Experience - Strength - Hope

A friend of mine is going through an intense period of testing right now. Sometimes it feels like the world is closing in on her. Circumstances seem to pile up and threaten to destroy her, destroy her faith. Yet she holds on - even if sometimes it is by her fingernails. 

The circumstances don't really matter. It could be a sickness, a family situation, grief, loss, the fall-out of someone else's addiction, a financial need, or just a whole lot of fiery little daggers of doubt like fire-ants swarming in and threatening to destroy everything. 

What matters is the feelings. She needed to understand that the feelings she is having are normal for what she is going through, and that sometimes people who have never been through this kind of trial have no clue how hard it is, how distressing it is. There's no frame of reference; it's like Marie Antoinette being told that the people had no bread and saying, "Let them eat cake." Obviously to her, everyone had both bread and cake in the pantry, so if they ran out of one, just eat the other ... right? Wrong. 

So it is with someone who has never experienced it - whatever "it" is. Some of the responses my friend has been getting from people ... show that they have no clue what she's going through, even though they might think they do.

However, I went through something quite similar to her situation several years ago. And I was able to tell her some stories from that period in my life and share with her how God met me in my hour of need and became my rock, my protector, my provider. How I expected Him to work in one way - and so did a whole bunch of people - but God didn't do it that way at all. He chose another route. And I believe - now - that part of the reason He chose that path for me was so that I could sit across the table from her today, in full acceptance of her and of her situation, and share with her my experience, to strengthen her and give her hope that God would come through for her as well. And I could show her by example that the only thing she can count on is that God will act and work miracles in a way that she never will have dreamed or expected.

No judgment. No condemnation. No advice.  That's the thing about experience; it humbles the one who's gone through it, made her realize that it's okay to not be perfect, that the feelings are valid, that the crisis is real - and that people need compassion, acceptance, and love above all.

The story I told her came back to me as I told it - as if I was going through it again, vivid and real - and it reminded me of all those feelings I had back then and how overwhelming they were, how difficult they were to go through especially because of the people around me at the time who (just like her own current nay-sayers) gave me pat answers and brushoffs when my circumstances and my feelings didn't fit into their preconceived notion of the way life should work. And God brought me through it and proved Himself strong - so strong - day after day after day. There is something so powerful in that kind of story. There is absolutely no arguing with it. It can't be done. When people try to dismiss or explain away what happened, my response is simply, "I was THERE."

I've heard people argue doctrine, philosophy, belief, theories ... but nobody can refute experience. And experience shared ... lends strength to the one who needs it until that person can stand on her own ... because at that point she too will have the benefit of her own experience. Then she can pass it on to the next person as the opportunity arises, and give them strength. And it will give them hope - which isn't the uncertain thing people think it is, but rather a confidence, an assurance, a peace that things will work out all right in the end, and if it's not all right yet, it's not the end. 

That's the way life works. We need God - AND we need each other.

That's pretty cool.

Settling in

It's no secret that I'm kind of allergic to change. 

It's funny how just a seemingly small thing as a change in computer can make such a great difference in my day-to-day life. The adjustment has been more than what I expected.

I've had this new laptop for almost a week, and it is slowly growing on me. I literally had to grieve my old one, believe it or not! I'd allowed myself to become attached to my MacBook Pro, thinking it would be around for a decade like I had heard others talk about. Alas, it was not to be. 

Accepting that fact has brought a growing sense of peace. I will go back to the repair shop (and I use that term loosely) tomorrow after work to pick up my old, ready-for-life-support MacBook - the memory is fine, I just can't use the rest of the machine to get at it! - and take it back to the dealer to see if they will honor the remaining warranty on it. If they can, that's gravy. If not - well, I'll take my lumps and try to find a way to get my data files (Word and Excel documents, plus music and photos) off the MacBook and onto this laptop. 

Trackball mouse - I use this model or a similar one
at home AND at work.

