When I was 48 I didn't like who I was.
Well, at least I didn't like the person I had become. I didn't know who I REALLY was. I don't think I ever knew because that realness was stolen from me when I was growing up. I think a lot of people have had it stolen from them too, without realizing it. I know I didn't realize it for most of my life.
I guess it really starts when we're babies. A baby's cry is designed to motivate a parent to stop what's causing the crying. Babies' feelings seem to be so fleeting that we think that they are a blank slate - who hasn't distracted a baby from fussing by just getting in front of them and giving the baby a big wide smile, an open-mouthed look of delight. Gurgles and coos follow - and the myth is born. If we don't like the way someone feels, we can change it.
Hm. I have to wonder why we are uncomfortable with the way someone feels in the first place. Whatever the reason, whether selfishness, helplessness or a desire to make another person into a carbon copy of yourself, "being real" is not seen as valuable. We've bought into the notion that it's better to "fake it" and fit in rather than to be real and stand out.
I'll show you what I mean. Here are a list of things I and others have heard growing up - why the adult really says them and what they mean to the child who hears them.
If you don't stop screwing up your face like that, it'll freeze that way.
The adult feels: I'm tired of listening to you cry. (or) I'm uncomfortable with your pain and I feel helpless to stop it for you. (or) I'm too lazy to figure out why you are crying - I just want it to stop. (there are other reasons).
The child hears - Your feelings aren't important to me (or) You'll always be sad. (or) Being sad is unacceptable; you aren't allowed to feel what you feel (or) Be afraid of being ugly. (there are others).
[after your sister breaks your favorite toy and you say you hate her] Of course you don't hate your sister! You love your sister! Now go give your sister a hug!
The adult feels: - I can't stand conflict (or) I just want everyone to get along with each other (or) My children should be perfect and that's what they're going to be if it's the last thing I do! (there are others).
The child hears: - You aren't smart enough to know how you feel (or) I don't care about why you are angry with your sister, just get out of my face (or) good people don't ever have bad feelings - so you are a bad person (or) your feelings are secondary to everyone else's (there are others).
If you don't stop that crying I'll give you something to cry about!
The adult feels: irritated and/or annoyed that the grieving takes longer than expected (or) helpless to fix the problem so resorts to threats (or) wounded pride that any child of theirs couldn't "suck it up" and "take it like a man" - (there are others)
The child hears: Expressing your feelings is always a bad thing and if you don't hold it in, something way worse is going to happen to you (or) I don't want to take the time to find out why you are crying because I don't love you (or) I don't care about you or how you feel; what I'm doing is more important than you are (there are others).
You just wait until your father (or mother) gets home - are you ever going to get it!
The adult feels: I can't deal with this right now (or) I am afraid I'm going to hurt you (or) the anger I feel toward you justifies someone who is better at inflicting pain than I am (or) I just want you to behave and get out of my hair, so I'll use this threat - it's worked before (there are others)
The child hears: I don't want you, and Daddy (Mommy) won't want you either when (s)he learns what you've done [love is dependent on what people do, not who they are] (or) you're such a bad person that I'm going to be mad at you all day long for what you did/said and then the other parent will be mad at you too (or) You better be scared - the right response is living in terror of punishment for what you've done and nobody could forgive you for this (there are others).
So early on, we learn to fake it. To hide our true feelings and so hide from ourselves. Many of us pride ourselves on nothing getting to us. (How sick and dysfunctional is that...?) We shove those feelings deep inside of us and we refuse to acknowledge that they even exist. The problem is, if we do it long enough, we not only choke out the "negative" feelings, but we kill the ability to experience the "positive" ones too: joy, happiness, peace, love.
We even make doctrines out of faking it. Yeah, really!! We believe - in error - that being realistic is being pessimistic and that telling the truth is "not speaking in faith."
And then we wonder why we're so lonely, so depressed, feeling unappreciated and abandoned.
It's because we are.
That's where I was up until the time I was 48 years old. The child in me that was alone and friendless, who didn't know how to come out of her prison, sat in the darkness in fear and despair... and waited to be set free. She was tired of running into walls, tripping and falling down, all from trying to do it on her own. It had been so long since she had spoken that she thought she didn't have a voice left.
