Deficit giving

I can always tell when I'm running on empty spiritually.  I start giving and doing things for people that normally I would love...and I feel spent, resentful, and touchy.

I think that the culture I come from encourages deficit spending giving.  The saying, "Give til it hurts" always leaves me saying, "Why?" Even - and sadly, especially - in the church.

I've seen people who come into a church, make a decision to follow Jesus - and the first thing they hear is, "You gotta start doing stuff."  The idea is to get the newcomer involved and serving others as quickly as possible before he or she is even grounded in the basics of the faith.  

The rules and regulations of religion : do this, don't do that, do, do, do... burn the new believer out before he or she even grows any spiritual roots.  Told to pray, for example, the new believer prays.  Before long he or she is faced with an answer from God that is unexpected - "No."  (It happens.)  Instead of being counseled to accept the answer, the disappointed person is told to pray harder because he or she was not praying hard enough.  Or perhaps not enough people were recruited to add strength to those prayers.  Because, goodness knows, if you can't get the answer you want, say it over and over and over again, with more and more intensity - or get others to join you so you can twist God's arm and manipulate Him into getting what you want. (Say what??)

(Why am I reminded of the prophets of Baal on Mount Carmel, shouting and working themselves up into a frenzy, slicing themselves in their "ardor"?)

It all funnels the person into the fallacious belief that humans have to convince God to do what He so desires to do.  So we try and try and try - knock ourselves out - to do what we think is expected of us, to do what we think we "should" be doing (shudder.) And the reason why it doesn't work for us is that we somehow are not doing it right, not doing it enough, or not doing it with enough voices to back us up.

The saddest part is that we truly believe this - some of us never stop believing it - and we burn our candles at both ends and end up incredibly unhappy for a very long time.

Over two years ago, I ran across a different way of approaching life and faith.  Admit you're powerless over yourself and others, believe God can bring balance and sanity to your inner world. Turn your will and your life over to God's care, empty yourself of the hurts of the past and honestly take responsibility for your own part in them. Be willing to have God to remove those character defects and ask (not tell) Him to remove them.  Get to know yourself. Clear away any wreckage you've left in your path.  Keep on top of your self-destructive attitudes, and develop and deepen an intimate relationship with God.  ONLY THEN are you in a position to give to others - from a place of fulness, grace and humility. 

Yes, it is a tall order - and yes, it takes time and a lot of hard work.  But there's one thing I know for sure and can tell you from experience, because I tried all that other stuff and it left me feeling dry, resentful, and jaded.  Since I started on this journey in 2009, I've been able to help quite a few people after going through the hard stuff.  And I have discovered that in this lifestyle of rigorous honesty, openness and willingness, there is one thing that is true more days than not.


I'm happy.

Safe Haven

I must have been about 7 or 8.  My parents went every November to a neighboring city to do their Christmas shopping.  We went to stores several times bigger than the ones in our small town.

We'd gone to one of the biggest stores in this large neighboring town.  Suddenly, I looked up from whatever it was I was looking at, and found myself surrounded by people - none of whom I knew.  My parents were nowhere to be seen.  They had assumed I was with them and moved on to another area of the store.  All I could see was a sea of elbows, purses, and winter coats bustling around.


I was small for my age - but up until that point in my life I had never felt so tiny, so alone, so vulnerable.  My chest hurt, as if it were being squeezed by giant hands.  My breath came in small gasps.  I felt a lump in my throat ... it was getting larger.  Tears stung my eyes as I struggled to see someone - anyone - I knew.  There wasn't anyone.  A vague sense of nausea nagged at me. My mouth was dry - I'd been breathing through it.  My pace quickened.  I began frantically going up and down the aisles, calling out for first one parent, then another.  The purses and coats became a blur as I went from fear to panic.


It seemed like forever to me before I spotted them halfway up the wide staircase and ran over to them, breathless. 

Sometimes even as an adult I have felt the cold fingers of panic creep around my neck. Usually it's the very same reason - fear of losing someone, of being abandoned and alone.  In fact, I lived my life ruled by fear and there were times that it paralyzed me.  

