I'm a recovering codependent.
It is an effort for me to let people make their own mistakes without trying to rush in and fix things, or to fix the people. When I put on my "Fix-it" cap, people either become more dependent on me (which breeds resentment on both sides) or they immediately beome defensive and angry.
Usually.
However, there are times when the "caretaking" skills come in handy - like when someone I love is literally unable to care for himself or herself.
Like this weekend. My eldest fell on a patch of black ice while trying to get into the family vehicle. In that fall, she twisted her left knee so much so that the patella (kneecap) shifted around to the outside - and she had to shift it back until it "clicked" into place (shuddddder.)
We finally (that is, after over 24 hours of arguing) convinced her that she needed to have it seen. Her dad took her to an emergency room in a hospital which is an hour's drive away - one that is known for shorter wait times. She was seen very quickly, X-rayed to exclude the possibility of a bone chip or cracked patella, had a huge knee-brace put on her leg to keep it straight - and referred to an extremely good orthopedic surgeon here in our community. The wait time to see him is usually 2 to 3 months. He called this morning and wants to meet her at our local hospital a week from tomorrow. (This gives the swelling time to go down so an MRI can get a better picture, quite likely).
Oh ... did I forget to mention that she RE-injured the knee trying to get back into the house (5 stairs up to the top of the deck plus a lu-lu of a doorstep to get into the house) with the knee brace on? Once again, she had to click the patella back in place. In the rain. Sitting on a wet deck. The whole thing was a nightmare for all concerned - especially her.
Anyway... today I called my boss and told her that I'd be taking some time off today to look after my daughter and arrange ways for her to look after herself in the day-to-day.
If I need to, I'll take leave without pay to look after her, but I hope it doesn't come to that.
Her dad is running unexpected errands today - getting items we never thought we'd need: a hand-held shower head, other assorted household items, a wheelchair rental, materials to build a ramp from the top of the deck to the driveway - and I'm looking at ways to get her access to the things she normally uses in the run of a day, so that she can function from day to day without help.
And herein is the greatest difference between the way I would have handled this four years ago and the way I'm approaching it now. I'm actually actively seeking ways for her to be independent. Before, I would have lapped this up and wanted more. Yes, in a way I am enjoying the opportunity to look after her hand and foot. However, I know that this is a danger zone for me - so I need to ask myself, even now, if this (whatever it is) is something I NEED to do or if I should let her try to figure it out on her own.
Sometimes it's appropriate for me to offer my help; after that, though, it's more appropriate to make a way for her to do things for herself.
It's a learning process. And I'm learning.
It is an effort for me to let people make their own mistakes without trying to rush in and fix things, or to fix the people. When I put on my "Fix-it" cap, people either become more dependent on me (which breeds resentment on both sides) or they immediately beome defensive and angry.
Usually.
However, there are times when the "caretaking" skills come in handy - like when someone I love is literally unable to care for himself or herself.
Like this weekend. My eldest fell on a patch of black ice while trying to get into the family vehicle. In that fall, she twisted her left knee so much so that the patella (kneecap) shifted around to the outside - and she had to shift it back until it "clicked" into place (shuddddder.)
We finally (that is, after over 24 hours of arguing) convinced her that she needed to have it seen. Her dad took her to an emergency room in a hospital which is an hour's drive away - one that is known for shorter wait times. She was seen very quickly, X-rayed to exclude the possibility of a bone chip or cracked patella, had a huge knee-brace put on her leg to keep it straight - and referred to an extremely good orthopedic surgeon here in our community. The wait time to see him is usually 2 to 3 months. He called this morning and wants to meet her at our local hospital a week from tomorrow. (This gives the swelling time to go down so an MRI can get a better picture, quite likely).
Oh ... did I forget to mention that she RE-injured the knee trying to get back into the house (5 stairs up to the top of the deck plus a lu-lu of a doorstep to get into the house) with the knee brace on? Once again, she had to click the patella back in place. In the rain. Sitting on a wet deck. The whole thing was a nightmare for all concerned - especially her.
 |
| A hand-held shower: simple solution to mobility problems |
If I need to, I'll take leave without pay to look after her, but I hope it doesn't come to that.
Her dad is running unexpected errands today - getting items we never thought we'd need: a hand-held shower head, other assorted household items, a wheelchair rental, materials to build a ramp from the top of the deck to the driveway - and I'm looking at ways to get her access to the things she normally uses in the run of a day, so that she can function from day to day without help.
And herein is the greatest difference between the way I would have handled this four years ago and the way I'm approaching it now. I'm actually actively seeking ways for her to be independent. Before, I would have lapped this up and wanted more. Yes, in a way I am enjoying the opportunity to look after her hand and foot. However, I know that this is a danger zone for me - so I need to ask myself, even now, if this (whatever it is) is something I NEED to do or if I should let her try to figure it out on her own.
Sometimes it's appropriate for me to offer my help; after that, though, it's more appropriate to make a way for her to do things for herself.
It's a learning process. And I'm learning.
No comments:
Post a Comment