Light Enough

It's been about six weeks since my plans for the future hit a major snag (which I talked about a couple of posts ago) and I realized that I needed some help to deal with it all. With my doctor's assistance, I've taken steps toward getting a therapist to help me deal with my childhood issues, and I have also started to take a medication that gives me more energy during the day. 

During that time, I've moved back to my home province, back into my own home with my husband and daughter, and have arranged an updated work-from-home routine that has me going into the office one day a week. I must say that it felt good to go to a work environment where people smiled when they saw me coming, where I felt (and feel) welcome, and where there was a sense of recognition and respect for my talents. 

Photo "Blooming Snowdrops In The Spring" by radnatt at
www.freedigitalphotos.net

I'm also looking forward to my upcoming volunteer activities, which I have scheduled to start this coming Wednesday, at a local non-profit organization aimed at helping pregnant and new mothers who are facing challenges (financial mostly, and mostly single moms). Hopefully I will be able to get outside of myself and gain some much-needed face-to-face experience with people in need at the same time. The director of the organization is someone I feel that I can "click" with - she has never been anything less than kind and approachable - an ideal mentor for me. Although it seems a crazy time of year to start such a venture, as the Christmas season seems to highlight the great need of people at risk, I believe that it will give me a sense of doing something that will make a difference to people's lives. And I need that tangible sense of purpose and accomplishment in my life, especially in the beginning of a season that for me is so depressing because it's so cold and dead outside and will remain so for many months. Who knows? maybe I'll even find some Christmas spirit laying around somewhere. ;)

As I think about my future goals, all I feel is confusion. Six months ago, I had it all planned out. I knew what I was going to do, when it was going to happen, and how I was going to get there. Now, I am questioning everything. So finding one thing that I can do gives me a light in a dark place in my life. It's like lighting a candle when the electricity goes off at night. It gives you just enough light to see the next step or two, nothing more. And you need to go slowly or you'll put out the light. But there is light enough for that one or two steps. 

I still have a lot of things to sort out. Having the time to do that without the extra burden of assignments and other school-work has been helpful. I have been doing a LOT of thinking, reflecting, meditating, and just resting. There is much that I just don't know yet. I don't know how long this process will take, or what I will end up doing with my life. All I know is that I need to use these next few months wisely. There have been opportunities for me to consider, and I am weighing these as well. But no major decisions set in stone. 

After all, I still only have light enough for the next step. Once I take it, I might be able to see where the next one will be.

Flowers and Hearts

We're coming up on one of the hardest times of year for me - Mothers Day. It's difficult to wade through the messages everywhere that all mothers are saintly. Some just ... aren't ... No matter what anyone else believes, nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors ... except the ones behind those doors. Some kinds of memories can sour the pleasures of the present.

And of course, the annual event (and its hype) is also a reminder of one of my children who is not here anymore to wish me a happy Mothers Day. . . that kind of pain never goes away, but is more keenly felt on the 2nd Sunday in May.

For those of you who are fortunate enough to have had a wonderful mother, I am glad that you did. If your wonderful mother is still living, be sure to tell her - and show her (not just one day a year) - that you love and appreciate her. That means a lot more than gushy words in a card, pretty flowers or corsages, and chocolates once a year.

If your wonderful mother has passed away at any time (and especially recently) - I grieve with you for having lost someone very special in your life.

And if (like me) how you feel about your mom is "complicated" and you have mixed feelings (at best) about Mother's Day - and especially IF you are a mother with that kind of background ... might I offer my perspective?  I have learned through trial and error (mostly error) that the best way to survive the last week of April and the first half of May (with all the advertising campaigns capitalizing on guilt and shame) is to focus on the present and BE a good mom all year round. 

A good mom is one whose children feel safe to be themselves around her.
 

Photo "Dandelions" courtesy of sattva at
www.freedigitalphotos.net

"Now" is important.  Now matters. Continue breaking the cycle of bad parenting, abuse, and/or neglect. Treat your children - no matter how young - like the real people they are, not just as miniature extensions of yourself. Don't set them up to be laughed at - and NEVER laugh at them or call them names, or dismiss their "little feelings" (there is NOTHING "little" about feelings) as "cute" just because the reason for their distress seems minor to you. 

