The importance of self-care

As busy as life is working full time and fitting in all the other important things into the day (add to that school for most of the year for me), it is easy for me to assume that retirement will give me more time to do those things that just got "fit in" before. However, watching my hubby the last 7 years has taught me that retirement doesn't do that at ALL!! In fact, retirees have LESS time to fit everything in because everyone thinks they have time on their hands to do extra things, and their days easily fill up with errands, projects, visits, and appointments. Self-care is just as important (perhaps even more so) for the retired person as for the career-minded person. 

For those people who are mentally and emotionally drained by spending time in social situations with others - even if enjoying that time (like me!) - sometimes that means letting opportunities pass by for activities that they might really enjoy but they have just no energy to spend on those things because they need to spend that energy on getting through the rest of the day. I find the explanation known as "spoon theory" quite fitting to describe this phenomenon.

Photo "Mix Spoon It Multicolored On White
Isolate Background" courtesy of jk1991
at www.freedigitalphotos.net

Spoon theory was invented by a lady who has lupus (Christine Miserandino) to describe to her best friend what it was like to live with a debilitating sickness.  It has since been used to describe what it is like to live with any chronic illness (including mental illness).  And, while I've never been officially diagnosed with a mental illness, I'm sure that I would be diagnosed with several if I were to seek a referral to a psychologist: the ones that come to mind are social anxiety disorder, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, agoraphobia, seasonal affective disorder, and maybe one or two others.  

Spoon theory says that every day, someone who has a chronic illness starts the day with a certain limited number of "spoons" - units of energy - that they get to spend on activities that require mental, emotional, and/or physical energy to do.  Getting out of bed isn't just getting out of bed, it's opening the eyes, screwing up the courage to roll over, to sit up, to put one's feet on the floor, to stand up.  Depending on the degree of effort, that might cost three spoons instead of just one. And so it goes.  Cooking breakfast costs a spoon.  Driving to work in tourist traffic at rush hour is at least one if not two spoons.  By the time one gets to work, half the spoons for the day are probably already gone.... and there's the rest of the day to re-plan.  If one runs out of spoons for the day, one can borrow from the next day's supply - but then that next day will be that much more difficult with fewer spoons to start with.  

Other people don't have to think about how many spoons they have. They just do things willy-nilly, and seem to get by with spoons to spare at the end of the day. Those with a chronic illness, though, have to plan every move, and often have to change plans ... sometimes without notice.  This can lead to them being judged by their non-sick friends, especially if the illness is "invisible." That is, the common perception is that if someone doesn't LOOK sick, they aren't. Whether these friends mean to do it or not, they can be quite judgmental, even if they try to be nice about it.  They spread shame and guilt as if running out of energy was a deliberate choice designed to make them feel bad.  "I'm so disappointed that you couldn't find the time to spend with me," I've heard people say.   

Wow.  Just ... wow.  

It is just as much self-care to refrain from spending spoons as it is to actively go about replenishing them - and there are things that replenish spoon supply - in whatever way works for the one who is running low.  For me, that looks like sunning myself (in the summer) with my music playing, or laying down in a quiet room with a white-noise machine going to drown out the constant ringing in my ear, or watching a feel-good movie, among other things.  But it also looks like staying away from outings that I know will drain me - anything with anyone outside immediate family: the more people, the more draining it will be - and from topics of conversation that require a confrontational stance: politics and religion come to mind.  (That one is HARD to manage because everyone seems to have a different opinion and I'm no exception! The last time it happened, though, it took me three days to recover to where I felt ready to face a full day again ...)  If someone is constantly bringing up topics that drain me, I am learning to stay away from that person.  The mere knowledge that I won't have to be exposed to those things tends to give me a bit more energy - strange, I know, but it is true - and at the end of the day, I might find a spoon in my pocket that I didn't know I had. That is a rare and special find - because while I can save a spoon or two for the next day, I can't save up a whole lot to use later.  I made the mistake of thinking that earlier this year ... and the results were disastrous.

The bottom line is that self-care is so very important, and at the same time, so very under-rated.  There are lessons I've learned about it that have been hard to learn; I am still learning others.  One of the most crucial lessons for me was that self-care, contrary to popular religious and cultural belief, is FAR from selfish.  It is often the kindest thing one can do for one's family and friends, because someone who doesn't practice self-care will NOT have any reserves left and could end up damaging people who are near and dear, sometimes irreparably.  And another learning is that it is okay to (1) say no, and (2) ask for help.  It doesn't mean that I'm less of a person; it means I am becoming aware of my limits and I am trying to stay within them. 

So if I use a spoon to spend time with you, know that (1) it is a good day for me and (2) if someday I can't, it's not your fault ... and it's not mine either.

Phostered Phonies

The culture we live in discourages certain behaviors and encourages others based on what it thinks and / or believes is important.  It's not just endemic to one particular subculture or social group, it's pandemic across our entire culture to treat certain actions as laudable and others as lousy - and some of them literally make no sense to me.  To my way of thinking, some actions that are commonly praised need to be exposed and deplored; some which are discouraged need to be re-examined and considered carefully as models upon which to base our interactions with each other. 

In today's culture, for example, in response to a simple question, "How are you?" the answer "Great!" is encouraged - even if you're dying inside.  The answer "Lousy," though honest (which is the goal, right?) is criticized as undesirable, a "downer." Or in the church setting, "not speaking in faith." Even the response, "Okay," is suspect.  ("Just okay?  You should be joyful! deliriously happy! Great!") So I've started to compile a list of some of the more commonly accepted / condoned practices, those ones which foster dysfunctional relationships, phoniness, and judgment, and which reject healthy relationships, honesty, and acceptance.  