And, after a few growing pains concerning the track pad on this machine (which my wonderful daughter solved this morning with an easy fix to disable the track pad when there's a mouse plugged in!) I'm pretty satisfied with it. The numeric keypad is nice to have back too - it was the one thing I found it hardest to get used to with the Mac (no numeric keypad, so no ASCII codes and the calculator was just nasty to operate as a result) - still, I found ways around those things and even found "accents" easier to do with an Apple keyboard than a Windows one.  

It's hard to get used to Windows again though - and even harder because it's the most recent version: Windows 8 is unlike anything I've ever seen. It's more like a touch-screen than anything else, like those smart-phones in a way.

To ease myself into that world, I've kept as many things as possible the same. Most importantly, I told the guys setting up my machine that I wanted my preferred browser as Firefox, and would only use the Windows 8 features when I absolutely had to .... and I've kept to that for the most part. Mind you, the free downloadable themes (for backgrounds) are absolutely breathtaking. I have the waterfalls theme on mine and it is simply stunning. Sometimes I'll just minimize everything and watch it change screens from one beautiful photo to the next.

I've spent most of the week re-creating my email contact list and my bookmarks. However, I think I'm slowly settling into my new virtual world - like someone moving into a new neighborhood has to get his or her bearings and get to know not only the neighbors but the "normal" sounds and sights. 

Throughout the whole process with both computers, I've had to use the skills I've learned in my recovery from door-mat-itis and control freakoholism. One day at a time. Accept the things I can't change, change the things I can and learn when to let go and where to set boundaries. Take care of first things first - people before things. 

Which reminds me; I'm actually spending less time on the computer and more time with my loved ones. 

I could settle into that kind of change fairly quickly, too.  

Back to square one

I picked up my new laptop today. The experience was ... well, bittersweet.

The saga of the Mac is not quite finished; I phoned the repair guys today and left a message for when they open the shop up on Monday morning at 10:30 (yes, that's right: 10:30 to 5:30, Monday to Friday!) that I want my MacBook Pro back the way I took it to them, the wires and gadgets hooked up even if it doesn't work, and I'll settle up when that is done. Basically, I don't want them touching it any more than necessary. Of course I didn't tell them that.

Then I'll take it to the place I bought it, and see if they'll do something for me or whether I nullified my warranty when I took it to someone else to do repairs. 

Time will tell. At this point, if a replacement happens, it's gravy.

In the meantime, I am very grateful for this new laptop. It's quite different from both the Mac and my husband's PC - different feel to the keyboard, different (updated) operating system (Windows 8) and other bells and whistles I could probably do without. ;)

It's nice to be sitting in my own seat again too ... such a small pleasure but I enjoy it immensely; I can lean my head back instead of having it propped forward. What a blessing. 

As much as I talk about self-care - and I talk about it a LOT - it still feels rather strange - like I feel guilty or something - to be spending all this time and money on myself. 

The restart button on many machines,
got the image from cherwriter.blogspot.com

I feel as though I've gone through a rite of passage, so to speak, giving legs to all the talk about looking after myself. Talking is one way for me to get the message, but as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. This "indulgence" - if you want to call it that - is but the first in a string of little practical messages of self-worth that I'm sending to myself ... and they're not going to happen often - just once in a while. 

It also feels strange to be starting over again from square one. I have to put in all my bookmarks and contacts from scratch - what a pain - but the up side of that is that there were too many bookmarks I wasn't using anymore on my old machine - and contacts have updated their email addresses so I can get rid of the things that no longer are valid. So, in a sense, I'm getting a fresh start. Everyone needs one of those once in a while.  
Even if he - or she - doesn't deserve it.

Lessons Learned and Face Red

It started when the Shift key on my laptop wouldn't work on the left-hand side half the time. It was annoying, but I figured my computer was getting older and it was past the warranty period, so I'd have to find a work-around. I did. 

So it started happening more often. O...kay... Fine, use the workaround all the time. 