Respect their boundaries. Take their side. Celebrate their accomplishments. Go to bat for them when they are treated unfairly.  Say please and thank you to your children, and MEAN it. Say you're sorry to their face (and MEAN it) when you mess up. Teach them basic housekeeping and cooking techniques, do these tasks together, and teach them the joy of helping others for its own sake, not to avoid punishment or gain a material reward.  They will remember for the rest of their lives the way you treat them when they are little.  They will also remember how you treat others who have little or no power, and when they grow up, they will most likely treat others the same way.

And when the day comes (whether they're three or sixty-three) when they want to honour you for being that good Mom - and they will - don't rob them of that joy.  Smile and say thank you.  Even if all they bring you is dandelions, if it comes from the heart, see the heart behind it, look them in the eyes with all the love you have inside, and say thank you.

A Goodness Allergy

I have a real treat for my readers today. A guest contributor has graciously offered to allow me to use something he shared with me earlier today.

Before I hit "Copy - Paste" I should let you know a few background things that will make it easier to understand some of the things to which he refers. He is in a Twelve-Step program so he believes strongly in those Twelve Steps (as do I!) 

Since he refers to them frequently, I'm including a link to the 12 steps here. He also refers to the 3rd Step Prayer and the 7th Step Prayer, which can be found at this link to the AA prayers.

If his story touches you, please consider commenting on his submission below in the comment box provided. I believe that it's in telling our truth that we can be free ... and help to free others in the process. However, if we tell our story and nobody says, "Yeah, I can really relate," or "I really needed to hear that today," or whatever, then the good that telling our story does is swallowed up like a cup of water in the desert sand.

So, without further ado, here is his submission - or his admission, if you like. I will only preface it by saying that it is so honest and raw that it is sometimes uncomfortable for me to read, but in a way that challenges and inspires me to shed the facades and live a life of rigorous honesty - with myself, with God, and with others. 

quote


I learned a valuable lesson today:   I have a virulent “goodness” allergy:  any time anything good happens in my life,   my body, and mind and spirit will immediately try to reject it and belittle it.    There appears to be no medication for it; it must just be recognized, partially treated on the spot and ... suffered through.
 
It can be easily seen if you examine a day’s events with an analytical eye.  Yesterday, I had what I called a “bad” day. Things did not work out in the manner and degree that I was expecting, some things happened over which I had no control and felt “put upon” as a result, leading to a pity party. And my youngest daughter and I had it out over numerous perceived problems at home leading to tears, angry words and confrontation…all of which I hate. 

A few good things happened as well.  My recent cold actually improved somewhat, no new bills came into the house, nothing broke down in or outside of the house, etc.
 
But in my reaction to those things, I learned a few key things…I can’t enjoy the good things that happen because my allergy flares up and won’t allow me to enjoy them. 
 
When my allergy kicks in, I find that I can`t focus on the good that is happening but will instead key in on all the bad things that happened in the midst of the good. By the time that I've berated others about the perceived bad and cursed God for allowing all this crud in my life, the good that was there is all shriveled up and just a fraction of the size that it was. And it is so surrounded and buried by the bad that I've heaped all over it, that it looks and tastes almost as the terrible as the bad that it is inside.  It is badly tainted.
 
My allergy is backwards looking as well. Even if there is no bad in the day that I'm living, if there was any bad in the previous day or week, my allergy will smear that all over the small bit of good to make it unpalatable as well.
 
My allergy stems from a small number of factors.
 
The most important one is that I consider myself to be bad and totally undeserving of any type of good in my life.  All my life, I've been taught that I'm awful, that I can't do anything right, that I'm a total failure and that no good thing can come from scum like me. So when something good does happen, I feel that it must be a mistake, that this happened not for me or because of me, but instead because of the others that I surround myself with or the place that I just happen, by chance, to be in. That if they were gone, the good would be as well, and this generally makes me angry. This is because I know that the only reason anyone, including God, could be doing good things for me is because they wish to earn brownie points for themselves or because some of the good that falls on me will spill over to the others, for whom this good is being done for in the first place.  And that makes me feel neglected and used.
 