1. Segregation.  Oops, I mean mens' (or ladies') groups and/or getaways.  Church is notorious for these. While paying lip service to marriage and family, these groups /events can foster the exact thing that they claim they are trying to avoid.  "Spend more time paying attention to your wives, men. And to help you do that, we're going to get you to leave them at home for three days straight while you hang out with each other and 'bond.' Yeah, golf to your heart's content, spend the family finances on a hotel bill and green fees, and don't be there with your wives and families the only time in the week that you get to spend with them."  Same thing with ladies' groups - also known as women's retreats.  "Okay, ladies... here's how to save your marriages. Rob your men of the joy of sleeping in with you on the one day they can do so per week, so you can go grouse about them behind their backs with a bunch of girls, get fifty-dollar facials ... and play slumber party."   I just don't get it. Then again, I've never been big on girly-girl stuff.  But I digress.  I'd prefer to see "couple's retreats" or "family retreats." Wouldn't that be radical.
   
   
2. Manipulation.  Oh, come on. This is HUGE!!  Everything from "come to the social gathering, there'll be free food" to "oh, he won't mind. All I gotta do is look at him and bat my eyes and say 'please' with a little pout.  He'll come around" to the classic guilt trip mothers give about all those hours of labour and how the child somehow "owes" them for that. It's everywhere!! Control the other guy through manipulation.  Or intimidation.  (Such as implying that someone is not a good wife/mother/husband/father/son/daughter/friend if that person doesn't do a specific action that is all the rage, like oh, I dunno, go to church every time the doors are open, or watching a certain movie that "everyone" is watching). 
   
   
3. Sexism.  Yes, you heard me!! I hear it all the time.  "All men are lazy messy pigs."   (Uh, no they're not.) Or "All blonde [or pretty] women are dumb."  (uh, beg pardon, but ... NO.)  And the most intricate of mental yoga moves (i.e., twisting the mind into a pretzel shape) to account for the many MANY exceptions to whatever sexist rule we hear and believe (really? after all this time?)  ....one of those pretzel moves I heard recently was the "80/20 rule."  I couldn't believe my ears.  That is (giving the example of men and untidiness) 80% of men are slobs and 20% are not, whereas 80% of women are neat freaks and 20% aren't.  Hm.  It doesn't wash with me.  I happen to believe that people are people - - you know, human beings.  Gender - or should I say hormone level - does determine a tendency to do certain things.  But to justify your need to grouse about the opposite gender just because your own life sucks or because you consider your own gender to be superior to the other - is kind of a giant step backward, no matter what gender you are.
   
   



Source (via Google Images):
http://vi.sualize.us/view/8c5074cff0e59aa428a3fc85cebd1c7d/
(classic manipulation through guilt)

4. Bullying. Oh, I'm not talking about the classic bullying that is so much the topic of news stories and so forth.  The kind I mean can take several forms: minimizing another's accomplishments by finding fault with them (how about stopping a conversation or reducing it to a whisper with sidelong glances when that someone comes in the room?) or even the socially acceptable practice known as "practical jokes."  (These, in my opinion, are neither funny nor practical, and if continued, can cause someone to seriously consider the ultimate escape from life.) I see it happen in all spheres of life - work, church, school, other social groups - and in every case it is seen as, "Well, that's just so-and-so.  He's/ she's harmless."  Tell that to every teen who has considered purchasing a one-way ticket to the Other Side because they never get a break from it - and they don't foresee it stopping when they graduate. Or go into the workforce. 
   
   
5. Fatalism.  The "I can't help it, it's just me" mentality can be not only defeatist, but it can be used as an excuse for inexcusable behavior.  Just saying.
   
   
   The truth is, of course, that not one person can change him or herself.  Only God can change the heart. The choice then becomes, am I willing to give it to God and give Him carte blanche to change me in this or that area? 
   
   
   If we are serious about developing relationship with God, perhaps it's time to revisit some of these areas in our own lives.  I've given my opinion on them to spark thought and reflection.  You don't have to agree with my take on things; that's not important - but if I've caused someone to pause and rethink the way he or she thinks and acts, then perhaps this post has been worth the risk.

Splitting Headache

We've all heard the stories, we've tut-tutted and shaken our heads.  We deplore it, and we wish it would not happen.  But it does.  

A friend and I were discussing the history of a particular church; I remembered how it formed back in the early 1980s, and I told the story, warts and all.  Without going into a lot of details, someone decided what constituted holiness, and said that not only must the people who held an office in the church (from secretary to deacon) be holy according to this definition, but all the members of their families had to be as well.  The organist's husband smoked. This was not deemed as holy.  Need I say more?

Churches have split over such deep doctrinal issues as the color of the hymnbooks, whether Sunday or Saturday is the day on which we should worship, even whether Adam had a belly button or not. How ridiculous!! 

This cartoon found through Google Images at
http://ponderingpastor.blogspot.com/
2010_05_01_archive.html

The problem with a church split (and let's face it, they are bound to happen because they contain the one thing that causes them - people!) is that it doesn't actually split.  A split implies that half the people stay in the original church and half go to form a new one.  What really happens is that about 30 percent of the people stay in the old church, 15 to 20 percent form the new one - and half or more don't go to church anymore at all.  This last group is composed of people who are so disillusioned by the pettiness of people who are supposed to be loving and self-sacrificing.  

Moreover, at least three times the population of the church - who hear about the split (usually from the disillusioned ones) and have never gone to church (any church) - are people we will never see inside the doors, for they are all the more convinced than ever that Christianity is for weaklings, bigots, and losers.  The problem is that people who are more prone to be involved in a church split still call themselves Christians - except that they have a different interpretation of what that is.  

If the folks in a church have gotten to the place where there is an imminent split, their faith bears about as much resemblance to Christianity as a dodo does to an eagle.  Both birds - but the former is pretty much useless ... and extinct.  And so what was once an organism has been subject to the normal vivisection that happens when it gets "organized."  It loses all traces of life.  

