The last time it happened, I was at a meeting of a rather large number of people stuffed into a rather small room, barely big enough to accommodate the conference room table and the 25 or so chairs around it; there were over fifty people there, so there were chairs along the walls. I sat in one of those, one chair away from a storage table that was there to hold supplies or whatever the presenters wanted to store. It was located half-way down the length of the main table. Half of the people sat to the north of this table, half to the south. A friend of mine, my neighbor at work, sat beside me.
I was okay while folks were giving speeches and presentations. And then it happened. The catered food was brought in, set on the table next to my friend, and they devised a plan for people to come to the table. They laid out the rules and got everyone to stand up in order to form an orderly line. But depending on whether people were on my end of the table or not, they followed the rules. Or didn't. Folks on my end of the table were so close to the food they could smell it so they just decided to go in the opposite direction. Nobody knew what was happening - but a few more got the idea and started to push past me toward the food table.
The result was chaos in my little corner. I was in the middle of a human maelstrom. People were stepping over each other's toes, jostling each other's elbows and bumping into each other in their eagerness to get to the pizza boxes before their favorite kind of pizza was all eaten.
The monster struck so fast that I didn't have time to think; it was just suddenly there ... and I reacted. It felt like a hard, calloused hand grabbed my throat and started to squeeze. I began to hyperventilate, couldn't get enough air. My skin felt like ants were crawling over it.
Someone else pushed by me. All I wanted to do was leave - I felt like I couldn't breathe unless I got out. But there were 25 or more people between me and the door in a little passageway wide enough to only accommodate ONE person if there was a clear path. There wasn't. I was stuck and I knew it. I couldn't get out.
I think I lashed out verbally against someone who crossed my path at that point. Something about sitting down and waiting until the pigs got finished at the trough, I think. The person thought I was angry with her. I barely had the presence of mind to say it wasn't her. Instinct trumped common sense. I was wildly looking around for a way to close myself into a bubble, to retreat into someplace safe for me.
Finally I saw my chair, sitting about four feet away. I dove through a hole in the crowd and flung myself into the seat - my back to the wall. Something about knowing the wall was there behind me and that nobody else could approach me from that direction, allowed the grip around my throat to loosen a bit. Just a bit. I let my neighbor know I needed to sit - my voice came out more like a squawk than my normal voice; she looked alarmed at my appearance. "Aren't you going to get some food?" I shook my head swiftly. "Not right now," I squawked out.
I swallowed. Hard. Self-preservation still flailing around inside of me, I forced myself to close my eyes. Slowly, the voices around me became muffled and indistinct. I made myself breathe slowly, evenly. One voice was a little closer than the others, and her voice rose in tone at the end of what she said. She was asking me something.
I opened my eyes. "Did you want me to get you a piece of pizza?" my neighbor repeated.
"Um - I - well..."
"There's chicken and spinach pizza and Hawaiian pizza right here beside me. I could grab you a slice of one of those."
"Um." The simplest decision was agonizing. "H-Hawaiian I guess. Thanks." I managed a wan smile and returned to my breathing. Five breaths. Six. Seven. The knot in my stomach started to loosen. The hand around my throat was still there, but it wasn't squeezing.
I heard her voice again. "There. At least you'll get something to eat." She handed me a slice of pizza, still warm even after all that.
Deep breath. "Thank you," I said, and called her by name.
She had helped me anchor myself, keep my back to the wall, retreat to a safe place. She looked after me while I was looking after myself.
I'm not sure if she knew how much she helped me, or even what it was she was helping me with. And I'm not sure if I ever told her how much I appreciated her kindness in the midst of my inner storm.
All I remember thinking is that I survived it. That time.
I was okay while folks were giving speeches and presentations. And then it happened. The catered food was brought in, set on the table next to my friend, and they devised a plan for people to come to the table. They laid out the rules and got everyone to stand up in order to form an orderly line. But depending on whether people were on my end of the table or not, they followed the rules. Or didn't. Folks on my end of the table were so close to the food they could smell it so they just decided to go in the opposite direction. Nobody knew what was happening - but a few more got the idea and started to push past me toward the food table.
The result was chaos in my little corner. I was in the middle of a human maelstrom. People were stepping over each other's toes, jostling each other's elbows and bumping into each other in their eagerness to get to the pizza boxes before their favorite kind of pizza was all eaten.
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| HERE is where I got this photo! |
The monster struck so fast that I didn't have time to think; it was just suddenly there ... and I reacted. It felt like a hard, calloused hand grabbed my throat and started to squeeze. I began to hyperventilate, couldn't get enough air. My skin felt like ants were crawling over it.
Someone else pushed by me. All I wanted to do was leave - I felt like I couldn't breathe unless I got out. But there were 25 or more people between me and the door in a little passageway wide enough to only accommodate ONE person if there was a clear path. There wasn't. I was stuck and I knew it. I couldn't get out.
I think I lashed out verbally against someone who crossed my path at that point. Something about sitting down and waiting until the pigs got finished at the trough, I think. The person thought I was angry with her. I barely had the presence of mind to say it wasn't her. Instinct trumped common sense. I was wildly looking around for a way to close myself into a bubble, to retreat into someplace safe for me.
Finally I saw my chair, sitting about four feet away. I dove through a hole in the crowd and flung myself into the seat - my back to the wall. Something about knowing the wall was there behind me and that nobody else could approach me from that direction, allowed the grip around my throat to loosen a bit. Just a bit. I let my neighbor know I needed to sit - my voice came out more like a squawk than my normal voice; she looked alarmed at my appearance. "Aren't you going to get some food?" I shook my head swiftly. "Not right now," I squawked out.
I swallowed. Hard. Self-preservation still flailing around inside of me, I forced myself to close my eyes. Slowly, the voices around me became muffled and indistinct. I made myself breathe slowly, evenly. One voice was a little closer than the others, and her voice rose in tone at the end of what she said. She was asking me something.
I opened my eyes. "Did you want me to get you a piece of pizza?" my neighbor repeated.
"Um - I - well..."
"There's chicken and spinach pizza and Hawaiian pizza right here beside me. I could grab you a slice of one of those."
"Um." The simplest decision was agonizing. "H-Hawaiian I guess. Thanks." I managed a wan smile and returned to my breathing. Five breaths. Six. Seven. The knot in my stomach started to loosen. The hand around my throat was still there, but it wasn't squeezing.
I heard her voice again. "There. At least you'll get something to eat." She handed me a slice of pizza, still warm even after all that.
Deep breath. "Thank you," I said, and called her by name.
She had helped me anchor myself, keep my back to the wall, retreat to a safe place. She looked after me while I was looking after myself.
I'm not sure if she knew how much she helped me, or even what it was she was helping me with. And I'm not sure if I ever told her how much I appreciated her kindness in the midst of my inner storm.
All I remember thinking is that I survived it. That time.
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