In my last post I talked about the list I made of all the people who had hurt me in my life, how the wounds they inflicted made me feel, what they made me believe about myself and how that made me act toward others.
As I learned to forgive others in the process I described in my last post, there was something else that started to stir in my consciousness.
Not in every case, to be sure, but in a lot of cases I contributed to the strife and bitterness that existed between myself and the people who hurt me. I either played a part in that injury, reacted badly to it and ended up hurting them back, or out of my pain and powerlessness, I hurt others (sometimes many years later) who reminded me of them.
It was time to take responsibility for my part in my own demise. Because I had written these things down on my list, I started to see an emerging pattern, a theme of behavior and attitude that was not healthy, that kept me in a place of powerlessness and victimization, and in reactionary over-boldness and fear-based aggression. These were things that could only be called character flaws - like arrogance, self-pity, paranoia, rage, and selfishness. The more I saw them emerge, the more sickened I was by them, by how tied up in knots I was because of these defects in my psychological map. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't rid myself of them; this I learned very quickly. From previous experience, I absolutely knew that I had no power to deliver myself from these things. I needed help - serious help. And who better to help me than the One who made me??
I'd even gone to Him before with this whole bag of tricks I had built up - unsuccessfully because the next day (or hour) it would all come rushing back. I'd go to Him and tearfully confess to Him my failings. But there were no specifics. It was "all the times I failed You," and "all my sins."
That wasn't going to cut it. No, I had to be specific. I had to tell Him WHAT I had done, WHO I did it to, WHEN and WHERE it happened, WHY I did it and HOW it was ripping me to shreds inside.
I had to take responsibility for my own actions - before God. I had to admit to Him (and to myself, and to someone else - another human being whom I trusted completely) that there were things - ugly things - about me that I was so very ready for Him to take away from me. There was no holding back, no reservation about this readiness. It was high time. I was sick enough of the way I was, and I became entirely prepared, utterly desperate for God to step in and change me.
And then, bereft of my own resources, without demanding, arm-twisting, pleading or cajoling, I simply asked Him to remove my shortcomings. In detail - each character flaw, each unhealthy attitude.
So, knowing that this was way bigger than me, and that I was praying for the very thing that God so wanted to do in me, I just watched and waited for Him to work.
And miracle of miracles, slowly but surely . . . He did.
. . . more to follow . . .
As I learned to forgive others in the process I described in my last post, there was something else that started to stir in my consciousness.
Not in every case, to be sure, but in a lot of cases I contributed to the strife and bitterness that existed between myself and the people who hurt me. I either played a part in that injury, reacted badly to it and ended up hurting them back, or out of my pain and powerlessness, I hurt others (sometimes many years later) who reminded me of them.
It was time to take responsibility for my part in my own demise. Because I had written these things down on my list, I started to see an emerging pattern, a theme of behavior and attitude that was not healthy, that kept me in a place of powerlessness and victimization, and in reactionary over-boldness and fear-based aggression. These were things that could only be called character flaws - like arrogance, self-pity, paranoia, rage, and selfishness. The more I saw them emerge, the more sickened I was by them, by how tied up in knots I was because of these defects in my psychological map. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't rid myself of them; this I learned very quickly. From previous experience, I absolutely knew that I had no power to deliver myself from these things. I needed help - serious help. And who better to help me than the One who made me??
I'd even gone to Him before with this whole bag of tricks I had built up - unsuccessfully because the next day (or hour) it would all come rushing back. I'd go to Him and tearfully confess to Him my failings. But there were no specifics. It was "all the times I failed You," and "all my sins."
That wasn't going to cut it. No, I had to be specific. I had to tell Him WHAT I had done, WHO I did it to, WHEN and WHERE it happened, WHY I did it and HOW it was ripping me to shreds inside.
I had to take responsibility for my own actions - before God. I had to admit to Him (and to myself, and to someone else - another human being whom I trusted completely) that there were things - ugly things - about me that I was so very ready for Him to take away from me. There was no holding back, no reservation about this readiness. It was high time. I was sick enough of the way I was, and I became entirely prepared, utterly desperate for God to step in and change me.
And then, bereft of my own resources, without demanding, arm-twisting, pleading or cajoling, I simply asked Him to remove my shortcomings. In detail - each character flaw, each unhealthy attitude.
So, knowing that this was way bigger than me, and that I was praying for the very thing that God so wanted to do in me, I just watched and waited for Him to work.
And miracle of miracles, slowly but surely . . . He did.
. . . more to follow . . .
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