Friday, February 10, 2012

My Little Trooper

Over the last few days, I've been watching my youngest child go through a lot of pain and sickness.  

It's hard to watch someone you love be in pain and not be able to do anything to help.  It's harder to know that it could be serious; you just don't know, and you have to wait to get answers.  

I've caught myself struggling with control issues and boundaries the last couple of days.  That is, me wanting to control, to supervise, to protect.  It's difficult to know where the line is, because I was so used to there not "being" a line - and I didn't want to cross it now that there was one.  

But I've come to understand that sometimes people who are vulnerable need to be protected, and that it's the decision of the person being "protected" whether or not it's appropriate  (big revelation!!)  

As it happened, my daughter was grateful for my advocacy for her with the medical staff, when often she didn't know what to answer them because of 'jargon' they used, or procedures they were trying to explain.  

And this whole ordeal (which is ongoing) has repaired / is repairing a lot of bridges that had been in sad disrepair with all the damage I did to the relationship in my active codependency.  

This photo was taken less than 2 months
ago, on Christmas Day 2011.
It's one of my favorite Christmas memories.
Unknown to me, she was suffering
even then.
More than anything, though, I've been so impressed by my daughter's strength of character throughout this ordeal.  

She's still in a lot of pain.  The Tylenol 3 that she has been taking religiously on time (they only gave her enough for 5 days) takes the edge off the pain for a couple of hours at most, and then she is in pain for the rest of the time until the next dose, which takes about an hour to kick in.  

But her attitude has been amazing - her unwillingness to complain or to give up is so incredible.  

She has such an indomitable spirit.  She's been struggling with this pain for months and not complaining, and her optimistic attitude is refreshing - and contagious - and inspirational.  I feel so privileged to know her, to be a part of her life again.  And I don't want to mess it up!  So I keep reminding myself that she is her own person, that I need to respect her boundaries - and at the same time she needs to know that I care. 

The last few days have been hard for both of us - but helpful in letting her know that I care, that I'm there for her.  And they've given me such insight into my little trooper. 

I'm so very proud of her.

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