I've had a couple of little, innocuous reminders today of the kinds of thinking from which I've been delivered in the last three years. In fact, one of the first hindrances to my healing process was my compulsion to "make it all better." Someone would tell me a problem they were having, and I would rush in and try to fix it. Or I'd give them advice and tell them how to get rid of the problem. Or I'd somehow insinuate myself into their situation enough so that I could influence the outcome.
All that did was make the person either come to depend too much on me (which ended up by me resenting that person), or it made the individual resent me for meddling, or (which was worse) it would rob that person of learning something very important that God might want to teach him or her (patience, faith, etc.) by having to struggle through something on his or her own.
Trying to use my monkey-wrench on someone else's life wasn't good for them ... or for me. It usually ended up backfiring and producing the opposite effect from the one I wanted! So one of the first things I had to learn was that I am completely and utterly powerless over other people. By trying to manage their lives, I had made my own life unmanageable. It was nuts!
When I started letting other people tell me about their problems without trying to fix the problem at hand, but simply acknowledging their feelings about whatever was happening, some amazing things happened. People started realizing that they could go through stuff, that it was okay to feel what they were feeling, and that I would be their friend without steamrolling them into my solution (which might not fit their lives). They (and I) learned that they could handle their problems on their own, or hand them over to a Power much Higher and smarter than I am - and begin to trust themselves ... and Him ... for more and more. With God's help and leading, I learned to respect those boundaries more and more as time went on. And as I did, I discovered that my existing relationships were being transformed from power-based ones to peer-based ones. In other words, I wasn't in charge and neither were they. We were equals who cared and allowed each other the space and time to be who we were. Neither tried (or tries) to influence the other's behavior. Acceptance reigns.
I can't begin to tell you what a trip that has been. The stress levels have gone way down, for one thing. And the satisfaction levels have gone up - hopefully on both sides of my interpersonal relationships. I've been able to determine what relationships I am in which are power-based, looked at those objectively and made decisions whether to continue in them or not. Not an easy task, and one to which I never would have been equal three years ago. But definitely worth it.
In refusing to make it all better, I've actually found that things DO get better. Who knew.
All that did was make the person either come to depend too much on me (which ended up by me resenting that person), or it made the individual resent me for meddling, or (which was worse) it would rob that person of learning something very important that God might want to teach him or her (patience, faith, etc.) by having to struggle through something on his or her own.
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When I started letting other people tell me about their problems without trying to fix the problem at hand, but simply acknowledging their feelings about whatever was happening, some amazing things happened. People started realizing that they could go through stuff, that it was okay to feel what they were feeling, and that I would be their friend without steamrolling them into my solution (which might not fit their lives). They (and I) learned that they could handle their problems on their own, or hand them over to a Power much Higher and smarter than I am - and begin to trust themselves ... and Him ... for more and more. With God's help and leading, I learned to respect those boundaries more and more as time went on. And as I did, I discovered that my existing relationships were being transformed from power-based ones to peer-based ones. In other words, I wasn't in charge and neither were they. We were equals who cared and allowed each other the space and time to be who we were. Neither tried (or tries) to influence the other's behavior. Acceptance reigns.
I can't begin to tell you what a trip that has been. The stress levels have gone way down, for one thing. And the satisfaction levels have gone up - hopefully on both sides of my interpersonal relationships. I've been able to determine what relationships I am in which are power-based, looked at those objectively and made decisions whether to continue in them or not. Not an easy task, and one to which I never would have been equal three years ago. But definitely worth it.
In refusing to make it all better, I've actually found that things DO get better. Who knew.
I'm slowly , learning all this. I have trust issues...
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