The reason I so often hear "crickets" (figuratively speaking) when I share something I've been learning is because not everyone is in the same place...and I get that. But it dawned on me this morning that it could also be because our society has for generations misinterpreted the Judeo-Christian message and morphed it into some sort of masochistic self-punishment monster that it was never meant to be.
There's a sign on a church bulletin board outside the building, probably in front of hundreds of churches across North America at one time or another, that says, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it's thinking of yourself less." But most people think that it IS right to think less of themselves - yes, even godly to do so!! So they subscribe to "put the other person first" dogma but the underlying belief is "put the other person first at the expense of yourself" - which leads to burnout and resentment. I hardly think that this is what Jesus referred to when He said that one of the two greatest commandments ever given was, "Love your neighbor AS yourself." (emphasis mine).
So people get all caught up in trying to outdo each other in social situations - oh you know, Johnnie and Sue invited us over to their house a week ago Sunday and they had lasagna and garlic bread - boy was it delicious! We have to do at least as well. So! We're going to invite them over this week and have a BBQ with three kinds of salad, two different types of sausages, steak and chicken, and walking nachos, and cheesecake for dessert! Then Johnnie and Sue feel obligated to at least match the spread - and it turns into a thinly veiled game/war of one-up-man-ship.
Or people stay in abusive relationships because they think that by being nice and taking care of the abuser, he/ she might change. And by abuse I don't mean physical necessarily. I've been in relationships when the person just "uses" me - picks my brain and only has anything to do with me when they want to pick my area of expertise clean. Or they explode and use me to vent their feelings toward someone else, thus involving me in their "stuff" over and over and over again - or they ask me to do favors for them and after awhile, come to expect them. Or they think they have the right to tell me how to live my life, raise my kids, or treat my husband - and use that "right" at every opportunity in order to try to control MY outcome. Or they call themselves my friends ... and appear to take every opportunity to exclude me from their circle. These things have happened over and over again for as far back as I can remember.
I know from experience that people who use people will keep on using people. Even if you DO tell them what they're doing and that it's hurtful. So I've learned - as painful as that process is EVERY TIME - to walk away (either literally or emotionally) from people who consistently use me. Even if there ARE good times, good memories. Even if the person IS a member of my family. Ouch - that one hurts especially, because it usually comes with the sting of disappointment, betrayal and shame. And not entered into lightly, I can tell you.
But the "Christian" thing to do, the "nice" thing to do is to let that person (whoever he or she is, whatever the relationship) walk all over me, apparently. To suffer in silence, to never say anything. Hm. I somehow don't think that it is. Yet ... it is fostered in the church - in western society - and sweeping statements like "family is everything" and "church is family" have swept a multitude of inappropriate behaviors under the carpet and allowed them to be tolerated and glossed over far too long. I held the broom for decades - the rose colored glasses were firmly fixed, the bows welded to my temples. I was in deep denial. "They only lied to me because they care about my feelings." (Denial.) "They're just busy. A LOT." (Denial.) "Oh, he / she is just like that. They didn't mean anything by it." (Denial.) "Maybe if I was even nicer to them they'd like me and spend time with me." (Denial.) "It's wrong for me to be angry and hurt by what so-and-so said / did / didn't say / didn't do. There must be something wrong with my relationship with God." (Denial.)
It all fosters dysfunction in relationships - condoned by our society to the Nth degree in the name of "being nice".
What I had to learn to do was to get comfortable in my own skin - to develop a relationship not only with God FOR ME (not primarily to be a passer-on of prayer requests of other people, but to actually get to KNOW Him), and to develop a relationship with ME - to get to know me (which was really difficult at first because I was such a chameleon to please other people that I didn't know who the real me WAS!), to like myself, and to look after myself. I was running on empty and didn't know that it was okay to care for myself. As a matter of fact, I discovered that it was actually biblical to care for myself first (reference the word "AS" in Jesus' command, above, plus Eph. 5:28, 29 - emphasis on nourish, cherish!!) so that I had enough resources to be able to help others and not get burnt out!
I'm still learning that. Every situation that tempts me into trying to control the outcome, or to be a caretaker when I don't need to be, or to let people use me as a doormat, is one more learning experience. And I do it wrong sometimes. Sometimes I still go back to old patterns of thinking and it always ends up with me messing up the situation and making it worse. But it happens less often than it used to (which was almost all the time...) and because it happens less often, I don't normally let resentment build up and then blow up at people for the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. That was a regular occurrence as little as four years ago. God truly has worked a miracle in my life.
I don't know how to get society or to get church people or other social groups to stop fostering the dysfunction that was so much a part of my life - until it wasn't. I don't even know if it's my place to try to change that. Probably it isn't. I can't do anything to change it. It's just something I keep noticing on a regular basis. The only actions I can take responsibility for are my own. Not my kids', not my husband's, not anyone else's. Just mine!! (I can't begin to tell you how amazingly freeing that is!) But what I CAN do is: I can choose to behave in a non-dysfunctional way in my own life, to like me, to look after me, to live in a close relationship with God, and to help people (not to control them or to create a dependency on me but out of a place of compassion). It's the main reason I wrote my book, and it's one of the reasons I (in spite of my private nature) keep sharing and putting myself out there in this blog (and others). And although feedback is nice, I remind myself frequently that it's not the main reason I do this. I'm just working at being real - and blogging about it helps me shed more and more of my own mummy-wrappings.