Second is what I call the fear factor.  I am terrified that if I make a big thing and focus too much on the good that I`m having today, that it will be removed either by a God who loves to tease and annoy me, or by someone that gave it to me in the first place that I consider a friend who will snatch it away, out of spite, anger or pettiness.  I'm terrified that if someone finds out who the real me is, not the one that I`m allowing others to see, but the real inside me, that any good that I receive will dry up and never be allowed to come back. So if I don't make a big deal out of it at first, then I won`t be as disappointed when it goes away
 
And the third is the hatred factor. I hate myself at the primal level, at a point that I'm scared that God can`t or won`t reach, at a point that I rarely tap into because it hurts so much. Almost four years into recovery, and I still cannot look at myself in the mirror to shave my ugly face in the morning. I hate how I act, my personality, my looks, my memory, my "talents", etc. And when the me that I feel is there so prevalent on the inside acts up and takes control, then any good that comes my way is lost in the terrible disgust I feel for me.
 
I feel there are steps that I can take to help this.
 

1. I must redo my Step 4. At the time that I did this step, I found that the negative feelings and mistakes and bad character traits that are so rampant in me were easy to list. But I forgot that the step also calls on me to list my good moral traits as well. I did not do this and must redo. 
2. I have to make the Seventh Step prayer a real part of my life. It tells me to turn all of me, my bad side AND my good side over to God to let Him deal with things. Again, I found it so easy to dump my "lousy me" on God but never gave Him my "good me". I guess I'll have to find it first....
3. I'll have to learn to trust God. I know in my head that God doesn't make junk, that He loves me, that He has a plan for my life in which I can help others through the thoughts in the Third Step prayer. But after four years. I still really do not believe this at the heart and feelings level. I must cry out to him to allow me to trust, to manipulate my life in the way and timing of his choosing to make the changes necessary in me to allow me to be  "shalom" - which means nothing broken; nothing lacking.
4. And finally, and for me the most fundamental, I have to somehow not try to see myself as a bad person trying to learn how to be good……but instead, because of the imputed righteousness of God, as a good person, who is just sick, trying by doing all the right things that he can and knows how to do, to get well.

end quote


What more can I add except to say that this touched me deeply.  I hope it touched you, too.

... and I in mine

The world is turning into this ginormous village where we see nearly simultaneously what's happening on the opposite side of the globe - where fewer and fewer places are unseen, unreported.  There is so much suffering in so many places by so many people groups - it's hard to know where to start when the collection plate passes, or when the folks come around canvassing for this or that cause.  

Many people think that unless they do something spectacular or give a lot of money to alleviate hunger or thirst in a third world country, or go on a missions trip to a different continent, that they are not doing what they can.  This kind of thinking is fostered in our global village.  But sometimes in trying not to miss the forest for the trees, we miss the trees for the forest.

I'm not saying that those causes - whatever they are and however noble they are - aren't worthy.  Far from it.  But I am saying that we needn't allow others to make us feel guilty if we DON'T go, if we DON'T give to this or that foreign charity across the ocean.

A friend of mine is raising money for a cause that is near and dear to her - being a cancer survivor and seeing how people spend a lot of money to be near their loved ones through such a tough time, well, she's doing what she can.  Here's her blog post on that.  That's not in a foreign country to her - it's close to home. 

There are dozens of people in my own city who don't have a home.  There are even more - including children - RIGHT HERE - who go to bed hungry.  Who wonder where the next meal is going to come from ... and when.  Who are starting over from scratch, having lost everything to alcohol, to abuse, to debt, to unemployment.  And in this city there are organizations that help such people.  The Food Bank.  "The Upper Room" Soup Kitchen.  The Salvation Army.  Open Door Ministries.  Anderson House.  Talbot House.  Lacey House.  Grandmother's  House.  And that's just within a five-mile radius.  All we need to do is open our eyes and look at our own back yard and there are so many people who need to know someone cares. And speaking of the back yard - what about the person across the fence? next door? down the street?  

I remember singing this little song in Sunday School and the words are just as profound now as they ever were.  It's based on Matthew 5:24: "Let your light so shine among men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven."  Here are some of the lyrics:

Found this photo HERE

Jesus bids us shine, with a pure, clear light
Like a little candle burning in the night.
In this world of darkness, so we must shine:
You in your small corner .... and I in mine. 

