The last few months, I've been focusing on working out my response to some burning and long-standing boundary issues with my birth family. Basically the Cole's Notes version is that (1) I have boundaries now, and that I need to look after myself, and (2) they - well - they don't get that.
I've been trying very hard to figure out what is the right thing to do, praying about it, talking it over with people I trust.
It all boils down to this. What I've really been trying to do is the same old thing: trying to get these people to think better of me. It is difficult for me to accept that the people who are supposed to be my safe haven - just aren't. How sad is that? not only for me, but for them?
About two weeks ago, I got a relatively long letter ready to send to one family member in particular, explaining my reasons for pulling away and setting a boundary based on her behaviour. But I didn't send it. As loving a tone as I tried to set for what I thought I had to say - deep inside I knew that what I had to say would hurt this person, because she doesn't understand in the least and would take anything I said as a personal attack. I know this because that is what has been done so many times in the past by this permanent citizen of the continent of Victim-land. (I know the terrain well; I used to live there, right by the river of Denial next to the over-inhabited city of Martyrdom. It's a sad, pitiful place.)
I just shredded the letter this morning.
Last week, on a totally unrelated matter, I sent a second letter to someone else - in response to an inner prompting that didn't have anything to do with me. It was only a couple of paragraphs, and it was to someone I care for very much - who is NOT a family member. As it happened, (and as God usually does) the letter arrived just at the right time, and met an emotional need that went beyond anything I could have imagined. The timing was ... well, it was perfect. And God worked it out perfectly. I was humbled - awed - by it all and I still am.
As I pondered this morning about those two letters, the differences between my motivations for writing them came crashing through. The second had nothing to do with myself but only with the person to whom I sent it, and only to build up and encourage.
The first, on the other hand, had more to do with justifying my choices and my feelings to someone who could no more understand them - than a person completely blind from birth could understand the colour red. Different universe. As Someone wise said once, "[Don't] cast your pearls before swine, lest they turn on you ... and tear you apart ..." Basically that means that if someone couldn't possibly understand - don't give them ammunition to use against you. Because they will.
Point taken. :s
Comparing the two letters, I realized that I felt about each of the intended recipients in opposite ways, too. The first was written to someone with whom I have never felt and still do not feel emotionally safe, nor do I trust that person around my children or my husband. She would find a way to end up making me look like the villain, a classic case of projection (attributing to another person one's own motives and character while hiding those very things from oneself).
If I can't trust her with my own loved ones, what makes me think I can trust her with words on paper conveying my innermost thoughts? No, as difficult as it is for me to refrain from self-justification, I must.
The second letter recipient, though, has been a friend through a lot of ups and downs - and has been a safe place to land and be myself when I needed to be loved and not judged.
She is a kindred spirit. A sheltered harbour. A welcoming soul.
When I prayed for clarification as to my motivations and whether to send that first letter (to the unsafe person), I was shown - given a bigger picture from higher up - how I don't need to chase after the approval of someone who will never approve of me.
And conversely, I don't need to keep asking for approval from someone who already loves me anyway (wouldn't it be insulting after a while if your spouse or your child came to you every single day and asked if you approved of him or her?) I can accept that I am already accepted. I don't have to prove anything.
As a people-pleaser in my natural state, I would normally be blind to that sort of thing. It's not something I would have seen on my own. So I am grateful for this epiphany. Even though it might not seem like a big deal to someone else, it's a lesson I never learned in active codependency, and I am thankful. It's simply this, in a nutshell: seeking approval from anyone but God only leads to heartache in one way or another - for me, or for the person from whom I am seeking approval. Or both.
And in the final analysis, God's opinion is the only one that matters anyway.
What a relief!!
I've been trying very hard to figure out what is the right thing to do, praying about it, talking it over with people I trust.
It all boils down to this. What I've really been trying to do is the same old thing: trying to get these people to think better of me. It is difficult for me to accept that the people who are supposed to be my safe haven - just aren't. How sad is that? not only for me, but for them?
About two weeks ago, I got a relatively long letter ready to send to one family member in particular, explaining my reasons for pulling away and setting a boundary based on her behaviour. But I didn't send it. As loving a tone as I tried to set for what I thought I had to say - deep inside I knew that what I had to say would hurt this person, because she doesn't understand in the least and would take anything I said as a personal attack. I know this because that is what has been done so many times in the past by this permanent citizen of the continent of Victim-land. (I know the terrain well; I used to live there, right by the river of Denial next to the over-inhabited city of Martyrdom. It's a sad, pitiful place.)
I just shredded the letter this morning.
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| Found this photo at THIS SITE |
Last week, on a totally unrelated matter, I sent a second letter to someone else - in response to an inner prompting that didn't have anything to do with me. It was only a couple of paragraphs, and it was to someone I care for very much - who is NOT a family member. As it happened, (and as God usually does) the letter arrived just at the right time, and met an emotional need that went beyond anything I could have imagined. The timing was ... well, it was perfect. And God worked it out perfectly. I was humbled - awed - by it all and I still am.
As I pondered this morning about those two letters, the differences between my motivations for writing them came crashing through. The second had nothing to do with myself but only with the person to whom I sent it, and only to build up and encourage.
The first, on the other hand, had more to do with justifying my choices and my feelings to someone who could no more understand them - than a person completely blind from birth could understand the colour red. Different universe. As Someone wise said once, "[Don't] cast your pearls before swine, lest they turn on you ... and tear you apart ..." Basically that means that if someone couldn't possibly understand - don't give them ammunition to use against you. Because they will.
Point taken. :s
Comparing the two letters, I realized that I felt about each of the intended recipients in opposite ways, too. The first was written to someone with whom I have never felt and still do not feel emotionally safe, nor do I trust that person around my children or my husband. She would find a way to end up making me look like the villain, a classic case of projection (attributing to another person one's own motives and character while hiding those very things from oneself).
If I can't trust her with my own loved ones, what makes me think I can trust her with words on paper conveying my innermost thoughts? No, as difficult as it is for me to refrain from self-justification, I must.
The second letter recipient, though, has been a friend through a lot of ups and downs - and has been a safe place to land and be myself when I needed to be loved and not judged.
She is a kindred spirit. A sheltered harbour. A welcoming soul.
When I prayed for clarification as to my motivations and whether to send that first letter (to the unsafe person), I was shown - given a bigger picture from higher up - how I don't need to chase after the approval of someone who will never approve of me.
And conversely, I don't need to keep asking for approval from someone who already loves me anyway (wouldn't it be insulting after a while if your spouse or your child came to you every single day and asked if you approved of him or her?) I can accept that I am already accepted. I don't have to prove anything.
As a people-pleaser in my natural state, I would normally be blind to that sort of thing. It's not something I would have seen on my own. So I am grateful for this epiphany. Even though it might not seem like a big deal to someone else, it's a lesson I never learned in active codependency, and I am thankful. It's simply this, in a nutshell: seeking approval from anyone but God only leads to heartache in one way or another - for me, or for the person from whom I am seeking approval. Or both.
And in the final analysis, God's opinion is the only one that matters anyway.
What a relief!!
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