Listening without preconceptions

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
 ~ ~ Albert Einstein

There are many different applications of the above quote. While I have been considered by some to have a mediocre mind from time to time (and the realization that the other person views me this way is not a pleasant thing), I have occasionally been on the other side of the saying too. 

I was reminded of it a few months ago, when someone mistook my identification with and support of those who suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts to mean that I was suicidal myself. I wasn't, of course. But I feel things deeply, and I was going through some pretty intense emotional stuff at the time, so the person's interpretation of my statement, "I can understand why some people actually consider committing suicide," to mean, "I'm thinking of killing myself," led to a very uncomfortable confrontation which I did not ask for, and which I was not at all prepared to handle. 

The person's over-the-top reaction made me feel as though I was being bullied; it only added to my emotional angst.  Had I truly been suicidal, I believe that this person's reaction would have pushed me over the edge. I told her so the next time I saw her (she cornered me), and she dismissed my confrontation as me being "offended."  Hmm, yes I was offended - deeply - and I felt it was necessary to tell her that the way she handled my emotional state was inappropriate and heavy-handed. Yet she totally missed the point and continued (condescendingly) to believe that she was a caring person, one who had my best interests at heart.

That was not my perception at all. However, after I got over my initial reaction to being verbally assaulted, I was able to reflect on the situation and learn some very important lessons. 

First, I learned to never reveal my deeper emotions to people whom I do not totally trust.  This person had not earned the right to speak to me in such a controlling and intimidating way. I should not have let her know any of what was going on inside. 

Second, I learned (through watching her behavior) what NOT to do when someone has revealed that they are struggling with some heavy stuff.  I learned that one does NOT command, talk down at, or otherwise force a conversation, that when I talk to someone about emotional issues, I need to get my head on the same physical plane as theirs. If they are sitting, I sit. If they are standing, I stand - I meet them face to face, not from a position of "less than" or "more than." I need to phrase my reactions in terms of "I" statements instead of "you" statements (for example, "You should," or "You have got to..." which immediately puts the hurting person on the defensive.)  I need to listen to them and not to fill silences with a constant stream of talk, talk, talk.  And I need to ask permission to have the conversation in the first place, or do any other kind of intervention, at all times treating the person with respect. 

None of that happened in the situation I described.  I felt more like a kid called into the principal's office for something he didn't even do: condemned before I even started, and not believed when I proclaimed my innocence.

Photo "Psychologist Listening To Patient"
courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at
www.freedigitalphotos.net

Finally, I learned that (too) many people are uncomfortable with strong emotion expressed by someone else; they don't know how to let it be what it is, or to deal with it (especially so-called "negative" emotion) on a personal level, and they want so desperately not to feel uncomfortable. Therefore, they will do or say ANYthing to get it to stop, even if it means emotional bullying. This is where my adaptation of Einstein's quote comes to bear: Those with the capacity for great or deep emotion are always going to encounter violent opposition from those without that capacity (either by choice or by design). So, my soul, be careful - guard your heart because it is the most precious commodity you have. Do not let it be pulled into mediocrity, or dismissed by those who cannot hope to understand. Feel what you feel, yes, but choose carefully how and to whom you reveal those feelings. 

If that sounds arrogant, so be it. For me, it is all part of self-care.

The whole experience has been an important part of my understanding of what a professional psychologist is and what he/she does. These lessons will stand me in good stead when I become a therapist someday. 

Her Red Badge of Courage

I hadn't seen her for months. Her appearance, aside from a few cosmetic changes such as hair color and style, seemed pretty much the same. However, I'd heard some of her story through the grapevine, and although I didn't quite know what to say to her, I knew that this was a connection I needed to make. 

She invited me to sit down. 

The conversation was brief - perhaps fifteen or twenty minutes - but as I expressed my condolences for the loss of her husband several months previous, she began to share some of her memories and experiences of his last few months, of his passing, and of how she coped with those first few months of living life without him. 

"Lonely Woman On The Beach"
photo courtesy of 
Sira Anamwong at
www.freedigitalphotos.net

She talked about how she had wanted to keep her job, how she knew that life would be unbearably hard but that it would be even harder without a steady source of income ... and him gone. She described how she had to sell her home and make fundamental lifestyle changes - all while she was going through the grieving process. Occasionally a tear would well up and trickle from her eye. When it reached her cheek, she'd reach up and brush it aside, as if it was something of a bother.