Jesus bids us shine. Shine - for all around
Many kinds of darkness in this world are found: 
Sin, and want, and sorrow - so we must shine:
You in your small corner ... and I in mine.

And this is the essence of it.  We don't have to make a big splash, or turn everything into a big production.  We just need to find our niche - that place where we can make a difference - and go ahead and do it.  Whether it's seen by the pastor, the prime minister or the pope for that matter - matters not.  Even one candle can dispel the darkness.  Even if it's been dark for a VERY long time. 

Even if we've never dared let our light shine before.  It might flicker - but at least it will light the way for someone who needs it.

Seeds

Don't judge each day by the harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant. - Robert Louis Stevenson


I heard this quote for the first time tonight. 

It reminded me of one of my favorite stories, based on a true story, called "The Man Who Planted Trees" - if you don't know it, I suggest you go to YouTube and look it up - the video (done by the National Film Board and narrated by Christopher Plummer) is about 30 minutes or so, and for this reason they have broken it up into about three parts, I think.  Anyway, the story is about how the faithful planting of trees by one man for several years, transformed a desolate wasteland into a life-filled countryside. 

I got this still from the video at this site

The truth is, we don't know what our seed-sowing will produce.  We have no idea whose life we will touch, or how - and we may never know. But someone will. 

Someone is glad I am here. Someone has been, is being, or will be blessed by something I do, say, or leave behind.  I do believe that.  I believe it is true for every person; each has a purpose that is far beyond his or her capacity to imagine.  

It is hard to say what that might be, or how it will pan out in the end.  But we all plant seeds - for good or ... not - and these seeds WILL bear fruit.  We may be curious as to the reasons why, or to our purpose, or to the "harvest" that may result.  But the harvest - small or large - doesn't matter.  Only the planting matters.  One seed after another: a smile, a kind word.  Honesty, openness, willingness, day after day, hour upon hour.  

Tiny seeds. Who knows where they will lead, how much they will grow?
I don't.  But I know Who does.

Rigorous Honesty

Skin experts tell us that in order to get rid of the occasional blemish on one's face, one must resist the temptation to squeeze it. Instead, keep it clean (morning and night wash with a clean washcloth and soap, rinse well and pat dry, let the skin breathe for 5 minutes before putting any other product on). In the morning, moisturize after washing, and before doing any skin care / makeup routine. At night, after washing and before bed, take a little toothpaste on the end of your finger and apply it in a circular motion. Leave it on overnight. The next day the blemish should be half the size it was.

I don't know anyone who doesn't look in a mirror at least once a day - sometimes several times. The mirror tells us when there's dirt on our faces, or whether there's anything out of the ordinary that needs attention. Usually when there's something wrong, we stop and take the time to fix it (or start to deal with it), and don't walk away from it. Food stuck between the teeth? floss. Bar-b-q sauce on your chin? wipe it off. Pimple? look after it as soon as possible. Fresh coffee stain on the shirt? treat it by rubbing in some salt before it dries, put it in the hamper and get a clean shirt. (There's a little cleaning tip for you there - a freebie...)

There's a quote on healing from the inner scars from a life spinning out of control, a quote I like to repeat to myself. It talks about those who recover as those who are capable "of grasping and developing a lifestyle which demands rigorous honesty." They are like those who look in the mirror and say, "Oh, that's not acceptable - that needs to be dealt with right away" instead of shrugging their shoulders and pretending the problem doesn't exist.

The kind of honesty I mean is the truthfulness we practice with our self. It's fearless. It's realistic. It sees the good AND the bad. It does the "next right thing." It trusts God to do for us what we have no power to do on our own. And it keeps listening. Trusting. Doing the next thing that God leads us to do, whether that's dealing with a resentment in our heart, going to visit a sick friend or not taking paper clips home from the office.

There's a verse somewhere in the Bible that talks about the kind of day-to-day rigorous honesty I'm talking about. It says, "... line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little, there a little..." or words to that effect. Basically it's saying that everything is important enough to leave in God's hands, to trust Him to handle, and this is played out in giving every little thing to Him as it happens. In doing so, He heals us.