What I didn't realize was that my fear made me overreact and push people away from me.  I took it upon myself to look after them and to make sure that nothing ever happened to them.  But, as Dorie says in Finding Nemo,  "Well, that's kind of dumb.  If you never let anything happen to him then nothing would ever happen to him.  Not much fun for poor Harpo."  I protected them from things I thought would hurt them, even the consequences of their own actions - and I went entirely too far.  When they were 18 and 15, they wanted nothing to do with me, took my caretaking for granted (or resented it) and only tolerated me.  I had never felt so alone, not even when I was in that department store.  And I had only myself to blame.

My epiphany came when I admitted that I was powerless to change them, powerless to fix them, and that they had the right to be who they were without my direction.  In short, I learned to let go.  And when I started to actually release my grip, I found that not only did my own panic level go down, but my loved ones started to relax around me and enjoy my company more.  My relationships with them started to transform. I knew that this was something that I was empowered to do and not something I had the strength to do on my own - for I had tried for many years to change, and couldn't.  All the credit for this miracle goes to God.  Peace and gratitude began to dawn in my life.

And one day I looked around me and discovered that I wasn't alone anymore. My kids enjoyed being around me.  I meant it when I smiled - when I laughed.  I had entered a safe place - a haven where I no longer felt as though I or anyone I loved was under attack or in danger of abandonment.  

I must admit it felt rather strange after all those years of bondage to fear.  But the longer I live in that safe haven, the more at home I feel there.

Tether vs Leash

I grew up in the country - the "sticks."  Actually it was more of a swamp...but we won't go there today.

The attitude of just about everyone who lived there toward their animals was one of ownership.  Whether the cow in the barn, the chicken in the henhouse or the family dog - animals were chattel.  They didn't have feelings.  You could do what you liked with them.  

As a sensitive child growing up in this atmosphere, it galled me when people would leave their animal tied up and only provide food and water for it, then wonder why it got vicious.  

One family's pony was so neglected and treated like the family lawnmower (if it got out of the barn at all), made to carry people far too heavy for it and for far too long a time until the people grew tired of the amusement of their feet dragging on the ground, that it snapped at the people who abused it - and ended up being shot because it "got mean."  Things like that happened all the time.  And when I got incensed about it and wanted to retaliate, I was told it wasn't any of my business, that people had a right to do anything they wanted because it was "their animal."  

I remember as a child being yelled at by a neighbour for spending time with her dog when he was obviously dying of loneliness chained up outside.  The picture of that dog just sitting there, mindlessly winding himself around that pole, and me powerless to help - has haunted me on and off for years.

I found myself thinking about that image recently and I wondered why it would strike me again now, forty years later.  

Then I realized that it was because I've seen too many people dying of loneliness tethered to rules and regulations, living their lives on a tether of shoulds and oughtas.  I lived there for many years.  It's so restrictive, punitive and oppressive - when for me the epitome of relationship with God more closely resembles not a tether, but a leash.  The leash symbolizes being "with" rather than being "left".  

The scenery is ever-changing, but the company is what counts - and something to which I look forward.  Every time.

Awkward!

Okay - this is a rant.  Just sayin'.

I was just reading a fellow-blogger's post at "Daughter of Abba" and it really made me think.  She was talking about how she loves God but hates church.  I'm glad someone was honest enough to say how many of us church-goers feel.

My hat goes off to her.  (Among other things) she calls church members, pastors, and other people in leadership on:
 - favoritism
- hypocrisy
- elitism / cliques
- judgmental attitudes
- guilt trips
- exclusion

And she's right.  Church people are notorious for all of those things and more.  It's why the world looks at things like whassisname's prediction about the Rapture taking place on May 21, 2011 and (when that prediction failed) the world still going to end on October 21, 2011 ... and they laugh their heads off.  I don't blame them.  I would too, if it weren't so tragic.  Okay - so I laughed - for a while. 


The truth is, I always feel so awkward at church, and frankly, I've been embarrassed to admit to the people I work with that I go at all.  