Fear takes over - fear of losing the purity, the passion, or the fire (which is an interesting concept - for if you fear losing the fire, it's probably already gone out. Otherwise you're too busy being on fire!)  I know people who are absolutely convinced that they have the RIGHT to sit in judgment on others with whose lifestyles or practices they do not agree, simply because they are 'seated with Christ in heavenly places.'  This is a gross distortion of all that Christ came to accomplish.  It was never His intention to have His message of love twisted into a message of paranoia and bigotry.  

Fear of people slipping and straying from the tenets of ancient Judaism led to the formation of the group known as the Pharisees.  Their one mission in life was to uphold the laws and traditions they were taught and make people follow them. And when someone (one of their own countrymen) came along who threatened that by talking about love and a personal relationship with God, they went against their own laws: paying someone to betray him, holding his trial after sunset and on the holiest day of the year when nobody was to be conducting any business at all, consorting with people they considered heathen, and bribing witnesses, to have this threat put to death.  

Religious people within the church have done the same thing ... to the same person.  I say religious people because religion is all about maintaining the status quo, dressing it up, making it pretty, doing it right to the point of shunning those who don't, keeping people in line, making the right impression, trying to twist God's arm to make Him do what you want Him to do, and doing what you've always done just because you've always done it that way.  

Christianity, on the other hand, is iconoclastic - always has been ever since oh, let's see, its founder was here!  "Iconoclastic" means it tears down the idols - idols of complacency, of hypocrisy, of spiritual correctness (if Christians were all one race, then this term "spiritual correctness" might even be called racial purity!)  It focuses on an individual relationship with God, and it celebrates the uniqueness of every individual rather than building an empire of people who all agree with each other, look the same, and act the same through what can only be described as bullying. Strange that so many religious leaders can get away with that, and so much more: shoving their fingers in someone's face and calling him or her to the lowest (in front of fellow church-members, no less) because of a perceived "difference" in either focus, approach, interpretation, or belief. They have no qualms about using guilt, shame, and intimidation to keep people all believing a certain way and they try to eliminate all who don't.  One of the last times a political leader tried to do that, the world plunged into war; it was 1939.  

But unfortunately, nobody in the church stands up to stop it; those few voices who do object are ostracized or drowned out in the zeal of the polarized groups that emerge.  So those who get in a huff about the far-reaching implications of choosing blue hymn books over red (yes, this actually happened, several years ago in a different country) will "up and leave" over such things, start another church, and leave hundreds of casualties, Christian and non-Christian alike, in its wake.  

It's enough to give the Head of the church (that is, the one preparing a place for us in Heaven) a splitting headache.

I can't ...

There are a lot of things I can do.  I can think, work, eat, drive, and so many more things.  But there is a sense in which I can do absolutely nothing.  That realm includes the area of my own ability to consistently say and do the right thing, or to not choose the wrong thing.  

I cannot control other people, circumstances, or outcomes, either.  Much as I want to.  In fact, there is very little over which I have control.  I like to think I do, but I don't.

For most of my life I tried to live life the way I was taught to.  I tried really hard: straining, striving, and forcing myself to behave a certain way.  Trying to get people to behave a certain way because that's what I believed that I had to do in order to be a good wife, mother, friend.  

Not until I started into this journey of recovery and healing did I even start to get an inkling of the secret of living life.

Source of this photo:
http://tammycloserwalk.blogspot.com/2009/11/
i-cant-even-walk-without-you-holding-my.html

I can't.  God can.

There's a line of a song that says, "I can't even walk without You holdin' my hand."  The longer I am on this journey, the more convinced I am that this is true.  In my own strength I have nothing ... but when I rely on God for His strength and direction - lo and behold - things work out.  

I can't count the number of times I have been in close touch with Him and things have fallen right into place, miracles (mini-miracles) have happened.  Being in the right place at the right time, especially if there have been delays just prior to that.  Humming a song to myself that someone else needs to hear who's within earshot, and not knowing it's what he or she needs or even whether the person is even there.  Not reacting in a situation where reacting would worsen a situation.  Instinctively knowing when refraining from speaking, or just giving someone a hug, would say more than words ever could.  It's uncanny.  But I've seen it happen, time and time again.  In my own wisdom and strength, I would have screwed it up, and royally at that.

I know because I've relied on my own wisdom and strength.  It's how I lived most of my life, including the majority of my Christian life.  And although it might work for a short while and in short bursts, it ends up with me feeling burnt out, used up, angry, frustrated, and exhausted.  Not to mention with a lot of egg on my face.  Pushing myself and allowing myself to be tricked into that whole "don't just stand there, do something!" mentality has been my downfall again and again, and in the midst of my delusion (before I hit bottom) it's led me to believe that I should be doing more, that I have to do, do, do.  I forget to be, be, be.  And every single time, it ends in failure.  I've proven time and time again that I just... can't.

When I rely on God, when I concentrate on my relationship with Him and live in the moment, life is an adventure with unexpected twists, unforeseen blessings. 

Even when the circumstances aren't the best. 

Cookies with Smarties

Overheard at McDonald's checkout this morning - part of a conversation between a mom and her 4-year-old daughter:

Would you like pancakes?
No.
Would you like a muffin?
No.
Would you like eggs and sausage and toast?
No.
Well what do you want?
I dunno.
(shrugs in resignation...)  Just look at the pictures and tell me what you want.
That one!  (pointing to the breakfast burrito with red and green peppers)
That one????
Yeah!  Cookies with Smarties!
Uhhhh....honey.... that's not a cookie and those aren't Smarties... it's a really thin wrap with egg, and green and red peppers inside.
AwWWh!! I HATE green peppers!!
So what do you want?
(big sigh)  Pancakes I guess.

