Baby Steps

I never go as fast as I want to in my recovery.  

I stumble, I falter, I skin my knees, and I cry.  A lot.

I keep wanting to get to the final result, the picture in my mind of where I want to be.  But my selfish inner core doesn't want to go through the process.

Change is painful.  Growth hurts.  It's worth it, but that doesn't diminish the suffering while the development is taking place.

I get so impatient; I compare myself to those who have been on this journey for a while and they seem to take such large strides.  I have to take ten steps to equal one of theirs.  They slow down for me, and I feel guilty for making them wait.  And at the same time, if they go a little too fast for me, I am so tempted to resent them for making it look so easy and leaving me in the dust. I'm familiar with this feeling in the physical sense too; since I'm under five feet I find it difficult to walk with someone who's over six feet - and often I end up falling and hurting myself when I try to walk as fast as they do to catch up.  I guess that should teach me something in my recovery.

Go at my own pace.  Even if it IS baby-steps, it's my pace and I know the Great One will take all the time that's necessary to help me. He'll wait for me; He'll pick me up when I make mistakes and He'll hold me when I am so tired I just can't walk another step.

And there are times like that.  Sometimes I fall down, sometimes I mess up.  Sometimes the journey seems so long. Other times I worry that it's going so fast I can't keep up, can't catch my breath.

He knows.

I need to just be thankful that I have those who will slow down and walk with me a few steps, and to remember that once I had a hard time even crawling...and others I know are at that stage in their journey.  I slow down for them; why would I need to feel guilty when others slow down for me? God uses them in my life.  And He's in charge of this process of inner healing, which I like to call recovery.  The word gives me hope that there is a day when I will be totally happy, joyous, and free.  When I will be liberated from the obsessions I have and just trust Him completely. 

He'll bring me through it.  He'll let me rest when I need to, and hold me, steady me at every step as I walk through the dark and scary places out into the light.  There is light.

His hand?  Still holding me.  And on His face?  Delight....