Forgiveness - a choice, a process

Doctors tell us that anger can kill us.

That's only partly true.  Anger we hold on to, stuff down inside us, and refuse to express in safe ways, can kill us.


Anger is an appropriate response to being hurt or seeing others hurt by someone else.  Like all emotions, it is meant to be a transient state; it is designed to alert our selves to a boundary being crossed, and to tell us that something important, something intolerable, needs our attention.  It is one of the ways God has given us to look after ourselves.  It is NOT BAD in itself.  Being angry does not make me or you a bad person; it proves we are human.

In the church, anger is frowned upon (haha, I think I made a funny!) And the message is always one of forgiveness.  The Lord's prayer says that God forgives us in the same way as we forgive others.  There's a sobering thought!

But forgiveness is something we can't just conjure up. It is something that God gives us the strength to do. I believe that in the church, this is not emphasized enough - we hear sermons on the fact that we have to forgive but nobody describes what that looks like and how it happens.  So we try to jump into forgiveness ... and in cases where the hurt is huge, we still end up feeling resentful and we think we are defective.  

This is NOT true.

Forgiveness is a process that starts with a decision to be willing to forgive, but it doesn't always happen (snap) just like that.  The deeper and/or more long-standing a hurt has been, or the more often and long-term it was, the more difficult it is to forgive and ... you can tar and feather me later ... the longer it's going to take.  

I speak from experience.  Those of you who know me well know that I have been through this process, in fact many times since January 2009.  It never gets any easier, and although it's different for each person because of the circumstances, the process is the same.


Often we get over a hurt that comes from a misunderstanding; we tell the person what they did, we say how we felt, and we come to an understanding, forgive, and move on.  That's wonderful!!  

But what I'm going to say next pertains to long-standing unforgiveness issues.  Deep wounds from the past.  Mommy issues. Daddy issues.  Self-esteem issues.  Abuse of all kinds.  Rape. Alcoholism - even someone else's.  Long-term pain.  I've been in a good many of those places.  God has freed me of a lot of the baggage in my life, and so if you don't mind, and you have been there too and are struggling, I am going to speak directly to you.

Anger is the first necessary step in the forgiveness process.  It says, "What you did to me was wrong and it hurt me.  I refuse to make excuses for you and sweep this under the carpet."  If it helps to list all the ways that the action hurt you, and what repercussions that has had ever since, then it's okay to go there.  The idea is to shift the responsibility for what happened squarely on the shoulders of the person to whom it belongs and not try to punish yourself for it.

Keep in mind that this is not the time to go to the person who has hurt you (or write a letter to him or her) and get it off your chest.  It's too soon.  This is an internal conversation you have.  It's part of the process of GETTING to forgiveness.

The next part is sometimes the part that people dread the most: it's the grief.

Grieving something that has been taken from you is healthy, just as grieving someone who has left or has been taken from you is healthy.  It lasts however long it lasts to get the hurt out into the open where your heart and your mind can deal with it.  

Whether it's lost innocence, a lost business, or a lost sense of self-respect or self-worth, grief is grief and must be felt, expressed, and allowed to run its course - however long that takes.  In cases of recovery from abuse, it might take a longer time than you might like.  It's necessary, however, in order to get better.  

Believe me.  I know.  Healing happens from the inside out.  It took a long time to be hurt this badly and it will take some time to heal.  Give yourself a break.  You've been beating up on yourself long enough.

Many people cannot deal with these things until much later in life.  That's okay - the important thing is that it's being dealt with now.

As grief passes for whatever it is that has been lost, the emotional storm passes and clarity comes.  You can think about the person who has harmed you without automatically getting upset.  That's when you can accept a very important fact: that what this person took from you is no longer in his or her possession.  It cannot be returned to you ... especially in situations of sexual, physical, and/or emotional abuse!  

Looking  to that person to restore to you the lost innocence, the lost years, the lost relationships that have resulted - is not fair to you and not fair to the person who hurt you.  He or she CAN'T pay you back. Ever.  
God is the restorer; He is the One who heals.  Sometimes it helps to imagine God telling you the truth about how He feels about you.  Things that heal you inside, that counter the lying message that the hurt has given you about yourself.  Repeat it again and again and again, until you begin to believe it!  Let Him tell you that He loves you, that you are precious to Him, that He wants the best for you, ... whatever your wounded self needs to hear in order to heal.  If it helps to write it down, then write it down and put it somewhere that will be visible to you daily.  As your wounds heal, as you begin to get better inside your own skin, you will find that you have the strength to do what comes next.

Only then is it time to forgive.  Forgiveness is (as discussed) not making excuses for the other person but simply a decision to write off a debt.  Realize it will never be paid back to you and write it off.  This is a God-thing.  This is what God does with us.  The debt was already paid - Jesus felt the shame and the guilt for everything, and now offers to release us from spiritual bankruptcy.  When we accept His offer, He gives us the strength to do the same.  

Forgiveness doesn't depend on whether the other person is sorry.  It doesn't depend on how bad the offense was.  It depends on the willingness of the one who forgives.  It is something that takes place inside of you.  And it sets you free.

Sometimes forgiveness means taking responsibility for the part you have played in (if not the original offense) your reactions to it and the repercussions in that person's life.  If this is the case, then after forgiveness has taken place inside of you, it is time to admit those things to God, to yourself, and to someone you trust.  Then ask God to remove those things and attitudes in your heart that have hung on and destroyed others' lives as a result of your own brokenness.  

So when you go to the person (if such a thing is necessary... and if the person is an active sexual abuser, let me tell you ... it is not!!) you won't be talking about how he or she hurt you (that is now a dead issue!); you will be talking about how you hurt him or her. 

Sometimes that will result in reconciliation, an apology from the person even.  Other times ... it won't.  The important thing is to de-clutter your own insides, to be able to live with yourself, to feel comfortable in your own skin.  

That freedom is worth more than I could possibly describe.