Living Dangerously

I was reading a blog post recommended by a friend, which talked about the Christian response to tragedy and to stories where it seems that justice has prevailed... and whether it's really Christian or not.

If you want to read it, click here.  

That got me to thinking about one of my pet peeves about just about every sermon I have ever heard.  It's all about what we SHOULD be doing, never about how to get there.  The final result - that of reacting in love and forgiveness when atrocities happen - is not a product of what WE are doing or what we should be doing.  It is a result of God's passionate love for us.  When we start to understand just how deep, how wide, how high His love is for us, we start to live in gratitude for that, to want to spend time with Him.  The more time we spend with Him the more we will value those things which He embodies - truth, mercy, love, integrity.

For a Christian who is tired of playing church, experiencing God is primary to everything else - not just facts about God (and especially not facts about Him so that we can club people over the head who don't believe the same facts we do). 

Being aware of His presence, soaking and joying in it, is transformational, the source of all kinds of behaviors of which we are incapable on our own.  The sense of His presence, the belief that He loves us, ... that alone provides the strength to accomplish all those altruistic actions we read about - people forgiving those who have committed atrocities against them.

Such actions are not the goal.  They are the outflow.  Such a life (lived, as I've mentioned before, from the inside out) is dangerous to just about everyone I've ever met who was all about following the rules to earn some sort of eternal reward.  

A life lived totally from the experience of God's presence has no need for rules because it flows directly from His character.  Life lived on that kind of an edge cannot be described by anyone as religious (a.k.a dead).  It's the kind of abundant life that Jesus led - radically relational.

It's also the only life I've found that has any joy in it.

Turning a corner

This last little while has got to be the weirdest 3 weeks of my life.

It started the afternoon of April 19.  I was finishing up my shift at work when my manager (my boss' boss) said she wanted to talk to me.  Oh no, I thought. What did I do now?  (I guess old thought patterns are really hard to expunge from the psyche).  

Long story short, she was facing a shortage of team leaders for a short period of time and wondered if I would like to fill in for one of them.  After my jaw stopped dropping open of its own free will, I said I would love to do that! And so she put the wheels in motion for me to start Thursday the 21st (essentially a day and a half later) - the day before Good Friday - until Friday the 29th, a total of 5 working days.  During that week I learned a LOT, and thoroughly enjoyed myself.  Not the "being in charge" part so much as the variety of things, the never knowing what was waiting for me when I got into the office, and the sense of accomplishment I would feel when I had resolved a problem for someone. As a brief "aside" - I had expected to receive immediate respect for having been named as an A-slash (acting for someone else) but it didn't happen.  When it happened was when I rolled up my sleeves and started doing what was expected of me ... while still being myself.  It surprised me to find out that I didn't have to NOT be me to do the job.  Go figure... 

So the Monday afternoon after all this was done, (that would be this past Monday) my supervisor came to see me. "How did you like team leading last week? did you enjoy it?" I did, and told him so - exclaimed that it was so different from what I normally did - but that it was a good kind of different.  So he asked me if I wanted to fill in for him when he was away the next 3 days.  I said, "Sure!" and he just up and let people on the team know.  So the last 3 days I have been fielding different questions from lots of different sources and feeling so incredibly validated by all of it.  It's a weird feeling, one I didn't expect - yes, my name was more up front - but I played more of a 'support' role.

It's like turning a corner when you're flying.

The G-forces are more powerful, and in order to keep from losing altitude you have to speed up - which puts more pressure on the plane.  You need to bank the plane (turn it sideways a bit) when turning - and it means you're tilted with gravity pulling you in one direction.  But the turn is pulling you in the opposite direction (same as when you go around a turn in a car - turning left will make your body be pushed toward the right).  All these forces are at play in order to keep the plane in the air and pointed in the right direction.  But you get where you're going faster - and you get to see everything from a "bird's eye view."  There are no blind hills or blind curves in the air as there are on the ground.  Yet, the potential for more severe personal injury is (at least at first it seems so) greater.  

Still, there is no denying that it is exhilarating - even more so if the passengers are there of their own free will (grin).  

