One Day at a Time

My hubby and I were talking today on the phone; he was at home and I was at work.  Then he said something regarding a health issue he's been having that made my stomach give a lurch ... suffice to say that the worst case scenario suddenly intruded on my mind.

It took a while for me to address the cold fingers of panic that enveloped my intestines and squEEzed.  While talking to someone after that about the possibilities of what the trouble might be, she happened to mention in passing, "One day at a time." My head snapped around - and I just stared at her for a second.  Then I kind of laughed, and said, "Yeah, I know all about one day at a time..." and went back to my desk.

She didn't know how much I needed to hear that.  Her off-handed comment reduced my feelings of fear and dread a bit, and it also reminded me of one of the tenets of my new-found lifestyle: I am powerless over others and I am powerless over outcomes.  

Over 2 years ago, and periodically since that time, I gave (and have given) my will and my life over to the loving care of God ... and He is the one in charge, so I give this fear and this whole situation to Him as well. 

That sentence, "ODAAT" or "One Day At A Time" has come to my rescue many times in the last 2 plus years.  

And the concept is still the same.  

"Tomorrow has enough trouble of its own."  

God only gives enough strength for today while it's still today. One plaque I read during my childhood goes, "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." It's funny, I never forgot that.   ;D

My hubby isn't concerned about this new development.  He figures there's nothing he can do about it now, and it's time to trust the people who have the training to deal with it.  I've always been the kind to immediately jump to the worst case scenario.  It's a vestige left over from when I lived life out of fear.... a hard habit to break.

So I am reminding myself that whether this health situation is something simple or something ... not so simple, today is today and I can embrace all that is in it.  And when what is now tomorrow arrives, it will then be today and I will have the strength for it then, and not before.

I'm not denying that I feel unsure, vulnerable, helpless, and a touch overwhelmed.  But I do know that these feelings are normal, and that I can rest in the knowledge that I am loved.  And that I can remind my hubby that HE is loved, too.

Still there

So after so horribly many days of rain and blech, (that last word said with a lot of phlegm - haha) the sun came out from behind the clouds and we enjoyed a few hours of unfiltered sunlight yesterday and today.

I'm told it will happen again tomorrow and all weekend. :D

Source:  http://www.photosfromfinland.com/

It's so nice to see the sun peek through the clouds or around a corner - or through the trees.

It lifts the spirits.  

Funny how such a small thing as the weather can affect how we feel.  The sun has such therapeutic properties and many of my friends - and I suspect I as well - suffer from a mild form of Seasonal Affective Disorder.  One of them says he's "solar-powered."  A warm sunny day can truly be a gift.  

It's hard to remember on those dreary, rainy, misty or foggy days that behind the clouds, the sun is still shining.  Even if we can't see the sun, the fact that there is daylight whispers the secret that the sun is shining on our side of the Earth.  (I'm reminded of Rowan and Martin Laugh-in's 'Hippie Dippie Weather Man' who stated, "The forecast for tonight is Dark - followed by scattered Light rays in the morning.")  

And it seems that with all the draining, erosive things that happen in our lives that suck the hope and the life out of us: sickness, boredom, situations that require a lot of our emotional energy, and so forth, it's so hard to remember that God is still there - shining His light into our lives and pouring out His love.  Yet the clouds of our lack of understanding, or of sheer circumstance that seems designed to siphon off our joy and hope, get in the way and we forget.  So when the sun breaks through the clouds - for me it's a reminder that things will be all right in the end, ... and if it's not all right, then it's not the end.

All I need to focus on for this 24-hour period is staying real, staying close to God, and doing the next right thing. 

1 year and counting

Yes, it is true.  One year ago today I started this blog.  

I hope that at least some of you have enjoyed the journey so far, as much as I have enjoyed traveling it.

One of my first thoughts this morning was, "Today's my bloggiversary!"  It gave me such a lift to have come this far and still have things - a seemingly never-ending stream of things - to write about.   I write - that's what I do.