I love God, and yet His people drive me nuts! ... majoring on minors, going off on this tangent or that one (okay, so I do that too), boycotting this or that, protesting something else, and all the while judging those who don't line up with their perfect version of how life should be lived.  (I think everyone knows how I feel about that word "should.")  Most of the time I feel like the rest of the cookie dough that gets tossed aside after someone cuts out the cookies.  I don't fit, and sometimes I feel discarded.  Judged.  Minimized.

I hate it when church people / leaders try to "legislate" friendliness, "dictate" love, "order" people to pray for each other - when these things naturally would flow out of intimate relationship with God.  I abhor the mistaken idea that WE have to do something first, before God will do His work.  Great way to take the credit and pat ourselves on the back for twisting His arm, manipulating Him. How ludicrous is that?  Friggit - God already took the initiative on everything by starting the ball rolling with Jesus - and He gets the glory for everything because even the faith and the strength to do what He wants comes from Him. He said He was the vine and we were the branches. So I don't move until and unless He says so.  Period.  It wastes far less energy that way... and if it means that others judge me for not doing enough - fine.  I live my life for an Audience of One.

Thank you, Daughter of Abba.  Thank you for your honesty.  

Wit's End

It's something experienced by a lot of people.  Usually people in helping professions (doctors, nurses, psychologists, social workers, even those who carry caseloads of disability claims - like those at Workers Compensation or other similar organizations) suffer from it the most.

Psychologists call it 'compassion fatigue' or 'secondary post traumatic stress syndrome.' Oversimplified, it's 'caring too much.'  But realistically, it's impossible to be a caring and loving human being and to NOT be affected with the suffering of other human beings when faced with it on a regular basis.  

So people deal with it in several ways.  One way is to cut off the emotion and relegate that to the back burner, or underground.  This may result in physical illnesses such as ulcers, stomach problems, hypertension. Or clinical depression arising from the feeling that they have done all they can, and it's not enough.

Another way is to wrestle with it.  Anger and frustration ensue - and a whole host of other types of physical problems result: stress-related problems such as diverticulitis, irritable bowel syndrome, back pain, heart trouble, headaches, and even (some believe) fibromyalgia and other chronic pain syndromes.

Still others - fewer and farther between - are honest about the nature of the trauma to which they are exposed. These people acknowledge that there is a toll to be paid when others suffer, and they look for ways to be built up, cared for internally, so that they can have something to give those who are in desperate need of help.

It's not wrong to care.  It's not wrong to be angry about suffering.  But it's also not wrong to know when it's time to step back and gain some perspective.

In the course of my job, for example, I read about a lot of traumatic events, in the words of the individual who has experienced them.  Sometimes, the images those words evoke make it necessary for me to stop once in a while and process things.  And I need to remind myself that unless I am okay with me, I can't be there for those who are looking for my help because I will have nothing left of myself to give.  I must remember to give out of a full spirit and not an empty one.

That's why my rejuvenation times are so important to me.  I have learned that if I don't look after myself and take care of my spirit, I will experience compassion fatigue and be of no use to myself, my husband and family, or my employer.  Maintaining a conscious contact with God, through various means as they present themselves, allows me to keep within my own skin and not try to live anyone else's life for him or her.  It doesn't make me less compassionate; it makes me more capable of empathy when that is warranted.  

It sounds hokey but getting adequate sleep, a balanced diet, and time to call my own really does help keep me from my wit's end. 

Blee-doop

Once in a while I hear a little chirp every so often, coming from another room.  Blee-doop.  Five minutes later, blee-doop.

Graphic "Low Battery" courtesy of
David Castillo at
www.freedigitalphotos.net

My cell phone is asking me to feed it.  I try not to let it get that hungry but sometimes I forget...and it tells me what it needs.  If I ignore it, the battery loses its charge altogether and the sound stops.  That isn't a good thing especially if the phone isn't where I usually keep it! But all I need to do is plug the charger in for a few hours and it soaks up energy like a little sponge, making the phone usable again.


