A year ago I would not have known how to handle such a question but tonight I just shook my head and cheerfully said, "Nope!" To which the fellow said, "Us neither." And he laughed.
What he didn't know, and what was none of his business, was that although for many years I considered the person he mentioned a friend, in reality, friendship was not what we had. I ended it over a year and a half ago.
What we had was a codependent relationship (that is, two codependent people feeding off each other), and when I realized how that person's intimidating version of control and my manipulating and victim version of control were not good for me, and ended in me always getting abused over and over again and saying nothing until I exploded - and there was an apology - and the whole thing would start over again, that's when the relationship ended, this time for good. While I was in it, I was just like Charlie Brown... believing Lucy every time when she assures him she won't pull the football out when he tries to kick it. He falls (literally) for it every time. She HAS to control. He's COMPELLED to believe that she doesn't mean to hurt him. And so it goes. Or so it went for me with this person - for over thirty years.
I'm not saying that it was easy. It wasn't. I had spent more than half my life thinking this person was my friend. I had to grieve. Slowly I realized that it was for the best, that this was one more hindrance to my relationship with God, myself, and others... which was now removed from me.
I've said it before; real friends treat each other with the respect they wouldn't get from their families. They are God's way of compensating you for the people in your life that have systematically hurt you.
I read something once by a preacher by the name of Bishop T. D. Jakes. It really touched a chord with me, even before this all happened. I find myself thinking about it tonight, since I started thinking about this person. I don't bear him/her any grudge, do not wish evil upon him/her. I just can't be around him/her anymore and still stay true to the real me. The people in 12-step programs of recovery from such relationships would call this process I'm talking about "detachment." Sometimes people can detach without ending a relationship; sometimes they can't. In this instance I couldn't. Anyway, here is the quote:
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
LET THEM GO!
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person; it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of goodbye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in goodbye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
LET THEM GO!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...
LET THEM GO!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...
LET THEM GO!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...
LET THEM GO!
If someone has angered you...
LET THEM GO!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...
LET THEM GO!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...
LET THEM GO!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...
LET THEM GO!
If you have a bad attitude...
LET THEM GO!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...
LET THEM GO!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......
LET THEM GO!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...
LET THEM GO!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed...
LET THEM GO!
Get Right or Get Left, think about it, and then...
LET THEM GO!
What a gift to be able to say goodbye without holding any ill will. Much of what is fostered in organized religion is an "in-your-face" and "up-your-nose" kind of relationship where your brothers and sisters have to know everything about you, and be involved in every last detail of your life, express their opinions on everything you do, say, think. Whether it's about them or not. If respect is consistently non-existent, if there is a pattern of abuse there, and if there is no indication that it will ever change, it may be time to say goodbye.
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