For you - my readers - I feel such gratitude for the written feedback, for those who quietly follow every day, and then stop me in the hallway at church or work, and make a short one-line comment that makes my day.  I'd write even without the comments, but they're like (pardon the reference to dessert) the icing on the cake!  I've made some mistakes along the way and I am so grateful that you've not thrown out the baby with the bathwater - and that you keep coming back. 

Thank you - thank you all.

Dear Annie

When my husband (then my fiancé) first introduced me to his family, he made a special trip with me to see his father's aunt Annie.  My first impression of her was of a very tired, very poor, very bitter old curmudgeon who had nothing good to say about anyone.  

I couldn't have been more wrong.  Sure, she had a crusty exterior. But as I got to know her, I came to care very deeply for her because she was so incredibly witty and intelligent, well-traveled and possessing a pithy wisdom gained from living through the depression, raising first her siblings and then her husband and children, and having to grieve both her husband and her son.  She'd been widowed for many years when I first met her, and she had lost her son to a heart attack several years previous to our meeting as well.  

She'd been a schoolteacher, had traveled to Japan, was one of the first Canadians to go there to teach English.  When I decided to go through university and get my degree, she was my strongest supporter. I would drop by after my classes or between them, and she would drink in all the experiences I told her about, leaning forward to catch every word.  She was a big believer in making money and putting some aside for retirement.  She herself was - well, I guess there is no delicate way to say it - extremely well-off... yet she lived like a pauper.  She banked every penny she saved.  It was her legacy to her children and grandchildren.

My husband and I would joke with each other about her obsession with money.  Yet we knew she had so much more to contribute.  She wrote her memoirs by hand for her grandchildren to enjoy after she was gone.  I remember her reading to me from them, and me having to wipe at my eyes from laughing so much at her deft turns of phrase.  She then decided to give the  papers to the children to type up and put into book form for the grandchildren, while she was still living, so she could enjoy their reaction to hearing her funny and interesting stories of growing up in rural PEI in the 1920s and 1930s.  My favorite story in her memoirs was the time she went to Japan and they asked her if she was "Anne" of the Island.  She said, "Of course," and they treated her like royalty.  (She loved that story... and I loved to hear it.)

When our oldest child was still a toddler, Annie had a spiritual experience that transformed her attitudes and softened that crusty exterior.  We marveled at the change in her, how the best things about her came to the fore and the obsession with money gradually faded in comparison with her growing attachment to her extended family.  One of the last memories I have of her is her flooring me; she looked me square in the eye with those fiery pale blue piercers of hers and said, "You can have all the money in the world, but if you don't have family, you have nothing."   

But as time went on, she was getting more and more frail.  Soon, she couldn't manage her own daily activities and had to give up her basement apartment, which was spartan to say the least, in favor of a lovely room in a high-quality long-term care facility in town.  She lived there for quite a few months and her quick, dry sense of humor never abated.  She passed away at the residence, quietly.


To honor her, we took the initials of her first and middle names, and made sure that our second child (who was born a few months after she passed away) had the same initials.  And that her middle name - Laura - was what our daughter's middle initial stood for.

Courage

"Courage is tiny pieces of fear all glued together."  - Terry Guillemets

"Courage is being scared to death ... but saddling up anyway."  -  John Wayne

Today a friend told me that he was concerned about something I had said out of frustration on my blog, and informed me that he was saddened and hurt by the way I went about saying it.  His perception was that I was saying something that I never meant.


His approaching me took a lot of courage.  At least for me it would have.  :) 


So rather than get upset and lose sleep - or perhaps even the friendship - over it (something I would have done a few years ago over far less than this) I immediately retracted the post, and told him privately that the perception he had of the way he saw my words was not the intent of them.  I apologized for my frustration and told him what my original intent was. I hope I got my message across without further muddying the waters.