Found through Google Images at :
http://recipelist.blogspot.com/2008/06/mcdonalds-breakfast-burritos.html

Appearances can certainly be deceiving, and when something turns out to not be what you expected, well!!

Life is full of expectations and disappointments like that.  It's especially disheartening when the real thing doesn't even come close to living up to the brochure.  

Marketing focuses on the hype; many times folks end up at the returns desk asking for a refund or an exchange.  It's that way in the business world and it is that way in other areas as well, including relationships, volunteer groups, church, and work or career.  The disappointment can be devastating.  What's worse, something dies inside when we feel we must resign ourselves to the status quo.

The thing is, that is always the risk when it comes to anything involving human beings because we all make mistakes.  ALL the time.  (Wow that sounds like such a cop-out.)  The trick is - for the people "advertising" - to be realistic about the pros and cons of a particular action or lifestyle. And for the people who are the targets of such advertising, it's important to ask intelligent questions instead of assuming people have the right motives. 

Far too many times I've seen people rhapsodize about a particular thing (let's say church or Christianity - which is not the same thing, but I digress) while minimizing the in-fighting and the being-taken-for-granted stuff that goes on with annoying regularity, not to mention that whole judgment thing if you don't agree 100% with each other.  Of course it is never going to be perfect; if looking for perfection then humanity is not the best place to focus!! 

What I've found gives me balance is not focusing so much on what others are doing and instead checking my attitude.  I always lived my life having people do things "to" me.  My focus was always on (see another post I did a few months ago) whether they were throwing their ball in such a way as to hit my bat (and getting angry when they didn't).  So what I had to do was work on my batting skills - and get rid of some old preconceived notions of where the bases were.  Coming from a dysfunctional /abusive home, the boundaries are really fuzzy, there are a lot of in-team rivalries, and it takes a while to learn how to (as one friend put it) "behave indoors" as an adult.

Since going through that healing process, I'm learning that it's okay to ask questions about the nature of what has always been touted as the accepted / traditional thing to do or think.  "Why?" is a good question in that context.  Living life from the inside out - being honest, open, and willing - forces me to live outside my comfort zone in many respects.  Certain things have always been true and remain true ... but the next time I hear something or see something that sounds or looks like "Cookies with Smarties", I had better beware.  I'm not denying that miracles happen or that sometimes life does serve sundaes instead of sauerkraut (apologies to those who like sauerkraut)... it's just that a lot of the time, it doesn't.

If it sounds too good to be true ... it probably is.

Deficit giving

I can always tell when I'm running on empty spiritually.  I start giving and doing things for people that normally I would love...and I feel spent, resentful, and touchy.

I think that the culture I come from encourages deficit spending giving.  The saying, "Give til it hurts" always leaves me saying, "Why?" Even - and sadly, especially - in the church.

I've seen people who come into a church, make a decision to follow Jesus - and the first thing they hear is, "You gotta start doing stuff."  The idea is to get the newcomer involved and serving others as quickly as possible before he or she is even grounded in the basics of the faith.  

The rules and regulations of religion : do this, don't do that, do, do, do... burn the new believer out before he or she even grows any spiritual roots.  Told to pray, for example, the new believer prays.  Before long he or she is faced with an answer from God that is unexpected - "No."  (It happens.)  Instead of being counseled to accept the answer, the disappointed person is told to pray harder because he or she was not praying hard enough.  Or perhaps not enough people were recruited to add strength to those prayers.  Because, goodness knows, if you can't get the answer you want, say it over and over and over again, with more and more intensity - or get others to join you so you can twist God's arm and manipulate Him into getting what you want. (Say what??)

(Why am I reminded of the prophets of Baal on Mount Carmel, shouting and working themselves up into a frenzy, slicing themselves in their "ardor"?)

It all funnels the person into the fallacious belief that humans have to convince God to do what He so desires to do.  So we try and try and try - knock ourselves out - to do what we think is expected of us, to do what we think we "should" be doing (shudder.) And the reason why it doesn't work for us is that we somehow are not doing it right, not doing it enough, or not doing it with enough voices to back us up.

The saddest part is that we truly believe this - some of us never stop believing it - and we burn our candles at both ends and end up incredibly unhappy for a very long time.

Over two years ago, I ran across a different way of approaching life and faith.  Admit you're powerless over yourself and others, believe God can bring balance and sanity to your inner world. Turn your will and your life over to God's care, empty yourself of the hurts of the past and honestly take responsibility for your own part in them. Be willing to have God to remove those character defects and ask (not tell) Him to remove them.  Get to know yourself. Clear away any wreckage you've left in your path.  Keep on top of your self-destructive attitudes, and develop and deepen an intimate relationship with God.  ONLY THEN are you in a position to give to others - from a place of fulness, grace and humility. 

Yes, it is a tall order - and yes, it takes time and a lot of hard work.  But there's one thing I know for sure and can tell you from experience, because I tried all that other stuff and it left me feeling dry, resentful, and jaded.  Since I started on this journey in 2009, I've been able to help quite a few people after going through the hard stuff.  And I have discovered that in this lifestyle of rigorous honesty, openness and willingness, there is one thing that is true more days than not.


I'm happy.

Aftermath

If I were to make a joke now it would be about Rev. Camping explaining why the Rapture didn't happen last night - saying he forgot to carry the one.

Or perhaps the explanation he thinks up might be a bit more prosaic... or worse yet, obscure. 

I ran across one article on BBC which gave me pause - not only for the insistence of some folks in believing what someone else tells them and bending into pretzels to make it make sense, but for something I never thought of before: how many people are actually going to lose their faith over this? never mind how many have quit their jobs, spent their life's savings and even gone into debt leading up to yesterday.  You can read about it here.  What about the people who truly expected not to be here this morning?  Wow.  How crushed, disappointed, and bewildered some of them must be today.  The people of Calvary Bible Church in Milpitas California have opened their arms and their hearts to those of Camping's followers who are grieving today. 

