For some reason at this time of year, I start thinking about simple trust... how it's learned... how it's unlearned... how it grows... how quickly it can be broken.
Maybe it's all the focus on little children at this time of year : starry-eyed children hyped up on their unfettered belief in a magical elf who will make all their dreams come true - but only if they're good. It almost makes that rotund, red-suited gnome sound like an adult's most effective tool of manipulation and control of the little people's behavior. Something to make parents' lives easier, give them a bit of rest and relief from the inexhaustible need represented by their children, compounded by the shortened daylight hours and the ever-increasing cold weather which keeps them indoors for more hours per day.
The question of Santa aside - for that is only one question among many trust or faith-based questions - when do we first learn to trust? Some psychologists tell us that this happens before age two. To a certain extent, I would agree. The foundation of trust (or mistrust!) is built then.
After that, all the events that happen are erected on the foundation that was laid in the first two years, and they pass through the pre-set filter of whether the child trusts his parents, his siblings, his relatives ... and his world ... or not.
Betrayed trust is the most devastating and difficult to restore. Some never can learn to trust again once they have been lied to. I've seen this happen over and over again.
One lie. That's all it takes.
One lie perpetuated, nurtured, covered by other lies to protect its 'validity' - and then discovered (for it WILL be discovered eventually) - can destroy decades of trust built up. Worst, it can cause the one so deceived, to mistrust everything that the liar says from that point onward - and backward in time. In other words, lie to me and I not only don't trust anything you say from now on, I won't trust anything you have ever told me.
Now multiply that sentiment by a factor of at least five - for a child who has been lied to. Double it for every decade as that child grows up - mistrust multiplied by mistrust until everything that anyone says is suspect.
So what if you're that child? How many times have you been lied to? Is it possible to trust again?
Learning to trust again is a slow process, but it is possible. Whether a person can learn to trust the one who has lied ... depends in large part on whether the one who lied is willing to change. If he or she isn't, it's time to walk away. But learning to trust in general is possible with one basic element at the core.
Truth.
Speaking truth to the inner person, refusing to believe the lies of the past that drummed their way into the psyche, replacing those false statements with true statements, this is the way - albeit slow and potentially torturous at times - to healing and faith. No sugar-coating. "Yes, this was wrong." (Not, "He/ she meant well.") And so forth. Acknowledging the wrongness gives us permission to be outraged, to admit the hurt.
And it helps us - strange as it may seem - to gradually move on to a place of real forgiveness and compassion.
Maybe it's all the focus on little children at this time of year : starry-eyed children hyped up on their unfettered belief in a magical elf who will make all their dreams come true - but only if they're good. It almost makes that rotund, red-suited gnome sound like an adult's most effective tool of manipulation and control of the little people's behavior. Something to make parents' lives easier, give them a bit of rest and relief from the inexhaustible need represented by their children, compounded by the shortened daylight hours and the ever-increasing cold weather which keeps them indoors for more hours per day.
 |
| Source (via Google Images) : http://atrustingchild.blogspot.com/2011/01/ some-quotes-for-best-fathers.html |
After that, all the events that happen are erected on the foundation that was laid in the first two years, and they pass through the pre-set filter of whether the child trusts his parents, his siblings, his relatives ... and his world ... or not.
Betrayed trust is the most devastating and difficult to restore. Some never can learn to trust again once they have been lied to. I've seen this happen over and over again.
One lie. That's all it takes.
One lie perpetuated, nurtured, covered by other lies to protect its 'validity' - and then discovered (for it WILL be discovered eventually) - can destroy decades of trust built up. Worst, it can cause the one so deceived, to mistrust everything that the liar says from that point onward - and backward in time. In other words, lie to me and I not only don't trust anything you say from now on, I won't trust anything you have ever told me.
Now multiply that sentiment by a factor of at least five - for a child who has been lied to. Double it for every decade as that child grows up - mistrust multiplied by mistrust until everything that anyone says is suspect.
So what if you're that child? How many times have you been lied to? Is it possible to trust again?
Learning to trust again is a slow process, but it is possible. Whether a person can learn to trust the one who has lied ... depends in large part on whether the one who lied is willing to change. If he or she isn't, it's time to walk away. But learning to trust in general is possible with one basic element at the core.
Truth.
Speaking truth to the inner person, refusing to believe the lies of the past that drummed their way into the psyche, replacing those false statements with true statements, this is the way - albeit slow and potentially torturous at times - to healing and faith. No sugar-coating. "Yes, this was wrong." (Not, "He/ she meant well.") And so forth. Acknowledging the wrongness gives us permission to be outraged, to admit the hurt.
And it helps us - strange as it may seem - to gradually move on to a place of real forgiveness and compassion.
No comments:
Post a Comment