I see it a lot in some families, organizations, social circles. It's the tendency of some people to become so involved, so personally invested in the lives and choices of the ones they care about, that they will actually infringe on the rights of their loved ones to make their own choices, even think their own thoughts - out of an intense need to be needed.
One person I know describes it as "being up each other's noses." It's an accurate and descriptive metaphor that speaks of not being able to make a move without the other person (people) knowing.
Psychologists call it "enmeshment." It's when one's sense of where the self stops and the other person begins ... gets blurred, tangled - the boundaries eventually cease to exist. The other person's hurts become the self's hurts ... to the extent that it is impossible for the self to find any happiness if the other is not happy.
It's extremely dysfunctional.
It's like a vine wrapping itself around a tree. You wouldn't think it would make a difference - after all, vines are a lot more flimsy than trees. But the vine grows up close to the tree, nice and cozy, entwining itself around the trunk, tangling itself in the branches. And as it gets older, it gets thicker. It squeezes more and more.
The bark of the tree gets a dent in it. The vine's growth deforms it ... the tree gives in more and more and more... and eventually the vine chokes the life out of the tree. And when the tree dies ... eventually the vine does too - because trees inevitably fall over when they're dead - and the vine's roots get ripped up; there is no way to separate the two plants. They've become too entangled.
That's scary. It's even scarier to realize that this is what emotional enmeshment, entangling, does to humans - on both sides. There is no room to grow, to develop, to become all that each can be. There is no room to breathe.
Untangling - disengagement if you will - is possible. It takes quite a while, especially after a lifetime of doing it, but ... the alternative is a life of disappointment, loneliness, bitterness, and resentment. And humans are a tad more resilient than trees AND vines.
The concept of untangling is simple. It is based on a few simple statements.
I am me. I have the right to have my own feelings and opinions, my own choices, apart from yours.
You are you. You have the right to have your own feelings and opinions, to make your own choices, apart from mine.
I have no control over your choices or your consequences. You have no control over mine.
I can accept and respect you for your uniqueness. You can do the same with me. We are different, but that does not need to threaten either of us.
You can grow. And so can I.
One person I know describes it as "being up each other's noses." It's an accurate and descriptive metaphor that speaks of not being able to make a move without the other person (people) knowing.
| I got this photo HERE. Interesting article, too. |
Psychologists call it "enmeshment." It's when one's sense of where the self stops and the other person begins ... gets blurred, tangled - the boundaries eventually cease to exist. The other person's hurts become the self's hurts ... to the extent that it is impossible for the self to find any happiness if the other is not happy.
It's extremely dysfunctional.
It's like a vine wrapping itself around a tree. You wouldn't think it would make a difference - after all, vines are a lot more flimsy than trees. But the vine grows up close to the tree, nice and cozy, entwining itself around the trunk, tangling itself in the branches. And as it gets older, it gets thicker. It squeezes more and more.
The bark of the tree gets a dent in it. The vine's growth deforms it ... the tree gives in more and more and more... and eventually the vine chokes the life out of the tree. And when the tree dies ... eventually the vine does too - because trees inevitably fall over when they're dead - and the vine's roots get ripped up; there is no way to separate the two plants. They've become too entangled.
That's scary. It's even scarier to realize that this is what emotional enmeshment, entangling, does to humans - on both sides. There is no room to grow, to develop, to become all that each can be. There is no room to breathe.
Untangling - disengagement if you will - is possible. It takes quite a while, especially after a lifetime of doing it, but ... the alternative is a life of disappointment, loneliness, bitterness, and resentment. And humans are a tad more resilient than trees AND vines.
The concept of untangling is simple. It is based on a few simple statements.
I am me. I have the right to have my own feelings and opinions, my own choices, apart from yours.
You are you. You have the right to have your own feelings and opinions, to make your own choices, apart from mine.
I have no control over your choices or your consequences. You have no control over mine.
I can accept and respect you for your uniqueness. You can do the same with me. We are different, but that does not need to threaten either of us.
You can grow. And so can I.
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