Some time ago, I was talking to an acquaintance of mine and telling her some things about her that I appreciated. I told her that she was a sweet person, or something to that effect. She stopped me right there. "Oh, I dunno about that Judy," she drawled. "I don't think you know me well enough to say that about me."
When I looked puzzled, she continued. "I think that if you knew what I was really like, you wouldn't say such great things about me."
Really?
Does everyone do this? Does everyone put up a force field of behaviors they think are socially acceptable and hide the fears, the failings, the vulnerabilities they think they have, just to "fit in" to what they think is considered 'nice'?
Huh. I thought I was the only one. The last few years for me has all been about bringing down those force fields and being real so that people knew who I was and not the image I would like them to see.
I know it's hard - letting down that kind of guard puts a person into a position where he or she might get hurt, attacked, betrayed or (what's worse) deliberately ignored. But when I had all those force fields up and running, I always wondered if people hung around with me (IF they did) because of my facades, what I wanted them to see, or because of who I really was ... if I even knew what that was (let alone them!)
Sometimes letting down those force fields has resulted in confrontations I would have rather avoided. Sometimes it's even led to enforcing boundaries ... to the point of saying goodbye. And sometimes, friends, it has resulted in ever-deepening relationships with people who are trustworthy, who treat me as an equal rather than an idol or a slave, who deserve the same treatment from me and (usually) get it!
My definitions of family, friendship, loyalty, forgiveness, trust, and caring have all undergone radical transformations in the last few years. Those who know me best tell me that they hardly recognize me compared to the person I used to be. All I can tell them is that this is an ongoing process, that I do whatever is put in front of me to do, and that I strive to be as real as I can be and trust those who have demonstrated that they are trustworthy. And, strange as it may seem, I like this new me - the one with far fewer force fields - much better than the one who had put up so many of them that she was trapped inside with (it seemed) no way out.
There is a way out - one force field at a time.
When I looked puzzled, she continued. "I think that if you knew what I was really like, you wouldn't say such great things about me."
Really?
Does everyone do this? Does everyone put up a force field of behaviors they think are socially acceptable and hide the fears, the failings, the vulnerabilities they think they have, just to "fit in" to what they think is considered 'nice'?
Huh. I thought I was the only one. The last few years for me has all been about bringing down those force fields and being real so that people knew who I was and not the image I would like them to see.
I know it's hard - letting down that kind of guard puts a person into a position where he or she might get hurt, attacked, betrayed or (what's worse) deliberately ignored. But when I had all those force fields up and running, I always wondered if people hung around with me (IF they did) because of my facades, what I wanted them to see, or because of who I really was ... if I even knew what that was (let alone them!)
Sometimes letting down those force fields has resulted in confrontations I would have rather avoided. Sometimes it's even led to enforcing boundaries ... to the point of saying goodbye. And sometimes, friends, it has resulted in ever-deepening relationships with people who are trustworthy, who treat me as an equal rather than an idol or a slave, who deserve the same treatment from me and (usually) get it!
My definitions of family, friendship, loyalty, forgiveness, trust, and caring have all undergone radical transformations in the last few years. Those who know me best tell me that they hardly recognize me compared to the person I used to be. All I can tell them is that this is an ongoing process, that I do whatever is put in front of me to do, and that I strive to be as real as I can be and trust those who have demonstrated that they are trustworthy. And, strange as it may seem, I like this new me - the one with far fewer force fields - much better than the one who had put up so many of them that she was trapped inside with (it seemed) no way out.
There is a way out - one force field at a time.
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