I love it when a plan comes together. And I say that when things work out the way I planned them. Which, truth be told, doesn't happen often. Only occasionally, in fact.
For most of my life I have found it incredibly difficult to "unhook" from my agenda for an event or an itinerary. It's all part of that control thing - I must bend the circumstances to my will (yeah, how crazy is that.) And if the unexpected happened and it all fell to pieces in my hands - which it did (does) often - more often than not I got (get) really bummed out.
The times when I haven't - have been times when I actually thought of a "Plan B" - played the 'what if it doesn't go the way I want?' game with myself. Kind of a silly thing for a middle-aged person to admit but it's a skill I never developed until recently: so focused on the goal was I that it was inconceivable for the players and the stage not to do my bidding. And I must admit that I have to remind myself to think up alternate scenarios, learn to roll with the punches, unhook from my pre-conceived idea of what something will be, how someone will act. Even such a simple matter as a breakfast "out" on a Saturday morning can throw me into a tizzy when I was counting on certain parameters - like who wakes up and when - fall into the toilet.
When I learned about "letting go" this was one of the things that was kind of like a hanger-on, a stubborn vestige that wouldn't leave.
Then I realized what it was about. It was about expecting perfection. I expected perfection from myself and from others. I was expecting all to go as planned because I had this perfect scenario in my head. When it wasn't perfect - I got mad. Sometimes I still do!
Knowing it is half the battle... but there's still the other half. ;) That's part of the insidious nature of codependency: wanting to fill that God-shaped part of me, the part that craves perfection, perfect understanding, perfect love, perfect purity, perfect justice - by either being that for others or having others be that for me. I need to remember that I'm not God and that others are not either. I need to lighten up and give myself - and others - a break. And compared to a couple of years ago, wowwie, it's one heckuva lot better than it was.
I still have work to do though.
One final thought as I close off. Someone whose friendship I really have come to value, reminded me today that while it's God and God alone who provides the strength for me to walk in this new lifestyle, it is I who must take the steps.
For most of my life I have found it incredibly difficult to "unhook" from my agenda for an event or an itinerary. It's all part of that control thing - I must bend the circumstances to my will (yeah, how crazy is that.) And if the unexpected happened and it all fell to pieces in my hands - which it did (does) often - more often than not I got (get) really bummed out.
The times when I haven't - have been times when I actually thought of a "Plan B" - played the 'what if it doesn't go the way I want?' game with myself. Kind of a silly thing for a middle-aged person to admit but it's a skill I never developed until recently: so focused on the goal was I that it was inconceivable for the players and the stage not to do my bidding. And I must admit that I have to remind myself to think up alternate scenarios, learn to roll with the punches, unhook from my pre-conceived idea of what something will be, how someone will act. Even such a simple matter as a breakfast "out" on a Saturday morning can throw me into a tizzy when I was counting on certain parameters - like who wakes up and when - fall into the toilet.
Then I realized what it was about. It was about expecting perfection. I expected perfection from myself and from others. I was expecting all to go as planned because I had this perfect scenario in my head. When it wasn't perfect - I got mad. Sometimes I still do!
Knowing it is half the battle... but there's still the other half. ;) That's part of the insidious nature of codependency: wanting to fill that God-shaped part of me, the part that craves perfection, perfect understanding, perfect love, perfect purity, perfect justice - by either being that for others or having others be that for me. I need to remember that I'm not God and that others are not either. I need to lighten up and give myself - and others - a break. And compared to a couple of years ago, wowwie, it's one heckuva lot better than it was.
I still have work to do though.
One final thought as I close off. Someone whose friendship I really have come to value, reminded me today that while it's God and God alone who provides the strength for me to walk in this new lifestyle, it is I who must take the steps.
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