Apparently this is a common problem,
spilling coffee on your laptop. I wouldn't recommend it.

Then one day I spilled coffee on the keyboard. 

I tried to clean it up - but - it was too late. About an hour later my beloved MacBook Pro started freaking out. The J key started repeating when I wasn't even touching it - just jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj across any window in which I put my cursor! And my P key stopped working. 

Finally I bit the bullet and decided to go to a local repair shop dedicated to MacIntosh computers. It had been highly recommended. "Can you do the repair here?" I asked. I didn't want it to take forever by sending the machine back to the manufacturer to have it repaired. 

"No problem," came the response. "It's a simple cleaning job. But we have to let it air dry after we clean it, so it will take 3 days." Wellllll... okay, I wanted it done right. So I agreed. They cleaned it, put it back together, turned it on, and it was still not working. "Oh, the casing is warped. It's Unibody construction (one-piece), so we'll have to send away for one. It will cost $400 after all is said and done." 

Hmmmm. Well, it's still way cheaper than a new MacBook. Okay.

Hubby gallantly stepped in and told me I could use his computer (Windows-based) while I was waiting. I was grateful, but it meant that I had to use his machine while sitting in his chair because it was set up a certain way... and his chair was hard on my back. Not to mention - it's Windows. My Mac had spoiled me; I freely admitted it.

So fine... I could spend less time online. We had to take turns anyway, right?

Then Hurricane Sandy put a crimp in delivery schedules for the Unibody, and I had to wait two weeks longer than I would have liked. GrrrUMP. This was really hard to swallow. Days upon days of calling in. Not here yet. Next Tuesday. Friday. No, first of next week.

The casing came in a few days ago, and they put it together and turned it on for a diagnostic. Today. (Keep in mind that I took the computer in there three and a half weeks ago.) This time it wouldn't even stay on for more than a minute. More checking - and then they said that the logic board (also known as the motherboard - the main circuit to which all the other components are attached and communicate with each other) was fried. 

Funny, I thought. All that was wrong when I took it in ... was the J key repeated, the P didn't work and the left Shift key was on the fritz. 

They suggested getting a new machine; the only thing working on the old one was the hard drive. So there'd be the initial repair bill, plus the cost of a new MacBook which - straw breaking the camel's back - they'd have to order in. That would take a week.

I asked if I could have my computer back. Well, it's in pieces, it would take another 2 days to put back together.  Hmm. Finally I said, "I want my hard drive back. Can you manage to at least give me that?" 

After that, I went to the shop where I originally bought the MacBook. I bought a Windows-based computer ... thinking that if a Mac would only last 3 years, I was better off getting a lower-cost computer with top-of-the-line virus protection than getting a new Mac. Even as much as it pained me to resort to Windows again; I'd been spoiled. 

I bought the computer and paid for it and the extended warranty plus a cooling fan to prevent it from heating up too much (my debit card said ouch), and arranged for it to be loaded up with Firefox and Skype, and set up the way I wanted for pickup tomorrow. Then, out of curiosity, (albeit morbid curiosity) I asked them if they still had information on the warranty for the original MacBook - the laptop which was at that moment laying in pieces at the not-to-be-trusted repair shop across town. 

They looked it up for me - they found it in their records.  There was a year left on my extended warranty.

Oh crap. Crap, Crap, and more Crap. Wa-ay too late now - but I wish I'd known that a month ago!! 

I should have taken it to them in the first place. 

I am SO embarrassed. 

There's no way out but to admit it. Einstein was right when he said that only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and he wasn't too sure about the former.

I screwed up. Big time.