That's compassion.  

I'm continually amazed at the predilection people have to fixate on one particular person and blindly follow everything he or she says. Folks are looking for truth and if someone claims to have it and thinks up a great way to package it, they look to that person to the exclusion of revealed truth.  I remember one preacher saying (when speaking of the Bible and how to interpret it), "If the literal sense makes good sense, don't make it into nonsense." People believe the sheisters because they don't believe that they can find out what the Bible says for themselves, and / or they can't interpret it properly.  They rely on the ones with the seminary educations and the theological degrees, when the reality is that many of those well-educated people are just as confused as the next person.  The followers of such people perhaps can't come to believe that they can actually have a first-hand relationship with God instead of relying on others who are more educated to feed them pre-chewed spiritual food.  

That said, one doesn't need a seminary degree to show a little acceptance, love, and compassion to people who - today of all days - are baffled that they are still here.  Laugh at the prediction if you must - I know I did - but save the baby before throwing out the bathwater.  I believe that Jesus IS coming back.  Not sure when, don't need to know, can't know anyway.  If this whole thing has done any good at all, it is that it has re-awakened a long-forgotten hope in many of us. 

Am I angry at Camping and folks like him?  oh yeah.  Mostly it's because they prey on the sheep - usually to line their own pockets - and end up disgusting and repelling so many people watching all of this, people who otherwise might have considered Christianity as viable.  Not only that, but the setting of dates and the majoring on minors (like nit-picking and judgmentalism, things that evangelicals are famous for doing) just adds to the cynicism of those who already view Christians as hypocritical nut-cases, and weakens our credibility before the watching world. 

But for those rapturists who have lost everything - who because of this fiasco are questioning for the first time if there's even a God - my heart breaks.

Should I disappear

I'm not saying it will or won't happen at 6 p.m.  tonight as predicted.  It could - I suppose.

Whether it will happen then or not is not my call to make, nor anyone's.  But what has come to be known as "the Rapture" is an important part of Christian belief.  It is 'the blessed hope' - and for some, it is all about 'the judgment seat of Christ' for believers...the time when their rewards (or lack of them) will be revealed.

In any case, much has been said of late regarding the most recent foretelling of the date and time of Jesus' return for the church - the 'great Body-Snatch.'  There's been a lot of buzz on both sides of the debate... while the world looks on with rather bemused and cynical smiles as some Christians just get all worked up - some to "get ready" and others to judge the ones getting ready by selling their possessions and quitting their jobs (for being so gullible) and perhaps even judging the ones making the prediction for using it to line their pockets the last few months.  My issue is with the kind of "yeah right" mentality these kinds of things engender in the world at large.  "Whoa-yeah.  Like THAT's ever going to happen."

Well, I didn't say it was going to happen.  Jesus did.  He just didn't say when - and as a matter of fact, He said that not even HE knew.  Once His Dad makes the decision that it's time - ya think that Jesus would be the FIRST to know!  Just sayin'.  

And should I disappear at some point in time ... along with hundreds of millions (I won't say billions) of other people ... it will be a total surprise to those who predict things to stir up the pot or for whatever other reason they might do it.  The way I prefer to live (instead of being scared and 'getting ready' for that occurrence) is to keep on getting to know Him better.  Allowing Him to be intimately acquainted with my innermost being.  So whether He comes or not in my lifetime - I'm looking forward to meeting Him in person.

I got to - really?

Okay - brothers and sisters....

I've always been the type of person that when pressured into some sort of behavior just because I "have to" - no matter how good it is, whether it's exercising or even going to see a very popular movie of which everyone says, "Oh you have just GOT to see this!"  my first reaction inside is - "No.  No I don't." 

And the more I hear that injunction that I have to do it, the less I want to - even if I started out being curious about it or thinking I might MAYbe want to do it.

The "got to's" turn me off. Completely. Even more so lately than before. I guess it's because I've "been there, done that" and now anything that smacks of coercion absolutely repulses me.

Several years back, I read a book by Tommy Tenney called, "The God Chasers".  It's a very good book and I recommend it to Christians who are tired of "playing church".  But I recommend it with a warning.

As I was reading, I looked at the way this church in Dallas, Texas was changed - a group of people who experienced what can only be described as a supernatural flood of the presence of God - so tangible that for months, people in everyday situations, like waiting in grocery store lines, were deeply affected.  Miracles were commonplace when someone who had been touched by this presence was nearby anyone in hospitals, bank lineups, etc.  

Amazing.  

But I made the classic mistake.  I compared their experience to the way our church was - doing the "same old same old" again and again, expecting different results.  Talking about wanting God's presence but never experiencing Him in a life-changing, sustainable way.  And I got very, VERY frustrated with church, church programs, and church people.  Disillusioned.  Angry.  Bitter.

It took me several years and a whole lot of trying over and over and over to try to get people to read their Bibles more, pray more, do more - with nothing to show for it but more frustration because nobody seemed to be "getting it" - before I finally realized what I was doing.  I was trying to manipulate God - manipulate His people - and coerce either Him or them to "get with the program." I was trying to control others - and the fact was that I couldn't even control myself.  The truth was, as I came to understand, that relationship with God is not a "You gotta do this" thing.  

The truth is, I was (and am) completely incapable of living the kind of life that is happy, joyous and free ... on my own efforts.  That's the whole point of the Old Testament - to show us that no matter how much we want to or try to, we cannot follow all the rules; it is humanly impossible to sustain such an externally motivated lifestyle on our own. God invites us to a relationship.  Not a contract.

If my life as a Christian is all about "I got to" then I've missed the whole point and am to be pitied above all people - because "I got to" is a miserable existence filled with slavery to expectations and obligations.  I know - I was there.

