Phostered Phonies

The culture we live in discourages certain behaviors and encourages others based on what it thinks and / or believes is important.  It's not just endemic to one particular subculture or social group, it's pandemic across our entire culture to treat certain actions as laudable and others as lousy - and some of them literally make no sense to me.  To my way of thinking, some actions that are commonly praised need to be exposed and deplored; some which are discouraged need to be re-examined and considered carefully as models upon which to base our interactions with each other. 

In today's culture, for example, in response to a simple question, "How are you?" the answer "Great!" is encouraged - even if you're dying inside.  The answer "Lousy," though honest (which is the goal, right?) is criticized as undesirable, a "downer." Or in the church setting, "not speaking in faith." Even the response, "Okay," is suspect.  ("Just okay?  You should be joyful! deliriously happy! Great!") So I've started to compile a list of some of the more commonly accepted / condoned practices, those ones which foster dysfunctional relationships, phoniness, and judgment, and which reject healthy relationships, honesty, and acceptance.  

1. Segregation.  Oops, I mean mens' (or ladies') groups and/or getaways.  Church is notorious for these. While paying lip service to marriage and family, these groups /events can foster the exact thing that they claim they are trying to avoid.  "Spend more time paying attention to your wives, men. And to help you do that, we're going to get you to leave them at home for three days straight while you hang out with each other and 'bond.' Yeah, golf to your heart's content, spend the family finances on a hotel bill and green fees, and don't be there with your wives and families the only time in the week that you get to spend with them."  Same thing with ladies' groups - also known as women's retreats.  "Okay, ladies... here's how to save your marriages. Rob your men of the joy of sleeping in with you on the one day they can do so per week, so you can go grouse about them behind their backs with a bunch of girls, get fifty-dollar facials ... and play slumber party."   I just don't get it. Then again, I've never been big on girly-girl stuff.  But I digress.  I'd prefer to see "couple's retreats" or "family retreats." Wouldn't that be radical.
   
   
2. Manipulation.  Oh, come on. This is HUGE!!  Everything from "come to the social gathering, there'll be free food" to "oh, he won't mind. All I gotta do is look at him and bat my eyes and say 'please' with a little pout.  He'll come around" to the classic guilt trip mothers give about all those hours of labour and how the child somehow "owes" them for that. It's everywhere!! Control the other guy through manipulation.  Or intimidation.  (Such as implying that someone is not a good wife/mother/husband/father/son/daughter/friend if that person doesn't do a specific action that is all the rage, like oh, I dunno, go to church every time the doors are open, or watching a certain movie that "everyone" is watching). 
   
   
3. Sexism.  Yes, you heard me!! I hear it all the time.  "All men are lazy messy pigs."   (Uh, no they're not.) Or "All blonde [or pretty] women are dumb."  (uh, beg pardon, but ... NO.)  And the most intricate of mental yoga moves (i.e., twisting the mind into a pretzel shape) to account for the many MANY exceptions to whatever sexist rule we hear and believe (really? after all this time?)  ....one of those pretzel moves I heard recently was the "80/20 rule."  I couldn't believe my ears.  That is (giving the example of men and untidiness) 80% of men are slobs and 20% are not, whereas 80% of women are neat freaks and 20% aren't.  Hm.  It doesn't wash with me.  I happen to believe that people are people - - you know, human beings.  Gender - or should I say hormone level - does determine a tendency to do certain things.  But to justify your need to grouse about the opposite gender just because your own life sucks or because you consider your own gender to be superior to the other - is kind of a giant step backward, no matter what gender you are.
   
   



Source (via Google Images):
http://vi.sualize.us/view/8c5074cff0e59aa428a3fc85cebd1c7d/
(classic manipulation through guilt)

4. Bullying. Oh, I'm not talking about the classic bullying that is so much the topic of news stories and so forth.  The kind I mean can take several forms: minimizing another's accomplishments by finding fault with them (how about stopping a conversation or reducing it to a whisper with sidelong glances when that someone comes in the room?) or even the socially acceptable practice known as "practical jokes."  (These, in my opinion, are neither funny nor practical, and if continued, can cause someone to seriously consider the ultimate escape from life.) I see it happen in all spheres of life - work, church, school, other social groups - and in every case it is seen as, "Well, that's just so-and-so.  He's/ she's harmless."  Tell that to every teen who has considered purchasing a one-way ticket to the Other Side because they never get a break from it - and they don't foresee it stopping when they graduate. Or go into the workforce. 
   
   
5. Fatalism.  The "I can't help it, it's just me" mentality can be not only defeatist, but it can be used as an excuse for inexcusable behavior.  Just saying.
   
   
   The truth is, of course, that not one person can change him or herself.  Only God can change the heart. The choice then becomes, am I willing to give it to God and give Him carte blanche to change me in this or that area? 
   
   
   If we are serious about developing relationship with God, perhaps it's time to revisit some of these areas in our own lives.  I've given my opinion on them to spark thought and reflection.  You don't have to agree with my take on things; that's not important - but if I've caused someone to pause and rethink the way he or she thinks and acts, then perhaps this post has been worth the risk.