Lessons learned from all this: 

(1)   Never assume the "warranty has run out by now." CHECK.
(2)   Know when your warranty runs out, and get your machine repaired where you got it, just in case. Keep warranty and repair records in a place that is separate from your computer's hard drive - because if your computer stops working, you'll want to be able to get at the information.(3)   Never, NEVER leave anything liquid on the same surface where you keep your computer. If you have to eat soup, or drink coffee or cola or whatever when you are at your computer, make sure that:

• you set the liquid container down on a separate surface than the one on which you keep your computer, 
• you don't hover the liquid above the keyboard (i.e., turn your head to one side to drink, or push away from the computer to eat your soup!), and 
• that the surface you set your drink/liquid on is solid and doesn't allow for spillage and inadvertent dripping on the machine. 

Life lessons learned: 

(1)  No matter how bad you think things are, they can always get worse.
(2)  Life does go on - and it gets more expensive. Live with it.
(3)  Don't take yourself or your possessions too seriously. 
(4)  Sometimes you just have to cut your losses, face the music and take your lumps. Life hands you innumerable opportunities to make a royal chump of yourself. Learn to roll with the punches ... and know that it's okay to be human.

People can relate to it, for one thing.

Rain Dance

The summer of 1978 in southeastern Maine was hot, sultry, and insolent.

At first we loved it. It was sunny every day, there was hardly a cloud in the sky, and the temperatures were hot, and got hotter as July wore on. 

I was working at a summer camp as a general staff member for ten bucks a week plus room and board. The work was steady, sometimes back-breaking, but since I was working with the horses, I had about three hours a day when I was in my element. The rest was tough slogging: sweat and biting critters (mosquitoes and blackflies) with no end to the joe-jobs: kitchen duty, food prep, and cleaning public toilets after every day of use by 8-year-old boys who had no parents around to monitor their TP usage (shudder!)

And the weather! The camp bordered a large lake, and we caught ourselves gazing longingly at the boats filled with sports fishermen from the fishing camp up the road, imagining how cool it would feel to be out on the water. The grass started to go yellow; the dirt got harder and harder. A creek ran through the center of the camp, and as the weeks wore on, we kicked up dust clods when we walked across the compound, and the creek dwindled from three feet deep down to ... barely a trickle. 

A similar moth invasion happened in British Columbia
in the summer of 2011

The first week of August was when the moth swarms hit. The streetlight just outside the dorms was eclipsed by thousands of moths in a mad frenzy to get to the light source - night after night for nearly a week - it was eerie. And just as quickly, they were gone. 

Yet still, no rain. We wondered when (or if) the skies would break. The heat was oppressive. Tempers flared. We tried to focus on our duties, and we tried not to complain, but we knew that every one of us was praying for a thunderstorm. In private conversations, we questioned how long this dry spell could last. The air was oppressively heavy. Everything was an effort. 

One afternoon around August 13, the guys and I (there were three of us who worked with the horses) decided to take the horses out for a ride in the woods and beyond the usual trail ride boundaries, to give them (and us) a break.

We'd gotten to the other end of the trail and into a farmer's field, about a half-mile away from the camp paddock, when we heard it. A low, distant rumble. "Is that...?" one of us asked. Then we heard another - this time much closer. We looked up. The sky had gotten dark with clouds. It had been sunny when we left. 

The field lit up with a blast of heat-lightning, followed closely by thunder. It was getting closer. We looked at each other, gulped, and wordlessly turned back toward the camp. 

The rain started just before we turned into the back part of the trail. It wasn't any kind of rain we'd ever seen though. The drops were about a half-inch in diameter, and they were pelting down ... straight down ... splashing off the hard-packed earth. Our clothes were soaked completely through in seconds. Lightning lit the trail path, coated now with soggy pine needles, criss-crossed with tree roots - the thunder was nearly constant. In the five minutes or so that it took to get back through the labyrinth - the trees lining both sides of the trail and and arching over our heads. Yet our canopy provided no protection from the pelting rain. 

Finally we reached the paddock and one of us hopped off his mount and opened the gate. Hurriedly we took our gear off the animals and led them back to the lean-to, where there was some shelter from the rain. We put some hay in the hay-rack and hung up the gear, and trudged back to the camp, another quarter mile - this time on foot. 