I was told that this process that I am on would open new doors for me; at the time I didn't believe it.  But I am coming to believe that if it wasn't for this journey, these opportunities would never have been presented to me.  It's a humbling thing.

And tomorrow night, I start another new adventure.  In a local church basement, I'll be hosting a meeting of a group of people who will come to share their experience, strength and hope to help each other recover from the obsessive need to control and take care of other people - to their own detriment.  I was such a one... and still have to fight that urge to fix people by imposing my will on them. I showed my hubby a poster with all the patterns and symptoms of codependency (see my page, "What is Codependency?") and he counted all the symptoms and said, "Twenty-four."  Then he read through them to see how many of them he had (I won't say how he did...) 

And then I asked him, "Compare that list to me 'before' I started my journey of healing and 'after.'  What are my numbers?"


"Oh, well - 'before' - you had all 24 things.  And 'after'..." here he paused and counted in his head while looking at the list ... "you have 5."  

I must admit that I really didn't think I had improved THAT much - maybe around 8 - so I was impressed that he thought I only had 5 patterns of codependency left.  

I give the credit to God who has empowered me to get on and stay on this journey.  And He's by no means done with me.  All I AM saying is that God is in the miracle-working business...and this is living proof that I'm turning a corner - and that if it can happen with me, it can happen with anybody.

You're the only you you have - Be you!

It's so easy to slip into a role and hide my true self from people.  For years I thought that nobody would like the real me so I hid myself, showing people what I thought they wanted.  For decades I pretended, berated myself when I had any kind of emotion - apologized for it.  All my life I was under the impression that I wasn't allowed to have an opinion, or needs, or dreams.


Until relatively recently of course.  

In all that hiding from myself, from my feelings, from people who might hurt me if I let them know what I thought or wanted - I lost myself.  I didn't know who I was anymore...if I ever knew.

God used an incredible set of circumstances (certainly not one I would have chosen) to rip off the facade and allow the real me to emerge. I had to get desperate enough to go to any length to find the one thing I had longed for but which had eluded me all my life:  a sense of peace and happiness.

Allowing God to unwrap that person was not easy.  There were some real issues to face - and I know that I was empowered to do that because I had tried to change on my own and failed miserably.

Now I feel as though another chapter has been started in my life and that there are exciting things ahead. Even the last 3 to 4 weeks have been so incredible in opening new doors previously tight shut to me in so many areas.  Work, family, ministry, and even my writing have taken on new dimension for me and I have a great sense of anticipation as the days unfold.  The healing has only begun; the possibilities are beyond what I can imagine.

I have no clue what path God has planned out for me. But I suspect that it will be an adventure.

Community

It's remarkable when we see natural enemies spending time together in harmony and unity ... isn't it.

I remember the time we brought Cody the cat home.  He was 4 years old when we got him. We had a dog, and unknown to us, he absolutely loathed dogs. All it took was one "wuff" from our Shari, then he spent the next few hours under someone's bed.

Until he realized that the dog could not get near him because we had installed a baby gate between the kitchen/dining room and the hallway which led to the rest of the house.  Shari was too short to get over the gate - but he could easily get over it if he wanted.  From that moment on, it was a circus.  He would park his kitty butt down on the floor on the other side of the gate, and we could almost see him chuckle as he closed his eyes in sheer feline bliss while the dog whimpered and whined just inches away - to no avail.

That was the beginning of a real relationship between the two of them.  They learned to get along, and we could eventually take the gate down without fear that someone would get hurt or "herded" into a corner - or scratched.  The dog even learned to hold still while Cody washed her fur.  To be sure, they weren't the best of bosom buddies.  But they did learn to appreciate each other.  And when Cody passed away last fall, Shari moped around the house.

People have been known to rise above their differences and embrace each other - if not as friends then certainly as "good enemies."  There's a group of people I like to get together with on a regular basis.  The members of this group are as varied and diverse as the cat and the dog - yet there is a cohesion, a sense of unity and community that is extremely compelling.