Thank God that He hears the smallest whisper.
Well, at least I didn't like the person I had become. I didn't know who I REALLY was. I don't think I ever knew because that realness was stolen from me when I was growing up. I think a lot of people have had it stolen from them too, without realizing it. I know I didn't realize it for most of my life.
I guess it really starts when we're babies. A baby's cry is designed to motivate a parent to stop what's causing the crying. Babies' feelings seem to be so fleeting that we think that they are a blank slate - who hasn't distracted a baby from fussing by just getting in front of them and giving the baby a big wide smile, an open-mouthed look of delight. Gurgles and coos follow - and the myth is born. If we don't like the way someone feels, we can change it.
Hm. I have to wonder why we are uncomfortable with the way someone feels in the first place. Whatever the reason, whether selfishness, helplessness or a desire to make another person into a carbon copy of yourself, "being real" is not seen as valuable. We've bought into the notion that it's better to "fake it" and fit in rather than to be real and stand out.
I'll show you what I mean. Here are a list of things I and others have heard growing up - why the adult really says them and what they mean to the child who hears them.
If you don't stop screwing up your face like that, it'll freeze that way.
The adult feels: I'm tired of listening to you cry. (or) I'm uncomfortable with your pain and I feel helpless to stop it for you. (or) I'm too lazy to figure out why you are crying - I just want it to stop. (there are other reasons).
The child hears - Your feelings aren't important to me (or) You'll always be sad. (or) Being sad is unacceptable; you aren't allowed to feel what you feel (or) Be afraid of being ugly. (there are others).
[after your sister breaks your favorite toy and you say you hate her] Of course you don't hate your sister! You love your sister! Now go give your sister a hug!
The adult feels: - I can't stand conflict (or) I just want everyone to get along with each other (or) My children should be perfect and that's what they're going to be if it's the last thing I do! (there are others).
The child hears: - You aren't smart enough to know how you feel (or) I don't care about why you are angry with your sister, just get out of my face (or) good people don't ever have bad feelings - so you are a bad person (or) your feelings are secondary to everyone else's (there are others).
The adult feels: irritated and/or annoyed that the grieving takes longer than expected (or) helpless to fix the problem so resorts to threats (or) wounded pride that any child of theirs couldn't "suck it up" and "take it like a man" - (there are others)
The child hears: Expressing your feelings is always a bad thing and if you don't hold it in, something way worse is going to happen to you (or) I don't want to take the time to find out why you are crying because I don't love you (or) I don't care about you or how you feel; what I'm doing is more important than you are (there are others).
You just wait until your father (or mother) gets home - are you ever going to get it!
The adult feels: I can't deal with this right now (or) I am afraid I'm going to hurt you (or) the anger I feel toward you justifies someone who is better at inflicting pain than I am (or) I just want you to behave and get out of my hair, so I'll use this threat - it's worked before (there are others)
The child hears: I don't want you, and Daddy (Mommy) won't want you either when (s)he learns what you've done [love is dependent on what people do, not who they are] (or) you're such a bad person that I'm going to be mad at you all day long for what you did/said and then the other parent will be mad at you too (or) You better be scared - the right response is living in terror of punishment for what you've done and nobody could forgive you for this (there are others).
So early on, we learn to fake it. To hide our true feelings and so hide from ourselves. Many of us pride ourselves on nothing getting to us. (How sick and dysfunctional is that...?) We shove those feelings deep inside of us and we refuse to acknowledge that they even exist. The problem is, if we do it long enough, we not only choke out the "negative" feelings, but we kill the ability to experience the "positive" ones too: joy, happiness, peace, love.
And then we wonder why we're so lonely, so depressed, feeling unappreciated and abandoned.
It's because we are.
That's where I was up until the time I was 48 years old. The child in me that was alone and friendless, who didn't know how to come out of her prison, sat in the darkness in fear and despair... and waited to be set free. She was tired of running into walls, tripping and falling down, all from trying to do it on her own. It had been so long since she had spoken that she thought she didn't have a voice left.
Thank God that He hears the smallest whisper.
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