His ear to my supplication.

   
He made me rise up again from the dry well of destruction,
      and from the bottom of the muck.
      He made me stand up again, my feet on a rock,
      and He made my steps firm.

   
    He put in my mouth a new carol (song of joy),
      a hymn of praises to sing God. (a special expression meaning that when he opens his mouth, God comes out.)
      When they see what He has done, many will want to revere the Eternal One
      and put their trust in Him.

   
    Very happy is the man who confides in the Eternal One
      and does not turn himself toward arrogant people
      lost in the Lie (footnote re alternate translation : who does not turn himself toward false gods).

   
    O Eternal One, my God,
      what wondrous works You have done for us, and how many great plans !
      Nothing even looks like You.
      I would love to publish, tell again and again Your wonders,
      but their number is too great.

   
    You have desired neither offering nor sacrifice.
      You’ve opened my ear,
      because You have not asked for burnt offerings or blood sacrifices to expiate sin.
   
 
   So I said : Look here, I am coming
      in the scroll of the book, it is written about me,

   
    I take pleasure to do Your will, my God,
      and Your law is engraved at the bottom of my heart.

   
    In the great assembly, I tell the good news of Your salvation.
      I will not keep it quiet,
      Eternal One, You know that.

   
    I do not hide in my heart like a secret the deliverance that You have granted me.
      I proclaim it very loudly how much You are faithful, and that You have saved me.
      No, I do not hide from others Your love, Your faithfulness
      in the great assembly.

    
    And You, O Eternal One, You will not hold back Your tenderness far from me :
      Your love, Your faithfulness will protect me without ceasing.

   
    With innumerable ills I am surrounded,
      my transgressions overtake me :
      I can’t stand the sight of them :
      they surpass, by their number, the hairs of my head ;
      I don’t have any more courage.

   
    Please, Eternal One, deliver me!
      Come quickly to my aid !

   
    May they be covered with shame, filled with confusion,
      those who seek after my life!
      May they beat a retreat, may they be dishonoured,
      those who rejoice within themselves at my misfortune !
   
  
  May they be paralyzed under the weight of shame,
      those who laugh at me.

   
    But may all those who are bound to You
      be overflowing with joy, and may they enjoy themselves in You.
      And may all those who love Your salvation
      keep saying constantly, “How great is the Eternal One !”

   
    Me, I am poor and miserable,
      but the Lord takes care of me.
      You who are my rescue and my liberator,
      O my God, hurry !

I love David's honesty. His reality touches my spirit and tells me that his relationship with God isn't stuffy but rather, it's real, truthful, with no masks or costumes. He feels deeply and he shares his feelings with God. They're friends. This kind of intimacy is vital to daily Christian living. It's foundational.

We can't give away what we don't have. That's why the personal relationship with God is so central. It's like the plumb line that a contractor drops before building anything. Unless the foundation is square and level, rooted and grounded in love for Him first and foremost, the whole building will be off, and eventually crack and crumble.

Any other motivation for our service for Him will not "wash" with people - or with God.