Hopefully ... along the way, I will foster FUNCTION - if only by example.
There's a sign on a church bulletin board outside the building, probably in front of hundreds of churches across North America at one time or another, that says, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it's thinking of yourself less." But most people think that it IS right to think less of themselves - yes, even godly to do so!! So they subscribe to "put the other person first" dogma but the underlying belief is "put the other person first at the expense of yourself" - which leads to burnout and resentment. I hardly think that this is what Jesus referred to when He said that one of the two greatest commandments ever given was, "Love your neighbor AS yourself." (emphasis mine).
So people get all caught up in trying to outdo each other in social situations - oh you know, Johnnie and Sue invited us over to their house a week ago Sunday and they had lasagna and garlic bread - boy was it delicious! We have to do at least as well. So! We're going to invite them over this week and have a BBQ with three kinds of salad, two different types of sausages, steak and chicken, and walking nachos, and cheesecake for dessert! Then Johnnie and Sue feel obligated to at least match the spread - and it turns into a thinly veiled game/war of one-up-man-ship.
Or people stay in abusive relationships because they think that by being nice and taking care of the abuser, he/ she might change. And by abuse I don't mean physical necessarily. I've been in relationships when the person just "uses" me - picks my brain and only has anything to do with me when they want to pick my area of expertise clean. Or they explode and use me to vent their feelings toward someone else, thus involving me in their "stuff" over and over and over again - or they ask me to do favors for them and after awhile, come to expect them. Or they think they have the right to tell me how to live my life, raise my kids, or treat my husband - and use that "right" at every opportunity in order to try to control MY outcome. Or they call themselves my friends ... and appear to take every opportunity to exclude me from their circle. These things have happened over and over again for as far back as I can remember.
But the "Christian" thing to do, the "nice" thing to do is to let that person (whoever he or she is, whatever the relationship) walk all over me, apparently. To suffer in silence, to never say anything. Hm. I somehow don't think that it is. Yet ... it is fostered in the church - in western society - and sweeping statements like "family is everything" and "church is family" have swept a multitude of inappropriate behaviors under the carpet and allowed them to be tolerated and glossed over far too long. I held the broom for decades - the rose colored glasses were firmly fixed, the bows welded to my temples. I was in deep denial. "They only lied to me because they care about my feelings." (Denial.) "They're just busy. A LOT." (Denial.) "Oh, he / she is just like that. They didn't mean anything by it." (Denial.) "Maybe if I was even nicer to them they'd like me and spend time with me." (Denial.) "It's wrong for me to be angry and hurt by what so-and-so said / did / didn't say / didn't do. There must be something wrong with my relationship with God." (Denial.)
It all fosters dysfunction in relationships - condoned by our society to the Nth degree in the name of "being nice".
What I had to learn to do was to get comfortable in my own skin - to develop a relationship not only with God FOR ME (not primarily to be a passer-on of prayer requests of other people, but to actually get to KNOW Him), and to develop a relationship with ME - to get to know me (which was really difficult at first because I was such a chameleon to please other people that I didn't know who the real me WAS!), to like myself, and to look after myself. I was running on empty and didn't know that it was okay to care for myself. As a matter of fact, I discovered that it was actually biblical to care for myself first (reference the word "AS" in Jesus' command, above, plus Eph. 5:28, 29 - emphasis on nourish, cherish!!) so that I had enough resources to be able to help others and not get burnt out!
I'm still learning that. Every situation that tempts me into trying to control the outcome, or to be a caretaker when I don't need to be, or to let people use me as a doormat, is one more learning experience. And I do it wrong sometimes. Sometimes I still go back to old patterns of thinking and it always ends up with me messing up the situation and making it worse. But it happens less often than it used to (which was almost all the time...) and because it happens less often, I don't normally let resentment build up and then blow up at people for the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. That was a regular occurrence as little as four years ago. God truly has worked a miracle in my life.
I don't know how to get society or to get church people or other social groups to stop fostering the dysfunction that was so much a part of my life - until it wasn't. I don't even know if it's my place to try to change that. Probably it isn't. I can't do anything to change it. It's just something I keep noticing on a regular basis. The only actions I can take responsibility for are my own. Not my kids', not my husband's, not anyone else's. Just mine!! (I can't begin to tell you how amazingly freeing that is!) But what I CAN do is: I can choose to behave in a non-dysfunctional way in my own life, to like me, to look after me, to live in a close relationship with God, and to help people (not to control them or to create a dependency on me but out of a place of compassion). It's the main reason I wrote my book, and it's one of the reasons I (in spite of my private nature) keep sharing and putting myself out there in this blog (and others). And although feedback is nice, I remind myself frequently that it's not the main reason I do this. I'm just working at being real - and blogging about it helps me shed more and more of my own mummy-wrappings.
Hopefully ... along the way, I will foster FUNCTION - if only by example.
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