My comrades ran ahead of me... I figured I was already as wet as I could get, so I walked. As I did, I was aware of the rain pelting down on my head, running past my eyebrows and off my eyelashes; what didn't run off the eyelashes rolled down my face freely and ran off my chin in a little rivulet. 

It was raining.  It was RAINING!

I rounded the corner and saw the girls' dormitories: two large buildings. My room was in the left building, but my best girlfriend, whom I had met only a couple of months previously, stayed in the right-hand dorm. I turned right, went to her door, and knocked. She answered the door and I squinted at her astonished face. 

"It's raining!" I yelled above the thunder.

Her face brightened. "Yes! Yes it is!  Wait a sec!" She went to her bunk, slipped on her shoes, and came outside, where her hair immediately began to get as soaked as mine. She grabbed my hand and pulled me out into the dirt between the two buildings. There, we spread our arms wide, turned our faces toward the sky, and twirled, laughed and spun like little kids, splashing in the puddles and shrieking in delight. The creek was nearly flooding its banks, lapping up against the bridge in brown wavelets of mirth. Once she was as drenched as I was, and we had laughed so hard our sides ached and we were spent, we each headed back to our respective dorm rooms and began the process of cleaning up.

That girlfriend and I still stay in touch; our friendship has seen us through some pretty tough (and great) times. I think about that "rain dance" often. I think of it when I get too caught up in the past, or the future, and forget to enjoy the moment. It helps. 

It reminds me that even the things I think are bad ... can sometimes end up very good.

Thanks Giving

Our family celebrates Thanksgiving twice a year: once on the 2nd Monday in October (or thereabouts) and once on the 4th Thursday in November (or more likely, the Saturday right after that.) 

Thanksgiving is huge at our house, especially when it comes to food. There's turkey with all the trimmings (dressing, carrots, squash, mashed potatoes, gravy), two kinds of pie, and usually we like to share our "groaning table" (and when we are done eating we sure ARE groaning) with one or two other people.

We take some time to share the things for which we are most grateful - family, friends, this or that circumstance, and other things that we've been thinking about lately. 

Tips and tricks for preparing for a holiday meal here

There are so many ways to express thanks, to show gratitude for the blessings we have in our country, in our society, in our local area - not just at Thanksgiving, but much more frequently than that. 

People can donate money to a good cause. They can attend a church service and give thanks that way. They can wear a specific color or participate in a fund-raiser. They can organize a community potluck. 

But by far the easiest - and yet the most under-used - way is to just contact someone who is or has done something special, and say, "Thank you." 

That's it. Just a heart-felt verbal expression of gratefulness. What could be simpler? 

Apparently it's very difficult for some folks. The words just won't come! Given the choice between telling someone how much he or she means ... and paying him or her money ... you guessed it. They prefer to pay rather than say. 

My take on that is that the feelings are the most important thing. Expressing the feelings runs a close second. After that, giving someone money - if a person really feels the need to do that - needs to be a confirmation of verbally expressed (or written) appreciation. 

And finally, the other part of thanksgiving is the attitude of giving: giving without any expectation of recompense or reward, no strings attached. Part of the reason so many people dread the holidays is that there are so many expectations - so many you-scratch-my-back-and-I'll-scratch-yours assumptions. Reciprocity is a great idea when it's the idea of the person wanting to repay someone for a kindness done. However, when reciprocity (the expectation of repayment in kind) is the basis for a relationship, resentments can build when one party doesn't meet the other's expectations.

I remember one fellow who was well-known for the parties he had at his home for various members of his social group. I knew this man and so I asked him why he'd never invited us to his place. "Because you've never had us over," was his simple - and quick - reply. His response made me think about the political game involved in giving - a game that is most obvious at Christmas, but which is played every day of the year by so many people. And meanwhile, those who have no self-esteem hesitate to even approach someone else ... but I digress. 

