One of the things about this new life of healing and recovery is that as it progresses, there are fewer and fewer places to hide. The lifestyle of rigorous honesty, of living in God's searchlight, is such that it pervades Every. Single. Thing. Every facet of my existence is open to scrutiny, and can be an occasion for God to put His finger on something that needs to happen in my life, some way I need to grow, some new fear or challenge that needs to be conquered. And ONLY by His presence and power in my life - because I tried to do it on my own ... and failed - over and over again.
As He frees me more and more of the shackles of my own self-deceptions and hindrances to intimacy with Him, (and I am far from having arrived!!) I tend to notice things more easily than I used to.
I notice when I'm being manipulated, for example. I notice it when people lie - even for reasons they may think are good - and it bothers me because ... well, because in this new way of living, I've learned that lying - even if my motives are good - ALWAYS leads to heartache. So does manipulation. And taking people on guilt trips. All things I was VERY good at.
I hid there for years. It was a safe place ... at least I thought it was. It was also a very lonely place. I was so secure in "being right" that I pushed away everyone in my life that cared about me. Nobody wanted to be around me - and those who had to be, tolerated me at best. Hiding in my fortress of control - whether I exercised that control through playing the victim card or through intimidating my children with all my religious clap-trap - kept me from being happy.
This road I've been traveling for the last three years has brought me much farther out into the open than I ever was comfortable with, and the transition is ... well, uncomfortable! Yet, I'm more easily able to seek those things which will be beneficial to me because I've come to be a bit more at ease inside my own skin. The changes in me - and that is the key word : "IN" me - are slowly making changes automatically in my words, my relationships, my behavior. I don't have to grunt and groan and strain to make them happen. They just DO.
And instead of this uneasy and squirming, foreboding feeling when talking to God, like I was being called to the principal's office or something, I am more free to seek Him out and just spend time with Him. No agendas. No prayer list. No chapter-a-day stuff. Just me and Him. The conversation takes place whether I'm aware of it or not. Sometimes I'll just muse (seemingly to myself...) "Hm. It would be really nice if this (fill in the blank) happened." And when it does, I find myself pleasantly surprised - suddenly it comes to me that I spoke about it ... and God heard me. "Wow - thanks God! That was pretty cool!"
It's kind of an assumption that I have come to make that He's always with me, whether I'm conscious of it or not. So I don't need to hide anymore. The game of hide and seek has been turned on its ear and gone back to the way it was before the "rules" took over.
Oh come on, I'm sure you get it. You know how it is, you've seen it happen when a child who is too young to understand the rules of hide-and-seek "ruins" it for the older ones by jumping out and shouting "Here I am!" The pure joy of being found is obvious to the toddler. That's where I am starting to live now, spiritually (in other words, in relationship with God) as well as in other areas. I have skulked around in the darkness and in the corners - bound up by the 'rules' - long enough to know that even making it to 'home base' (like, for example, being right or winning an argument) brings only temporary satisfaction - and always at someone else's expense. And the 'hiding' - the fear of being found out, of being exposed - that is so not healthy.
So, as much as I know how ... here I am.
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| Image via Google - source: http://hearts-for-him.blogspot.ca/2011/12/hide-and-seek.html |
I notice when I'm being manipulated, for example. I notice it when people lie - even for reasons they may think are good - and it bothers me because ... well, because in this new way of living, I've learned that lying - even if my motives are good - ALWAYS leads to heartache. So does manipulation. And taking people on guilt trips. All things I was VERY good at.
I hid there for years. It was a safe place ... at least I thought it was. It was also a very lonely place. I was so secure in "being right" that I pushed away everyone in my life that cared about me. Nobody wanted to be around me - and those who had to be, tolerated me at best. Hiding in my fortress of control - whether I exercised that control through playing the victim card or through intimidating my children with all my religious clap-trap - kept me from being happy.
This road I've been traveling for the last three years has brought me much farther out into the open than I ever was comfortable with, and the transition is ... well, uncomfortable! Yet, I'm more easily able to seek those things which will be beneficial to me because I've come to be a bit more at ease inside my own skin. The changes in me - and that is the key word : "IN" me - are slowly making changes automatically in my words, my relationships, my behavior. I don't have to grunt and groan and strain to make them happen. They just DO.
And instead of this uneasy and squirming, foreboding feeling when talking to God, like I was being called to the principal's office or something, I am more free to seek Him out and just spend time with Him. No agendas. No prayer list. No chapter-a-day stuff. Just me and Him. The conversation takes place whether I'm aware of it or not. Sometimes I'll just muse (seemingly to myself...) "Hm. It would be really nice if this (fill in the blank) happened." And when it does, I find myself pleasantly surprised - suddenly it comes to me that I spoke about it ... and God heard me. "Wow - thanks God! That was pretty cool!"
It's kind of an assumption that I have come to make that He's always with me, whether I'm conscious of it or not. So I don't need to hide anymore. The game of hide and seek has been turned on its ear and gone back to the way it was before the "rules" took over.
Oh come on, I'm sure you get it. You know how it is, you've seen it happen when a child who is too young to understand the rules of hide-and-seek "ruins" it for the older ones by jumping out and shouting "Here I am!" The pure joy of being found is obvious to the toddler. That's where I am starting to live now, spiritually (in other words, in relationship with God) as well as in other areas. I have skulked around in the darkness and in the corners - bound up by the 'rules' - long enough to know that even making it to 'home base' (like, for example, being right or winning an argument) brings only temporary satisfaction - and always at someone else's expense. And the 'hiding' - the fear of being found out, of being exposed - that is so not healthy.
So, as much as I know how ... here I am.
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