The Road to Forgiveness

I want to say at the outset that forgiveness is not, repeat NOT, a one-time decision.  You don't wake up one day and say, "I think I'll forgive ____ for hurting me."  It just doesn't happen.  If someone has told you it happens, that person was lying to you - and probably lying to him or her self. 

No.  Forgiveness is a PROCESS.  I've said it before on this blog and I'll say it again because it bears repeating. 

I'll also say (again) that forgiveness is NOT:
- making excuses for the person,
- saying "there's nothing to forgive,"
- ignoring the problem, or 
- medicating your feelings with whatever makes you (temporarily) feel good.

The process of which forgiveness is a vital part, is as different from one person to another as their personalities.  The length of time it takes is as varied as a day to a lifetime. But even though the journey is different for each person, it always goes through certain stages (the length of which depends on the severity of the wrong committed and whether or not it was a one-time thing):
- hurt (the initial emotional response);
- anger (the God-given protective response);
- grief (releasing what you have lost - what the offender took from you or poisoned);
- acceptance (of the offender's part and of your own);
- forgiveness (letting go of your right to punish the offender); and
- healing (moving on).

Link for this photo is HERE

This cycle can be repeated with the same person for the same offense (especially if the hurt is deep or has taken place over a long time) - or a new hurt can piggyback onto an older one and start the process all over again. It doesn't mean that the person in the forgiveness process has failed.  

A person does not need to feel guilty for having feelings that are normal and healthy to have, while going through this process.  It is what it is WHILE it is, and God is in charge of the process.  (Or did I forget to mention that at the outset?) 

It's humanly impossible to forgive a deep or long-standing hurt. In human strength, well, you can never do it by yourself.  Other human friends can help, but the process is supernatural in nature and as such, requires divine help. 

It takes as long as it takes. 

And it is not, nor should it ever be, equated with walking back into an abusive situation just because you've "forgiven."  You can forgive without being foolish. Certain people are just plain poison.  Forgiveness won't change them; in fact, they'll take advantage of you if they can, and will try to convince you that "forgive and forget" is in the Bible somewhere.  It isn't.  The only One who forgets (and that, by choice) is God.  It is not a human trait.  One day, after we've shed our earthly bodies, all tears will be wiped away from our eyes - - but until then, it will be impossible to forget the deep hurts.  It doesn't mean that we've not forgiven.  That's not what forgiveness is.  

Forgiveness - when you get there and not before - is a releasing of your right to expect the other person to repay you for whatever it is he or she took from you, whether that was self-respect, trust, possessions, innocence, or whatever. One thing that helped me come to this place toward my abusers was a statement that a speaker came out with in one of her talks: "The moment that person took whatever it is from you, it flew away, never to return.  That person can NEVER give that back to you because he or she doesn't have it anymore.  It's gone.  So you have a choice now.  You can hold onto something that doesn't exist anymore - or you can let it go." 

The alternative is what one dear old recovering alcoholic said once: "Not forgiving is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die."

All it takes is a willingness to begin the healing process, and a simple request made to God to walk you through it.