And this same process of healing never stops, by the way.

Between Two Thieves

It has been said that Jesus, the Eternal Now, was crucified between two thieves: "What might have been," and "What might yet be."

In other words, yesterday and tomorrow. These are the two greatest thieves known to mankind.

Living in yesterday - if yesterday was good - makes us critical and judgmental of what's happening today that's different. We waste our time lamenting that things are not like "the good old days." If yesterday was awful, living in it can keep us trapped there, bound up in resentments, bitterness, fear, and anger. It robs us of any happiness that might be happening in today because the past clouds and colors our perceptions through a dark and repressive filter.

Living in tomorrow - if we think tomorrow will be better than today - robs us of the simple pleasures that happen in the moment. All we look for is "pie in the sky bye and bye" and our feet are not firmly planted in reality - we are way too "cosmic" to be of any real use to ourselves or to others. If we think tomorrow will be horrible, and we worry about how we'll ever manage, it too robs us of the strength we have been given to handle today's problems, because we spend all of our allotted strength on worrying about what might happen in the future.

Living in today, in gratitude and expectation, is a very powerful thing. First of all, it is where God lives. He said that He is the great "I am." Not "I was." Not "I will be in the future." Right now. Everything we need - He is. Second, because God is in the present, He is present to help whenever we need Him. Third, it's so very liberating to live in today, free from the chains of the past, free from the burden of the future. How many Christians I know today who simply can't enjoy the moment just because they're all wrapped up in the urgency of how close the Tribulation Period is, how evil the world is going to become - or what they "Should" be doing in the meantime (see my series on Shoulds and Oughtas from earlier this month - by the way, last time I looked it was GOD who convicted people of sin, drew people into the kingdom, gave the increase - it's all through the Bible ...) that they can't even relax. How sad.

I believe the past has a purpose - to instruct us in what to do - or not to do. I don't believe that we have to shut the door on the past, even if it was horrible. Until we deal with the past, there is no moving forward and those behaviors and attitudes we got from our pasts will continue to plague us in the present. There is help to deal with the past in a very simple program called the Twelve Steps. Whether it's an addiction to a mood-altering substance (legal or otherwise) that has gripped us, or whether it is a compulsion to do something else - mine was fixing, manipulating, and controlling other people - the Twelve Steps is a very useful pathway to learning from and being free from the chains of the past.

So then we can live in the now.

I also believe that the future has its place and we can live in joyous anticipation of it without robbing ourselves of the moment-by-moment enjoyment of the presence of God in our lives. The Bible says that God has sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts and He calls out, "Abba Father!" Quite literally that means, "Wow, Daddy this is fun being with You - what's next!" That's not obsessing about the future. That's enjoying the present with the assurance of a hope and a future. That's different.

That's living in the now.

He who is the Eternal Now still calls out to each of our hearts - to tryst with us.
Not in the past. Not in the future.
Today.

Today

A few minutes ago I was thinking of a song I learned as a child.

Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine,
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine...
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
'ere I forget all the joy that is mine - today. (Randy Sparks - sung by John Denver)

The song itself is about not caring what tomorrow brings, just living in the pleasure of the moment. Many people would find that offensive. Even sinful.

I think there is wisdom in living each day as it comes. That way, without regrets about the past and worry about the future, there is only today - enough strength, enough wisdom, enough courage for this one day, dispensed as we need it. Another song that comes to my mind says,
We have this moment to hold in our hand and to touch
as it slips through our fingers like sand -
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come,
but we have this moment, today. (Gaither Vocal Band)

I spent decades filled with regret over the things in the past I could do nothing about - things which happened to me without my consent, and some of which I had a part in creating. I spent the same time worrying about tomorrow, worrying about what people thought of me, what they meant by what they said to me, whether I would ever have any real friends. I wasted that much energy - in remorse, in anxiety - that I didn't have enough energy for the 24-hour period I was experiencing. When I first started to rid myself of the chains of the past and start living in today, it was uncomfortable because it was so new. However, as I continued, I noticed that my enjoyment of the moment was enhanced, I had more energy to handle the things that were happening now - and I was happier. Go figure.

It's a powerful word - the word "now."
It's where God, who is eternal, lives.