What holds this group together is not the differences in it but what is the same about each of the members.  And that sameness of purpose, that commonality of emotion and experience, binds us together.  

I've been in other groups where the unity is gone and people are at each other's throats over differences of opinion or style, differences in philosophy, hidden agendas, and struggles for recognition or power.

The difference - as I've come to understand it - is gratitude - a lifestyle of gratitude for the love and the sense of community that each person contributes to the whole.  Celebrating rather than trying to fix each other's 'differences.' Respecting each other's needs.  Building each other up to be comfortable in our own skin.

That's so worth it!

I. D. Ten T. Errors

I think I read this somewhere.  When a person who doesn't know much about computers makes a simple (beginner's) mistake on a computer, the computer-literate call it an "I. D. Ten T." Error.  When written in alphanumeric language, that is an ID10T Error.  

Perhaps ID10T errors could be identified in the real (non-computer, relational) world:
- telling someone else's secret after promising to maintain confidentiality
- laughing at or diminishing someone else's pain to make them look bad or stupid
- climbing over someone else's back (or front) on the way up the corporate ladder
- using sarcasm and/or ridicule as a motivational tool
- micromanaging / being obsessed with controlling every last little thing
- blaming everyone else for one's mistakes and not taking responsibility for one's actions
- defending the rights of one minority group only to turn around and support the majority against a different minority  (example from the schoolyard: defending the kid with Down Syndrome only to turn around and ostracize the shy kid)
- overreacting / judging out of previous bad experiences rather than listening to another's perspective
- being too eager to "help" someone with their "problem" thus creating either resentment or dependence in them...


... and the list goes on.


I've made some of these mistakes, quite probably all of them at some point or other in my life.  Everyone's probably made at least some of them. The question is, what to do about them? or can anything be done about them which won't make matters worse?


All I can do is be aware that they happen and just let go of my need to take things too personally.  To let myself off the hook when I screw up. To let others off the hook when they screw up without realizing it.  And all the while, to not apologize for having feelings, living my life, having needs, or taking up space in the world.  These are core values that have been overdue in their development.

And maybe I'll be more careful to catch myself and others NOT making ID10T errors - and be consciously grateful.

Honouring Weakness

I've been doing a fair bit of thinking about our culture's tendency to pander to the needs of the minority while making the majority bend to the minority's will.

Even that choice of words is inflammatory, isn't it?

Those who complain about the minority groups having the right to do this or that - what if YOU were the minority?  What if suddenly Christianity was considered deviant? wouldn't you want those same rights extended to you? it's a 2-way street, folks; we have to live in THIS world.


Okay, here's a concrete example of what I mean.

Several years ago, we used to decorate our church with evergreen wreaths at Christmas and with Easter lilies at Easter.  It's traditional, right?  Well, there was a lady who came to our church who became very ill - needing to go to bed for days at a time - whenever she was in a room which had these items in it.  She dearly wanted to come to church but felt that she had to stay away during the most special times of the year if she wanted to stay healthy.

When it became known that this was the case, the church leadership graciously opted to purchase large ARTIFICIAL wreaths; we got the greenery and she was able to come in at Christmas time and enjoy the services.  And instead of lilies at Easter, the leadership decorated the church with other types of flowers and green things to which she was not sensitive.

Was this pandering to a minority?  Technically - yes.  Did anyone in the church feel resentful because there were no lilies or evergreens?  Of course not!

Did anyone judge her for her weakness?  Again - no - because we were more concerned about the health of our sister than whether things were the way they always had been. We were glad to see her, enjoyed her company, wanted her to be happy.   

This idea of caring for people who have a difficulty has been around since the early church (more about that later.) A perfect modern example is fragrance.  Most people have no problem with modern fragrances - those which, since the early 1980s, have been made with petrochemicals and aldehydes rather than from flowers or animal musk.  Some people, on the other hand, have developed a sensitivity to these chemicals.  Like me.  Their bodies have finally said, "Enough!"