As she spoke, I was struck by how incredibly vulnerable she was, and how very brave in the midst of her vulnerability. I have a very dear friend who lost her husband a few years ago, and so I wanted to acknowledge how much she had suffered and was still suffering. I glanced down. Somehow my hand had reached across the table and hers was grasping it. The gesture made my throat feel thick, tight.

I pointed to her identification tag, her access to the workplace. "That's your red badge of courage," I told her. "It is a symbol of the bravery you show every single moment as you put one foot in front of the other and go through your day." She smiled - a peculiar expression mixed into it - and said that not many people realize how much a part of every day that pain is. 

"I have a close friend who lost her husband a few years ago. She still misses him so much."

She wiped away another tear. We talked a little bit about how she still felt his presence, relied on his strength, even now. I couldn't - dared not - imagine how I would have managed in her situation. I'm sure I would have lost my mind. 

As I got to my feet, she got to hers... and hugged me ... one of those heart-felt hugs you can sense isn't based on expectations. "Thank you. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me." 

I'm not exactly sure what exact "thing" she meant, and I don't need to know. All I know is that at that moment, deep inside, I was keenly aware that I had been at the right place at the right time for the right person ... and somehow, said the right thing. 

It was so humbling to be a part of that.

Life Lived Well - Adieu

This evening I learned that someone I've known since 1976 passed away in hospital in the wee hours of this morning.  He was 87 years old.

When I first met him, he was just a little older than I am now.  I had a crush on one of his boys - what can I say, he was attractive and I was sixteen! - but he was 20-ish and "too old for me" ;)  and so he introduced me to his younger brother, whom I dated for a little while.  During that time, I got a chance to meet his dad, this wonderful man.  He had such a quick wit and dry humour that I was constantly doing double-takes! 

But it was his heart that touched me most.  I instinctively knew that I could trust him and his lovely wife.  They were the salt of the earth. This man was a living example of a Christian life lived well, doing no harm, doing good, being kind, quietly, unobtrusively.

I'll never forget when I was pregnant with my 2nd child.  It was early in the pregnancy and I had been having morning sickness for a few weeks; I kept getting weaker and weaker, reduced to crackers and water.  This one day I looked at my active 2-year-old, and I didn't have the strength to even change her night-time diaper.  I reached for the phone and the first people I could think to call was this beautiful couple, then in their mid to late 60s, bent over but still willing.  I knew that I could count on them.  They arrived about 20 minutes later.  She busied herself with my 2-year-old and he asked where the vacuum cleaner was.  

Sitting on the sofa, I watched them, and the tears of gratitude were trickling down my face.  I had been totally unaware of how sick I was. Their kindness and my helplessness  made me realize that I needed help, and I went to the emergency ward that afternoon.  They kept me on intravenous fluids for 4 days and on a liquid diet for another day before sending me home.  I had been seriously dehydrated, near organ failure when I got to the E.R.

I believe this man and his wife helped to save my life.

When my husband's father died in 2004, my children kind of "adopted" this godly couple as their honorary grandparents.  Their presence, their constancy, helped our teens through the grieving process; I'll bet they never even knew it. 

We let him and his wife know several times and in several ways how much we appreciated them.  We admired his quick turn of phrase, his quirky sense of humour (he thought in puns and/or in literal terms) and his kindness to any and all who crossed his path.  

There is no doubt in my mind where the real man I grew to love and admire is right now.  I can't help thinking about an old hymn called "My Ain Countree" which says in part (I will use the English translation instead of the Scottish burr), "The hills are flecked with flowers, many-tinted, fresh and gay, the birdies warble blithely, for my Father made them so - but these sights and these sounds will as nothing be to me, when I hear the angels singing in my own country."  

His was a life lived well - to God (à Dieu) - and that's exactly what he's still doing.

Bouquets Raised

Someone reminded me yesterday or the day before of a story told by Corrie ten Boom, well-known Christian author and speaker, survivor of the Holocaust, and much more.  Her book The Hiding Place is still a must-read for those looking to increase their faith.  I just checked and yes, it is available through Amazon (there's even an e-book for under $7.00!! wow!)

Anyway, in one of her later books she tells the story of how she was led into speaking and writing, and the lessons she learned there.  One of those stories is of the trouble she had with the accolades of people who would come up to her after she had spoken, to thank her for being such a blessing to them.  She was very uncomfortable with this praise.  She thought (as do I often regarding my own giftings) that she did not deserve the praise of those people, that God deserved it instead.  Yet when she would direct their thanks to the One above, they would appear crestfallen.  She decided to pray about this, because that's the kind of relationship she had with God - they talked about everything.

