I'm sorry - not!

:D
D:

Okay sometimes you just GOTTA laugh.

I just got the weirdest apology from someone. Suffice to say that it left me with the impression that the person didn't really believe they did anything wrong.  But they said they were sorry that I thought they had.  Oh, that's rich. (:->)  Anyway, I'm just glad that the person got the message...and respected a boundary I set.


But it got me to thinking about all the non-apology apologies I've heard.

Let's see.


According to Wikipedia,"An example of a non-apology apology would be to say "I'm sorry that you felt insulted" to someone who has been offended by a statement. This apology does not admit that there was anything wrong with the remarks made, and, additionally, it insinuates that the person taking offense was excessively thin-skinned or irrational in taking offense at the remarks in the first place."


Okay so how many non-apology apologies have you heard (or given)?  I can list a few to get you started:


The 'obfuscated' apology:  "I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."


The backhanded apology: "I'm sorry your feelings got hurt." (i.e., what I said/did wasn't wrong; you are too sensitive.  This is like the one wikipedia cited.)

The "you-should-have-known-better" apology:  "What in the world were you thinking?  of course I didn't mean to hurt anyone!"  (This one doesn't even say the words, "I'm sorry.")

The "please make excuses for me" apology:  "Oh I'm sorry.  I was in such a bad mood."  (And yes, I used to use this one a LOT.)


The "guilt trip" apology:  (I got this a lot growing up).  "I am so sorry.  I must be such a rotten [mother/friend/sister/brother _____(fill in the blank)___.] I try and try to be a good ____(again, fill in the blank)____ but I guess nobody appreciates that...."  Another version of this one is, "But I was only trying to HELP..."


Or the no-words apology (I'm still sometimes guilty of this one) - buying the person something or doing something really nice for them to make it up to them... but never saying the words because... it's uncomfortable.


Okay, now that I've gotten the creative juices flowing - what IS a real apology?


I believe that it is when you recognize that the actions or words you have done have hurt another, whether you meant them to or not.  It carries with it the idea that you don't want to hurt them again, and that you will take concrete steps to avoid that happening in the future because you care about them.

So, here's an example of a real apology (if it comes from the heart):  "I am so very sorry for what I said.  I didn't know that it hurt you.  How can I keep from doing that again?"