One of the techniques I learned when my children were small was a little concept known as "looking for yes."
When I was growing up, I'd ask whether I could have this thing, do that thing, go that place. Sometimes the answer was yes. Most times - it was no. Just a flat no. No other options, nothing. If I didn't like it - and said so - well, let's just say the results weren't pleasant.
When my own children were small, I knew that the task ahead was daunting at best. Children are pretty much BORN saying, "I want." (What else do you think "Waaaaah"means?) I was fortunate to find the help of a tremendous group of women who taught me that it was okay to trust my baby's signals and respond to them. Through them, I was led to a book that became a bible of sorts for child-rearing: How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk - by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (Wow, I just checked and it's still available online!) - They provided a LOT of techniques, and one of those was looking for yes.
The idea was that even if you must say no to your child, you provide him with a choice or an option of what he or she CAN do instead. Example: "No, we can't go to the corner store but we can either put on a video or do some painting." I found when I used that choice, I didn't frustrate my kids nearly as much. They were happier more often. They could make a choice and feel like I was not "against" them. Instead of "I can't," they learned to say to themselves, "I can."
I have used this technique as they have grown older and for the most part, it still works, amazingly. And just lately - I've begun to use it on myself to start to deal with my tendency to see the glass half-empty and to criticize before listening. Example: No, I can't control what this person thinks, believes, does or says. But I can listen to some music and feed my soul, or I can go do some housework (I RARELY opt for this unless I'm really angry), or I can write my feelings down and work through them, and then let go.
Looking for Yes is working, even though I KNOW I'm using the technique on myself! It opens my mind a bit more to the idea that I am accepted and loved by my Creator. As I do, I find I am happier, too.
When I was growing up, I'd ask whether I could have this thing, do that thing, go that place. Sometimes the answer was yes. Most times - it was no. Just a flat no. No other options, nothing. If I didn't like it - and said so - well, let's just say the results weren't pleasant.
When my own children were small, I knew that the task ahead was daunting at best. Children are pretty much BORN saying, "I want." (What else do you think "Waaaaah"means?) I was fortunate to find the help of a tremendous group of women who taught me that it was okay to trust my baby's signals and respond to them. Through them, I was led to a book that became a bible of sorts for child-rearing: How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk - by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (Wow, I just checked and it's still available online!) - They provided a LOT of techniques, and one of those was looking for yes.
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| Source (via Google Images): http://piecesofcontentment.blogspot.ca/2011/10/simple-joys.html |
I have used this technique as they have grown older and for the most part, it still works, amazingly. And just lately - I've begun to use it on myself to start to deal with my tendency to see the glass half-empty and to criticize before listening. Example: No, I can't control what this person thinks, believes, does or says. But I can listen to some music and feed my soul, or I can go do some housework (I RARELY opt for this unless I'm really angry), or I can write my feelings down and work through them, and then let go.
Looking for Yes is working, even though I KNOW I'm using the technique on myself! It opens my mind a bit more to the idea that I am accepted and loved by my Creator. As I do, I find I am happier, too.
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