Cut the Strings

Over the last few days I've been reminded of the tendency - okay the addiction - I have to fix people.  Fix situations, fix relationships, fix feelings.  Especially others' stuff.  

You know what? I know that's not right.  I know it is not good for me.  It's like I am compelled to carry the weight of my world (all the people I know and love, their problems, their stuff) on my shoulders.  It takes up most if not all my attention and leaves me no room - or energy - to take care of my own stuff, to look after me and my own spiritual maintenance. It's extremely draining.  And it's so not necessary.  Truth be told, it's pretty arrogant.  At the root of it, it's like I think the people who are important to me can't deal with their stuff by themselves and need my help.  Hm.  There I go again, grabbing things out of God's hands to control other people and their business - for it truly is His job, not mine.

And it's not like I don't know already.  One of the first things I learned in this process of healing is that I can't change ANYONE, not even one bit.  I remember saying that to someone recently who is still in that vortex of needing to manipulate and control other people.  This person responded that he/she knew that you can't always control other people (emphasis mine), but (and at this point I tuned it mostly out because I know the excuses - they were the same ones I used: things would be so much better if everybody just got along, if everybody just made an effort, if everybody just... just saw things the way I see them...) Later reports from the day revealed that this person tried to get my husband to see things his/her way and make concessions without me around.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. I remember running around like that, trying to get people to do what I wanted.  All the time.  All that got me was the people in my life getting angry at me, resenting me, and doing the exact opposite of what I wanted.  Yet I continued to do it, over and over, expecting different results "this time."  They never happened.  What insanity.... 

Change happened when I finally admitted to myself that I was absolutely powerless over other people, and that in trying to get them to see the light, my life had become totally unmanageable.  I had to literally take my hands off the puppet strings, quit playing God in other people's lives, and take a step backward.  Uncomfortable at first, since it was so new, this posture slowly grew on me and I started to feel more ... free.  I can't explain it any other way than this: I let go.  I learned to let people be who they were, without my input.  To let people do what they wanted - because they were going to do that anyway whether I wanted them to or not.  And not to feel threatened if they chose something other than what I would choose.  

That's why I had such a hard time with people of different faiths, denominations, doctrines, viewpoints.  I felt that if they didn't believe in God or see things the WAY I did, then they were rejecting ME.  How wrong I was!!  I forget who it was now, who told me, "God's a big Boy.  He can look after Himself; He doesn't need you to defend Him."  That set me back on my heels.  

Who I was then and who I am now are two different people - but the cost of freedom is eternal vigilance.  Those old ways of thinking can easily slip back in.  The great thing is that now, I can see those things cropping up in me and cut them off before they get a chance to take root. 

And when I am tempted to go back to that way of thinking, I remember a neat edition of the Serenity Prayer created for people just like me:  "God grant me the Serenity to accept the person I cannot change, Courage to change the person I can, and the Wisdom to know it's me."