Friends Accept - and Respect

Sometimes it needs no words.  Sometimes words need to be said.

Friendship is such a wonderful, simple, magnificent mystery.  True friendship is ... priceless.

It's a blessing to have a real friend, one you can share your heart with, one whose burdens you can bear for a while to make the load lighter, one you can pray for or think of, and who you know prays for or thinks of you when you have a need.

I found myself thinking lately about friendship after someone I know and like was treated badly by some of those she considered friends. I was also thinking, since I am an introvert who lives with both introverts and an extreme extrovert, about the basic differences between extroverts and introverts. So I started thinking about how there might be a need for a friendship manual for introverts and another for extroverts.  Since neither really fully understands the mindset of the other, it might help to remember some things about each other.  

The suggestions that follow are all corollaries of The Golden Rule : treat others the way you would want them to treat you - but the way you want to be treated may be the last thing the person wants depending on their personality.  As a preface to each group of suggestions, there is a brief description of how the mind works for each group of people.

EXTROVERTS
These are the people who have no problem making friends.  Everyone loves them, everyone wants to be around them, and they are usually the ones who will have about a thousand contacts on facebook or on MSN.  Or both. The life of the party, they usually know how to have loads of fun.  When with other extroverts, their fun builds in a crescendo of hilarity.  Deep down though, even while they may appear confident, a great many extroverts are secretly insecure and need constant affirmation.  They've usually figured out great ways to get it without asking for it, so the illusion of confidence stays intact.  Friendships for them center around activities shared with people, preferably face to face.  The most important thing to remember is that extroverts recharge their emotional batteries by being with, talking with, and doing things with people.

For introverts who are friends with extroverts, please remember:
- Sometimes they talk before they think, so they might sound callous or insensitive. They really don't mean to be.  Extroverts think by talking.  They may not know WHAT they think until after they talk it out.  Give them room to stumble over themselves. They really mean well.  There is very rarely any deception or ulterior motivation with an extrovert.
- Extroverts live in the moment. They feel what they feel when they feel it, and they could just as easily feel the opposite way tomorrow. 
- Plans can change and it's a lot more fun to teach yourself to be flexible and to go with the flow.  Few things are more exciting than a roller-coaster of fun planned by an extrovert.  Let yourself be carried away once in a while.  You might like it.
- Your fun friends tend to like straightforward humor, slapstick, and puns rather than the more subtle kinds of humor like irony or satire.  It is easy for them to get carried away and go 'over the top' - guess what.  For the most part, they would appreciate you stopping them and letting them know they have crossed a boundary.
- They may be more physical about expressions of affection.  And impulsive.  Expect the unexpected.


INTROVERTS
These are the poets, the artists, the deep thinkers, the quiet ones.  They might have five people they consider friends throughout their lives but they would sacrifice much for those friends.  They don't socialize easily and tend to hang back in a crowd.  However, a common misconception about introverts is that they only want to be alone, that they are antisocial.  Yes, introverts recharge their emotional batteries by being in their own company. But it is also true that they thrive in the company of one or at the most three very close friends, people with whom they feel safe.  Introverts are their own worst enemies and most of them are very self-critical.  They are extremely sensitive and their emotions bruise easily. They both love and hate with an intensity that can be frightening. They are analytical (often mistaken as cold) and they are often "the voice of reason"  when hotter heads might otherwise prevail.


For extroverts who are friends with introverts, remember these things:
- Introverts need space sometimes.  Too much exposure to too many people for a long time drains them, the same as you are drained by being alone too long.  Give them the option to have some space and some time to themselves after a few fun activities. 
- PLEASE don't try to get an introvert to be more social.  It just makes them more resentful of you.  Introverts interpret "I just think it would be fun" as "I just want to boss you around."
- Try to make some time to spend just with them, one on one.  Introverts blossom with focused attention.  You'll be amazed at the dividends this pays in loyalty.
- Introverts find it very hard to commit to anyone.  Their definition of "friend" more closely resembles "soul-mate" than "play buddy."  Once they consider you a friend, they tend to stay for the long haul.  The down side to this is that they will put up with more than they should before telling you something bothers them.  Their biggest fears are betrayal, rejection/ abandonment, and exposure/ ridicule.
- You need to earn the right to criticize an introvert and that right is earned SLOWLY.  Because they are so fearful and sensitive, they are easily hurt by words, and they may question your motives.  Go gently.  Choose your words carefully; when in doubt, keep quiet.  And if you speak and your words hurt your introvert friend, at least apologize for hurting him/her.  Even if you feel that you were right, the cost of seriously hurting an introvert is a grudge against you that could last a lifetime.


Finally, for both groups, a final word. 

Friends accept each other the way they are.  That means you don't try to change your friend's basic nature, and you respect the right of your friend to make his or her own decisions. Each person is unique.  Carbon copies are not allowed.

It has been said that friendship means that you don't ever have to be careful of what you say to the other person.  Real friends, we are told, will take the wheat with the chaff, sift out the wheat and blow the chaff away.  


Poppycock.  

That's just an excuse someone invented to justify not thinking before he spoke, to make people think it was okay to be a jackass to someone who deserves better, who deserves to be treated with respect.  It's far better for everyone concerned to be good to your friends, to treat them with consideration.  

After all, each true friend is a priceless commodity, not to be taken for granted.