The fragrances do smell nice.  The petroleum-based chemicals can dissolve grease, lift stains and soften clothes.  They can cover over unpleasant odors in the home and on the body.  However, when someone is made ill when these chemicals are around, is it really fair to that person to have it hanging in the air?  Those who wear fragrance could get along without it, and those who can't go near it without becoming very sick are prevented from enjoying a normal life when there is fragrance present.  It's not like there aren't fragrance-free alternatives. (Google the Nova Scotia Environmental Health Clinic and look for a list of fragrance-free products sold right here in Canada.)

People can be kind if they choose to be.  Many don't.  

I've heard people say that if there's fragrance around, people who are sensitive shouldn't go near where it is.  It sounds valid - that the person who is bothered by something owns the problem.  It would make sense as long as the fragrance and the person wearing it stayed in one spot!! Then a sensitive person could avoid that spot or that person.  But people tend to be mobile - and if they're wearing fragrance (whether in the form of perfume, hair or skin care products, or in their clothes from laundry products) they leave a cloud of it behind wherever they go, and the chemicals that are harmful to sensitive people are designed to linger long after the person has passed by. 

I've tried medications.  Antihistamines don't work for me.  My symptoms are neurological: headaches, disorientation, "brain fog" among others. These can last minutes or hours.  I've stayed away from more functions: social gatherings, church, other meetings, just because I knew that I would not be able to handle the fragrances that no doubt would be present. I've left meetings in progress - at work and other places - as a result of not being able to breathe the air thick with fragrance.  As a result, I am isolated most of the time.  I get the reputation of being "anti-social."  Or "stuck-up."  Am I?  Uh, NO.

If the chemicals were suddenly to be made visible and people could see how pervasive the problem is, the notion of the sufferer "just staying out of harm's way" would be exposed as rather ludicrous.  

I'm not saying that we have the right to be obnoxious about our illness; I must admit that in the past, I have been quite aggressive with people regarding this issue.  I've learned the hard way that there are gracious ways to ask for what one needs.  And in some cases, yes, it's best to avoid certain areas and people.  Sometimes, though, that's just not feasible.  People have to work together, worship together, shop together.  In the building where I work, the inside air is circulated all day long.  If there's someone laying tar outside the doors and those fumes get in the building, most everyone suffers.  Folks who have chemical sensitivities suffer in that way - some for hours or days at a time - when someone across the room walks by after having used scented mousse or hairspray even several hours previous.  The effects are cumulative too - so small exposures over a long period of time make the sensitivities more ... well, sensitive.  

In our culture, there is much talk about "rights" ... the rights of the majority, mostly.  That's not what the Bible teaches. The Bible teaches that along with rights go responsibilities.  It teaches us to honour those who have difficulties.

The apostle Paul dealt with some folks in the Roman church who were judging each other and being offended by things others were doing in the church.  I think that his words to the majority could apply to any situation where a larger group of people are in a position where a smaller group finds something offensive.  Even if there's nothing wrong with it.

Paul said, "It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything else if it might cause another believer to stumble.  You may believe there’s nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keep it between yourself and God. " (Rom 14:21) 

To the Corinthians he wrote (regarding the same contentious issue of his day), "So if what I eat causes another believer to sin, I will never eat meat again as long as I live—for I don’t want to cause another believer to stumble." (1 Cor 8:13) 

In another spot (1 Corinthians 12:22-26) he said, referring to the members of the church as parts of a body, "In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary.  And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity.  This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other.  If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad." 

In other words, Paul advocated honouring (rather than having contempt for) the weaker members of the group, and using their weakness (or "infirmity" as the King James puts it) as an opportunity to show love.  What a concept!!

I'm not naïve enough to expect everyone in the world to bend over backward to suit me or to accommodate my sensitivities in every situation.  I'm also smart enough to know that I will not knowingly expose myself to the things which will hurt me.  All I'm saying is that my world is a lot smaller than that of many other people ... and it doesn't need to be. 

Making Adjustments

For the past few weeks I've been going to see my chiropractor.  I went to him for the first time about 10 years ago after I did something at work and could hardly move my neck without pain.  He took X-rays and discovered degenerative disc disease in my neck and lower back.  He started making adjustments.