I guess I get like that too.  Battery low.  

I get used too much, take on too much - or go too long without doing things that replenish my energy - and I start blee-dooping at people.  Any people but especially those who are closest to me.  Usually in a very annoying fashion.  This means I get all selfish, self-centred, and nasty with people...unthinking, uncaring.  It happens.  When I catch myself doing it (or occasionally, when a good friend calls me on it) it's never a pleasant experience - but it does alert me to the fact that I have been putting myself out too much and not taking anything in to recharge my batteries.

And occasionally, like today, my batteries get recharged without me having to make the time to do it.  People's sleep schedules were such that I was able to spend some quality time with my hubby before anyone else got up.  We got some shopping done before the stores got crowded.  It was nice - it was leisurely.  And when we did run some errands with one of our crew, it was short and we could spend some more time just relaxing for what seems like the first time in weeks. 

Nobody is like the Energizer Bunny.  We all need recharging.  Some more often than others, perhaps.

Different things drain me:

• I spend time with more than 4 people at a time or even one other person when I feel like I must be on my guard.
• I feel pressured into doing something I don't want to do, and judged when I say no.  Or ... I give in and say yes, and then resent every minute as well as the person who guilted me into it.
• I shop when the department or grocery stores are busy.  (Bad move...my skin starts to crawl and my fuse gets shorter...)



Photo "Blurred People Walking On The Street"
by surasakiStock at www.freedigitalphotos.net

• Or I am around people who are fighting with each other - voices raised, doors slammed, etc.

Blee-doop.

• I go to a gathering - whether church, a team meeting, or whatever - where I feel like nothing is being accomplished and I'm just going through the motions.
• I go without nourishing my spirit (listening to music, reading and meditating on Scripture and my recovery readings).
• Or I let people walk all over me - and don't stand up for what I want, and resentment builds up in me.

Blee-doop.

It doesn't take very long to recharge, just the decision to allow recharging to happen and making time for it if need be.  Thank God for earphones, Youtube, and unexpected quiet moments throughout the day.  Thank God for the beauty of nature.  Thank God for the ability to go for a walk if I need to do that.  Such things feed my soul.  That's what today has been like so far.

And if it changes - I can always go for a walk later - or go visit with some friends in a place where I feel safe and at home.  

That sounds like a plan.

Seize the Day

One of my very favorite movies created in the last few decades is "Hook" starring Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman.  They are brilliant in this flick. 

When Peter is in Neverland, Thud (Raushan Hammond) hands him a bag of marbles and tells Peter that they belong to Tootles, a lost boy who left Neverland and forgot to take them with him.  "These are his happy thoughts," Thud explains.   The only Tootles (played by famous British actor Arthur Malet) that the adult Peter knows is an old man who appeared to have lost his mind, always wandering the rambling old English mansion searching for his marbles.

I think my favorite scene in the movie comes at the end when Peter returns from Neverland back to the real world and gives the marbles back to the now elderly "lost boy."  The hope and excitement is tangible - and contagious!

The message is clear.



 

First Things

I heard this story a few years ago, and I was reminded of it a few hours ago as I sat in a chapel attending the funeral of a dear friend.

Here's the story:

A professor went into a 2nd-year medical school classroom and placed a large empty glass container on his desk, in full view of the students.  "Is this container full?" he asked them.

Confused, they answered no, it was not full.  Then he took some large stones from under the desk and placed them inside the container, right up to the top.  "Is it full now?"  he asked.  

About half of them said yes; half said no.  Then he took another container of pebbles and poured them into the container, shaking the container to make the pebbles filter downward. They filled up the spaces between the stones.  "Is it full now?"

More people caught on. About 3/4 of them said it wasn't full.  He then got a container of sand and poured that into the container with the stones and pebbles. "What about now?" he said.  Most of them said no, it wasn't full yet.

Finally he took a large container of water and poured until everything was wet right up to the top of the container.  "Is it full now?"

Everyone agreed it was.

Then he said, "So what has this object lesson taught us?"