My main point is that there needs to be both thanks and giving in Thanksgiving. 

Every day.

Saddle Sores

Sometimes, getting along with people is hard.

Put another way, the intricacies of interpersonal relationships are such that they can turn into a mine-field more than a healing zone. 

Whether at home, work, church, school, or elsewhere, the potential for misunderstandings and power-plays (and everything in between) is huge because people are human - and humans make mistakes. Humans also like to be right, and will do anything to convince themselves that they are right. Even if it means manipulating the situation in such a way that the other person looks wrong - or stupid.

I was bemoaning such a relationship last night as I tried to get to sleep - and sleep would not come. The more I thought about a particular sequence of events, the worse I felt. The feeling of being betrayed, irritated, used, taken for granted (even possibly taken for a fool), and ... ridden - was tangible. This morning, as I tried to make sense of it all, tried to identify what was wrong, I listed my feelings as if they were physical symptoms ... and because I have a background in equitation, suddenly it became clear to me.

I have saddle sores. You know - the kind that horses get. Only mine are emotional.

To test my theory, I went to Google found an article on saddle sores, what they are, what causes them and how to prevent them. It's as I thought. Saddle sores are tender, raw spots on a horse's back or sides that happen when there is repetitive rubbing against the hair follicles. They usually happen where the equipment (like the saddle and/or the girth, or the strap that holds the saddle on the horse) comes into contact with the horse. 

Friction causes saddle sores. It doesn't have to be a whole lot of friction, just a few millimeters is all it takes, but it's the repetitive nature of it over a prolonged period of time, back and forth, over and over, that causes the hair follicles under the saddle to become inflamed and tender, and it can lead to infection, and sometimes even dead tissue - which (after removal) means that the hair never grows there again. And did I mention that saddle sores HURT? Think blister. Think abscess.

Ouch. A horse with a saddle sore can't be ridden for a long time, until the sore is healed completely. That can mean weeks of treatment. 

What am I getting at? Well, the author of the article says that there are several underlying causes of the irritation that leads to saddle sores and other similar sores that appear under the bridle or other riding or harness equipment. These main causes are: 

• the way the individual horse is built - this can't be changed, but allowances can be made for it;
• the riding equipment that's used: saddle and bridle, especially if these things are unclean. A dirty saddle or bridle is stiff and crusty, doesn't bend with the horse's movements, and rubs the hair and skin raw; and
• how well the rider rides - this can be changed!

Now. Here's where my mind started kicking in; here's the analogy part. Think of the following symbolism (if you haven't already figured it out):

• the horse is the one feeling "ridden" or "used" - in this case, me;
• the saddle and bridle (also called the "tack") is the rules and regulations, the organizational framework in which I and the other person/people involved operate; and
• the rider is the other individual (in essence, the one who is "riding" me). This is the person who has some sort of power or control over me, whether by delegated authority or by function.

Photo "Horseman On Horse" courtesy of dan at
www.freedigitalphotos.net

Treating saddle sores is far more unpleasant for everyone than preventing them from happening in the first place. It takes a little extra care, but the time investment is well worth it. It makes the relationship far more enjoyable - in the horse world and in the human world!

In particular, as I review the three main causes for saddle sores (the individual makeup or quirks of the one being ridden, the flexibility of the rules and regulations under which everyone operates, and the skill of the rider), might I suggest the following applications for preventing the emotional effects of being "ridden?"

• Judicious use of padding - Saddles come in standard sizes; horses don't. Good riders know that a great saddle pad, if used properly, can help prevent saddle sores from happening. If the horse has physical quirks, such as bony shoulders for example, adjusting the pad before putting the saddle on the horse can prevent that extra pressure from bearing down on the horse's back. In the same way, knowing where someone is sensitive and making allowances for those things can help prevent the rules - and the one holding the reins - from rubbing him or her the wrong way.
• Making sure the rules are fitted to the person - The equipment has to fit the horse properly in order to be effective. There are guidelines to use to make the bridle fit comfortably so the horse isn't in pain all the time, things to remember to make sure the girth doesn't pinch, or the front of the saddle doesn't bear down on the bony part of the shoulders. If you need to awl another hole through a strap to make it fit right, then that's what has to happen. If you need to get someone a special piece of equipment to make his or her life/job/ministry/schoolwork better while still staying within the boundaries of decorum and being considerate of others involved, then that's an investment that needs to be considered seriously.
  
