Shoulds and Oughtas

Ever said "fine" when someone asked you how you were, even though you weren't?

I have. Lots of times.

It's taken me a long time to figure out why. It's fear. Fear of rejection, fear of judgment, fear of not appearing as spiritual as someone else, fear of ... being real.

I grew up in the church. My first words weren't words; I tried to sing. My mother was a Sunday School teacher. Every time the church doors were open, she was there; I used to say I had a drug problem (she drug me to church, she drug me to Sunday School, she drug me to church suppers, she drug me to Ladies' Aid and Women's Missionary meetings, she drug me to choir practice and prayer meeting and all kinds of church events.) And everywhere there were people who expected me to be the perfect little darling. I knew all the right words to say, all the catch phrases. I lived in the land of Denial. And it wasn't Egypt. (Okay, bad joke.)

After my teenage rebellion, Jesus rescued me from my reckless behavior. But surrounded again by the atmosphere of the church, and embracing its call to a better life, I was sadly ruled by the great Should and its close cousin Oughta. And their alter egos, Shouldn't and Mustn't. Ughh. So controlled, so afraid of stepping outside the boundaries placed on me by everyone around me. Spouting all the Christian catch words that made those who weren't saved look at me like I had two heads. Carrying a five-pound Bible in my purse. Being obnoxious about my faith. Nobody in my sphere of "influence" gave a rat's behind. They wrote me off as going through a phase from which I would easily recover and then I'd be back to the same old person they knew. And they wished I'd hurry up about it, because if this was what Jesus was like, they'd just as soon go shopping.

I was so bound up in those shoulds and oughtas, shouldn'ts and mustn'ts, that I didn't even know who I was and couldn't enjoy just being alive in Jesus. For decades!! Spinning my wheels, in overdrive with the parking brake on, wondering why I didn't get anywhere, stressed out about my family and all the world around me, thinking I had to save them, I had to tell them, I had to be the one to fix them. After all, time was short.

God was even more desperate - to deliver me from that horrible existence. It was never His intention to riddle me so deeply with guilt that I couldn't enjoy His presence. He never meant for me to take on His job (that of convicting people of sin and bringing them into the Kingdom). He just wanted me to be free. And He was willing to do anything to do what He does best and has been so faithful to do every time: rescue me.

Let me share with you part of my journey, the part of it that alerted me that there might actually be a place of bondage in my life. It was before I even knew who I was, perhaps around 2004. I stumbled across a children's book by Max Lucado. It touched me so very deeply. And it was part of the preparation that God put in place that would kick into high gear over 4 years later.

The book was called "You Are Special." Click here to read a blog entry that includes the text of it.

Maybe, just maybe, you need to read it today.

... to be continued....