Once it stopped being about what people were or were not doing, or what I was doing or not doing, and it became about what God has already done and freely offers - accepting that and being thankful for it - then it started being not so much about an effort to love others as it was an acceptance of His love for me.  It became less about obligation and more about gratitude.  It started being less of a drudge and more of a joy.  

The last thing I need - or anyone needs for that matter - is to feel lambasted by a whole lot of guilt and shame when we go to a place that is dedicated to the worship of God. That kind of stuff (I don't know, maybe some folks get off on that kind of thing) appears to me to be just an exercise in masochism.  It's times like that when I feel like I just want to walk out in disgust.  It appeals to every single control freak out there.  I know because it once appealed to me.  Until I realized that there is no way that I can control myself, other people, or outcomes.  Until I gave up trying to be perfect.

Rather than thinking that "I got to" do anything - how about if we turn it around, realize how much He loves us, and WANT to spend time with Him? Individually? No agendas, no expectation of temporal or eternal reward, no getting all crazed and hyped up. Just Him. Just us.  Just Him and us. In intimate, one-on-one connection.

Then "I got to" (i.e., religion) falls away and drops off.  It's replaced by an inside out thing (i.e., relationship) - and soon becomes an expression of something we look forward to and enjoy: "I get to."

Roots of Religion

I am taking a real risk here.

I know so very many adults with deeply ingrained trust issues.  I count myself among them still.  I'm not sure if I can count on people, or even on God.

I think it starts when we're little.

Our parents, wanting to control our behavior - to give us some sort of motivation for "being good" - tell us that if we aren't good, this or that fictitious character won't come to give us presents, or money, or easter eggs.  External motivations for good behavior amount to one thing and one thing only:  RELIGION.  Dress it up any way you like it, it's either earning brownie points, or it's behaving in such a way as to avoid punishment.  And ... it's wrong.  Because once the myth is exposed - and it is ALWAYS exposed - then the young heart learns that trusting in something or someone hurts in the end.  And it hurts a LOT.

Yes, even the "Christian" myth.  Oh I can hear you now - Christianity isn't a myth.  I know that.  But we Christians have made it into a religion - and religion is candy-coated myth.  What I mean is that we have made what is supposed to be a relationship with God into something that has to do with doing all the right things, saying all the right words, in order to either gain brownie points with God (so He'll do what we want Him to do) or to avoid getting slammed by Him (i.e., to avoid being punished.)  

If that is all there is to it, count me out.  

Thankfully though, I've been learning that that's not what it's about at all.  It's about a relationship built on His love, and our gratitude and trust.

Telling children that something that's make-believe is real ... is lying to them, setting them up to be hurt, and setting parents up to be mistrusted down the road.  I know it's "magical" to see their eyes light up - but is that really worth it to risk crushing their spirits later on?  Can we not make "behaving" about pleasing a loving someone (i.e., the parent) that they are in a relationship with? Would it kill us to build that relationship with our kids instead of relying on a fantasy to keep them in line?

I'm not saying we can't teach our kids about Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or the Easter Bunny.  I'm saying that we can tell them that it's a story that is fun to pretend about.  Like a game they pretend about in the back yard.  That way, when we tell them that God is real and we live in relationship with Him so they can see it, they'll be able to tell the difference ... and be able to trust.

Shoulds and Oughtas - The Fine Print

I'm having a dream.

In my mind's eye, I see a door which is slightly ajar - inviting, strewn about in front with flowers, twittering birds, and soft music.  

Above the archway is written, "Just Believe." I can't quite see inside - but the marketing on the outside is pretty impressive.  Beneath the beautiful tones of birdsong, I can faintly hear a Voice.  It is loving, passionate, pure, full of promise and encouragement.  Hope springs inside of me!

Going through the door, I expect to see a welcoming place.  A place where I am accepted for who I am.  Perhaps the author of the Voice.

But although I can see remnants of what once was a peaceful, inviting place, on the inside are iron bars and barbed wire, and I am handed a list of dos and don'ts. "Welcome to the abundant life," says an automaton who is dressed in 40's business garb.  "There is joy here ... Unless you sell yourself into slavery and subjugate your own desires, you won't ever be truly happy." I look at the list of rules.  They include such things as giving up anything that might be construed as enjoyment or fun.  They include giving up favorite pastimes in order to be at the church whenever the doors are open, sacrificing even family time to be at the beck and call of whatever missions trip or conference is going on.  The faces of my spouse and children start to fade away - I hear their protesting voices get more and more dim as I consider the path before me.

I panic.  This is not what I signed up for!!  Where is the peace? Where is the joy?  Where - oh please tell me it's somewhere - is the love?

Where did God go in all of this?

I can't hear that Voice anymore!!

I force myself to read the list of regulations and get to the bottom.  I'm already in shock - what more could there be?  

A smudge at the bottom of the page attracts my attention.  I ask for a magnifying glass.  Uncomfortable, my new host hands one to me.  I read at the bottom: "If you do not subscribe to every single belief, behavior, and attitude on this list, your motivations and your conversion will be questioned by the Fellowship at every turn.  If you dare to step outside the prescribed methods listed on the reverse, (there's more?? I think to myself) your actions will be deemed "not of God" and you will be ostracized. Embrace the blessing.  Have a nice day."

Now I am SURE I have made a mistake.  

A suffocating feeling comes over me.  The hope I felt before entering the door is being crushed, soured, demolished.

I begin to look around in desperation.  Is it ALL like this?  What happened to all the promises I was made?  How could this existence EVER be mistaken for "abundance?" Someone PLEASE wake me up from this nightmare!

I pray desperately - my heart's cry is for God to show me what this is all about and what HE wants, how HE feels about all this.