A young woman raised her hand.  "As doctors we are going to be very busy," she said, "but as busy as we are, there will always be room to cram one more thing into our schedules."


"No," said the professor.  "The point is that if you don't put the big rocks in FIRST, they won't fit."

That story comes to my rescue sometimes. 

Much of what goes on in our lives is geared toward making the sand fit first (making money, doing more things, even good things) ...which doesn't leave room for the important things.


Things "fit" so much better when the important things like kindness, mercy, and love are our primary foundation, our first focus.  Then we find that the other things can be added ... and in the right proportions.

Life's way too short to major on minors or to try to shove the big things into our lives after the petty little things have already taken up squatter's rights in our thinking process.


How many times have I missed opportunities to do the right thing while trying to do the most pressing thing?  Behaved out of a knee-jerk reaction rather than thoughtful, prayerful response?  Expected the worst instead of listened to the reasons why someone did or said something? I've lost count.

Today was a reminder to make the best things foundational - and allow the rest of the things to settle into their proper place.  

Just for Today

Just for today I can face the task ahead.

Whether the whole day, a few hours, or the next twenty seconds, whatever the case requires: I can face it.  I can ask for help if I need it...and I can receive that help when it is offered, without feeling guilt or shame.

At no time do I ever know what the path ahead will bring to me.  However, I can trust - for today - that someone has walked it before me. And I can trust the One who forged the path, blazed that trail, whether it is happy or dangerous or sad, frustrating or breathtakingly beautiful.

Today, I will not borrow from tomorrow's troubles.  Tomorrow has enough trouble of its own and I do not have the resources to deal with it until it becomes today.  I will trust God that those resources will come to my aid when I need them - and not before.

Just for today, I will not add to my load by carrying the burdens of yesterday.  I will take them out of my backpack, find out where they belong and put them there.  No matter how long it takes.  Putting yesterday where it belongs lightens my load today and frees me to face it without being sapped of strength.

I will not assume anyone else's burden today, except from a place of understanding and compassion.  I will not try to repair the broken pieces of someone else's life.  That is a task reserved for that person's Creator.  I will be there for that person but I will not shield him or her from living life - no matter how hard that is. Just for today. And with the help of my Creator, I will refuse to succumb to fear for anyone, including myself.  Instead, I will submit to Love.

The gift of today, its joys and its sorrows, its beauty and its tragedy, is a loving and wise gift from above.  I will experience it with gratitude as it unfolds.

Life Now

This morning the house was quiet as hubby and I slipped away for a quiet breakfast together and then to run a few errands.  One of those errands was a small road trip to a place we'd never been to see someone about some supplies for a project we are planning for the summer.  It was just the two of us...traveling on the open road in the sunshine, talking about everything and nothing.

Little moments like that are the stuff that real life is made of.  It's what I think of when I hear the term "abundant life."  

Not the global platitudes of peace on earth and what the world needs now is love sweet love. Not the "we better get busy and work our behinds off before Jesus comes back" kind of stuff.  It's the simple, basic, everyday minutiae.  The tiny details of our existence can make life worth living if we look for them, keep our spiritual eyes open, however you want to put it.  The intricacies of creation have always spoken volumes to me.  A hug from a friend - a smile - time spent in the company of friends in a safe and accepting atmosphere.  These are things that are irreplaceable..

Recently a friend of ours passed away and I've been thinking a fair bit about the expression "Life's too short."  

It's true.  Life IS too short to spend it on things that don't matter.  To waste it on pursuits that are impossible to achieve: perfection, for one.  To NOT take the time to marvel at a bee tumbling out of a flower and flying away when (aerodynamically) it's impossible for it to do so, or the beauty of the sun sparkling on the water ... looking as though the angels are playing "light tag."  

Way too often, I have the tendency to complain and/or criticize instead of compliment and/or commend.  I know I often fall into the trap of focusing on what is lacking in my life instead of being grateful for what I DO have.  As one songwriter (Gordon Jensen) put it, "I've been blessed with more than my share..."  

I think I'll spend a little time today saying two very important words to the people in my life who matter to me.

Thank You.