Earlier today I found myself singing an old Irish tune I heard for the first time on Star Trek: the Next Generation. Sometimes my insides will tell me what's going on in my subconscious, and this time was one of them. The story line behind the singing of the song in the show was that there was a fellow who was convinced that the enemy was building a secret base - but there was no proof. He became a renegade and started to attack the supply ships going to this area of space - the no-man's land so to speak - to single-handedly expose and destroy the covert operations of the enemy. A former crew member was able to finally get to him to talk some sense into him and get him to turn himself in. Here's the scene to which I am referring - it's about a minute and a half long.
I've learned to listen to those signals from my subconscious mind . . . especially if they take the form of music, since music is important to me.
The message I finally got from this scene (which for the last few days has been playing in my mind) is that I've been fighting a battle lately in my insides, a battle that comes from trying to hang onto things, habits, relationships, and attitudes that used to work for me but which no longer do, which tend to keep me bound, or hold me back in some way. Sometimes it's because I've held on to some attitude that is selfish, self-seeking, or otherwise controlling or care-taking (and not in a good way). If that is the case, God usually shows me, and I have to acknowledge it and take steps to correct it.
But in the vast majority of cases, it's because I've moved on - and it's time for me to let go. Part of me, the part that remembers the good times and the times when this or that behavior, relationship, or belief worked for me, is saddened by its passing. Yet in nearly all of those instances, I've grown in areas that make that thing or person no longer "fit" into who I'm becoming. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with whatever it is, or that it wasn't needed at the time. It just means I'm no longer in that place.
It's allowed for me to grieve that loss. My emotions are perfectly normal for someone who has lost something that has carried any importance. Since feelings are intended to be transitory states, I know that it's okay to feel those feelings, to work through them and understand why they are there, and then let them go. This is healthy and right. Letting go means that I accept what is. I say goodbye inside. And then I walk away.
And as hard as it is to let go, it would be harder still to hold on and try to resuscitate something that for me, no longer has any life in it.
Sometimes I just have to sing the song of the weary soldier - and then say to the Spirit, "I'm not going to win this one, am I Chief?" and accept what is .... and then give myself up.