The messages come at the most inopportune of times and wreak havoc with my peace of mind.
They're messages I grew up with. Some I heard from family members; some I decided to believe on my own, based on my own mistakes and failures.
And now they come back to me, even when I experience triumphant moments. The fears, the doubts, the insecurities.
The lies.
The old messages are like poison, debilitating me, keeping me back.
You're a social failure. Nobody will ever like you. Things will always go wrong for you. What you do will never be good enough. (They pile on, tightening my throat and making my stomach churn.) You'll always be alone. What are you, crazy or something? They're only hanging out with you because they want something. That's all you'll ever be: someone's slave. Don't even think about dreaming of something more. (Ad nauseum.)
I will be brutally honest here: sometimes those messages are still overwhelmingly powerful in my life. But they started to lose their power when I realized (first of all) that they were false and (second of all) that they came from things that had been said to me and/or dumped on me when I was younger - by family members, so-called friends, and the people in elementary and high school whose mission it seemed to be to make my life a living hell, wrapping me up in graveclothes - like mummy wrappings - suffocating me. I knew I had to break free of them.
Even with those realizations, the old messages didn't go away automatically. Someone I trust suggested to me that I create my own new list of messages, statements that were true and uplifting, affirmations that would build me up - to remind me that I was worth something after all: I am special. God doesn't make junk. I am likeable just the way I am. I have something important to contribute. And so on.
Slowly, over time, some of those old messages started to slip away as I told my inner child the things she needed to hear, the things she never heard. A large part of that was in spite of the feelings of disbelief and "this is stupid" that the old voices would tell me. I recited my new affirmations anyway. Not by rote - but speaking directly to that frightened little kid hiding away from the world. After a while she started to relax and accept herself just a little. From that point on, as the grave-clothes of self-doubt and self-loathing began to drop off, God and I together uncovered the roots of those messages: verbal, emotional, physical, sexual and spiritual abuse. More messages were needed to combat those. What happened to me wasn't my fault but someone else's choice. I didn't need to fix people who were emotionally crippled and who tried to rely on me to meet their needs. I no longer need to fix those same people. I am good enough. I can feel good about what I do without needing others to say so.
Oooo. These new messages were filled with healing words, healing thoughts. And as they took hold, the old messages of self-destruction (with rare exceptions on occasion) gradually became less and less frequent.
In that nurturing soil, healing - and growth - germinated.
They're messages I grew up with. Some I heard from family members; some I decided to believe on my own, based on my own mistakes and failures.
And now they come back to me, even when I experience triumphant moments. The fears, the doubts, the insecurities.
The old messages are like poison, debilitating me, keeping me back.
You're a social failure. Nobody will ever like you. Things will always go wrong for you. What you do will never be good enough. (They pile on, tightening my throat and making my stomach churn.) You'll always be alone. What are you, crazy or something? They're only hanging out with you because they want something. That's all you'll ever be: someone's slave. Don't even think about dreaming of something more. (Ad nauseum.)
I will be brutally honest here: sometimes those messages are still overwhelmingly powerful in my life. But they started to lose their power when I realized (first of all) that they were false and (second of all) that they came from things that had been said to me and/or dumped on me when I was younger - by family members, so-called friends, and the people in elementary and high school whose mission it seemed to be to make my life a living hell, wrapping me up in graveclothes - like mummy wrappings - suffocating me. I knew I had to break free of them.
Even with those realizations, the old messages didn't go away automatically. Someone I trust suggested to me that I create my own new list of messages, statements that were true and uplifting, affirmations that would build me up - to remind me that I was worth something after all: I am special. God doesn't make junk. I am likeable just the way I am. I have something important to contribute. And so on.
Slowly, over time, some of those old messages started to slip away as I told my inner child the things she needed to hear, the things she never heard. A large part of that was in spite of the feelings of disbelief and "this is stupid" that the old voices would tell me. I recited my new affirmations anyway. Not by rote - but speaking directly to that frightened little kid hiding away from the world. After a while she started to relax and accept herself just a little. From that point on, as the grave-clothes of self-doubt and self-loathing began to drop off, God and I together uncovered the roots of those messages: verbal, emotional, physical, sexual and spiritual abuse. More messages were needed to combat those. What happened to me wasn't my fault but someone else's choice. I didn't need to fix people who were emotionally crippled and who tried to rely on me to meet their needs. I no longer need to fix those same people. I am good enough. I can feel good about what I do without needing others to say so.
Oooo. These new messages were filled with healing words, healing thoughts. And as they took hold, the old messages of self-destruction (with rare exceptions on occasion) gradually became less and less frequent.
In that nurturing soil, healing - and growth - germinated.
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