Set before me is a labyrinth of gates, dead ends, and roadblocks.  It's all so forbidding, so artificial... so I look for any other way to recapture the promise I heard in the Voice.  

And there IS something: a light - a natural light - like Sunlight - coming NOT from the labyrinth but from somewhere I can't see, off to the side. 

I decide to follow it.  All around me are voices condemning me for my choice.  I've left the safety of the maze, they say. I've gone where nobody should go.  Nobody who's ever gone that way has ever come back, they say.  "Well," I think aloud, "there's no way I want to come back to THIS."

On this new path, I can see some of the original design of this vast place.  Gnarled roots from an olive tree.  Moss, soft and cool, cushions my step.  I feel strangely invigorated. The accusing voices behind me start to fade away.  I cock my head slightly for I think I can hear the peeping of a bird - somewhere.  The noises of an ever-increasingly wild wood both frighten and intrigue me.  The light - the light is just ahead.  

I round a corner and see a tree - one that looks like it has been in this spot forever.  One one side of its bumpy and overgrown bark there is a space cleared where someone has carved a heart.  The words inside the heart seem to vibrate with life.  "Love one another."  

The chirping of birds is more clear now - all kinds of species, with songs high and low, blending together harmoniously.  Almost forgotten is the labyrinth behind me; in fact, it has faded from my sight.

The light I saw earlier is all around me; it seems to come from nowhere but yet it is miraculously here.  I am filled with awe --  with a sense that I have only begun to scratch the surface of something that can never be fathomed. 

A rustling sound - like the sound of crinkling paper - distracts me. The list of dos and don'ts is still in my hand, the only remnant of the restrained, strait-jacket world I have left behind.  I forgot to toss the paper away - and I am just about to do so when I notice the watermark on the paper.  In the artificial light from the entryway, I could not see it - but now it is as clear as day.  

It says "Ichabod - the glory has departed."

As I let go of the paper, it dissolves into mid-air and a warm glow beckons me on. I hear a Voice - a familiar Voice - the one I thought I heard when I stood outside the entrance.  Only  now can I hear Him say my name - saying it in the purest and most passionate love I have ever known.

My heart leaps.  This - this is joy.  If I am dreaming ..... don't wake me.

Put it in the pages

Honestly.  I wonder just what the Apostle Paul would have thought of 20th and 21st century church.

I'm sure he would have had something to tell us.  


Yes, I know we live in a different culture, I know that our government doesn't overtly persecute Christians.  I know that.  I am talking about the things we obsess about in the Western church.  What clothes to wear on the platform.  Whether to use hymn books.  What version of the Bible to use.  What style of music to worship to.  Whether or not to just tell the undiluted gospel and minister to people's souls, or to do a social gospel and only minister to their bodies (never about both).  Who is the better speaker.  What colour the carpet should be.  

Fifty years ago the questions were different.  Whether to wear a hat or not in church. What colour the hymn books should be.  Hymns versus choruses.  Whether or not to go to the movies.  Whether to use music in church at all. Whether to wear makeup or not. Two piece versus three piece suits.  What denomination is the right one.

Hmmm.  I guess the questions aren't that different.


I was recently visiting a friend's blog ( Merge the Village ) and he had put a clip on it from a keynote speaker by the name of Francis Chan.  I'm including it here - it's about seven and a half minutes long and poses the question, "Does my life fit ?" It gels something I've thought for quite a while and couldn't seem to put into the right words.  Have a look -

What if - just what if - we could live life the way the people did in the book of Acts?  I'm not talking about the culture of the ancient Middle East here.  I'm talking about living in the moment, every moment, in touch with and listening to the Spirit of God.  Wow - wouldn't that be transformational not only to us individually but to the church - and then spilling out into the world around us ?

The people in our culture are just as broken - if not more so - than the people who lived in the days of the 12 apostles and so many others who lived in this lifestyle of dependence on God, like Dorcas, Aquila, Stephen and Philip. They all had families to feed too; they had stuff to do.  The things they did that are recorded in the book of Acts are those that transcended those mundane details.

The human suffering is just as real.  And it's not just limited to the people addicted to crack or selling their bodies on street-corners.  

It's in respectable living rooms, bound up in hopeless people watching soap operas and wondering if their lives could ever matter that much to anyone.  It's in church pews, stuck in empty religious tradition and "true lies" people tell to each other to keep them at arm's length, afraid of intimacy, afraid of rejection.  People so afraid that someone will judge them that they pretend to have it all together - and inside they're dying, crying, sighing.  Wondering if this is all there is.  Wondering where God went.

The answer is not in doing more, or in railing against the way the world is going to hell in a hand-basket, or in electing more Christians to office.  The answer is heart-based.  It's in allowing God in to those dark places in us and shining His light, transforming us from the inside out.  Accepting that He loves us - forgives us - in spite of our failures.  And living in that love, being grateful enough to spend time with Him and hear His voice every day, every moment.  

That's where the adventure begins. 

What's in it for me?

Every once in a while, a pastor or minister will preach a sermon on something that believers "ought" to be doing. Praying, reading the Bible, tithing, and so forth.

Let's use tithing - a largely misunderstood concept - for the sake of argument. It's commanded in Malachi 3:10 - give a tenth of the income to God, right off the top. After exposing their heart attitudes of "giving God the leftovers", God actually dares the people to test the principle of "tithing off the top of the pile" and see for themselves the blessing He will pour into their lives because they put Him first.

Face value is face value; the principle of tithing does work. But fear value is fear value too. Jesus is about the heart. He is about generosity out of a sense of gratitude, not out of a sense of obligation or of fear of what will happen if we don't "toe the line."