There are things that I can't change.  Usually these have to do with what others decide to do and not do.  I have no control over these, nor do I need to try to fix other people, impose my own solutions on them, or advise them without their express permission. 

There are things I can change.  I can admit that I have made a mistake.  I can take responsibility for my own actions and allow others to bear the responsibility for theirs.


The trick is in having the wisdom to determine the difference between the two in my day-to-day life.  This can be confusing, as the Cowardly Lion found out in the Wizard of Oz.  The Wizard told him, "You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage; you're confusing courage with wisdom."  

Actually, by that time the Lion had already discovered the secret of courage: when Dorothy was trapped in the witch's castle, he learned from experience that love overcomes fear.  And in spite of how scared he was, he entered that dangerous situation and played his part to free his beloved friend Dorothy from the green lady's evil clutches.

I guess that is what my friend did.  I applaud him for his courage today, and I realize that in responding the way I did, I was able to face my own fear of losing his friendship and respond honestly and (hopefully) in a loving manner.

Now say something nice

Source of this photo:
http://onemanbandwidth.com/wordpress/category/asia/

There's a friend of mine who grew up saying to someone in her life, "Now say something nice."  This person was really critical and never seemed to have something good to say about anyone.

Looking back over my last few posts, I guess I've been doing a lot of ranting about this or that belief or behavior.  So it's high time I started practicing some gratitude.  Ever notice that someone - EVERYONE - looks better when he or she is smiling? Even if their teeth are yellowed or missing entirely, a smile that is genuine will usually generate a smile from someone else.

So here are a few things I have noticed, nice things that have happened, or just things for which I am grateful this week:

• We actually DID see some sunshine this week!  The winter coats are put away and the big yellow thing did show itself in the sky!
• I caught a nap for the first time in a long time this afternoon.  It felt good.
• I had a chance to talk with my brother yesterday without my mother present - he felt safe in talking to me about what HE wanted without feeling guilty, and we even had a few laughs.
• I am continually grateful for the restoration of relationships with my husband and kids.  This brings me so much happiness.  At one point I had nobody who loved me except my husband and kids, and (at that time) I felt that they only tolerated me because I cooked the meals and paid a few bills.  Now I know they truly do love me and that they enjoy my company... and I enjoy theirs.  
• I have more friends than I ever thought possible.  I have friendships with people who consider me an equal and whom I consider equals.  This is huge for me because if I had friends at all before, they were people who looked down on me or who looked up to me.  What a wonderful feeling to be on level ground!
• My job brings me a lot of satisfaction.  I have opportunities to help people and to expand my boundaries in that arena.
• And, more and more frequently, I get to go to gatherings where I know I am loved and where I feel safe.  At such places I know I don't have to say or do anything to be accepted and valued.  I just need to be there and listen.  If I want to share my own experience, my sharing is respected and I know there will be no gossip or judgment.  

The things that make life worth living are the simplest - I know I forget that all too quickly.  Shelter, food, clothing, a feeling of security / safety, a sense of belonging, a sense of purpose - each is just as essential as the other. Even something as simple as a smile when someone is having one of those "days from hell."  

Funny how my tendency is to major on the minor things and forget the important things. Every so often I need to be reminded to focus on what is uplifting, what is true, what will build up and encourage.

Like saying something nice.   Thank you, my friend.

Tick Tock

Thanks to
http://qmsrepair.com/around-the-clock-service/
for the photo

Several people in my life, at one point or another, have asked me one simple question:  "Just what makes you tick?"

I never knew how to answer that question. The reason for that was that I was too busy trying to be and think and behave the way everyone else wanted me to, in order to either have them like me, be impressed with me, or not hurt or leave me.  

Who I was changed with the person I was with.  And so - to be brutally honest - I didn't even know who I was, much less what made me tick.  I was incapable of answering the question.  So I'd say whatever I thought they wanted to hear.  And that would satisfy them.  Then I'd breathe an internal sigh of relief after they stopped that line of questioning. 

