"Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken."
- - Oscar Wilde
The injunction to "be yourself" used to frustrate me so much. The struggle to be authentic just didn't work for me - I was always changing to suit the person I was with, a real chameleon. It took me a long time to figure out why I just couldn't "be myself."
I didn't know who "me" really was. I'd never gotten to know myself, I was taught never to trust myself, and certainly didn't like myself (at least the self I thought I was). The person I had become was someone who survived an abusive past, had to adopt certain coping mechanisms to survive that intact, and retained those coping mechanisms, using them on others in my life when those behaviors were no longer necessary. It's in a small way the same process that soldiers go through after witnessing atrocities overseas and being afraid for their lives while in a war zone, and then returning home where it's safe. But they are still on "red alert." Never able to shut the warning bells off, they lose the joy they used to have in their social, family, and recreational pursuits.
With me, my childhood was such that I felt that I needed to control something - anything - anyone - to give myself a sense of balance. But even when I got what I wanted (and I did at times) the victory was a hollow one. More times than not, it drove people away, made them not want to hang around me. I needed so intensely that people were scared away by it. I opened myself up to people too quickly, too deeply - and they accused me of playing the victim. But it got me attention, and I ate that up. I did the same thing with my husband - controlled him by manipulating, guilting him into doing things for me. He loved me, and he did things for me anyway because he loved me, but there were times that I am sure he wished I would just grow up and "get it."
And then when I had children, I tried to control them too. It was okay at first because they were little and they didn't know any better. But as they got older, they started to resent my controlling ways. By that time I was hopelessly addicted to it and couldn't have stopped it even if I had tried. I had to control what they said, did, watched, listened to, thought and believed. At the same time I was dealing with a husband who had become an alcoholic without my permission. I tried to control him and he just drank more. When I confronted him, he was contrite and then went and drank behind my back and then lied about it. I did all the wrong things: I poured the stuff down the sink, threatened to leave, yelled, withheld sex, gave him the silent treatment, and complained about him to the children. They loved him - and they seemed to hate me. I was so confused and upset. I wanted everyone to be happy and of course they couldn't be happy unless and until they were like me. (Oh really? was I happy??)
When I hit my lowest point in December 2008, and realized that I needed help to be able to "help my husband" with his drinking problem - I found a family counselor who "clicked" with me. I believe God brought that relationship into being when the time was right.
I distinctly remember sitting in my counselor's office, early in the process, and him telling me that along the way, in looking after everyone else in my life, I had lost myself and that I needed to find me again. I broke - shattered into scores of confused pieces inside. "I don't even know who that person is!" I sobbed. "And I am SO afraid that even if I find out who she is, I won't like her!"
Truth about myself began inside of me on that day. That was the beginning of my healing process, my recovery from that obsessional mind-set, that need to control. I did start to find myself finally - and to my surprise I discovered that I actually was (and am) starting to like that person.
Who knew?
I needed to control, for all those years, because I hurt so much. Over the course of the following year in this process of inner healing, I learned how to let God enter those wounds, to let Him have those hurts and take them away. Once I didn't hurt anymore, I didn't need to control people anymore. I learned to "lighten up." My kids noticed the change, and they started to like me for the first time since they were very young. And my husband - well, I'll just say that a month ago he celebrated 18 months of sobriety, on his own journey of recovery that has somewhat mirrored my own...
And the best part is, I didn't have anything to do with it. YAY GOD!!
- - Oscar Wilde
The injunction to "be yourself" used to frustrate me so much. The struggle to be authentic just didn't work for me - I was always changing to suit the person I was with, a real chameleon. It took me a long time to figure out why I just couldn't "be myself."
I didn't know who "me" really was. I'd never gotten to know myself, I was taught never to trust myself, and certainly didn't like myself (at least the self I thought I was). The person I had become was someone who survived an abusive past, had to adopt certain coping mechanisms to survive that intact, and retained those coping mechanisms, using them on others in my life when those behaviors were no longer necessary. It's in a small way the same process that soldiers go through after witnessing atrocities overseas and being afraid for their lives while in a war zone, and then returning home where it's safe. But they are still on "red alert." Never able to shut the warning bells off, they lose the joy they used to have in their social, family, and recreational pursuits.
With me, my childhood was such that I felt that I needed to control something - anything - anyone - to give myself a sense of balance. But even when I got what I wanted (and I did at times) the victory was a hollow one. More times than not, it drove people away, made them not want to hang around me. I needed so intensely that people were scared away by it. I opened myself up to people too quickly, too deeply - and they accused me of playing the victim. But it got me attention, and I ate that up. I did the same thing with my husband - controlled him by manipulating, guilting him into doing things for me. He loved me, and he did things for me anyway because he loved me, but there were times that I am sure he wished I would just grow up and "get it."
And then when I had children, I tried to control them too. It was okay at first because they were little and they didn't know any better. But as they got older, they started to resent my controlling ways. By that time I was hopelessly addicted to it and couldn't have stopped it even if I had tried. I had to control what they said, did, watched, listened to, thought and believed. At the same time I was dealing with a husband who had become an alcoholic without my permission. I tried to control him and he just drank more. When I confronted him, he was contrite and then went and drank behind my back and then lied about it. I did all the wrong things: I poured the stuff down the sink, threatened to leave, yelled, withheld sex, gave him the silent treatment, and complained about him to the children. They loved him - and they seemed to hate me. I was so confused and upset. I wanted everyone to be happy and of course they couldn't be happy unless and until they were like me. (Oh really? was I happy??)
When I hit my lowest point in December 2008, and realized that I needed help to be able to "help my husband" with his drinking problem - I found a family counselor who "clicked" with me. I believe God brought that relationship into being when the time was right.
I distinctly remember sitting in my counselor's office, early in the process, and him telling me that along the way, in looking after everyone else in my life, I had lost myself and that I needed to find me again. I broke - shattered into scores of confused pieces inside. "I don't even know who that person is!" I sobbed. "And I am SO afraid that even if I find out who she is, I won't like her!"
Truth about myself began inside of me on that day. That was the beginning of my healing process, my recovery from that obsessional mind-set, that need to control. I did start to find myself finally - and to my surprise I discovered that I actually was (and am) starting to like that person.
Who knew?
I needed to control, for all those years, because I hurt so much. Over the course of the following year in this process of inner healing, I learned how to let God enter those wounds, to let Him have those hurts and take them away. Once I didn't hurt anymore, I didn't need to control people anymore. I learned to "lighten up." My kids noticed the change, and they started to like me for the first time since they were very young. And my husband - well, I'll just say that a month ago he celebrated 18 months of sobriety, on his own journey of recovery that has somewhat mirrored my own...
And the best part is, I didn't have anything to do with it. YAY GOD!!
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