I've lost my lisp.
A few weeks ago I had a wisdom tooth pulled that had come in crooked - with the chewing surface facing my cheek. It had been there for over 20 years, and finally got in the way of flossing - so I opted to have it out. The procedure was painless! And it's still in the process of healing - and will for the next few months while the bone re-grows back in.
Unknown to me, that wisdom tooth was the reason why I had a very slight, almost imperceptible lisp, a way of forming my S words that was more obvious to me than it was to anyone else. I'd purse my lips a bit, force my tongue to the roof of my mouth with the tip against the back of my teeth and the S sound would come out and sound perfectly normal.
But I could hear the lisp. To me it sounded like "ths" and it was a little annoying.
Until I got the wisdom tooth out.
As the hole started to heal, I had to get used to extra space in my mouth - it felt like someone could drive a model train through there at first! And I noticed that I'd make unexpected noises when sneezing (something like Donald Duck!!) And sometime during that time, I started (accidentally at first) making a real S sound when I said S words. It kind of surprised me. That's when I started noticing that the reason I could pronounce that letter was because I could close my teeth.
Finally.
Since the chewing surface of my wisdom tooth pointed toward my cheek, the rounded portion that is supposed to be next to the tongue was actually sitting up against the chewing surface "V" in the back of my bottom molar. It made it impossible for me to close my mouth completely. That 1/8 of an inch prevented me from forming the S sound with my teeth and so I looked for other ways to compensate - hence the lisp.
And now it's gone. I almost don't sound like me (when I hear myself talk from the inside, where a person listens to him or herself.)
It isn't without its hazards; sometimes the sounds can come out kind of muffled or whistling, and sometimes my cheek feels like it's flapping in the breeze. And oddly enough, I find myself speaking the old way more often than not. I go back to the lisp. It's more comfortable; it's the voice I hear in my head when I think of me. Yet - I know I don't need to do it anymore. If I just take my time and think about how I want to say something, I'll do fine.
But - and this is the weird part - when I'm not thinking about it, it just comes back. Even though I don't have a reason to do it anymore.
I've had to teach myself to slow down and talk the new way. Right now it's about 50-50... which is better than the 90-10 I was doing at first.
What it takes is practice. Slow down and practice.
It's like that in my recovery too. I've been freed from a lot of things, a lot of survival mechanisms that aren't necessary anymore: guilting, blaming, manipulating, controlling, to name just a few. The new patterns of behaving: letting go, living in today, letting people bear the consequences of their own actions, not fixing, not obsessing... these things are new to me and they take practice. It still feels awkward (not as much as it once did) to live my life this new 24-hours-at-a-time way. I like my life far better when I do. And yet - sometimes that old habit of freaking out or being obsessed about something someone is doing or has done, will rise up and show itself in my behavior. Half the time or perhaps a bit more, I can catch myself doing it the wrong way and just reverse my actions in mid-stream (just as I do when I realize I'm lisping again!) But it still does take work - every day. Several times a day.
"The price of freedom is eternal vigilance." - Thomas Jefferson.
A few weeks ago I had a wisdom tooth pulled that had come in crooked - with the chewing surface facing my cheek. It had been there for over 20 years, and finally got in the way of flossing - so I opted to have it out. The procedure was painless! And it's still in the process of healing - and will for the next few months while the bone re-grows back in.
Unknown to me, that wisdom tooth was the reason why I had a very slight, almost imperceptible lisp, a way of forming my S words that was more obvious to me than it was to anyone else. I'd purse my lips a bit, force my tongue to the roof of my mouth with the tip against the back of my teeth and the S sound would come out and sound perfectly normal.
But I could hear the lisp. To me it sounded like "ths" and it was a little annoying.
Until I got the wisdom tooth out.
As the hole started to heal, I had to get used to extra space in my mouth - it felt like someone could drive a model train through there at first! And I noticed that I'd make unexpected noises when sneezing (something like Donald Duck!!) And sometime during that time, I started (accidentally at first) making a real S sound when I said S words. It kind of surprised me. That's when I started noticing that the reason I could pronounce that letter was because I could close my teeth.
Finally.
Since the chewing surface of my wisdom tooth pointed toward my cheek, the rounded portion that is supposed to be next to the tongue was actually sitting up against the chewing surface "V" in the back of my bottom molar. It made it impossible for me to close my mouth completely. That 1/8 of an inch prevented me from forming the S sound with my teeth and so I looked for other ways to compensate - hence the lisp.
And now it's gone. I almost don't sound like me (when I hear myself talk from the inside, where a person listens to him or herself.)
It isn't without its hazards; sometimes the sounds can come out kind of muffled or whistling, and sometimes my cheek feels like it's flapping in the breeze. And oddly enough, I find myself speaking the old way more often than not. I go back to the lisp. It's more comfortable; it's the voice I hear in my head when I think of me. Yet - I know I don't need to do it anymore. If I just take my time and think about how I want to say something, I'll do fine.
But - and this is the weird part - when I'm not thinking about it, it just comes back. Even though I don't have a reason to do it anymore.
I've had to teach myself to slow down and talk the new way. Right now it's about 50-50... which is better than the 90-10 I was doing at first.
What it takes is practice. Slow down and practice.
It's like that in my recovery too. I've been freed from a lot of things, a lot of survival mechanisms that aren't necessary anymore: guilting, blaming, manipulating, controlling, to name just a few. The new patterns of behaving: letting go, living in today, letting people bear the consequences of their own actions, not fixing, not obsessing... these things are new to me and they take practice. It still feels awkward (not as much as it once did) to live my life this new 24-hours-at-a-time way. I like my life far better when I do. And yet - sometimes that old habit of freaking out or being obsessed about something someone is doing or has done, will rise up and show itself in my behavior. Half the time or perhaps a bit more, I can catch myself doing it the wrong way and just reverse my actions in mid-stream (just as I do when I realize I'm lisping again!) But it still does take work - every day. Several times a day.
"The price of freedom is eternal vigilance." - Thomas Jefferson.
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