She told Him about her dilemma.  And then she listened.  In the stillness of her heart she heard something like these thoughts:  "They need to say thank you.  And you need to smile and say thank you back to them.  Think of their kind words and compliments, each one as a single rose.  Collect the roses and at the end of the day, and only if you are willing, offer them up to Me as a bouquet."

Sometimes people come to me and tell me things, that they enjoy my singing, that they think I'm a fabulous writer, cook, friend (or whatever the case may be)... and for many years I was decidedly uncomfortable with this.  In a very real sense I still am.  Yet, I realize - and this has only happened in the last few years - that the hearts from which these compliments come are grateful, that they have a need to express themselves, and that I steal that from them when I seem to dismiss their words with, "Well, praise the Lord!!"  So, even though I don't do what I do FOR them, I have learned to smile and say a simple, "Thank you!"  

And yes, afterward I do give that rose to God and then tell Him how wonderful He is, how grateful I am to Him.  Call it some baby's breath to go with it.  ;-)

Aftermath

If I were to make a joke now it would be about Rev. Camping explaining why the Rapture didn't happen last night - saying he forgot to carry the one.

Or perhaps the explanation he thinks up might be a bit more prosaic... or worse yet, obscure. 

I ran across one article on BBC which gave me pause - not only for the insistence of some folks in believing what someone else tells them and bending into pretzels to make it make sense, but for something I never thought of before: how many people are actually going to lose their faith over this? never mind how many have quit their jobs, spent their life's savings and even gone into debt leading up to yesterday.  You can read about it here.  What about the people who truly expected not to be here this morning?  Wow.  How crushed, disappointed, and bewildered some of them must be today.  The people of Calvary Bible Church in Milpitas California have opened their arms and their hearts to those of Camping's followers who are grieving today. 

That's compassion.  

I'm continually amazed at the predilection people have to fixate on one particular person and blindly follow everything he or she says. Folks are looking for truth and if someone claims to have it and thinks up a great way to package it, they look to that person to the exclusion of revealed truth.  I remember one preacher saying (when speaking of the Bible and how to interpret it), "If the literal sense makes good sense, don't make it into nonsense." People believe the sheisters because they don't believe that they can find out what the Bible says for themselves, and / or they can't interpret it properly.  They rely on the ones with the seminary educations and the theological degrees, when the reality is that many of those well-educated people are just as confused as the next person.  The followers of such people perhaps can't come to believe that they can actually have a first-hand relationship with God instead of relying on others who are more educated to feed them pre-chewed spiritual food.  

That said, one doesn't need a seminary degree to show a little acceptance, love, and compassion to people who - today of all days - are baffled that they are still here.  Laugh at the prediction if you must - I know I did - but save the baby before throwing out the bathwater.  I believe that Jesus IS coming back.  Not sure when, don't need to know, can't know anyway.  If this whole thing has done any good at all, it is that it has re-awakened a long-forgotten hope in many of us. 

Am I angry at Camping and folks like him?  oh yeah.  Mostly it's because they prey on the sheep - usually to line their own pockets - and end up disgusting and repelling so many people watching all of this, people who otherwise might have considered Christianity as viable.  Not only that, but the setting of dates and the majoring on minors (like nit-picking and judgmentalism, things that evangelicals are famous for doing) just adds to the cynicism of those who already view Christians as hypocritical nut-cases, and weakens our credibility before the watching world. 

But for those rapturists who have lost everything - who because of this fiasco are questioning for the first time if there's even a God - my heart breaks.

Honouring Weakness

I've been doing a fair bit of thinking about our culture's tendency to pander to the needs of the minority while making the majority bend to the minority's will.

Even that choice of words is inflammatory, isn't it?

Those who complain about the minority groups having the right to do this or that - what if YOU were the minority?  What if suddenly Christianity was considered deviant? wouldn't you want those same rights extended to you? it's a 2-way street, folks; we have to live in THIS world.


Okay, here's a concrete example of what I mean.

Several years ago, we used to decorate our church with evergreen wreaths at Christmas and with Easter lilies at Easter.  It's traditional, right?  Well, there was a lady who came to our church who became very ill - needing to go to bed for days at a time - whenever she was in a room which had these items in it.  She dearly wanted to come to church but felt that she had to stay away during the most special times of the year if she wanted to stay healthy.

When it became known that this was the case, the church leadership graciously opted to purchase large ARTIFICIAL wreaths; we got the greenery and she was able to come in at Christmas time and enjoy the services.  And instead of lilies at Easter, the leadership decorated the church with other types of flowers and green things to which she was not sensitive.

Was this pandering to a minority?  Technically - yes.  Did anyone in the church feel resentful because there were no lilies or evergreens?  Of course not!

