Manners Matter

For many years Emily Post's rules of etiquette have been hailed as the final word in manners for all occasions.

But Emily never foresaw the electronic age.  Apparently, when it comes to the internet and particularly on social networking and gaming sites, anything goes.  

I learned a new term today.  It describes people who thrive on conflict, who judge and ridicule people online about the stupidest things just for the pleasure of one-upmanship or self-aggrandizement.

Trolls.  

The term is reminiscent of the creepy little creatures who used to terrorize people crossing over a bridge in fairy tales... attacking and/or making the ones crossing the bridge pay for the trip in unpleasant consequences.  To be "trolled" is to be the victim of such an attack.

Rather than go into the details, I propose a return to the good old Golden Rule on which Emily Post's book was created:  "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  

Many people make insensitive or unkind comments because they don't have any frame of reference for understanding the mindset of the one they criticize.

Let me give a very simple example.  Okay, I'm obese and I know it; everyone who looks at me knows it.  I've had a weight problem ever since I went on the pill a couple of months before I got married.  Then when I stopped to get pregnant, the mothering hormones made it impossible for me to take the weight off without a LOT of commitment.  Often it was two steps forward, three steps back.  Eventually, exercise became quite painful for me.  Any exertion for any length of time and the extra weight pulling at me in front would cause excruciating pain in my lower back.  And the total weight would cause acute plantar fasciitis - pain in the feet which feels like someone has inserted a knife in each heel pad, and is twisting the blades with every step.

Anyway, I used to work with someone who was very tiny, petite, a nervous type who could eat like a horse and only gain two pounds over Christmas and think she had gotten "fat."  She invited me to go walking with her, thinking that it would get me more active and help me to lose weight.  Her average speed of walking was 7 miles per hour.  Mine was 4.  Going faster only made the back and foot pain hit faster.  Not to mention the shortness of breath caused by the belly fat pushing my diaphragm up into my lungs.  I had to decline.  She wanted to know why.  I had to think of a way to explain it to her without losing her friendship.  It wasn't easy because my inability to control my weight has always been a sore spot with me.

So I said something like this.  "Ever carry a big bag of potatoes?  Like 20 pounds?  Can you carry it at your normal walking pace?  And how far can you carry that bag before your back gets sore and your feet get tired?  Well, I have to carry around the equivalent of three of those potato bags with me ... all the time.  I never get to set the weight aside.  So asking me to go on a six-block walk with you might sound like a good idea to you, but for me it is not only painful, it's not healthy.  I appreciate that you are concerned for me, but I'm afraid that for my own health, I must decline."

In her case, it worked.  She was able to see things from my perspective and I not only kept her friendship, it deepened.  She came to understand that the measure of a person is not how skinny, how rich, or how social a person is, but what is inside.  She had the unique opportunity of walking in my shoes - even if in her imagination - for a little while.  Not many people have the ability to do that.  I was fortunate.

There's a chorus to a song I like that says, "Don't judge a thing 'til you know what's inside it; don't push me - I'll fight it, Never gonna give it, never gonna give it up - no... You can't take me; I'm free!" (Bryan Adams)


Yes, I know I still need to lose weight.  I also know that I need to do a lot of healing on the inside before that can happen, and when it does, the weight will look after itself.  I've come a very long way in a relatively short time.  Recovery is a life-long process and I'm just at the beginning of this journey.

I know people who have been bullied online for such menial things as their spelling, their choice in one sports team or another, their parenting choices, and even how they treat their pets.  It's wrenching.  It's cruel.  It hurts. A LOT.

So please, let's be kind: in person ... AND online.  After all, manners matter.