Within 2 weeks or so of treatment the pain was gone and I was able to function.  Every so often (once every 6 months to 3 years) I need to go back.

Over the years, there are some things I've learned about pain, the nature and purpose of pain, and the elimination of it.  I think that they could be applied to any kind of pain, including the emotional kind.

I have said this before, but pain is a gift, even though it doesn't feel like it!!  It is a signal that something is wrong and needs to be fixed.  The body will continue to complain about whatever is wrong until the source of the problem is addressed.

My chiropractor tells me that over half of the pain of a misalignment of the spine comes from the muscles around it overcompensating to hold the back in place and maintain some level of functioning.  The thing is, they are holding it in an unnatural position and that hurts! So the first thing is to convince the muscles in the back to relax and let go of their grip.  

After that starts to happen, the chiropractor makes an adjustment: it can't be too large or sudden, or the body just wouldn't be able to stand the pain.  So it happens by degrees.  That gives the back time to get used to the "new reality."  And after every adjustment, because the muscles have to figure out a new way to hold things in place, the affected area may seem to be worse for a while.  But if I trust the process, this worsening is temporary and the muscles adjust.  Eventually the back settles down to a lower level of pain than before the adjustment.  Usually the pain goes away completely.  In time.

The course of treatment takes the form of a series of adjustments to the muscles and eventually of the spine itself.  Every time I have a treatment, I go into the treatment room where that glorious "bed" is - and I "assume the position" - trusting that the doctor will not harm me but help me - even if it hurts more for a while. After all, he's focusing on the source of the pain ... a misalignment at the core of my body.  

It works the same way with my spiritual or emotional pain.  Adjustments in my attitudes and beliefs, in my relationships with people and especially with myself, are slow to make and they are painful.  There usually is a sense of relief once well into the process, but at the beginning it can feel like things are getting worse, not better. It's easy to get discouraged, except that the pain is a constant reminder that things are not yet as they will be.

There comes a point in every course of treatment that signals the beginning of the end of the pain.  For me it can take as much as 2 and a half weeks.  Once it happens, though, the difference from one treatment to the next is noticeable.  It takes a great deal of commitment to set aside time to look after myself, to spend time doing nothing but relaxing in the doctor's presence.  The pain and / or discomfort keeps me focused on why I am there, and I have learned that investing that time will allow me to function better and be able to help others - my family, friends, and co-workers.  

And spiritual and/or emotional pain is like that too.  It helps me concentrate better on the goal : improvement, getting better.  When I invest the time to spend with the Great Physician, relaxing in His presence, letting Him work on me at the core level, it does get better - so that I'm better able to live my life unencumbered by the nagging pain of things not addressed.

I'm finding too, that I can help things along even by resting when I need to rest, by stopping what I'm doing and going to do something completely different, just to change position or perspective.  What a relief in the physical sense just to go from seated to standing to walking! or from standing to seated!  Just so in the emotional / psychological sense  -  sometimes I just need a breath of fresh air, an infusion of new life.  Music and nature do that for me.

I'm learning to look after myself and to allow myself time to get things done, to not stress out if it's about something that's non-essential or it's not done as fast as I would like. As I loosen up both physically and mentally, I'm better able to do even more of what's good for me.

His Story

It's the most powerful story in the world.  

It's changed more people's lives, done more to shape the thinking of countless generations than any one story could.

This past weekend, our church did its best to tell His Story in all its simplicity - no apologies, no excuses.  The reaction from all who have given feedback has been phenomenal. Account after account crop up of people's lives being profoundly affected just from this one simple - incredible - compelling story.

It's amazing.  

You see, we told His Story.  And then we told how His Story changed our own stories.  And it has - in many different ways.  

It's so easy to become blasé in the church.  Yeah, Jesus died for our sins and rose from the dead on the 3rd day.  Ho hum.

But put yourself in the story, fellow believer.  When that happens - when the reality of the sacrifice at the cross and the realization of the resurrection bursts upon your consciousness - the excitement of those moments can devastate your decorum and you might not be able to keep yourself from celebrating!!