Did anyone judge her for her weakness?  Again - no - because we were more concerned about the health of our sister than whether things were the way they always had been. We were glad to see her, enjoyed her company, wanted her to be happy.   

This idea of caring for people who have a difficulty has been around since the early church (more about that later.) A perfect modern example is fragrance.  Most people have no problem with modern fragrances - those which, since the early 1980s, have been made with petrochemicals and aldehydes rather than from flowers or animal musk.  Some people, on the other hand, have developed a sensitivity to these chemicals.  Like me.  Their bodies have finally said, "Enough!"

The fragrances do smell nice.  The petroleum-based chemicals can dissolve grease, lift stains and soften clothes.  They can cover over unpleasant odors in the home and on the body.  However, when someone is made ill when these chemicals are around, is it really fair to that person to have it hanging in the air?  Those who wear fragrance could get along without it, and those who can't go near it without becoming very sick are prevented from enjoying a normal life when there is fragrance present.  It's not like there aren't fragrance-free alternatives. (Google the Nova Scotia Environmental Health Clinic and look for a list of fragrance-free products sold right here in Canada.)

People can be kind if they choose to be.  Many don't.  

I've heard people say that if there's fragrance around, people who are sensitive shouldn't go near where it is.  It sounds valid - that the person who is bothered by something owns the problem.  It would make sense as long as the fragrance and the person wearing it stayed in one spot!! Then a sensitive person could avoid that spot or that person.  But people tend to be mobile - and if they're wearing fragrance (whether in the form of perfume, hair or skin care products, or in their clothes from laundry products) they leave a cloud of it behind wherever they go, and the chemicals that are harmful to sensitive people are designed to linger long after the person has passed by. 

I've tried medications.  Antihistamines don't work for me.  My symptoms are neurological: headaches, disorientation, "brain fog" among others. These can last minutes or hours.  I've stayed away from more functions: social gatherings, church, other meetings, just because I knew that I would not be able to handle the fragrances that no doubt would be present. I've left meetings in progress - at work and other places - as a result of not being able to breathe the air thick with fragrance.  As a result, I am isolated most of the time.  I get the reputation of being "anti-social."  Or "stuck-up."  Am I?  Uh, NO.

If the chemicals were suddenly to be made visible and people could see how pervasive the problem is, the notion of the sufferer "just staying out of harm's way" would be exposed as rather ludicrous.  

I'm not saying that we have the right to be obnoxious about our illness; I must admit that in the past, I have been quite aggressive with people regarding this issue.  I've learned the hard way that there are gracious ways to ask for what one needs.  And in some cases, yes, it's best to avoid certain areas and people.  Sometimes, though, that's just not feasible.  People have to work together, worship together, shop together.  In the building where I work, the inside air is circulated all day long.  If there's someone laying tar outside the doors and those fumes get in the building, most everyone suffers.  Folks who have chemical sensitivities suffer in that way - some for hours or days at a time - when someone across the room walks by after having used scented mousse or hairspray even several hours previous.  The effects are cumulative too - so small exposures over a long period of time make the sensitivities more ... well, sensitive.  

In our culture, there is much talk about "rights" ... the rights of the majority, mostly.  That's not what the Bible teaches. The Bible teaches that along with rights go responsibilities.  It teaches us to honour those who have difficulties.

The apostle Paul dealt with some folks in the Roman church who were judging each other and being offended by things others were doing in the church.  I think that his words to the majority could apply to any situation where a larger group of people are in a position where a smaller group finds something offensive.  Even if there's nothing wrong with it.

Paul said, "It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything else if it might cause another believer to stumble.  You may believe there’s nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keep it between yourself and God. " (Rom 14:21) 

To the Corinthians he wrote (regarding the same contentious issue of his day), "So if what I eat causes another believer to sin, I will never eat meat again as long as I live—for I don’t want to cause another believer to stumble." (1 Cor 8:13) 

In another spot (1 Corinthians 12:22-26) he said, referring to the members of the church as parts of a body, "In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary.  And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity.  This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other.  If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad." 

In other words, Paul advocated honouring (rather than having contempt for) the weaker members of the group, and using their weakness (or "infirmity" as the King James puts it) as an opportunity to show love.  What a concept!!

I'm not naïve enough to expect everyone in the world to bend over backward to suit me or to accommodate my sensitivities in every situation.  I'm also smart enough to know that I will not knowingly expose myself to the things which will hurt me.  All I'm saying is that my world is a lot smaller than that of many other people ... and it doesn't need to be.