"All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me." - Ps. 42:7
That's what fear - that's what panic - that's what depression - looks like. It's overwhelming, suffocating, destructive.
King David struggled with these feelings on a regular basis. He spent a lot of his youth running from the wrath of a royal madman obsessed with not losing his kingdom - to the point of living in caves even. Even after he came to power, there were times when his life was horrible. One of his sons raped his daughter, another killed the son who did it, and a third son tried to lead a coup take his kingdom away from him by force. Talk about stress!
Read any of the psalms written by him (some weren't) and they will usually talk about the tumult he experienced inside. Most were prayers. Of those, most started out with some version of "God? Where ARE You??" Then a whole litany of complaints - David didn't hold anything back. No "speaking in faith" for him! at least, not the way that folks today think of it. He was honest. Brutally honest! Near the end, though, he would usually speak to his soul and tell it to remember God's goodness, to remember all the wonderful things He'd done for His people, to take heart from this, to remember to be grateful and to praise Him. Over and over again we can see him struggling to believe in what were sometimes horrific circumstances - betrayal, loneliness, despondency, and waiting for God to do something when it seemed like the heavens were made of bronze.
I quoted Psalm 42:7 at the beginning of this post. Verse 8 says this: "The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime - and in the night His song will be with me, a prayer to the God of my life." The "song in the night" has come to me so many times as I have wrestled with God in the wee hours of the morning, wondering why this or that situation had to happen, whether things will ever be better, if I'll ever see the light of day in my heart again. Everyone has times like that. The "song" might have minor chords in it - at first - it's okay. The important thing, I believe, is to lift up whatever thoughts I have to God. No matter what they are. The important thing is that I talk to Him. Even if I doubt.
David goes on to say that he would continue to be honest with God, to ask Him why He has forsaken him - and then after this outburst of emotion, he begins to ask himself why he is so disquieted. He encourages himself to hope, to trust, to rest in God.
The rest can't come for me unless and until I am honest with Him. When my heart is heavy with grief or fear or depression, the singing isn't possible until the fists go into the pillow, until the shoulders heave with sobs, and the knowledge comes - usually afterward - that even at those times, He is holding me and letting me be who I am, feel what I feel, and that loves me in spite of it all.
That kind of song is worth more than all the ones borne of denial and duty. It is the song of Love.
That's what fear - that's what panic - that's what depression - looks like. It's overwhelming, suffocating, destructive.
King David struggled with these feelings on a regular basis. He spent a lot of his youth running from the wrath of a royal madman obsessed with not losing his kingdom - to the point of living in caves even. Even after he came to power, there were times when his life was horrible. One of his sons raped his daughter, another killed the son who did it, and a third son tried to lead a coup take his kingdom away from him by force. Talk about stress!
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I quoted Psalm 42:7 at the beginning of this post. Verse 8 says this: "The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime - and in the night His song will be with me, a prayer to the God of my life." The "song in the night" has come to me so many times as I have wrestled with God in the wee hours of the morning, wondering why this or that situation had to happen, whether things will ever be better, if I'll ever see the light of day in my heart again. Everyone has times like that. The "song" might have minor chords in it - at first - it's okay. The important thing, I believe, is to lift up whatever thoughts I have to God. No matter what they are. The important thing is that I talk to Him. Even if I doubt.
David goes on to say that he would continue to be honest with God, to ask Him why He has forsaken him - and then after this outburst of emotion, he begins to ask himself why he is so disquieted. He encourages himself to hope, to trust, to rest in God.
The rest can't come for me unless and until I am honest with Him. When my heart is heavy with grief or fear or depression, the singing isn't possible until the fists go into the pillow, until the shoulders heave with sobs, and the knowledge comes - usually afterward - that even at those times, He is holding me and letting me be who I am, feel what I feel, and that loves me in spite of it all.
That kind of song is worth more than all the ones borne of denial and duty. It is the song of Love.
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