I believe in tithing; I tithe because He gave everything for me, and to remind myself that He gets first place, my best, not leftovers. Time after time God has provided for me as I have given Him not only my money but also every area of my life. I'm not disputing that tithing "works"; I have experienced it in my life. But to hear some of these preachers talk, you'd think that God is into retribution if you don't tithe, that the church isn't in revival because not everyone in the whole church tithes, that the reason why the Lord's return isn't happening is because somehow we are preventing it by not doing what we are supposed to do. The rules and regulations start coming out of the woodwork, and always and ever, the "promise" of blessing (or the withholding of it) is held out like a club over your head.

That wasn't God's intent. He wanted people to give their money, not because He needs it (because He doesn't!!) but as a symbol, a reminder that He made the first move by making it possible for us to even approach Him in the first place. We give out of gratitude for what He has given, not out of a desire to get more (even if we DO intend to bless others with it!) Focusing on the blessing in store - is bribing (see the drawing above) and it misses the whole point. It puts the focus on our performance, not on Him. The whole idea of 'blessing' (and the crafty ones say it's not just financial blessing but miracles, revival, etc.) in return for tithing, just panders to the idea that we can help God do His work, that we can hinder His plan by not doing what we are "supposed" to do, that we can make His kingdom appear on earth just because we open our pocketbooks or our wallets. Another term for all that is "the pride of life." The "reward" aspect of it appeals to the lust of the eyes (it looks/sounds good, appeals to our sense of equity) and the lust of the flesh (we can get more stuff if we give more). The enemy perpetrates this kind of "gimme" heresy by mixing it with the truth that putting God first in everything is its own reward.

The missing ingredient (as with all religion-based heresy) is the heart-attitude. It's out of a profound sense of thankfulness that we give... not to get a blessing.

Jesus started a kingdom of the heart without money. Not without personal cost to Him - but without money. He Himself said that His kingdom is not of this world because if it were, His servants would fight. He was the One who took the initiative. Humans had nothing to do with this. Humans didn't choose the time of His coming; God did. Humans didn't even believe He was who He said He was. He came anyway. Even if NOBODY ever accepted His free gift, He STILL would have gone to the cross. That's love. That's heart. That's giving.

That's the point.

You and I were made to worship

A while back I was watching and listening to Hillsong’s “Glory” on Youtube.
Listen to it here
... and these were some of the thoughts I wrote down while I listened ...

Such a blessing it is to see people worshiping God freely!! The song itself is a vehicle to bring the heart back to what’s most important.

Often, people in the course of a week can accumulate layers of caked-on filth, like people long ago used to accumulate on their feet when they walked in sandals on dirt roads. Praise and worship – especially worship – is like the water that washes that contamination off. More often than not, it takes a good soaking to loosen the dirt of cares and burdens that comes from our contact with the world, and let it be washed away. In practical terms, two or three songs often isn’t going to touch that place in us that really needs to be touched and cleansed so that we’re receptive to what God wants to do to move us inside the outer court of our flesh, into the spirit realm where He can meet with us.

I'm now listening to "related links" - as one song finishes I click on another in the same theme.

We underestimate the amazing power of corporate worship. We underestimate it because that’s what the enemy of our souls wants. He used to lead worship in God’s throne room, before his fall to Earth. He knows how powerful it is. That’s why satan targets worship and worship leaders before anything or anyone else. He knows that in real worship (there with unveiled face beholding a reflection of the glory of the Lord) we are touched in our spirits and there, transformed from glory to glory. That’s the last thing he wants. So he uses our human need for structure, perhaps our concern with how we are being received by people, and our tradition – especially our tradition (focus on time constraints, order of service, doing the “right things”) – to fool us into thinking that worship is what we do to get ready for the sermon, or to fill in time until everyone else is there. Even if we understand the power of worship, he uses our discouragement that nobody else is “getting it” to make us not pursue the face of God ourselves or be interested in pushing past the barrier of the layers of self-protection that people bring to church.

As I’ve been typing, and therefore distracted somewhat (aren’t we all distracted somewhat when we come into the sanctuary on Sunday morning, distracted from the happenings of the week in our various backgrounds?), I have been listening to song after song, and now it’s some six songs I’ve heard. At first I was opening my eyes to the beauty of people worshiping. Then my mind was challenged by the message I knew I had to communicate regarding the importance of worship. Only now am I opening my spirit to the presence of the Almighty One. And I’m musically oriented. Music is who I am, what I do, how I identify myself.

How much we miss, how greatly we rob ourselves of experiencing God’s vast and amazing love and grace ... by not tarrying in His presence!! It’s all well and good to preach and teach, to exhort people in righteousness, but the power to do all that comes from the Spirit of God. Without connection with the Spirit – through intimacy with God (and one powerful vehicle for that intimacy is through worship), there is absolutely no power to accomplish the things we are told we “should” do...and we end up frustrated and desolate inside. That’s no way to live. I know because that’s where I lived for decades. No more.

The services at our church used to start at 11 am. Sunday school at 9:45. Then church at 11. Then we moved Sunday school to Wednesday night, and moved church from 11 to 10:30, a half-hour earlier. Why? Because we wanted to be able to devote more time to worship and still have people out of the building by 1 p.m. One o’clock. Not twelve. Same reason for moving the evening service from 7 to 6:30. I remember – I was there. After a while, people forgot the reason, and thought it might be a good opportunity to have more time for themselves Sunday afternoon and Sunday night after the services.

Have we in the Western church become so paralyzed by the clock, by tradition, by our own little schedules, that we are afraid to go beyond our comfort zones?? Have we forgotten what it’s like to be so enthralled with God that we feel that the line-up at Swiss Chalet can go fly a kite?? Have we stopped expecting God to show up in power and anointing in our meetings?? If we have, then why would we go? As Moses said, "If You don't go with us, Lord, we don't want to move forward at all."

These are some of the thoughts I’ve had during the last few weeks, thoughts which have been slowly gelling.

Be blessed with the awareness of His presence, today and always.