I never knew why I didn't know who I was.  Not until I started my journey.  And it was so weird when I kind of stumbled upon myself when I was trying to help my husband recover from his addiction.  I was desperate and things had gotten so out of control that I reached out for help and - I firmly believe - God put one hand on me and the other on my therapist, and brought the two of us together.  

That was in late January 2009.  By the end of February, I realized that my husband had his own journey to travel and that the one that I must travel was my own.  And that I DID need to start a journey into freedom.  I was so bound up tight inside, living in fear of so many things - including even getting to know myself - that it paralyzed my relationships with people.  

Over the course of the next year, the attitudes and behaviors I had accumulated in order to survive life started to drop off, and I started to LIVE life.  

Source:
http://lostegypt.wordpress.com/

It was like I'd lived all my life in mummy wrappings ... thinking I was living but so restricted by all the things I was wrapped up in.  Some of those things were made up of stuff others had put on me: an abusive childhood, labels that some folks would never let me shake, criticism, judgement.  Some of them I had put on myself while trying to survive my life: perfectionism, religious zeal, the victim mentality - and so much more. 

And then - slowly - the wrappings started to come off.  I was powerless to take them off... I needed help.  And I found that it was God - through the things I was discovering in therapy - who unwound the filthy things off me and let me breathe, stretch, grow, and walk freely in my faith for the first time in my life.  I didn't quite understand all that was happening to me or how it was happening.  All I knew was that I was happier.  Freer.  More serene.  Every day, more of those wrappings come off and I am getting to know myself (and my God) far better than I thought I could.  And through it all, I hear a sound growing stronger and stronger - the sound of my heart (my spirit) receiving new life.  If this is what makes me tick, I guess I have a new ticker.

Tick.  Talk.

Starfish

Last evening I was with someone who is just beginning a journey of learning to let go of the need to fix and rescue people.  This person asked me, "How can you tell the difference between generosity and unhealthy caretaking?"

Good question.

I think the difference is in where the 'generosity' comes from.  If it is done to make me feel better, or to fix something in someone else so that my life will be easier - then it might not be as generous as I think.  Instead, it might be downright selfish.  Or it might come from a place where I feel that I have to do something for someone else in order to be accepted, approved of, and/or liked by that person.  If it - instead - comes from a place of fulness, of health, of wholeness ... then it is true generosity because it is directed wholly toward the other person and comes from love and compassion.  It got me to thinking about the parable of the Starfish, which you can find at this link:  http://www.twilight-storm.com/musings/starfish.html 

I've used this parable in several contexts (including that of my job). And with respect to my family, I can imagine myself - as little as 3 years ago - being totally frustrated and discouraged by a beach full of these things and the knowledge that it is impossible to save them all.  This was because my focus was me - and not in a good way.  I felt like I should be able to do the daunting task ahead of me (whether saving starfish or rescuing my kids or my husband or my friends from the evils of [fill in the blank]) just because I could see the danger and knew enough to warn them.

But after going through a healing process on the inside - which, by the way, was very slow, very hard and very draining, but worth it - I'm finding that I realize that I can't protect my loved ones from all the ills in life - that this is not my job and belongs on broader shoulders than mine .... God's.  But I can go down to the beach in conversation with God, in gratitude, and trust that whichever starfish/person He leads me to, that's the one I am to crouch down beside.  And that when I approach this individual (or he/she approaches me) I can trust that God is in charge of the encounter, He's the one who is working, and I can relax and enjoy the process of being part of what He has in store for that person.   

Making Face Time

One night, not long ago, I looked up from my computer and noticed that there were two other people in my family in the same room, each at his or her computer. At one point we were all on facebook.  At the same time.  Yet we spoke not a word to each other. 

Hm.