• Keeping the rules from becoming rigid and inflexible - Good riders know the importance of cleaning their tack after every use - at least wiping off the saliva, sweat and dirt with a damp sponge or cloth - and regularly cleaning the saddle and bridle with saddle soap, a sponge and a little water to keep the leather supple, to prevent it from getting brittle and rough. Rough leather rubs against the animal and causes saddle sores faster. In the human application, a good rule of thumb here is "people before things."  Consistently refusing to listen to someone who has a need and a right to be heard and appreciated in a meaningful way, can drive a person to the wrenching decision point of wanting to permanently end the relationship.
• Being open to instruction - Bad riding: continual bump-bump-bumping on top of the horse, yanking at the reins, or flopping the legs around, can cause more friction and more quickly irritate the places where the tack comes in contact with the horse (not to mention irritating the horse itself!); it can also damage the equipment and not make it last as long. This can be fixed if the rider is willing to take lessons and listen to someone who knows more, to benefit from the experience of an expert. In the same way, it's important for the person at the controls to have an extremely rare quality: the capacity to be teachable. Being teachable increases flexibility and benefits both parties; it improves the relationship and helps it last longer and be more enjoyable for all concerned. 

Like all analogies, this one has its limitations, but I think I've drawn enough comparisons to at least provide food for thought. 

Learning to sit tight - and then some

"It won't be long now. Sit tight." This is a common statement I've been encouraging myself with lately. 

Are the days something to be endured
or something to be embraced

Diminishing "today"

I've been waiting for a few weeks for certain specific promised events to happen. The timing of these events is completely out of my control, and yet I am figuratively kicking at the fence, checking the mailbox - as if by doing so, I could hurry it up - and the "new me" recognizes that it's the "old me" that's so impatient. 

I don't complain as much, so I'm better at waiting than I used to be. 

Or am I?  My former obsession with controlling the end result by harping and hounding, by ranting and railing, has given way to a more subtle monitoring of the situation, trying to manipulate or at least watch what's going on. 

Even knowing when something is likely to happen doesn't help, because then I cross the days off the calendar in my mind, and fall into the "I can't wait" mind-set. When I catch myself saying, "I can't wait" for this or that to happen, that's when the alarm bells start going off. Viewing this or that day, or this or that group of days (such as Monday to Friday?) as something to be endured before I can begin to live or enjoy life, is completely opposed to the lifestyle that I have adopted the last few years: "Live fully today." If I am marking time until some future date happens, aren't I wasting the potential for joy and happiness that I could experience today? Can't I find something about this day for which I can be grateful?

Perhaps I need to encourage myself with a different message - like "One day at a time" or "Let go and let God" ... and ask myself an action-inducing question, like, "What can I do to accept and enjoy today just as it is?"

Hmm.

Doors and Windows

There's a well-known saying that whenever God closes a door, He opens a window.

A few years ago, my husband and I weren't sleeping very well; we'd go to bed tired and wake up tired, and the whole cycle would get worse and worse until we would "crash" and have what Jim Davis (the cartoonist) called a "nap attack."  After doing some thinking, we figured out that the reason we weren't sleeping well was because the cats would come into the room at 3 in the morning (or some other such unholy hour) and demand attention. Our Internet search showed us that closing the bedroom door would help us get the sleep we needed, once the animals figured out that we weren't coming to open the door. 

It worked, but quite frequently we awoke with headaches from sleeping in a room with less and less oxygen in it throughout the night; putting a fan only circulated the "bad air."