Comments I've heard from this production from those who attended range from awe at the singing to "NOW I understand what it's all about!!" from a boy not yet a teen.  

Those who participated in the play were encouraged to identify with their character.  This revolutionized the cast's perceptions, no matter what part they played - from Jesus to Judas and everyone in between.  I watched someone to whom tears did not come easily, break down and weep in grief on stage during the burial scene, and be so affected that she was in tears even after the scene was over.  It is so indicative of how potent and arresting His Story is even after nearly 20 centuries, because He let His Story unfold - painful as it was physically and spiritually for Him - so that we could become part of it.

Such magnanimous, unconditional love still astounds me.

Celebration and Stress

It seems like it should be a contradiction in terms.  Yet holidays and celebrations (whether holy days or birthdays or weddings or anniversaries or graduations) are rife with stress because - well, because they involve people in close proximity to each other.

Who hasn't been disappointed or had a holiday of some sort ruined by an argument or another's attitude of ungratefulness or resentment? I think we all can think of at least one.  Some people can't think of a time when there HASN'T been strife wrecking what is "supposed" to be quality time with family and/or friends.

Why do we put ourselves through this anyway?  is it to hear the "oohs" and "ahhs" of those at the family dinner table when the main course is served?  

Unfortunately, that's the only reason why some do it, because special gatherings are always preceded by shouting, tears and/or slamming doors.  There's a proverb that says, "Better a dry crust eaten in peace than a house filled with feasting - and conflict." (Prov. 17: 1 - NLT) 

That kind of atmosphere, in spite of the luscious food to which everyone looks forward, is nothing but a sham.  

For many years now, we've had four family feasts a year: Easter, Canadian Thanksgiving, American Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  But we don't usually have them on the day most others do.  We've simplified over the years to push Easter turkey (or ham) dinner to Easter Monday, same with Canadian Thanksgiving - because there is so much else happening on the Sunday.  This is so that the stress of preparing the feast is the only stress of the day, and we don't have to squeeze a whole bunch of other things into our schedule.  It's so much more relaxing that way.  

It doesn't mean there aren't arguments - but lately they have been fewer.  A large part of that has been that both hubby and I have been on journeys of healing in our own lives, and we are more comfortable talking about our feelings and why it is we feel that way.  The kids are starting to catch on to that as well.

Like last night.  I had planned to make lemon meringue pie for Easter dinner dessert, and was dreading making the pies because of two things: the mess it creates and the lack of room in the fridge to keep the pies fresh and cool until the time came to eat them.  Daughter #2 came in to the living room when I was watching a show (it was 10 minutes from the end), and wanted to make the pies together.  I didn't feel like it. She pushed; I resisted. 

Yes - words were exchanged and someone ran down the hall and cried for a while. So ... it's not perfect. But afterward, instead of the silent treatment for 2 days, we talked.  I said what I needed in order to feel comfortable with doing some cooking with her.  She and her boyfriend cleaned the fridge, tidied the counter, and then she and I made the pies together.  It wasn't the best possible way to handle the request - but it was a start.  And the conflict was all resolved in the space of 30 minutes.  

We even had a good time - and appreciated each other for the help given and received.  And this morning, she sneaked a piece of the pie (not really - I saw her and she knew I saw her) ... and she loved it!

And yes, I am looking forward to our holiday meal!

A Merry Heart

"... does good like a medicine."

With that in mind, here's a snippet sent to me by a friend recently ... I just had to share it.  After all, I'm older now than I was when I started this blog entry (grin) and I'm finding that as I get older I take myself less and less seriously...

Texting Shorthand for Older Folks

We've all seen the texting shortcuts used by kids -- LOL (Laughing Out Loud), CUL8R (See You Later), etc. It's time older folks got in on the action -- yet our daily concerns are different from youngsters'.


With that, expect to start seeing these shortcuts from your older friends:

ATD - At The Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend Fell

BTW - Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

IMHO - Is My Hearing Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFLACGU - Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up

and...

TTYL - Talk To You Louder

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