Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Growing up is no longer optional

The nature of my job will soon be changing.

Oh, it's been changing all along - and I understand how that is. Change is inevitable. Yet there is a part of me that has to be dragged, kicking and screaming, into change.  How much kicking and screaming there is depends greatly on how close the change gets to the foundations, the core values of my life - in this case my work life. 

This particular change is pretty fundamental, and it's been difficult for me to accept that it's on the way. In fact, I've lost sleep over the fear of the repercussions that I could experience. Thankfully, by applying the Serenity Prayer to this situation and adjusting a couple of things in my life, I've started to accept it.

And accept it I must; there is nothing I can do to change what someone else has decided, someone with a lot more clout than I have. 

I don't need to share just how my position will change in specifics. Suffice to say, though, that it involves taking a much more "hands-on" approach to my work. This scares the beejeebers out of me, since ultimately it will involve taking more direct responsibility for the effects that my work will have on the end user. Up until now, there's always been this layer of protection, almost like a cloak of invisibility, surrounding what I do. Part of the reason I wanted the job in the first place was because of this warm, comforting cloak. 

And now ... I must deal with the fact that it will be removed. 

These reservations having been stated, I must also say that if - today - I was still as stunted and dysfunctional as I was four years ago, I might have had to be forced into psychiatric care over this issue. For this, I can be grateful. 

I can also be thankful that my employer has done everything possible to ease the transition and provide the support I (and several others) will need. I cannot fault my superiors for the steps they have taken to lessen the impact on our jobs, given the decisions made at higher levels than they themselves hold.

What it comes down to is my own reaction. Am I going to stay stuck in my own fears, or am I going to face them and walk through them, asking for help when I need it? I guess what I am really encouraging myself to do is to continue to grow up. To trust that if the higher-ups have made the wrong decision, they will realize this and take steps to correct it. Who knows? they just might be right ... is it really my place to judge?

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at

Before 2009, I was under the illusion that while growing older was inevitable, growing up was optional. Even well after I started my journey of inner healing, I liked to think that I started to mature on the inside because I chose to - but the fact is that it was never optional if I was ever to find any kind of happiness. That I hid from it so long didn't change that fact. 

Growing up - maturing, taking more responsibility for my own actions - was essential for my own good, my own sanity. It still is. 

This is just the next natural phase. I have the feeling that a year from now, I will look back on this experience and view it as a positive step in my own growth as a person. Worrying about how it will all play out is a waste of my energies. 

So, just for today, and for as many todays as I need to, I choose to accept what I cannot change, and just continue to make a difference in my little cubicle.

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