I seem to remember one morning being asked by my husband to find another spot for my computer because it stole time away from him that he wanted to spend with me. He looked forward to the times we would talk over breakfast, and when I was sitting there checking my emails, all he was able to get from me was a non-committal, "Hm?"


So I moved my preferred screened communication device to the living room. And now this.


Someone reminded me of this today by mentioning how the social media are rewriting our norms surrounding what is "sociable" and what isn't.  And I started to wonder whatever happened to "face time."  (No, not the software.)

One-on-one conversation.  Talking about important things.  Spending time just enjoying each others' company.  

I was wracking my brain last night trying to think of how to spend our 30th wedding anniversary, which is coming up in a couple of weeks or so.  I weighed the merits of this place versus that place, of this activity versus that.  And then it hit me.  We don't have to have an "activity" or a "retreat" to spend quality time together.  We just need to spend time with each other.  So, we decided to do just that - I will take a couple of vacation days surrounding our anniversary, and we can keep our daily commitments for driving our oldest to and from college, and in the meantime just spend time together without burying ourselves in electronic devices or wearing ourselves out with a jam-packed itinerary.  Reconnect.  Enjoy the other person's company.  Do things WE like to do.

It's a start.  :D

Deficit giving

I can always tell when I'm running on empty spiritually.  I start giving and doing things for people that normally I would love...and I feel spent, resentful, and touchy.

I think that the culture I come from encourages deficit spending giving.  The saying, "Give til it hurts" always leaves me saying, "Why?" Even - and sadly, especially - in the church.

I've seen people who come into a church, make a decision to follow Jesus - and the first thing they hear is, "You gotta start doing stuff."  The idea is to get the newcomer involved and serving others as quickly as possible before he or she is even grounded in the basics of the faith.  

The rules and regulations of religion : do this, don't do that, do, do, do... burn the new believer out before he or she even grows any spiritual roots.  Told to pray, for example, the new believer prays.  Before long he or she is faced with an answer from God that is unexpected - "No."  (It happens.)  Instead of being counseled to accept the answer, the disappointed person is told to pray harder because he or she was not praying hard enough.  Or perhaps not enough people were recruited to add strength to those prayers.  Because, goodness knows, if you can't get the answer you want, say it over and over and over again, with more and more intensity - or get others to join you so you can twist God's arm and manipulate Him into getting what you want. (Say what??)

(Why am I reminded of the prophets of Baal on Mount Carmel, shouting and working themselves up into a frenzy, slicing themselves in their "ardor"?)

It all funnels the person into the fallacious belief that humans have to convince God to do what He so desires to do.  So we try and try and try - knock ourselves out - to do what we think is expected of us, to do what we think we "should" be doing (shudder.) And the reason why it doesn't work for us is that we somehow are not doing it right, not doing it enough, or not doing it with enough voices to back us up.

The saddest part is that we truly believe this - some of us never stop believing it - and we burn our candles at both ends and end up incredibly unhappy for a very long time.

Over two years ago, I ran across a different way of approaching life and faith.  Admit you're powerless over yourself and others, believe God can bring balance and sanity to your inner world. Turn your will and your life over to God's care, empty yourself of the hurts of the past and honestly take responsibility for your own part in them. Be willing to have God to remove those character defects and ask (not tell) Him to remove them.  Get to know yourself. Clear away any wreckage you've left in your path.  Keep on top of your self-destructive attitudes, and develop and deepen an intimate relationship with God.  ONLY THEN are you in a position to give to others - from a place of fulness, grace and humility. 

Yes, it is a tall order - and yes, it takes time and a lot of hard work.  But there's one thing I know for sure and can tell you from experience, because I tried all that other stuff and it left me feeling dry, resentful, and jaded.  Since I started on this journey in 2009, I've been able to help quite a few people after going through the hard stuff.  And I have discovered that in this lifestyle of rigorous honesty, openness and willingness, there is one thing that is true more days than not.


I'm happy.