So we opened our bedroom window. It was literally a breath of fresh air. And ... problem solved.

There've been quite a few doors and windows in my life lately. One of them has been the closure of the first ever Codependents Anonymous group in our province, for which I was the contact person for a year and a half. Through that group, God opened a window for fellowship with a dear friend with whom I had virtually lost touch. Once we re-established contact, He just let the group - such as it was (with an attendance of no more than six people and usually only two) - die a natural death. I believe it served its purpose, and its passing doesn't prevent another group from starting up, as soon as there are enough people to make a serious go of it. 

It was actually a relief to let that go, because I'd been feeling so responsible for keeping it going, frustrated that it wasn't going anywhere, and burnt out from all the energy I was pouring into it with no results. 

It dawned on me - finally, through the help of that same friend - that I was being codependent about Codependents Anonymous! Once I released my hold on the group and "stepped back," I could enjoy freedom from stress and an extra two nights a month of freedom in which to do whatever was needed: from napping, to putting in an extra hour at work, to visiting with friends. 

An open window can also let in some
fresh air - picture source

Another door/window combination has been the loss of ties with my birth family. I'll not bore you with the gory details, but let's just say that it became necessary for me to make a clean break. 

For a while, there was a gaping hole in me, with very raw edges - feelings of hurt and betrayal mostly - but as I shared my vulnerability with a couple of people I trusted, I found a whole network of these individuals who were supportive, understanding, and encouraging. Friends, I think they're called. Friends to me ... of all people. Who knew? They helped give me the strength to let go of the past and to move on with my life.

Sometimes, when God starts closing a door for my own good, I fight tooth and nail to keep it open ... such as in the case of our family finances. With my husband in retirement, our family income took a major hit in the fall of 2009, and our personal line of credit began to grow larger and larger. I tried to stay ahead of it, but it grew faster than I could pay, and it became a monster. There just wasn't enough month left over at the end of the money: major expenses like college for one child, and dental expenses for another (ones which weren't covered by insurance!) all conspired against me.  I keenly felt the weight of responsibility; for the first time in my life, I was the primary bread-winner! I was spending a tremendous amount per month - more than some people make in a month - on paying the debt from the line of credit, the credit cards, and the car loan. We were desperately casting around for ways to save on expenses and to make extra money, even to the point of my husband considering rejoining the work force; nothing I tried to do worked. Everything backfired or fizzled.

My account manager at my bank saw this happening when she did my annual financial checkup (gotta love programs like that!) and she pointed to the line of credit as the chief culprit. It had become a crutch for our family, and she helped me see that this door needed to close; having it open - having that safety net there - only served to overwhelm me because it was too easy to fall back on it. She suggested a drastic move: closing the line of credit, and restructuring the debt into something that was manageable, shutting down the credit cards that were costing me more money and limiting our credit limit on the cards we agreed were just for emergencies. Over a series of about four meetings, we were able to do just that, and reduce my monthly debt payments by two thirds. The debt payment reduction was the hidden window in that slammed-shut door. That oppressive heavy feeling in the air was gone, and I found that I could breathe freely again.

Suddenly I realized that my efforts to "make extra money" had been just the frantic flailings of someone who was drowning - and panicking. She threw a life-raft out to me, pulled me to shore, and as sure as the door closed on our unmanageable situation, I felt the cool breeze of that opened window ... ever so faintly.

Even now I can feel the remnants of that last closing door. All my desperate efforts to make money, to start my own business, have resulted in nothing. I've come to realize that people in the local area don't need proofreading services in the traditional sense anymore. They can get a software program to do it for them, so why pay someone? As this realization dawned on me, it was hard to 'unhook' from my beautifully laid out "Plan A" and admit defeat - but it seemed the only viable course of action. As I'm letting go of that, as that door is closing, I see another window opening on the horizon. 

However, I think I'll keep that one a secret. For now.