I was sharing my story with a friend today. I likened my existence before God got me to the place where I would actually let Him heal me inside, to living life with a big "kick me" sign on the back of me...one which I never knew existed and just wondered why people kept being compelled to hurt me and then laugh over it. And even after I knew it was there, I was powerless to remove it, couldn't reach it.
That "kick me" sign would manifest this way, with variations on a general theme. Through the things which happened to me, I grew up with the belief that I was worthless, that I was never going to be good enough to please anyone. Hence was born the 'kick me' sign. It was a natural sabotage that kicked in. I didn't understand that the sabotage was a natural magnet I had in me - based on that very belief - that would compel people I admired or wanted as friends to dismiss, belittle, or otherwise abuse me. And once it started, others jumped on the bandwagon and I was left bewildered, hurt, breathless. It happened every time. I truly believed that I had only a few friends, that very few people would even bother with me - and those who did, would run away screaming.
I needed help. I didn't even know I needed it, but I did. Yet I didn't have the courage or the self-confidence to ask for it. My whole existence was lived for others. So God used that and over the years, allowed me to get into a pretty bad predicament - with someone else. When that person's predicament (which was inextricably bound to mine) became desperate, things came to a head. To help him, I reached out (typically of me, to reach for it in an effort to help someone else I loved, never for myself) and someone came alongside me. That person very gently helped me realize that I was the one in need of help, pointed out where the sign was... and by being alongside me and walking through the healing process with me, reached over and slowly but steadily freed me of that sign. It took months. But it happened, slowly but surely.
As it did, my relationships with people changed because - quite frankly - I was changing. My beliefs about myself, about my place in the world, were shifting. As they did, those relationships that I was in which were not healthy, ended. Those that just needed work, were transformed. Broken ones - they were restored. And something else started happening. I was led to people - or were they led to me? - with whom I developed friendships... the most unlikely of friendships for me, ones I never would have dreamed I would have. For the first time in my life, the people in my life treated me like an equal. Nobody looked down their noses at me; no one put me on a pedestal and looked up to me. It was so freeing...
Best of all, I said goodbye to that cursed old 'kick me' sign.
That "kick me" sign would manifest this way, with variations on a general theme. Through the things which happened to me, I grew up with the belief that I was worthless, that I was never going to be good enough to please anyone. Hence was born the 'kick me' sign. It was a natural sabotage that kicked in. I didn't understand that the sabotage was a natural magnet I had in me - based on that very belief - that would compel people I admired or wanted as friends to dismiss, belittle, or otherwise abuse me. And once it started, others jumped on the bandwagon and I was left bewildered, hurt, breathless. It happened every time. I truly believed that I had only a few friends, that very few people would even bother with me - and those who did, would run away screaming.
I needed help. I didn't even know I needed it, but I did. Yet I didn't have the courage or the self-confidence to ask for it. My whole existence was lived for others. So God used that and over the years, allowed me to get into a pretty bad predicament - with someone else. When that person's predicament (which was inextricably bound to mine) became desperate, things came to a head. To help him, I reached out (typically of me, to reach for it in an effort to help someone else I loved, never for myself) and someone came alongside me. That person very gently helped me realize that I was the one in need of help, pointed out where the sign was... and by being alongside me and walking through the healing process with me, reached over and slowly but steadily freed me of that sign. It took months. But it happened, slowly but surely.
As it did, my relationships with people changed because - quite frankly - I was changing. My beliefs about myself, about my place in the world, were shifting. As they did, those relationships that I was in which were not healthy, ended. Those that just needed work, were transformed. Broken ones - they were restored. And something else started happening. I was led to people - or were they led to me? - with whom I developed friendships... the most unlikely of friendships for me, ones I never would have dreamed I would have. For the first time in my life, the people in my life treated me like an equal. Nobody looked down their noses at me; no one put me on a pedestal and looked up to me. It was so freeing...
Best of all, I said goodbye to that cursed old 'kick me' sign.
:) Glad you've left the sign in the trash instead of reapplying it.. and glad you are part of the crowd now that doesn't believe in putting new ones back up.
ReplyDeleteMe too, my friend. Me too.
ReplyDeleteI was powerless to remove the sign myself; it was removed for me without my even being aware. Perhaps, like Punchinello's dots - it just didn't stick anymore as I spent more time with Unconditional Love. (See my blog "You are Special" http://get-unwrapped.blogspot.com/2011/03/you-are-special.html ).