Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I can't ...

There are a lot of things I can do.  I can think, work, eat, drive, and so many more things.  But there is a sense in which I can do absolutely nothing.  That realm includes the area of my own ability to consistently say and do the right thing, or to not choose the wrong thing.  

I cannot control other people, circumstances, or outcomes, either.  Much as I want to.  In fact, there is very little over which I have control.  I like to think I do, but I don't.

For most of my life I tried to live life the way I was taught to.  I tried really hard: straining, striving, and forcing myself to behave a certain way.  Trying to get people to behave a certain way because that's what I believed that I had to do in order to be a good wife, mother, friend.  

Not until I started into this journey of recovery and healing did I even start to get an inkling of the secret of living life.

Source of this photo:
I can't.  God can.

There's a line of a song that says, "I can't even walk without You holdin' my hand."  The longer I am on this journey, the more convinced I am that this is true.  In my own strength I have nothing ... but when I rely on God for His strength and direction - lo and behold - things work out.  

I can't count the number of times I have been in close touch with Him and things have fallen right into place, miracles (mini-miracles) have happened.  Being in the right place at the right time, especially if there have been delays just prior to that.  Humming a song to myself that someone else needs to hear who's within earshot, and not knowing it's what he or she needs or even whether the person is even there.  Not reacting in a situation where reacting would worsen a situation.  Instinctively knowing when refraining from speaking, or just giving someone a hug, would say more than words ever could.  It's uncanny.  But I've seen it happen, time and time again.  In my own wisdom and strength, I would have screwed it up, and royally at that.

I know because I've relied on my own wisdom and strength.  It's how I lived most of my life, including the majority of my Christian life.  And although it might work for a short while and in short bursts, it ends up with me feeling burnt out, used up, angry, frustrated, and exhausted.  Not to mention with a lot of egg on my face.  Pushing myself and allowing myself to be tricked into that whole "don't just stand there, do something!" mentality has been my downfall again and again, and in the midst of my delusion (before I hit bottom) it's led me to believe that I should be doing more, that I have to do, do, do.  I forget to be, be, be.  And every single time, it ends in failure.  I've proven time and time again that I just... can't.

When I rely on God, when I concentrate on my relationship with Him and live in the moment, life is an adventure with unexpected twists, unforeseen blessings. 

Even when the circumstances aren't the best. 

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